My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 6

[AnotherStander]

Well she is serious now about divorce. Says me cancelling plans with her after finding out what she was doing Saturday was me punishing her.

Not sure she was ever really back in the M, doesn't really sound like it. She quit wearing her ring 2 weeks ago, and she got back on Snapchat, and because you got angry about the Snapchat thing she says it's over now. Here's the thing O, she KNEW this would be your reaction. She KNEW it was a boundary she shouldn't cross. But she chose to anyway, and why? I suspect it was because she knew you would react this way and that would open the door for her to punch the D card again and blame you for it. I'm not buying it, I think this is all part of her plan to escape.

At least you know what to do. Pull back, give her time and space, detach.

Very sorry you're going through this again so soon. Do give yourself a high five for not setting up a joint account with her though, because she would be busy draining it right now.

[Adam04]

Hey Ovr,

So sorry to hear how things are right now.

AS said it better than I could.

My W uses the term "the last straw" so anything I do she doesn't agree with will be the last straw.

I know I am at fault for some failings but damn that is a crazy way to look at a marriage as if anything I do will give her reason to give up, to run to OM, to blame it all on me.

We don't deserve to live like that. No matter how much we give for them to take , they will not see it. Not like this.

IMO, just from observing behavior here, two things hold LBS back and that's guilt and insecurities. Those two things cause us to hold on for way too long.

[NicoleR]

Hi Ovrrnbw,

That's so mean of her. It's totally ok to just feel terrible for a while because your situation is hard either way. If you give in to her it's like giving her the green light to keep manipulating you and taking advantage of you. If you don't give in she says she wants a divorce and tries to make you miserable. You know throughout all this that your wife is emotionally unstable. If you move out for a while and let her calm down she'll probably back off from the divorce talk but you'll still have to navigate a way forward. For your lease could you explain that you need another week or two? You're smart and if you sit and think rationally after regaining your composure it may be easier to weigh your pros and cons. No matter what you know that you have many supporters here who are happy to talk and listen any time.

[Bo562]

Hi Ovrrnbw,

It's totally ok to just feel terrible for a while because your situation is hard either way. If you give in to her it's like giving her the green light to keep manipulating you and taking advantage of you. If you don't give in she says she wants a divorce and tries to make you miserable.

Hey Ovr,

If it makes you feel any better, I’m here a bit myself.

My W wants to know what I’m feeling / thinking about all this. I’m keeping it pretty tight-lipped (except here on the forums), and doing my best to validate. She doesn’t like it, though—especially with her calling me fake, among other things.

We had a discussion yesterday where she talked about how she never really wanted a D, she just wanted to separate for a little while, and potentially work on reconciliation—but because of especially how I’ve been acting the last couple of months (since starting DB’ing more intentionally), she claims that I’m pushing her (and any hope of recon) further away, and that she doesn’t want to come back.

She also wants me to agree to her parenting plan, or else she will escalate (file for divorce, leave / take the kids, etc. I won’t get into specifics here; if you want you can check my thread / sitch).

[ovrrnbw]

Ok, time to calm down a bit. I can't let her words or choices control my feelings. And what am I doing believing what she says anyways? Time to be calm and strong when she blames me for everything and takes zero responsibility. I can state my position, and if she wants to be childish, make excuses, or tell stories I can just disengage calmly. And for these last 6 weeks, almost every time we kissed or hugged I knew it could be the last. Detach moreeeeee!!!!

One morning, W wants to combine finances. That afternoon, it's divorce time!

This is not like I was being rude or cruel to her over nothing. In fact I wasn't even rude about it other than cancelling plans with her. Her favorite phrase is "why are we here?" This is how she says everything is my fault. But that didn't apply to her crossing the line on the snapchat deal. Emotions have a funny way of existing with logic, yet both are important.

After talking to her this AM on the phone, we are up to 7 calls, 8 texts, 1 voicemail, and 1 email. I haven't gotten back to her yet. She wanted me to stop b/c she knew via the GPS app I was by her work but the overall theme of her comms is she's hurting very badly, she doesn't know what to do, me ignoring her is bad, I always hurt her. In WAS terms, "I'm leaving you but I need you to be there for me while I do."

I told her on the phone this AM that if she files for D I will never talk to her again. I don't have to. But that's unfair in her mind. Well that's just how I roll, sugar.

I seriously hope she doesn't hurt herself too b/c she is getting out there a bit.

[ovrrnbw]

Well the drama escalated last night. I was expecting my sister to show up at my office to hang out and get food. I hear the back door open, I walk around the corner, there's W. I was not expecting her.

My sister showed up about 10 minutes later and W is freaking about b/c she can't see my sister. W later got mad that I told my sister that W was there. Bizarro. So W talked a little, she's hurt, doesn't think I care, blah blah blah. Cares about but doesn't know if we're good together. Well, duh. If we were good together would we be in this sitch? We've all heard it a million times. She's not ready to accept that she has hurt anyone. Oh well, you can't force defensive people to suddenly change or to look at themselves. So I'm going to stop.

