Either you can openly bring it up during a weekend breakfast with her and see how that morning turns out when she tells you she is ready for more... I mean the alpha male will communicate what he wants with his wife, right?
OR
You save it for the BR and give her some power in the bedroom to lead and you be ready to reciprocate back.
Take cues and consider the timing. This is really great. IMO she gave you the green light and you can show her your MOJO or SWAG however you want. This is really up to you on how you want to lead.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thanks everyone. Still mulling all the advice and possibilities!
Everything else is going very well. Wife and I are doing very well, I feel like partners in everything: finances, parenting, work around the house, etc.
Amazing how much better life is when you are self-differentiated, putting love first, and maintaining constructive, positive behaviors!
I only have to fight the old guy back once every couple to 3 months, and the interval between is getting longer. Life is so much easier this way!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
My old man started to rear its ugly head. Some old feelings started to come back up. Things about not having things done around the house, etc. There are a lot of external pressures still on us. In-laws in for summer. Lots of graduations parties, events, milestone birthday parties. Other house still not sold. New house needing a few things (mostly minor like garage door cable breaking, etc).
So I had to fall back on techniques learned in IC....reminding myself about whats really important. Not undoing months of hard work by reverting. Etc. I was pretty proud of myself to NOT externalize it except to do what needs to be done. Another therapy technique! "If you feel it is so important...then do. Without murmuring nor complaining."
As I said, he have a lot going on. I just called her earlier this morning and talked to her for a little over a half an hour. As she was sharing things, and telling me things, I realize how far we have progressed from a year and a half ago. No way would that phone call have gone that way a year and a half ago. it would have been me talking, her barely interjecting and anxious to get off of the phone.
On the D16 front, that is still up an down. Big difference is that instead of it being all positive with her, and negative with me it is now 50/50 with both of us. Things are still better between her and I than a year ago, but she is continuing to try to find her individualism, though it scares me that she seems so impressionable to her friends' influence. She has some good friends but I do not know them all that well. So they could be Eddie Haskelling me.
So that is where things stand. As soon as the other house is sold, we will be doing some more counseling, but I think we are in a decent place until then.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Relax, enjoy the reality my friend. Teens are teens. There´s their natural rebelion state. Enjoy all of that. It´s hard but you were there not a long time ago.
Don´t wait for the rain. But, if it comes, enjoy it.
(((S)))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Thanks neffer. Always good to hear your wise words.
We had an extremely busy weekend. From the time I got home from work Friday, until yesterday around 5:30pm, we were on the go, busy, and just had no time to relax. I was exhausted last night. Went to bed early.
I was out for about 20 minutes when W came busting into the bedroom: "THERE'S A BAT IN THE HOUSE!"
I jumped out of bed, threw on some clothes, and leaped into action. Had the bat out of the house in about 10 minutes.
Why is this important? Because the old Steve85 would have been angry about being awakened, would have taken out his frustration on the situation on his W. And even when W and D were videotaping instead of helping, and laughing at me chasing the bat around with a towel trying to shoo it out the front door (luckily the new house has 8 foot high double doors!), I never reverted to old Steve anger. We laughed about it later. It feels good to be happy, and fulfilled, rather than angry, bitter, and resentful.
Onward and upward....indeed!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Good job Steve! I too see myself stopping for a second before I react and realizing what is important and in the end saying it really wasn't that big a deal and glad the new me responded.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I wanted to post this story from early on in my sitch because I see a lot of new posters struggling with things like:
"She is being nice to me." "She is telling me about her day." "She asks me to do the things she always has before."
The temptation is, after BD is to latch on to anything that makes us think she changed her mind.
To my story.
I got BD on 12/23/2017 (actually initiated by me). You can read my sitch to see that it was the typical WAW/WW BD speech. As AnotherStander pointed out to another poster last week, my W was typical in her sript. ILYBNILWY, I want to move out and get a D. Etc.
