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AndrewP #2837321 02/14/19 12:36 PM
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Do you realize how deceiving carefully applied, expensive make up can be too? I have older family members that cant leave the house "without putting on their faces"


M: 42
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Twins age 5
WAH in summer
JujuB #2837327 02/14/19 01:14 PM
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Originally Posted by JujuB
To hear Andrew say he didn't care about looks cause the lady seemed sweet was just really nice. He also lnew the pics werent accurate going in and didnt care cause he liked her communication style which i guess for him is priority


The problem is that you're comparing us to Andrew. Andrew is Canadian and that's to say he's not normal. Canadians aren't normal. Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Jesus Christ are all Canadian. Most of the rest of us are not Canadian. Canadians are nice and kind; what's up with that nonsense? Just keep Andrew out of the convo. Alright already?

AndrewP #2837363 02/14/19 05:11 PM
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A bit rambly upon re-reading. No one is surprised I'm sure

-----

I will confess that since I've already met Brenda once (figure no sense making up an alias) albeit briefly and some time ago, that I have a pretty good idea what she looks like so I'm not as pure of heart as it may appear smile I recall her as a pleasant looking woman of about my age who was very helpful to me at the shop and an engaging conversationalist. She was also very focused on doing a good job and stopped talking with me when a page went out that another customer needed assistance and she dashed off.

Other comments made about the whole OLD thing reminded me that I do indeed need to focus on the person and not the pictures. I'm not looking for a glamour girl, or a sex kitten. Not that I have anything against attractive women. I have though found that some physically attractive women also are insecure - mainly about their looks - which is unattractive.

Funny in some ways that she wasn't on my radar at all from browsing. She had very minimal information posted on her profile. Nothing about likes / dislikes / dreams.We'll have something to talk about I would hope. I don't expect her to be up on the latest developments in the world economy (analysts are worried about the on-going impact of tarrifs) or NASA (the rover has been declared dead). But there is undoubtedly things that she is interested in that I would be as well. Her relationship goals were "looking for someone to marry" so I expect that either we'll hit it off or we'll move on relatively quickly.

It's easy to get wrapped up I think on "types". There are some "types" that I would avoid, but those would be people who have made unhealthy lifestyle choices like drugs, or uncontrolled spending. There is one lady who quite probably would date me in a heart-beat. She's not physically attractive by normal standards but what puts me off is the fact that she has a life that seems full of drama and was part of the crowd around my ex-wife when she was having her affair. I do know that she's tried OLD and has ended up with a couple of "clingers" - one of whom keeps posting on her social media about how pretty she is and commenting things like "I have my own place now".

I read a recent and very disturbing article on CBC news about a woman who met a man via on-line dating, had coffee with him, thought things were going very well and then he drove her to an isolated area and raped her. She took herself to the hospital and had the standard rape tests done which showed a fair number of injuries. A few things struck me though in the comments made in the court. For one thing, she was presented as being a willing participant the man's excuse being that he didn't speak English well and that she didn't clearly tell him that she didn't want to have sex. But the big thing that came out was a comment that since she was so much larger than the man that she should have been able to defend herself / fend him off. Her response was that she was numb with terror.

The article does show a very dark side of OLD where these women who are "less attractive" get targeted by predators.

If you do look up the article - CBC News Plenty of Fish Rape - takes you right there - please brace yourself. It is very disturbing.

This plus other things does make a couple of things clear to me as I continue on my journey. Be safe. Act safe. Project safe.

----------------------

Texted Brenda this morning before I left for work (I believe she starts early) wishing her a Happy Valentines and a hope that her boys would spoil her. An hour or so later I got a nice wish the other way.

I also messaged D26 (sent her a card that she got a week ago) and left S24 a card and a large sized Kinder-Egg on the table for him. I'm not expecting anything back from them but it would be nice.

Happy Valentines day to all! And more importantly - tomorrow is also Singles Awareness Day in some parts of the world and discount priced chocolate pretty much everywhere.


