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I’m sorry O. But I think she is dropping another bomb on you. I would prepared for that. It seemed like a matter of time this was going to happen. Because you guys got back together and she did zero work on herself. She’s still the same. And while you have changed, she’s the other half the equation and she’s stayed the same. And we know both parties have to change and want to change. She came back home the very same person.

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Ovr,

How is the office turning out and did you get the furniture? That sounds interesting and how is the new gig going?

I want to echo what AS said. Listen and validate. Be strong and patient, be the rock.


Ovr, I want to say you are really doing well. Keep DB!


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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A little update for the last couple of days. Also, thank you all for continuing to help me. I'm very happy about my progress in the last year but I have plenty to keep working on as far as being satisfied with who I am as a person.

I've been getting out getting busy outside of work, but am pretty busy with the office remodel. I followed Davide's lead and went to hot yoga Thursday night. God dang that was hard. I'm going to do it again though. Back in August I stopped weightlifting so much and cut down to 3 days a week b/c I've have been weightlifting for almost 20 years now. I want to try new things. So I've been running more and now I'm going to do some yoga.

After I got home from yoga, she was laying in bed like she has been at all hours for weeks now. I looked at her a couple of times b/c she had such important things to talk about. But she said nothing, so I showered and ate and when I went to bed then she wants to talk. And, of course, she said all the same things she had said the day before. She also added some blame to for the whole situation, using her parents' and her favorite phrase to justify her terrible actions: "How did we get here?". It's their way of saying that it's my fault we are in this spot to begin with and that I need to submit to her will. W pressed further about divorce and splitting assets. I told her it's not that hard, we split the house 50/50, sell the car, and move on. W goes crazy, thinks she is entitled to much more than half of the house b/c her dad gave us free work on the first house and very good pricing on the second house we built. Of course, I funded a lot of the initial costs while my W lived rent and expense free with me while she paid off her student loan. Also her claim is pretty baseless and would get laughed out of court. Now she is threatening to take part of my new business if I don't cave on the house. Greatttttt. So it's time to see a lawyer again, who knows, I may have to pay off the barbarians at the gate. We'll see.

The important talk turned into a fight and I'm sure this is exactly what she wanted. We both got rude and she stormed out of the bedroom. All in all, the real problem came out, and she said she feels like my changes aren't real, that they're just fake to get her back. Our MC had told us to make a list of things each of us needed to feel safe and secure with each other and this prompted W to feel like my changes were not real. My bad behaviors are very similar, though much less in severity, to my dad's bad behaviors. I know if my dad did 180s on his horrible behavior that I would feel like my W feels. So I just told her I get how she could feel like they aren't real. Then I apologized for the mean thing I said to her earlier and went to bed. She slept in the guest bedroom.

Friday morning came around and she initiated yet another talk, though this one was shorter and I had to go anyways so that helped. As I'm leaving she asks for a hug, I say OK, but don't move towards her. Then she says "Well I guess you don't want one". I'm like WTF. So she comes over and gives me an awkward hug that I really didn't want. Then she calls a couple hours later to ask me if I'm doing all the things she knew I was doing: buying paint, buying flooring, etc. So I ended the call quickly. I worked late, got home, showered, and met some friends for drinks.

And here's a very telling issue: W does her mini BD to me on Wednesday, I looked at the car app just now, and went by to OM's house Thursday night for a couple hours. This loser lives at his parent's house at age 30. And the scumbag parents have seen her come and go there forever. I'm sure they had 0 communications at all over the last few weeks, months, etc while she was "trying". Or that those communications had nothing to do with W taking off her ring 4 weeks ago. Totally unrelated. Anyways, it looks like I need to have 0 R talks with her moving forward, it's just a crock of crap to make her feel better about her disgusting BS behavior. I'm still not ready to divorce, but it's not like I have many options. Gonna continue to focus on myself here. I'm gonna go full bore on my GAL, keep up with my IC, read, earn money, figure out my legal situation in the event of divorce.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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AS, I think you're right about me being the soundboard. She even mentioned a couple weeks back that she has few friends and can't face her parents. She's said the same things over and over, she's not sure of what she thinks, feels, wants. Of course she is super emotional and depressed as well.

Davide, I'm really gonna set and stick to some boundaries. I know this, it's time to do it. Also I tried hot yoga b/c of you. Holy cow the women in the class are quite the pleasant distraction.

Ginger, you were right. It was a mini BD to make her feel better about going to see the OM. And I love your post about how she's not changed. She is still running away from all of that.

Adam, the office is coming along, paint and flooring is next. Then I'll be like Michael Scott.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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That’s why you don’t need to get into MR talks, then get into some kind of WW fight. Just let her be what ever she wants. She’s WW man, forget common sense. You are better than that Ovr.