This was during the holidays. I had until the 2nd of January off. That week I went back to work she called me one day. She was a photographer and had a client that was really picky. She had just done a lot of post-production processing on a set of photos and wanted me to look them over to make sure they were up to her usual quality. I knocked it out of the park. I looked at each photo, gave her detailed feedback on the photos. I remembered the scene in War Of The Roses where he didn't really take the time to look over her Catering Contract, and even used the copy she gave him to review to smash a fly. That seemed to make her feel unimportant to him, so I made sure to make her feel like a priority.
The fact she asked me and I knocked it out of the park and she was appreciative (I handled a lot of her business dealings for her business) made me think we had turned a corner!
Guess what, it did not! She was clear she still wanted a D, wanted to move out, etc. She was still engaging with OM (in fact sent nude pictures to him the night that I delivered my detailed feedback on her photos).
The above quotes MEAN NOTHING. Do not attache meaning to them. Remember, no expectations....NO MATTER WHAT.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The fact she asked me and I knocked it out of the park and she was appreciative (I handled a lot of her business dealings for her business) made me think we had turned a corner!
Guess what, it did not! She was clear she still wanted a D, wanted to move out, etc. She was still engaging with OM (in fact sent nude pictures to him the night that I delivered my detailed feedback on her photos).
The above quotes MEAN NOTHING. Do not attache meaning to them. Remember, no expectations....NO MATTER WHAT.
Thanks for sharing this, both because it makes me temper my expectations and because the broader thread gives me hope (though we are further along than you so the odds seem to be more against me). I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you.
M(35), W(35), D(4) M-9, T-12 Bomb Drop (D announcement) - May 3, 2019 W moved out Aug 13 House sold Sept 25 Papers signed Nov 15 Divorce finalized Dec 12
Well I was afraid this would happen. That I would need to post a not so positive update. But I do. I need you all to weigh in and give me different perspectives.
So while things have been going pretty well, in fact they continue to be better than they've ever been, I lately have been getting an inkling that she's been a little too into her phone again. Things slipping around the house again. I have been keeping things upbeat, cheerful. I've continued to realize that some of the things I made a big deal in the past are not that big of a deal. You know things like dishes in the sink, clean dishes in the dishwasher not emptied. In the past, pre-BD I would allow that to send me into uber-jerk, passive-aggressive mode. I am happy to report I've been avoiding that trap now!
Tonight, I stayed home from evening worship because I've been fighting a sore-throat. Not sure if it is just allergies or not, but I've been froggy and rundown all day.
Got the urge to do something I haven't done in months, and that was to snoop. Trust, but verify, right?
So fire up her PC. She is logged out. That's kind of odd because she hasn't logged out of the PC in well over a year. So I grab her tablet. Pull up her email. In the trash of her old business account (the business is now defunct) is an email exchange between her and some guy. French name. His is the first saying essentially, "good morning, hope you have a good Sunday." He does drop some pet names like sweetie, and uses some emojis. Her response is "Thanks for the well wishes, you have a good day too." Followed by some smilies..
Then another from him later in the afternoon, sending a selfie while he is out kayaking. (Apparently he is from Canada.) He ends closes the short message by saying "Good day sexy". Her response is "Thanks. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing."
Short. Sweet. Pretty innocent. Too be honest the most troubling thing about the whole thing is that she deleted his messages. And then went into her sent box and deleted what she sent. If there is nothing to hide, why cover your tracks?
I think she met him on one of the games because the tablet had the game loaded, so I went in and she had requests to play the game from this guy, or at least a guy with the same name.
Obviously, I am considering confronting about this. I know enough to not give away what I know or how I know. But at the same time she isn't dumb and will know that I figured all of this out somehow.I could take the approach of just saying I've noticed her on the online games a lot again lately and to make sure she is remaining appropriate, making sure guys like this Canadian know that she is married. Etc.
Really had hoped I never would be in this situation, but here we are. Thoughts? Advice? Should I confront?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