Detachment. I am going to start working on better detachment. I am being too cold. Cold means she's affecting me, whereas me being steady and even keeled is me in control of me. W and I need some major change.

Got home from hanging out with my sister, W is kinda mad that I ate without her. She thought I might come home and eat something with her and wants to make me feel bad about it. I can't really win with W right now. W told me she is going to stay the night with a friend Tues night. Hhhmm... Yea I dunno. We'll see. We still have our locations shared via an app, maybe she's being honest. Time will tell.

Going to get busy, run more, build some stuff, get out with buddies, maybe hunt some this weekend. The thing is, W is going to be mad at me for planning stuff without her, but I have zero clue what her plans are. And she may decide she doesn't want to hang out with me. Very annoying, I will just makes my own plans.

[Adam04]

Ovr,

Yup you two need time away from each other to decompress.

She needs to see you are not the source of all her problems.

Her putting all those expectations on you is wrong, wth.... angry for not eating with her?

Sounds like you have so many options. The hunting alone right there... go do it buddy. Let me know what you catch.

[ovrrnbw]

Hello everyone, just a little update. I like updating my thread b/c it is written record of things, it helps me to remember and helps me to learn. Thanks MWD .

Anyways, things slowed down a little last week. W went to her friends apt last Tuesday night. I don't know if she went back for OM or not, truly. But she is at home every night since. This is obviously different than before when she was never home, but she's not two feet back in the marriage either. I can't control that, so no sweat here. Wed morning she called a bunch, I didn't feel like answering b/c she wasn't at home Tues night. Finally I do, she has a flat tire and wants me to come change it. Funny how she didn't want to act like a wife Tues night, but Wed morning it made a lot more sense...Of course me changing the tire didn't come without some BS about how her and her dad thought I may not come do it. The two of them should be together, good lord. I won't even get started about how we have insurance that covers this kind of thing.

Wed night, she wants to make plans for St. Valentine's Day. OK, we went to sushi. Friday I didn't go to the office with the snow we were supposed to get. Went to town to get some groceries and what not, W was throwing a fit b/c she wanted to go out to lunch. Money is tight for her right now, so she wanted me to pay too. Although money is only tight for her b/c she's spending a lot and has access to $0 of mine. W was being a major B Friday afternoon, I didn't want to engage and told her and showed her. Finally I looked her in the eye and said you are being a "stinking B". That's the PG version anyways. W changes her tune after a minute, says sorry, asks for patience and reminds me how she was always patient with me. I told W how it's different b/c even when I was hurting her, I was always committed to her. W didn't like this so much, oh well.

Wednesday I met with my priest, and we discussed the possibility of me filing for divorce and/or separation. That felt good to talk about further.

The rest of the evening and weekend went fairly well. We watched movies and went bowling, I made chicken stock and chicken and dumplins. I love fires and comfort food when there's snow on the ground. I'll be honest, I'm a little afraid to leave W behind on a weekend night and go GAL.

I'm in this weird spot where my W's affair seems over but she's not ready to recommit to the MR. Of course, I didn't make her work very hard to get me back. That's my fault. But I can say that I am getting tired of her crap, this situation, and feeling better about the prospects of being without her long term. I am so much stronger, smarter, wiser than I was a year ago. I think about the 1 year mark, it's coming up soon. I think about Steve's old signature and timeline. I think about what I want for myself, and if I can ever really trust this woman.

Thanks for reading everyone, and thank you for commenting as well, it means a lot.

[neffer]

It´s all about time Ovr. Time to detach, time to heal, time to let anger go out and get into clear thoughts. W needs time too. She should be working on herself. Is she?

You have traveled a long road man. You know where you are standing. I tend to defend WAS positions because of my criminal record... so I´m asking you what do you want from now on? Rebuilding bridges to a new MR takes patience. A lot of patience...you both need to be working on the same frequency.

So time, patience and eyes wide open Ovr.

My best wishes for both of you.

[AnotherStander]

W went to her friends apt last Tuesday night. I don't know if she went back for OM or not, truly. But she is at home every night since.

Honestly O, I don't read anything here that makes me think she's anything other than a WAS still. You think she may have seen OM as recently as a week ago, she doesn't call unless she needs her tire changed and then she's blowing up your phone AND giving you attitude about it, wants to go to lunch only if it means a free meal for her, treats you like crap, etc. etc.

I'll be honest, I'm a little afraid to leave W behind on a weekend night and go GAL.

Serious question- why?

I'm in this weird spot where my W's affair seems over but she's not ready to recommit to the MR.

Not weird at all. Her A may be over but you are still Plan B and will remain so until you refuse to be it anymore. I suspect she's just biding her time until another OM comes along.

But I can say that I am getting tired of her crap, this situation, and feeling better about the prospects of being without her long term.

Good! So detach, get out, GAL, leave her to her mess!