Keep detaching. Keep DB

Be strong there!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Over,

Here's a question, how has your position changed in your M since you first came here? How has your W changed?

I don't see much growth. I see that you understand the concepts better, I see you giving advice, but your application for your own sitch has not been good. You have evidence your WW went back by OM house, what is her consequences for doing so? She lied to you, broke your trust, don't respect you.

You'll do a lot of having R and M talks, go to a MC, but where are the actions? When are you going to start respecting yourself, because from what I'm reading, you have no respect for yourself and neither does your W.

I think you should start there. And ignoring her calls and going to sleep on her is not respecting yourself, it's childish.

What actions have you done, that's taught here on this site? Because all I'm seeing is two people with attachment issues, not knowing how to let go or put in the appropriate work to fix their M. And yes, just because you aren't the WS don't mean you aren't to blame for the position you'll are in right now.

If I know someone is doing something wrong and I don't say anything, than I'm complicit. If, I know a person is doing wrong, and I tell them, they are wrong and I continue to allow that wrong and accept that wrong, Im just as much too blame for their actions towards me.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Joejoe,

I'm obviously not detached. I'm better than I was but as anyone can see I've done a lot of the same things over and over.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
You have evidence your WW went back by OM house, what is her consequences for doing so? She lied to you, broke your trust, don't respect you.
What are my options for consequences? File for divorce or separation right? Am I forgetting any?

Originally Posted by joejoe1
What actions have you done, that's taught here on this site
I was in full LRT mode for a long time, had to go dark a couple of times just to calm down and take some space, I've made new friends, started new activities. I've learned how to listen better, learned why and how to validate feelings. I've stopped pursuing, I've detached to the point where I don't argue or logic with her when she brings up divorce.

Originally Posted by joejoe1
And yes, just because you aren't the WS don't mean you aren't to blame for the position you'll are in right now.
I agree. I've owned all my bad behavior. We probably wouldn't be here if it weren't for me acting so selfish, rude, and overbearing. But maybe we would. That phrase is W's and her parent's way of ignoring her affair. That's why it pisses me off.

I don't want to divorce. I know I'm scared of it. But I'm guessing that's what everyone is saying is that I either have to file or I'm showing her that I accept this type of treatment or marriage.

I have to talk to lawyers this week about it and my priest as well.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Aug 2017
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Ovr,


Hmmmm........

I think you are so afraid of the outcome it's stunting your creativity, and trust me I know, you don't want a D. That's why all LBS are here.

Maybe, you pack her sh!t and put it in storage. No more access to Ovr, is an option. No more talking and giving explanations, she know what she is doing is wrong.

The phrase about about her and her parents, listen, it's her parents, stop expecting her parents to change her or to chastise her. You keep going to that as an excuse. Let it go, move past it. PLEASE!!!!!!! You know their stance, so now what.

Gain your respect, what does gaining your respect from your W looks like to you? What are her actions if she was respecting you? Why are your actions if you are holding her accountable?

What can you do different? Try something new. And stop worrying about the outcome and focus on your actions, you can't control outcomes, you can only control your actions. Only your's!!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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ovrrnbw Offline OP
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Joejoe,

I don't know about packing her stuff, but at least it's a creative idea so thank you. I do think limited access is fine, but we're kinda there right now anyways.

The stuff with her parents I'm not sure you understand. I don't speak to her parents and I have no expectations of them except that they'll continue to support, enable, and make up BS for their daughter. The phrase is simply one they helped create and it's annoying.

I have been thinking about what you said, what actions I can take to gain respect or hold her accountable and what I can do different. I don't know yet, but I'm still thinkin about it. I do agree that I'm very concerned over the outcome instead of my actions.

Last night, W tried stealing my pup out of the master bed with me and it turned into a 10 minute ordeal of me telling W to go to bed and that the dog sleeps with me. W brought up that I did say the dog is good for emotional support but I think she was just trying to guilt me into getting her way.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
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Ovr,

The reason I mentioned her parents, is because you have a tendency to lump them in with what your W is doing
Your W is a grown woman. She has the ability to make her own decisions. Is it moral for her parents to enable what she is doing, no. But in reality, they are standing by their child. To me that shows you are trying to take some of the blame off of your WW. The blame belongs to your W and it's hers alone. 100% her choices.

This thing with the pup shows so much immaturity, we have been saying that since your very first post. Stop playing the games with her. You both have to grow up. You'll are fighting over a puppy!!

It's so much that both you'll need. Your W is so selfish and her consideration level is at 0. You need to learn how to hold her accountable. And, her accountability/consequences might end up being her losing you.

I have hope for everyone, but I really think you need space away from your W and it has to be your decision to leave. Your W loses hasn't added up enough for her to want to make the decision to choose you.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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