Maybe you just are not ready for a R yet. You might not even be ready to casually date yet. I don't know that's something you have to evaluate. We all have our ups a downs and time is a precious commodity. Maybe you should spend some more time on yourself to find your center, your drive, and your purpose. I can relate and understand where you are at and how you struggle, however I am a few miles upriver from where you are at. Just keep heading downriver. Someday we will all get there if we want to.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Sorry to hear about your frustrations! I am experiencing a lot of that too with work. I've started a new position, and getting normal tasks done takes forever b/c it's a new system. It can be hard to obtain focus and get prepared. And it stinks knowing that you were the one who could have made this better simply by preparing thoroughly. You have to just get one thing done at a time, one step, one line, one section of your prep. And then start some momentum. I hope this doesn't sound like me telling you what to do... I just hate that feeling too. I've been doing that not eating thing too, but I turned it around this week. I just had too. Not getting enough greens, root veggies, fruits and quality protein alters your mood. Especially when you still are engaged physically.
One task at a time. You will have it knocked out in no time. Good luck on figuring out the work situation.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for the support folks! It has been a stressful time given the job situation, the car, the divorce process, and the relationship questions. I think a hectic social schedule (great GAL) also wore me out to an extent (got the spelling right, this time!) as I have been going out nearly every night. I enjoy it and need it, but I know that I also need time to recharge my batteries at home, to practice self-care, to be with myself in quiet solitude. That was one of the elements of growth that I was most proud of this past summer - learning to sit with myself and be at peace. I have spent much of my life bouncing from one thing to the next in constant motion, always on the look-out for what was next and a lot of that was driven by fear of simply sitting with myself and my own thoughts. I don't want to lose touch with that because I think that is what helps keep me centered.
I'm feeling somewhat recharged after the weekend even though I was out and about a great deal. The prof. and I went to a super fancy restaurant in town on Friday night as she sometimes does "secret shopper" assignments - so she has to take pictures of everything and write up the experience in exchange for a basically free meal. It was fun and slightly absurd to eat in such a ridiculously over-the-top extravagant locale. The food was very good, but certainly not worth what the price would have been, as you pay for the ambiance and attention. On Saturday I went to a brewery for a friend's birthday, which was much more casual and relaxed. He and his wife are from Colombia and had some Colombian friends in from out of town, so it was great to be able to converse in Spanish and reminisce (since they are all from the same city I lived in.)
On Sunday I spent the morning climbing in the gym, and then had a barbecue / play-date for my dog with some friends who live close by. I haven't been taking her out enough recently, and I can't get to the dog parks without a car, so this was a great opportunity for her to get out and run and play since they have a huge backyard and a hyperactive year-old puppy.
I also had my climbing partner video me working on (and falling from) a particularly hard bouldering route. I posted the video on social media along with a reflection on my struggles. I rarely feel the need to broadcast my feelings via social media, but I felt compelled to share this.
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This is a failure. I fell. Again. I have been struggling with this route for nearly a week at this point and I don't know if I will ever get it. It is right at the the outer limits of my physical capabilities - my balance, finger strength, and flexibility. It is a struggle. This is the sixth time I fell today. And surely not the last.
Perhaps I made incremental progress, getting a foot higher than before, or maybe I figured out that this method won't work. I still don't know. What I do know is that in this struggle I find joy. It is hard, sometimes it is painful, almost always it is frustrating to fall. But, my mind is singularly focused, working in concert with my body, and my breath powers and calms me. It is joyous and pure. The smile as I fall lights up my face.
I'll keep struggling.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Another tough week in the books. I was really struggling last weekbecause I was feeling very unsure about my relationship with the prof. We've been dating for over two months and not only is she clearly into me, but she has consistently shown herself to be the type of person worth spending my time with. We share the same values, have similar interests/tastes, are looking for the same things in our lives and in a relationship. Moreover she is kind, compassionate, patient, and genuinely makes me feel appreciated when I am with her. We also have nice sexual chemistry. She really checks off all the boxes. But I just haven't been feeling any spark. She commented last week that I don't flirt with her or give her compliments, and she was right. I've been holding back subconsciously because I am not feeling the spark that tells me this is something real.
My question was why. When we first met, it was the best first date I had been on, and looking back at our text messages in the beginning, I was interested, and flirting. Was it just the thrill of the chase? Our relationship got intimate and relaxed very quickly as it was just easier to swing by her place after she put her kid to bed, and perhaps something was lost there. But if it was just the thrill of the chase is that even a reason to break up? My other thought was that my situation might be leading me to hold back - the uncertainty of my job and even staying in town, as well as filing the D papers and working through that process. She has been very patient with me, understanding that I am working through those things, and I have been open with her all about that. So, I have tried to be patient to wait and see if as the relationship goes on that the feelings deepen.
However, I reached a point last week where I decided that I couldn't handle it anymore. I felt like my feelings weren't deepening, and I was feeling guilty that I couldn't reciprocate the love and support she was giving me. It was making me feel bad to the point that I almost didn't want to see her. So, yesterday we had a long talk and I broke it off. She was ready to have the talk and had previously noted my ambivalence, but she was thrown off by my decision to end it. It really s#$ks because of how much I like her as a person, and how much I enjoyed talking with her and spending time with her. I think it is the right call, but I am far from sure. It also definitely brought back some memories of BD which was nearly exactly a year ago.
