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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Joejoe,

you're right. My W is a grown woman. She is capable of making her own decision and she is solely responsible for them. My in laws are not anything I should be worrying about or letting bother me.

I did just let her take the pooch. Not worth any big discussions.

Now W wants to go "back to dating". If this is her way of avoiding discussing all of her crap, then it's a no-go. But I also don't really need to discuss her 24/7 either. I'm going to take time to think it through before agreeing. And obviously I've let her off so easy in the past when she'd cross the line and violate a boundary.

She's been bringing up a lot of positives memories from our past, so that is strange. She's been discussing plans for the future, but again we've done that before and she's run back to OM. I'm still meeting with divorce lawyers and still going to discuss divorce/separation with my priest.

Got my office almost 100% done on the remodel. Have to install base trim and reassemble 4 desks then clean it up.

I have the house to myself this weekend! So nice to feel free and do what I want. I'm hoping to have some people of to watch the PPV boxing, but I may have to head into town for some fun. We'll see.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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ovr, what is new in your sitch?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Thanks for checking in on me Steve.

I've been starting the new gig, things are going well there but are tough b/c I have plenty to learn. Things have been up and down for me. Went to LA and San Diego for 10 days from 4/5 to 4/14 and that was great. W came with me, extended her trip to the whole time. Initially I wasn't excited about that but it turned out that we had some cool adventures. We had a few heavy conversations and I've been less worried about speaking my mind than I have in the past. I don't put all of my pain out there for her, but I'm not afraid to talk.

I don't know why I stayed away from the forums and my own thread for a while other than I was just fatigued. Coming up on my BD anniversary was stressful and I was thinking about filing for divorce and just pulling this tooth. I know I'll always have swings and am getting better at reacting positively to them. In the past year, I've stopped my emotional abuse to the W. No more nitpicks, no more name calling, no more belittling. I've tried to carry that over into other areas of my life too, even my driving. I tried to think, act, and talk more positively.

Now, did W ever prove it's over? One of you asked me about this recently (thank you!!!). We had discussions about this but I don't feel like W went out there and really proved it. And it's kind of sad that I don't really care like I used to. There's only so much a person can take before they just shut it down and stop worrying about horrible things like affairs. On the flip side, my W felt this exact same way about how I was treating her in the years leading up to BD.

She's been home every night, we've been communicating in a much different way than even 3 months ago, and W and I had an impromptu meeting with my Dad and sister on Easter morning. It was a talk/cry session for everyone except me, I'm too tough for that wink. Of course W freaked out on the way and called her parents instead of talking to me. If I'm going to remain with W I probably need to accept this kind of thing in the short term, and set my boundaries in the long term as far as them not picking and choosing when to drop in for advice. I have my concerns about W, but I'll just air them out this week. If that chases her off, then I will be a little sad but there will be a major absence of a negative. I would have the house to myself and I would be just fine.

My story has been an up and down tale and a major learning event for me - and it is still going. I don't know what will happen but I am going get through no matter what. I'm continuing my weekly IC. We are starting to veer away from my W and into my head, where the painful memories of my childhood still reside and where I have concocted many a scheme to keep my W right where I wanted her, making her feel pitiful and small. One thing that came up was self forgiveness. And it's true, part of the reason I was able to bear the weight of her incredibly horrible affair was my own guilt from how I treated her. Part of it was me loving her so much. Part of it was me not wanting to be divorced like my dad. But I've been letting go of that guilt. Does W still think, feel, or expect me to hurt her? Maybe. And she'll get over that, or not, in her own time and her own way. In the meantime I am working harder at work, at GAL, reading, training my pup.

