just need to write down a few things. We had MC last week, it went ok. W is still far behind me in terms of learning things, and I am trying to be patient in regards to that.
W's family is still too much in our business. I talked to a guy I snowplowed with, who works for FIL's best friend, and he mentioned getting paid on the last snow, which I plowed with them on. I haven't gotten paid yet, but apparently the check is sitting at FIL's house. But he's going to withhold some money for me and W's phone bill. I don't think W has been paying it for a long time. So that's annoying as hell. Then I needed help last week on the office build out and W was up my rear about getting FIL out there to help. FIL comes out, isn't very interested, and takes off. W is mad at me when I told her "I got the impression he didn't want to do it". But he didn't and I know he didn't, so no big deal. In the past he would have been all over this, but the inlaws are W's parents and they want to see me as the problem. Then I called around to find a carpenter to help me, all of whom know FIL. W's uncle called back and agreed quickly to help me. Then FIL tells W to tell me how much to pay him. And while FIL had a good point, it really pissed me off that he wanted to not be involved but still be involved.
I'm getting my office space remodeled and up and running, and that's taking up a lot of my time. The new gig will be great though. Friday was my official first day, I really wanted to go out and celebrate, but then that was kinda not so exciting b/c I have the depressed/MLC/quarter life crisis/wayward wife. We went out to dinner and that was OK. Saturday was busy, had some office work, helped W with some stuff, went out hunting and watched some fights Sat night. Sunday I stayed in all day and cleaned up the house and split firewood. Luckily W was plowing snow with FIL and didn't get home til late Sunday.
Last night she suggested that I should have slept in the other bedroom b/c I went to bed at about 1:30 AM and she had to wake up at 2:30. I was like nope that's why I sleep. I only mention this b/c it is very odd. And then tonight, W gets home and basically goes straight to the bedroom, said she wasn't hungry, then got a plate and went back to the bedroom saying she doesn't feel good.
I need to go read DR again about dealing with the depressed spouse. I need to get out a GAL more. I need to stop tying my happiness to what she is doing. I had a couple ups and downs today, very brief, but I kept telling myself that I need to go do things that make me happy. Tomorrow night I may go try the hot yoga. Thanks for reading.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
ovr buddy, sorry man. I know this isn't easy. And having her parents involved makes it tougher. Your last paragraph is 100% correct. Stop focusing on her and just focus on yourself. Double down on get a life. Keep up the 180s. And definitely keep working on detaching.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W just came home early and had a talk. I was just about to leave for the gym but decided listen since she'd been moping around the house for a week now. She asked if I was happy. Said she isn't happy. Of course, the only way to be happy is to feel madly in love with another person. That is the 1 known cure to depression. Not that she'd ever hear the truth in that coming from me, so I didn't say it.
She said this feels like it's forced. I responded it's a choice, but she still feels like it's forced. I say, "OK, I get that, fine." She's sad and she's doesn't feel good. I just listened and validate here and there. She asks if I care. I said yes. Talk lasted 40 minutes before I finally told her I needed to get going.
Then she calls when I'm barely out of the neighborhood. I thought about not answering, but figured that'd be a little immature since I wasn't on the other line. She said more of the same stuff, and I tried getting off the phone, but she kept going. She was a little more forthcoming on the phone, whereas in person she was tiptoeing around the big scary words. She asked an indirect question about MC, which is at 5 PM tonight. She knows the cancellation policy is 24 hour minimum notice. Then she gets mad at me for "getting mad at her". I told her I'm not mad, just annoyed b/c she already knows the policy.
She asks "Will you be fair?". She was speaking as far as dividing assets, though she refused to be clear. I simply said "Yes". She asked "how do you want to do this?". Well since I don't want a divorce I said "however you want, it's up to you". Then it was boohoo poor her, I act like I don't even care, I'm not even sad, etc.
Anyways, I really don't feel down. I've been through all this crap before, I'm determined to be happy no matter what, and even if she does go file for divorce, what am I losing? Unfortunately we don't have a healthy relationship and haven't for a while. Going out to dinner with my sister and making a Craiglist purchase! Oh boy!
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr, Sounds like a major temp check on her part and you handled yourself perfectly. You are in a great place with yourself right now and ready to take on anything that comes your way.
She called twice right after she knew counseling ended but I didn't answer. She was supposed to be at counseling with me she could have talked to me there right?
How would you guys handle those calls? It is very annoying to deal with.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Another call this morning. Asks when I can talk. Well we just talked yesterday twice. You could have talked to me at MC. I don't know when I want to talk so I told her I'd let her know. Says I'm dodging her. I actually had an appointment to go to look at some office furniture this morning, for my office. I find it quite ironic that she could say I'm dodging. She can't own a thing she's done, can't figure out her depression, won't try anything positive for herself. I think I need to stand up for myself next time, I didn't this time bc I was in the store standing next to the lady who works there.
Anyways still got plenty of GAL plans but this is aggravating.
I want to send a text telling how to she's being a turd, but I'm sure that would just confirm that she's under my skin.
Anyways Id like to hear advice on how to handle these little interactions.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Ovr, My thoughts are not answering as you did is the right move for the general calls throughout the day. It sounds like there is something she feels needs to be discussed and it possibly could have been done in MC or maybe MC wasn't the right place to have that convo. I wouldn't rush but don't put it off too long, propose some times for a talk (much like a business meeting) that work for you and leave it at that.
I'm just catching back up with your sitch. That's rough, to have to deal with all the vacillating and equivocation from her on such a regular basis. I have only seen in that in the rare moments that W and I sit down to talk and it is difficult enough. Their uncertainty is real, but it is cruelly unfair to us. You'll eventually reach a point when you will prefer to move on rather than reside in that limbo. You can't rush getting there, but it will happen.
In terms of the calls, I don't see the benefit of engaging with her in conversation about the R. She has to work that sh#t out for herself. I would stick to business. For me, a real easy boundary would be to tell the W that I won't discuss the R over the phone and if she goes down that path I will hang up. If she kept calling, I would text and tell her to text back if she has anything urgent she needs to let me know. Getting angry or reacting with emotion is definitely something to avoid. Standing up for oneself is drawing clear boundaries, communicating them,and them calmly sticking to them.
You got this!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Anyways Id like to hear advice on how to handle these little interactions.
She sounds kind of all over the place and I would tend to "not believe anything she says and only half of what she does" right now. So revert back to your DB'ing- listen and validate. It sounds like that's what you've been doing so that's good. If she accuses you of stonewalling again just say something like "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but I'm just very busy buying supplies for the office and don't have time to talk right now, but we can talk this evening if you wish" or something like that. When you do talk, if she once again repeats all the same stuff then bite your tongue and just listen and validate. I don't think she's talking to you to get a reaction right now, she's using you as a soundboard. She's kind of talking to herself if that makes sense. That's why she's repeating the same comments, she's not sure how she feels about them and she needs to hear them out loud.