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JujuB #2837389 02/14/19 07:20 PM
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Originally Posted by JujuB
Do you realize how deceiving carefully applied, expensive make up can be too? I have older family members that cant leave the house "without putting on their faces"


JuJu i really think you are still missing my point and I think it's in our definition of "Deceiving People". I have little problem with putting your best foot forward. I just saw a woman who could be so much more attractive if she tried to be. For whatever reason she has chopped her hair all but off, wears no make up, etc. her choice. But if that woman went to the gym, grew her hair out, learned some solid makeup techniques... I don't see that as deception. I also don't see putting up photos that are more flattering as deception. We all have photos where we look better and we'd be stupid NOT to use them. But they are of us - we were just more photogenic in that shot. This is not at all my point when I talk about deception. What I'm taking issue with is those who put up 10 year old photos. Those who put up photos that are not even of them!!! Those who put up photos from 75 pounds ago. THAT is pure and simple deception - that is lying. A boob job is not lying - she's going to show up with those fake boobs everywhere she goes including on your date. Working out, dressing well, looking your best is not deception. It's when you don't do those things and try to portray that you do.

I remember a long time ago a woman telling me all of her photos are current and her daughter is 16 - yet in the photos I see a 6 or 8 year old daughter. She was not even good at lying and stopped talking to me after I caught her and she admitted it. Smoking is yet another huge one. You'd be amazed how many woman claim they are non smokers when they at least smoke weekly if not daily.

We all want different things. I mostly want honesty and putting up old photos that you then claim are current is not honest. Saying you are skinny or average body type when you really weight 200 pounds (and had only head shots) is not honest. It's THESE things that I take huge issue with and am surprised you do not. I'd love to be able to say looks don't matter but they just do. I'm honest about that. I can also tell you they matter far less after I know someone. I again ran into a, I guess it would be best termed FWB from near 25 years ago. She's not at all the same woman but I think she's just as hot as ever. It's because I know HER. Would I go after her today, not likely. And the other side of the coin is true as well - there are all sorts of great looking woman that I would not spend more than 30 seconds with. They are ditsy, shallow, boring, rude, uneducated and all sorts of other terms. I want the entire package - reasonably good look plus a great person inside, nice, fun, intelligent. Just don't lie about who you are.

But now I'm getting off topic and at Andrew's thread real estate expense. I just wanted to clarify what I mean by deception. And if you still think putting up 10 year old photos is not deception I guess I'm not sure what else to say.


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Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
AndrewP #2837553 02/15/19 07:40 PM
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Weird dream last night. Probably caused by reading OneArt's thread plus the happenings in my own life.

In my dream my ex brought S24 home and actually drove in to the drive and then sat in her car. I went out and asked if everything was OK. She said she wanted to talk and we went inside the house where I was in the middle of doing the dishes. My kitchen and the counter were a massive mess - post Christmas dinner kind of mess and I was embarrassed by that. We talked rationally and calmly while I tried to get caught up on the dishes. She asked how I was doing and told me she missed me in a very dry-eyed fashion. I was ambiguous about my own feelings.

Then the Amber Alert noise on my phone went off and woke me up (very sad story).

And yes - a reminder - just a dream. And not a particularly disturbing one other than the mess on my counter.

------------------

I had a nice lunch today with a good friend who I haven't seen in a few months. He's on the other side of the corporate re-organization and now thinks that it is good for me that I didn't end up on the same side as him. He asked after both my ex and CL and seemed satisfied with my answers that I'd not heard anything from either of them. He was very positive about the fact that I've put myself out there for online dating and that I've already had one positive response.

I did text Brenda this morning a "have a great day" - she's off visiting one of her sons for the weekend I believe a 5 hour drive away. I may not hear much from her through the weekend. I am trying to work through some possible 2nd / 3rd etc date ideas. If a second date happens I'm thinking of suggesting brunch the following Sunday. I'd like to find some craft shows or similar but there's not too many of those coming up in the next while. As I've joked before, I like to plan my spontaneity. I did notice that the local hospital foundation is having a fund-raising gala this spring. It would be nice to have a companion but that's far enough in the future and things are uncertain enough that I'll leave that one on the shelf for now especially considering that it's $100/ticket plus a "voluntary donation" plus I'm sure things at the event. A very good cause though and probably a nice night out. I've not attended before. My ex could never muster enthusiasm for charity events for some reason although she did usually attend the dinner for the one main charity I support.