I've made some serious career strides this year, but I do owe my W and my Dad, and many others, a big thank you. W signed off on a line of credit I needed to get my business off the ground. My Dad helped me restructure a boat loan to obtain that line of credit. My Dad still has a ton of issues and still tends to hurt me and my siblings, but for now I'll focus on his positives and maybe start to enforce stronger boundaries with him too. I guess that's what moving forward looks like for me whether I speak about him or my W. I'm finally going to read DR again with somewhat fresher eyes. I may read my own threads again one day too, but I don't know. Thank you for everyone that has followed my story. My screen name is "Overtherainbow", and that's the only place I thought I'd ever see my W, and my happiness. I thought I was losing it, that my life story would change and I couldn't recover. I was spinning out of control and hoping desperately to change my situation. I've come to grips with it and I couldn't have done it without the support that I received from MWD and everyone on this board.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Quote


I know I'll always have swings and am getting better at reacting positively to them. In the past year, I've stopped my emotional abuse to the W. No more nitpicks, no more name calling, no more belittling. I've tried to carry that over into other areas of my life too, even my driving. I tried to think, act, and talk more positively.



This so struck a cord with me, ovr! I was the same way. Had let years of anger and bitterness turn me so negative. I was horrible to my W. And in the road I was aggressive. Everyone was purposely slowing me down or getting in my way. Chasing all that has set me free!! Glad to hear you made positive changes.

Being right and being happy aren't always the same thing. I was a right fighter. And it was making my life miserable. Being happy is such the better choice! My IC taught me this. And it sounds like yours is leading you down that path as well.

Thanks for the update ovr. Onward and upward!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Glad to read where you are, Over. Piecing is no easier then other stages of DB. And it´s a long bumping road.

Time and patience as usual. And choosing to be happy, that´s the attitude.

Really happy for you man, keep going on.

Yeah, onward and upward!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Thanks for sticking with me everyone. Neffer, I initially laughed at the "piecing" comment and thought "are we?"

Maybe. I'd been holding off on pressing about questions and opening up with her. I've been in IC every week the 3 months. I told my IC that I don't know if it's really over. She laughed and said that you are so bold I'm surprised that you haven't asked her. I laughed when she said that and thought "you're right". I went home and asked. I didn't want details of everything, but I figured I needed to look her in the eye and be sure. We talked about it a bit. I probably need everyone's advice on how to verify/ensure but I'm ready to move on. I'm tired of playing detective. I'm ready to be free of the weight of all this.

W is home every night, we've seen her family quite a bit, she's been around mine a bit and everyone has said what they needed to, with the exception of my mom. She hasn't seen my mom yet and that is a looming issue. W has apologized to me, but I'm not pressing to constant apologies from her. She got me a card and a couple things for my birthday. It was a tough read on the card but it was very heartfelt. I do find that we are getting along quite well, but we are getting used to a new way of "fighting". I find myself trying to remember to not get too high or too low based off of this relationship with W. I do want to go slow, but obviously my emotions are building towards her. So I'm trying to temper that for the time being b/c as you all know your world can turn upside down in a minute.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Ovr,

I think not getting too high or too low off of another person is always a safe bet; it's important to still be independent and detached with others, even if in a relationship with them. I think of that as the opposite of codependency.

Your sitch is a tricky one. I sometimes struggle with what to tell you and feel like I always go back to my same old, boring advice. It's just what I think and you know I am not great about sugar-coating anything. You let her back too easy. She didn't ever lose you and she didn't have to do any work to get you back. I feel like it's almost that simple for most of us here.

I also still think you have to be apart for some time before ever coming back together again. It sux and yeah, it takes a long, long, long time. This stuff can take many years. As you can see, a few months or even a year of staying together and "partly" working on things is not enough. I don't see that she was ever all in ... so my fear is that you have been slowly building bad habits together that are becoming the norm. .... I think you deserve better than this ....

Or I have missed something here? Your second paragraph is rather confusing to me. Are you saying that she said it's over but now your emotions are building more towards her? I don't get it. She is still there tho. Has she said again that she is done and out? I don't tend to believe what she says because she hasn't been honest and changes her mind. Or can you just tell because she is becoming indifferent?

