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A Message from Michele
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Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836637
02/10/19 07:18 AM
02/10/19 07:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,131
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DejaVu6 Online
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DejaVu6  Online
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I hope it goes well Nicole. You deserve to have some fun after everything your H has put you through.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836665
02/10/19 05:01 PM
02/10/19 05:01 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 1,874
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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ovrrnbw  Offline
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Missouruh
How exciting and mysterious. A ski resort in France!! Ha that sounds like a cool place. I hope it goes well, but don't put all your eggs in one basket!


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836819
02/11/19 07:22 PM
02/11/19 07:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 932
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NicoleR Offline OP
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NicoleR  Offline OP
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Thanks DejaVu. For me traveling is fun more than anything.

Ovrrnbw, I don't really wish to have a 'basket' right now but I know what you mean. I'm not looking for a relationship. I need to go through the divorce process and improve myself. But I know if I want a new partner someday I have to be more open minded and learn how to communicate with men in a dating context. It's really a mystery to me. I chatted with this European guy about our partners leaving for several months last year just like we talk here on this forum. I didn't really think anything of it. But it's confusing because after we got back in touch and traded photos the texts got more personal. Then I didn't hear from him again for a while. Then I did. On Saturday he said twice how he has no problem just being friends and we should meet "just like friends." But then he said I'm beautiful and he wants to do a video call and he kept sending me pictures of himself. So what does that mean? I can't imagine going through this with multiple guys over the years. With my husband and the eight year relationship I had before that it was just easy. They were interested. I was interested. There were no games or lapses in communication or uncertainties. I realize it gets more complicated when people have been hurt and have kids and are trying to re-build their lives like many of us. I have mixed feelings about navigating this new universe. This European guy is nice though so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

In other news, my husband wants to come to our daughter's birthday party. Last year he came and acted miserable the whole time. I feel like she would like him to be there but I don't feel like seeing or dealing with him. I have to give it some thought.

Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836828
02/11/19 08:57 PM
02/11/19 08:57 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 1,874
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Nicole,

the online dating thing I have seen a lot of with my friends. People seem to find it easy to be horrible to each other on there. If I was going to do it, I'd be simple and straightforward. For you, why not just say good woman looking for an honest, straightforward man with high moral standards. You don't have to play the sexting games and endless text messages. You can decide how to do the dating thing. Thinning the herd isn't a bad thing here IMO.

Your H wanting to come is strange. It's good that he wants to be a part of her life, even if it's just for a day. I guess let him come but no expectations, right?


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836829
02/11/19 09:03 PM
02/11/19 09:03 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 536
Orange County, CA
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Bo562 Offline
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Nicole,

Re: OLD

Of all places, where I found W, which I know is ironic given my sitch.

What helped me was a specific website to help filter out women who werenít likely to be my type anyway. (I used Catholic Match, which is where I met heróalso ironic, Iím sure.) I went to a site like that where it was more likely Iíd find good, honest, straight-forward women with good moral standards. Itís up to you, though, for whatever you do next.


M: 36
W: 30
T: 9
M: 7

S6 (OS)
S7mo (YS)

ILYBINILWY BD: Feb. Ď18

W Wants S / D BD: 1/4/19

H / W still in-house

D papers from W: 3/14/19
Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836862
02/12/19 06:30 AM
02/12/19 06:30 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,131
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DejaVu6 Online
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Nicole. I met my H OLD. Funny... he said the same thing to me... that we would meet as friends. Yeah...that lasted about five minutes after we met face to face. I think it is something that people say to take the pressure off a bit. Also...he is in the same boat as you with his partner leaving (he says she did anyway...be prepared that he could be lying about that - people lie a lot - minimize and exaggerate). Anyway, assuming he is in the same boat as you, he may be interested in you but not sure that he is ready to be involved with anyone so he is likely giving himself an out just in case. Anyway... be cautious... meet in a public place, let someone know where you are, etc... you can never be too careful.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836889
02/12/19 01:53 PM
02/12/19 01:53 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 947
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Davide Offline
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Hi Nicole!

I'm glad to hear you are at least considering the possibility of putting yourself out there more. Keep pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone and you will find yourself growing in unexpected ways!

