My wife and I have been married for 15 years and together for 16 years. We have two boys, 10 and 8. She also has a strong family history of mental illness and has delt with depression for years. She was diagnosed as bipolar just over a year ago. She appears to be taking her medications. We have had our issues over the years like most. We have had 3 big blow ups in 15 years. In the first 2 blow ups I mention divorce and suicide. I had no intentions doing either but stupidly used them for empathy. (Had separation issues as a kid as my mom left my dad who was a truck driver so we were raised by babysitters). So she is routinely unhappy about everything... from her job to the kids school to life in general. She would mention this and I relayed to her it’s life and everyone hates there job to everyone wants their kids in a better school, etc. She recently came to me and said she wants a permit separation and that she was getting her own apartment. She has said the most meanest things she has ever said to me in our 15 years. I have tried to talk to her before I read the Divorce Remedy book. She also read it and said that book is nothing more than manipulation and that it is wrong. Every time we talk everything is my fault. She takes no responsibility for anything in the relationship. I have apologized time and time again and I have started counseling by myself as she refuses to go to marriage or individual counseling. She said it’s because no one is going to blame her as she feels she has tried for 15 years. So I am the only one trying to save this. She gives me a little hope and takes it away just as quick. I recently found paperwork from a attorney and when I asked her if I would be getting divorce papers once she is in her apartment she said she isn’t promising anyone anything. I did not tell her I saw the paperwork. When she told the kids about her apartment she said it wasn’t a divorce, although 2 days prior to that she paid a 3k retainer. Her support system are her parents who have hated me for the entire time we have been together and a female friend who is divorced. Clearly I’m a wreck and doing all I can.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Steve... when we first met she had moved to the area to go to school for a year and then was to move back home. We got together and she did not return home. She had told me all the horrible ways her family treated her so of course I had issues with them from the get go. They also had issues with me. Once we had our boys they reappeared due to the kids. Her parents have just have always been cold to me and of course I was the same.
Thanks Cadet. I knew her uncle had schizophrenia and that was it. About 5 years into the marriage is when she started dealing with her depression. It has gradually worsened. She normally is ok but every other week or so she becomes really unhappy with a part of our life’s. Debt, where we live, the kids school, her job, etc. I got her to go to a psychiatrist in June 2018 and she was diagnosed bipolar. Her older brother has recently been diagnosed with mental illness and in the past 6 months he has been hospitalized 4 times. I don’t have any support unfortunately. I know I can’t fix her but I care for her so much and I am doing all I can to try and save our relationship. I’m really not trying to save the old marriage just want to start a new marriage.
So she is routinely unhappy about everything... from her job to the kids school to life in general. She would mention this and I relayed to her it’s life and everyone hates there job to everyone wants their kids in a better school, etc.
If this is typical of the responses you've been giving her over the years then you were doing a LOT of damage and probably didn't realize it. Read the links Cadet posted and in particular the thread about validation. She was trying to share her feelings with you and you were routinely dismissing them as if they don't matter, and as such you made her feel unimportant. This is the kind of stuff that really adds up over the years and causes a lot of resentment. Then when someone comes along (usually OM) that DOES listen to her then it's like giving water to someone that has been crawling through the desert forever.
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I have tried to talk to her before I read the Divorce Remedy book. She also read it and said that book is nothing more than manipulation and that it is wrong.
Oh man, you never should have shown her the book. Unfortunately now anything you do she will see as tricks to get her back. "Oh you're only doing that because you read it in that book". Don't talk to her about the book anymore. Don't let her see you reading it or any other relationship book. You've got to pull back and let her think you've had an awakening and are letting her go.
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Every time we talk everything is my fault. She takes no responsibility for anything in the relationship.
Once a person becomes a WAS this is how they see things. You need to quit talking to her about the R.
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I have apologized time and time again
Apologizing from the heart once or twice is fine, but don't keep doing it. It just makes you look weak to her. She thinks everything is your fault, and if you apologize all the time it just reinforces that she's right, it really IS all your fault.
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she refuses to go to marriage or individual counseling.
Don't try to make her go.
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Her support system are her parents who have hated me for the entire time we have been together and a female friend who is divorced.
Don't blame them, WAS's always have enablers. The enablers only hear one side of the story so there's nothing you can do to defend yourself. You just have to let go of that and focus on what you can control, which is YOU. Read DR. Read Sandi's rules every day. Get out and GAL. Give your W time and space.
Steve... when we first met she had moved to the area to go to school for a year and then was to move back home. We got together and she did not return home. She had told me all the horrible ways her family treated her so of course I had issues with them from the get go. They also had issues with me. Once we had our boys they reappeared due to the kids. Her parents have just have always been cold to me and of course I was the same.
Okay, I am not sure this answers my question. What were the issues?
CDJB, I am trying to get this information so I can provide feedback taking that into account. In general, having issues with a spouses family will always come back to haunt you later. After all, they are her parents. So unless they were extremely abusive to her at some point she is probably going to want a relationship with them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
CDJB, one other observation while I await your response. Women do not need their own place to work on their MR, find themselves, etc. Women need their own place to sleep with other people. Likely she is already involved with someone else. Monkeys rarely leap from one branch until they've identified another branch they feel is more attractive. I say brace yourself because a lot of LBSs come here in denial about that. But all of the markers for that are here in your sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