Blu

Last edited by BluWave; 05/07/19 07:40 PM.

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
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It’s a bumpy ride ovr. But there’s movement.

Time, patience. You know what it takes.

Keep doing what works man.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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ovr,

I am grateful you are on the boards sharing your time and energy, your perspective and insight. You deserve to be happy. You're a good guy.

I am going down that road where I am making it too easy for my W. We are physically separated but now she wants to try and work it out. She says she is willing to go to MC, she tells the kids she loves me. She wants me over more and all the time. She's said she'll tell me everywhere she goes and will turn the find me app back on and all that BUT she has not admitted to one darn thing. She has said she wanted to be forthcoming with me and I guess in time. I think in some ways I am like you. I want to be honest as can be within the rules of DB. I want to help guide her and encourage but I cant spoon feed her what to do. I am liking our time together, especially with the kids. My S6 is having some issues now with the separation and its eating us to the core. He misses me and cries at night. I am also liking my time alone. And I know to trust nothing my W says.

This is how I see my sitch, I'm just starting with the physical separation. After some point if I am making it too easy for my W to cake eat, I will get tired of it. I'm using the time for my own personal wants. There is no guarantees in life so I am taking it day by day. I am foolishly being patient hoping that if I create this safe environment that W will have a chance to open up on her own. If not, and when I feel the time is right, I'll end it. My W said she knows she has a communication issue and she is a distancer. She said she wants to talk to a counselor about these things and even wants to work on changing this with me. It's not an overnight process. It will take a lot of time.

As neffer said, there is movement. I was watching some videos from marriage counseling about being in the valley and if there is another person involved, sometimes its okay to be in the valley for a while if there is movement.

change will happen. nothing stays the same forever. you're strong and I know you have the fortitude to endure with dignity. You keep working on you. Your W will eventually get on board or she won't. You also know the old M has to end for the new one to begin.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Blu,

Originally Posted by BluWave

Or I have missed something here? Your second paragraph is rather confusing to me. Are you saying that she said it's over but now your emotions are building more towards her? I don't get it. She is still there tho. Has she said again that she is done and out? I don't tend to believe what she says because she hasn't been honest and changes her mind. Or can you just tell because she is becoming indifferent?


She did say it was over and that she was trying to show me by being on her phone and doing thing in front of me. And yes, I'd say my emotions are building, but not much, towards her.

Adam, I don't think you're being foolish by creating the safe environment for her. Everyone wants to feel safe, like they can let their guard down. Her being a distancer means you may require more patience. Any chance your W isn't lying? These sitches make us so adversarial, and we don't realize to what extent either.

I need to post my own thread more often. There's a bit of dread in doing so. Things have been fine. W staying at home, we're going out and doing things together. Had a good holiday weekend.

W is pushing forward with the business we were discussing pre-BD, a wedding venue. Isn't that funny? I jumped on board for a few reasons. One being more money for us and another being that her parents were already going to back her financially anyways. I can't stop this train so I might as well make the best of it. She did sign on my financing deal for my business back in December.

Overall I've been fine, going to IC every week and working on my issues. There's plenty. Trying to be a driven, hard working, passionate person who isn't high strung and super critical. I'm also dealing with my family issues that probably got me in this state of mind in the first place. I've been having a lot of dreams about my brother - I'm an identical twin. My brother and my dad are a source of a lot of conflict in my life.

I'm also working on being a better partner - listening (putting down my phone or book), trying to make sure I understand, and then responding not to fix the situation. I've been trying to reread the detachment and validation threads and maybe I need to read some more relationship books too. Some of my 180s have been to be more pleasant to be around, to listen, to do the things the important people in my life ask of my with a positive attitude. Those have been going well.

Should I post on my thread more often? I really don't know. I hate to feel like I'm avoiding but sometimes I don't know what to say. Thanks everyone.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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