In terms of OLD the man that you are describing sounds very interested in you. I have never sent a picture of myself or done a video chat with anyone, and I have been on dozens of dates in the last three months. The lack of contact for a while can be a number of things as others have said. It could be that he was/is seeing other people and wanted to see where that was going. It could also be that life gets in the way especially for those of us who are older and have more established careers or family obligations. Personally, getting off the computer and meeting IRL as soon as possible is the key to not wasting time. Five minutes with a person can tell you more than weeks of messaging, and can save you a lot of time and energy.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: Bo562] #2836891
02/12/19 01:56 PM
02/12/19 01:56 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,052
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by NicoleR
On Saturday he said twice how he has no problem just being friends and we should meet "just like friends." But then he said I'm beautiful and he wants to do a video call and he kept sending me pictures of himself. So what does that mean?


It means it's time to block him, LOL! Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants, and you sure don't need another inconsistent wishy-washy man in your life!

Quote
In other news, my husband wants to come to our daughter's birthday party. Last year he came and acted miserable the whole time. I feel like she would like him to be there but I don't feel like seeing or dealing with him. I have to give it some thought.


Personally my thoughts are to do it for her. My ex and I continued to have joint bday celebrations for the kids and still do. But if you think it's too much to handle right now, then tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you would rather he have his own celebration with her separately.


Originally Posted by Bo562

(I used Catholic Match, which is where I met heróalso ironic, Iím sure.) I went to a site like that where it was more likely Iíd find good, honest, straight-forward women with good moral standards.


Heh! It's amazing how fast a WAS (whether man or woman) will throw out their "moral standards" for a little fling no matter how staunchly religious they were before. They can find a thousand ways to justify their behavior to God and everyone else.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2836898
02/12/19 02:29 PM
02/12/19 02:29 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 656
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Jim1234 Offline
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NIcole, I think the fact that you brought up having him come to D's birthday party as a concern says it all. Tell him you'd rather he not come, and he should do something for her himself. And let him explain what that will be to D. And then let him explain why he didn't follow through.

As far as OLD, you've received lots of good advice. All I'll add is to caution you not to build up any expectations in your mind before meeting anyone. You'll be sorely disappointed more often than not if you do.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Re: Husband left for the second time - 8 [Re: NicoleR] #2837465
02/15/19 04:48 AM
02/15/19 04:48 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 932
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NicoleR Offline OP
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NicoleR  Offline OP
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Ovrrnbw, I completely agree. If I try any online dating in the future I'll do as you suggest. As for the party, I guess I'll let him come but he's so unreliable that he might not even come.

Bo, it's good to know sites like that exist! There's no way you could have known what would happen with your wife. You did your best to screen out those who weren't a good match and you and your wife found one another. Seems it was meant to be even if it's not turning out as planned.

DejaVu, that's funny about you and your husband. It turns out you were right about the suggestion to meet as friends. I asked him today what he meant, because he said it again, and he said so that I feel comfortable and don't feel that he expects anything from me.

Davide, turns out you were right! I decided to just ask him. He said there's a big difference when you meet in person compared to communicating online but he's hoping we'll be more than friends. The soonest we can meet is April because there's 4,000 miles between us, but that's fine. We'll see what happens.

AnotherStander, as mentioned above, I decided not to block him but I just asked him how feels and to clarify what he means. I think in the future I'll do that with everyone who I can't meet in person right away if i's not clear whether they're shy, playing games, trying to be cautious, are seeing other people, etc.. It's better to ask and see what they say. If their response is not convincing then it's clear there's no need to talk further. Have you tried that approach? If so, did it work?


Jim, I've been thinking about your suggestion. That's what I feel like doing, but he's also paying for the party and our daughter says she wants him there so I guess I'll try to make Christmas and birthdays an exception for as much as I can tolerate it for her sake. If things become more contentious before the party I'll ask him not to come though. Your advice to not build up expectations is good. I'm going to meet this guy in person but I'm busy in the meantime and I'll just wait and see how it goes. If we don't like each other there's no harm done. At minimum we supported one another through this difficult time just like all us here have been doing.

I hope to respond to all of your threads over the weekend!

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