Well - I think that this is close to a record for composing time. About 4 1/2 hours. I've been busy otherwise. And soon it will be the weekend! I do think that I'll have some work needing to be done. There's some prep-work for some meetings with the acid business I need to do along with some procedure setup for the plastics business. Ever so exciting smile But on the other hand I can pick up at least some of the cupcakes I won in a contest from the cafe around the corner and my friend after lunch gave me a container of more that one of his daughters had made.


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AndrewP #2837657 02/16/19 09:03 PM
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I have a very diverse musical taste I think. My playlist as I worked on some mending switched from Stompin' Tom singing "Bud The Spud" to Sammy Davis Jr's version of "Someone To Watch Over Me"

Lovely day thus far. As I was heading out to do my Saturday erranding I got a nice text from Brenda. She's having a good time with her son. She seems pretty excited about our upcoming date. I will confess that I am as well and am surprisingly not overly nervous. I'm sure that will change. The neat thing is though is that I'm in a "place" where I know that I'll be fine. I don't have a lot riding on this date. It would be nice if I managed to hit a home run in OLD in my first couple of swings but I know that the process is - have coffee - see if either of us runs for the hills. If not, have a second date - I'm thinking Brunch the following Sunday and then see where it goes if anywhere.

I've not figured out the "right" cadence of texting with her but we do seem to be doing a daily morning text which is nice. Some days I send first and some she does. I'd been wondering about sending her a message this morning as she is off with her son but she messaged me so that answers that question. I believe she's driving back Monday.

I was in getting my haircut this morning and my barber was joking that he hoped his wife wasn't on the dating app. I pulled it out and he had a browse. He recognized one of the ladies - one who was on my "possibles" list and remarked that she had just finished off with husband #3 and that she seemed to be doing quite well financially. Small down dating tip I suppose. Check with your barber before dating. He didn't know nor recognize Brenda but she's fairly new to the area. My barber sat on town council for many years including the police services board so he knows pretty much everybody. The fact that the former head of the police services board hadn't heard of her is undoubtedly good. And of course barbers hear more and better stories no doubt than bartenders.

It was interesting because I do think he is honestly nervous about his wife. Not that he has any specific worries - just generally. Another friend who also has a very attractive wife is similarly on edge I'd noticed. Perhaps seeing me makes them know how frail things can be. And my ex-wife would maybe qualify as cute and certainly not in the attractiveness league of their's.

My barber made a few ribald jokes about my dating possibilities and not too surprisingly emphasized a few times the importance of safe sex. "Wrap it up tight". He knows that I've been celibate for nearly 3 years now and also joked that I needed to suggest in advance to my first post-marriage partner to not be surprised if everything was over the first time before it would barely begin wink I did buy a box of condoms well over a year ago - I suppose I should check to see if those things have expiry dates - no real expectation of needing one in the very short term though. My barber also suggested that I am far too nice of a guy to be getting lucky easily and that if any woman does come on to me too quickly to run and hide.

A couple of articles that I read recently suggested using Google Image Search to check the bonafides of people you encounter in OLD. I checked Brenda's pictures and only got a single hit on her profile. For giggles, I did the same thing to one of my pictures. Google (and this is no lie) says "Possible related search: gentleman" and linked to the Wikipedia article on the subject laugh - takes a bow. That makes me feel really nice.

S24 came out as I got home with the groceries and went with me over to the cafe to help me pick up the cupcakes I won in a contest. He also helped put the groceries away and remarked that I really hadn't needed to bother buying more cheese as we had a big block already. I took a breath and told him that I won't eat that cheese from his mother and that I was actually offended that it was there and that I didn't really want to get in to why. That got me an "oh get over it" eye-roll but may stop further cheese deliveries. Difficult thing to mention but I'm glad I got that out there. I do expect that he does have a good relationship with his mother at present. They were always rather close.

I got a message from 20S that she's going to be stopping by tomorrow and to save her a cup-cake. We'll see how that goes. S24 was rather surprised to hear that one of his best friends would be stopping by and agreed that no promises could be made about cupcakes.

Third load of laundry is in the wash. The first load was some mats one of which came apart on one seam - hence the mending. I was thinking while I was doing it that this was very likely a mat that cost only a couple of dollars and here I am with my "old guy" glasses on re-stitching up a seam. Certainly very representative of me. Why throw out a perfectly good mat when for a bit of effort and not cost I can keep it.

