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Informal separation agreement downloaded from internet I have not filed it with anyone.

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Paul,

what's been going on in your world? How have things been on your situation?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I think I have been holding pretty well. It helped me that I started going to a gym. I have joined martial arts club which I wanted to attend since childhood and started taking piano classes also helped spending more time with friends, the ones who know don't want to spend time with her which is understandable. I still feel pain and the fair of the unknown. I feel I have fear of finding love again and how much time it takes to find a good person. But I think I am getting there where I think that She just figment of my imagination. When I get home if I see her I am polite and I say good day or good night. I don't ask her about her whereabouts or anything that sort, don't ask about her day unless she asks me. I was considering enforcing another boundary about her returning home each night, because she stayed with 3rd party couple nights already. However I am not sure if that would change anything. I said she has 2 month left to stop affair or to move out. I wish I had better sleep. I usually wake up at 2 am in the morning and have trouble falling a sleep again.
My therapist mentioned that I should ask her more about how she will tell parents and friends about separation also make sure that she thinks how the bills will be paid. Her opinion was that she needs to take responsibility of that as well. I was considering sending an email to my wife with those questions. What do you think if it's good idea.
By the way I am reading divorce remedy, however I feel it does not apply to my wife as she is wayward.
Thank you
confirmed A 12/26/18
signed unofficial separation agreement 1/29/19

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I was considering enforcing another boundary about her returning home each night, because she stayed with 3rd party couple nights already. However I am not sure if that would change anything. I said she has 2 month left to stop affair or to move out.


The act of setting and enforcing boundaries can misunderstood. Your boundaries are about protecting your feelings, self respect, honor, etc. Knowing your core values will help to know where to draw the line.

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i was reading about boundaries and asked her not to use our house for affair resources.


What is your plan if she does not honor this ^^^^^^?

I'll give you a few suggestions about boundaries. 1) You are not making a request. 2) Enforcing a boundary is when you do some type of action that has some consequences (no violence) for the WW who dishonored your boundary. 3) If you restate your boundary, it loses effectiveness. 4) Don't announce to your WW that something is your boundary if you don't have the courage to follow through with enforcing it, b/c she will test you to see what you'll do.

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I stated that I might live couple more month like this and said she might need to move out.


Just so you'll know in the future, these type of statements are like giving her a free pass for two more months. You have compromised your respect. How can she respect you, when you don't respect yourself more than this? You have to stand firm when dealing with infidelity. Do not tolerate her cheating two months, two days or two hours. The longer she sees you staying with her while she has sex with OM, the less she will want to be your W. Women are designed in such a way that they have to feel respect/admiration for the H in order to feel desire/attraction.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Like Sandi says, you must regain your respect first. Get some lawyer advice, set boundaries (they are just for you, not for her, you can’t control her, she’s wayward). Get out of her path then, No MR talks, not cake eating, nothing. Detach and GAL the most you can.

You need time and patience man. You have a long road ahead. Keep reading, keep posting.

You need to be strong Paul.

Patience.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Hm, I talked to a lawyer already and I could get court order to move her out. I felt like if I kick her out because of A there will be no way for me to show that I have changed. I am enforcing no contact with her. I feel like sometimes she looses her fog. For some reason I believe I can show that I am happy with my life and I am moving fwd at the same time she can she what she is loosing.

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Hi Paul, it's good to hear from you again. I realize this is a very painful time for you, and I hope you will use the board as your support group. ((hugs))

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My therapist mentioned that I should ask her more about how she will tell parents and friends about separation also make sure that she thinks how the bills will be paid. Her opinion was that she needs to take responsibility of that as well. I was considering sending an email to my wife with those questions. What do you think if it's good idea.


Well, here are my thoughts about it, FWIW. Your W has fired you as her H. So, you are not responsible for how she tells her parents/friends. It's not up to you to see that she tells them. The same can be said about her bills, unless it's to inform her that you won't be supplying the funds. Why should you school her about the things she will need to know? I get what your therapist is suggesting, but I don't agree from the standpoint of a WW. The therapist must think these things will cause your W to stop and reconsider her decision. Here's the thing, the WW has to have reality to smack her in the face. Currently she believes in a fantasy. What do you think jars her from the fantasy fog? She can't be coddled, or she will likely remain in her wayward state. She has to experience some of the harsh consequences that come from her wayward decisions. Trying to point out to her the things your therapist suggested will not draw her out of the waywardness. It will only draw more resentment.

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I felt like if I kick her out because of A there will be no way for me to show that I have changed.