Time for me to get Amy off my arm and get the bed made. The kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room need sweeping. I have a nice looking wee steak out for my dinner which I'm going to do up with a baked potato, attempt a sort of mushroom gravy and some veg.

My play list is currently doing something Samba sounding in Spanish. Let the laundry dancing begin. And yes - I have a large music library.


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AndrewP #2837664 02/16/19 10:59 PM
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Andrew,

Brenda sounds like a woman who knows how to stay in touch w/another person and doesn't keep a person hanging. I think the two of you will hit it off once you've met and relaxed around one another. Just go and enjoy yourself. If it doesn't work out, another one will be out there waiting for you.

As for the cheese....I don't blame you....I wouldn't eat it either. LOL!

Enjoy your Sunday. Life is never dull around you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
AndrewP #2837762 02/18/19 12:23 AM
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Just finished Sunday Supper with S24. It appears that the old, surly S24 has returned. It's been a generally good day. I hadn't heard from Brenda so sent her a text around 9:30 that got a response about 1/2 hour later. She was busily making pizza crust which she assured me she does very well.

I do believe that in some ways it's a "test" - will he text / she text. Thus far it's been working out fine. We send a couple of texts in the morning it seems and then get on with our day. It does indicate that the attraction is mutual and we both are putting in some effort. On the other hand, we've not even had our coffee date so there's not a lot invested at this point.

Good day here. I had a nice walk around the village, soup at the cafe where I chatted with my friends who have requested a date report on Wednesday. I got my ironing done and despite the conflicting timing around the different parts of dinner did not too bad on having everything ready at once. The veg were slightly under-cooked though I thought.

For dinner I made meatloaf - yes - topped with cheese. I did the steps slightly differently and it wasn't as solid of a loaf as I usually do but it all seemed to be fine. Many leftovers were also created.

S24 is my issue right now. The good news is that he's going to be regularly working up at the pub which with his other job should give him enough income and stability to eventually be independent. Oddly in the past few days - since he visited with his mother - he's actually cleaned and tidied his room including today vacuuming. A positive thing perhaps but very outside any usual pattern. And to me - one thing that I am very sensitive to is patterns.

Over dinner I did mention briefly that on Wednesday in addition to the piano tuner hopefully coming that I had a date in the evening - I got a very upset looking young man telling me very bluntly that he didn't want to hear about my love life. He has said that before but this was more vigorous than usual. I could speculate that he is perhaps hoping for some sort of rapprochement between me and his mother who he has seen more often and recently. But I do put the odds of that as close to zero. And it could just be him having a sudden turn to having a bad day. As a parent one thing that I have learned is that in many ways we are a bit of a punching bag. Expected and assumed to be there and supportive regardless and someone who no matter what is said / done will still be there.

Prior to dinner he was cheery and upbeat so the shift is odd and seemed to coincide with him taking a walk around the village. In many ways I wish that I could have a blunt and honest conversation with him about my life and his mother but I know that is a non-starter. First off, it's not his "affair" and secondly I don't think that that sort of conversation would be well received or productive.

Well - off to do the large pile of dishes that Sunday Supper always generates. And unsurprisingly S24 isn't around to help. The other day was certainly an aberration and I'm not surprised.


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AndrewP #2837764 02/18/19 01:23 AM
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Your son' s reaction does not surprise me.

His family roots did not include bf and gf....

AndrewP #2837767 02/18/19 01:50 AM
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I' ll add more.. and i might be wrong. I know you will tell me if i am.
If he felt that your ex' s choice to leave was wrong, eventho he loves her with all his heart, he will always carry abit of resentment for that choice of hers.

He probably understand the why you want to date but he probably does not want to be too close.
He might feel like he betrays you when he is with his mother and OM. He is probably comfortable with just her.

He probably will feel like he betrays his mom if he is with you and OW ( for him, this is who does people are). He is find with only you.

He sees the pain your ex and OM cause you and he knows this will cause pain to your ex. Even if all of you try to hide it.

It takes a very long time for OW or OM to be accepted. Sometimes, they are never accepted.

Also, family dynamic will change once again.

Like i said, i might be wrong.

Last edited by job; 02/18/19 12:05 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
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