I suspect you want to make changes for her. Those type of changes don't phase a wayward W. Why? B/c she has lost respect for you, and she no longer cares about some improvements you make. Sorry to be so harsh, Paul, but WW's can be cold and more harsh than I'm being at the moment. Yes, we encourage newcomers to work on themselves.......but it is not with the intent to impress the wayward spouse and change their mind. I've been around a long time, and I have my first time to read about a WW ending her A and deciding to work on her MR b/c her H was doing more housework, finishing all those repairs/projects, hanging around the house more, etc. I have read of times a H would work himself crazy, trying to be the image of the H he thought his W wanted....... and the WW would indeed notice his changes. She would even comment on all the changes he had made.......only to add how it had not changed her feelings. Whenever I see a LBH worried that his WW won't see his changes, I'm pretty certain he is focused on making changes for her.

Her ability to feel love/desire for you is not possible, until she feels respect for you as a man. That is how women are wired.

I can give you some tips about the type of changes you can make that are more effective in your WW's final decisions and the direction she'll take. I just don't know that you are ready to trust it. You have a lot of fear and you have to lose the fear of losing her. Actually, you've already lost her in many ways. The way to draw her back is by becoming a man who knows his worth and has enough self respect to not put up with a cheating W. It doesn't matter how long it may take you to find another good person. You have to ask yourself........what kind of person do you have now?

Am I promoting divorce? No, I am here to tell good men about wayward wives and a little about the WW's mindset and how they operate. The sooner you can grasp that concept, the sooner you stand a chance in turning things around. You are correct that the DR book doesn't really refer to wayward spouses categorically. However, it is still a good overall guide. There is basically one difference I have when it comes to a wayward W, and that is the H can't play BFF with her, and he has to demonstrate a dose of tougher love than the book may imply. In other words, he can't nice his WW back into the MR......b/c she has lost respect for him. Therefore, all the tender, nice things the H may want to do to win back his WW from an affair, will be seen by her as him being soft/weak. When a W is wayward, it ALWAYS boils down to her losing respect for her H. Disrespect is the root of waywardness, and it kills the W's feelings of attraction for her H. That's why she will say, "I love you, but I am not in love with you". The "in love" is the sexual desire/attraction. Disrespect killed it. The good news is that those feelings can be restored, by having the respect restored.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you sandi2 for responding,
Your response was a kick in my nuts and a reality check that I needed. I had that a stupid hope that she may wake up from her dream. After she has not shown for 3 days in the row, I know I have to say to her good bye. You are 100% right I had a fear holding me from doing what I should have done long time ago. I would like to hear from you "I can give you some tips about the type of changes you can make that are more effective in your WW's final decisions and the direction she'll take. I just don't know that you are ready to trust it."

I am planning to ask her to pack her things tonight and move out. Should I add anything for farewell? Should I tell her I still worry about her?

Thank you for your advise.

confirmed A 12/26/18

sleeping in separate rooms 12/29/2018

signed unofficial separation agreement 1/29/19

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Don't tell her you still worry about her just out of nowhere. Only you can decide what kind of person you are. When you're showing her the door, you can say that you still care about her, but what will she think if you do? Will she think that she's still go you on the hook? Maybe not if you're firm about protecting yourself and what you won't tolerate in a spouse, because you're actions show that even though you have feelings for her, you won't tolerate the affair.

Her moving out will be a wake up call, we just don't know if it will wake her up in a month, 12 months, or 5 years down the road. You will be removing yourself is a good thing IMO.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi,
Just wanted to give you an update. When she came back that Sunday she was gone for like 3-4 days. I said if you plan to be gone for 3 days please tell me as I do't know if you are missing person and should call police or not. I asked her to move all her stuff out of our bedroom.

Then we talked about that she should move out as it's not healthy for me to live this way. I did not ask her about affair or anything. She said it's her house and she won't be kicked out. We both own the place. I asked her to find a place to rent but at the moment does not look like she is going to do that.
After this talk I noticed the she felt quite guilty, but did not stop her affair. I had snooped around to see what's going on. It appears that she does not see future with affair partner, however she is avoiding me as much as possible. She delays to get up so she would not see me in the morning or goes to the 3rd floor as soon as she can.

After this talk regarding her moving out and packing she is trying to avoid me as much as possible. Couple days ago I said maybe we should sell condo or I could buy out. She sent message to her girlfriend asking about this that I posting too much on Facebook. It looks like she is concerned what to tell her mother in regards what's going on. I had couple posts with my friends where we went to the beach and got some beer. I feel it's getting closer to divorce then to anything else.
I feel like I don't even care about her and if I even can think about her as person. I guess it's kind sad.

Sandy if you "I can give you some tips about the type of changes you can make that are more effective in your WW's final decisions and the direction she'll take. I just don't know that you are ready to trust it. You have a lot of fear and you have to lose the fear of losing her. Actually, you've already lost her in many ways. The way to draw her back is by becoming a man who knows his worth and has enough self respect to not put up with a cheating W. It doesn't matter how long it may take you to find another good person. You have to ask yourself........what kind of person do you have now? "

I am not even sure if there is anything I can do anymore. Probably I am just looking to have peace and quote.

I felt that it helped me with detachment when I repeated that my wife that I had known had died and this person is some stranger living in this property.

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