I made the decision to end it last Wednesday after clarifying my thoughts by speaking with a good friend. On Thursday night I returned home to find a mason jar with fresh flowers on my dining room table - left by W with no note or context. I was glad that I had already made the decision to end it, so that I didn't have to question my motives. But to top it off, on Sunday as we were having the talk and walking through the city, W and OM passed right by us on their bikes. Given that I was in the process of breaking up, it felt a bit like a kick in the pants. Oh well, time to detach more.
I am feeling more and more like getting out of here would be the healthiest option for me, giving me physical distance and a completely new social circle that isn't so thoroughly mixed with hers. However, that is not entirely under my control. I don't have any offers, and am just at the outset of the interview process with a couple of schools, which means that there is no reason to think anything will work out. I feel like I need to be okay with coming back if no better opportunity comes along, and not get excited by any possibilities.
On a positive note I went to a yoga class on Sunday and one of my regular instructors was a participant in the class and ended up right next to me. At the end of the class she came up to me and told me that she wishes she could always practice next to me, that I was so grounded and focused that it helped her because she felt so all-over-the-place at the outset of class. It was very sweet and completely sincere of her. I certainly felt a bit scattered myself given the breakup I was about to initiate, but the yoga did help center me. It nearly always does.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I´m sorry about the Dr news Davide. Some cycles go up, some of the go down. Just be aware of keep moving up with each cycle. Moving forward.
Take your time to make decisions, you are not in a rush. I get you are a little pessimist about you and the teaching environment there. Am I wrong? Try to figure out why is that happening. I know you have done a terrible effort DBing, be at peace with yourself brother. Glad you are keeping the yoga classes. Get your balance back, rest your body and mind. Take things as they come. GAL. Enjoy each journey D, relax. Move forward.
((((D))))
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Living in uncertainty. That is the daily struggle right now, which I mean in both a good and bad way.
I flew up to my hometown for a job interview this past weekend. It would be at a good school, a sizeable pay increase that would more than make up for the cost of living, plus it would be a fresh start in a major metropolitan city where I still have lots of friends and family. On the bad side, it would severely curtail my freedom in the classroom, which is why I moved to the school I am at right now. Currently, I don't even have an offer, but if I get one it would likely come this week and I would have less than a week to respond. It's a tough decision. It feels like now might be a good time to make a break for it as I have little in the way of roots down here. That said, the situation is not ideal, but I don't know that I will be able to find an ideal situation or even a better one. I've been thinking about it since I left and I am still on the fence. If I don't take this job I will most likely sign my contract to come back for another year where I am (though I could always break the contract if something amazing came up.)
I have a couple of first dates set up for this week, tonight and tomorrow. I haven't talked to them about the job interview since we are just meeting for the first time. I figure if I take the job, I'll just let them know and that's that. If I don't take the job (or don't get it) then I´ll just move forward with my life as if I am staying. Of course, if they ask I'll answer honestly, but I don't plan on bringing it up myself.
I was recently re-reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F%$k and one section made me question myself. It was talking about codependent relationships and how unhealthy they are, it reads:
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Instead, victims and savers both use each other to achieve emotional high's. It's like an addiction they fulfill in one another. Ironically, when presented with emotionally healthy people to date, they usually feel bored or lack "chemistry" with them. They pass on emotionally healthy, secure individuals because the secure partner's boundaries don't feel "exciting" enough to stimulate the constant highs necessary in the entitled person.
That gave me pause because I just ended a relationship with an emotionally secure partner (the prof) with whom I lacked "chemistry." I also recognize the unhealthy codependency of my MR. Am I only seeking unhealthy relationships? I don't think that my MR started out in that way, rather it devolved into that due to a host of factors including depression on both sides. I don't think that I have a track record of seeking out those types of relationships, as I was always very independent and self-reliant before. But, am I unconsciously seeking to replicate the highs of my MR, or is it just that the prof and I didn't have the right chemistry? How could I even tell the difference? It is definitely something worth considering.
I am currently filling out round two of my divorce documents since a month has passed since my W was served via certified mail. Once I fill out these forms (correctly, I hope!) I have to take them to city hall to file, and then they will give me a court date in the next 6 weeks (I don't need to show up, it's a formality for the judge to sign off.) So, basically once I drop these forms off I will have done all the work necessary to get the divorce, it is just a question of time. I still need to meet with W at a notary to remove her name from the deed to the house, but otherwise that is it. I have off on Friday for Easter so I'm planning on dropping them off then. I'll try to go the climbing gym afterwards so that I can expunge the bad taste. It's strange that such a profound and special relationship can come down to such bureaucratic paperwork and errands (and yes, I know it's just a piece of paper, and the relationship has been over for a year now!) I suppose it is better that I am doing it myself rather than being served and being the defendant in the case. At least this way it is my choice and I get to be pro-active about it.
I hope all is well with everyone!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
That gave me pause because I just ended a relationship with an emotionally secure partner (the prof) with whom I lacked "chemistry." I also recognize the unhealthy codependency of my MR. Am I only seeking unhealthy relationships?
I doubt it, you seem pretty grounded. More than likely you're just not quite ready for a new R yet. When I started dating again I wrestled with a lot of conflicting feelings about it. It just didn't "feel right" at first. If you had asked me back then I probably would have said the same thing about there not being "chemistry", but now looking back I think my walls were still up quite high and that was preventing any chemistry from forming. I think after some more dating and some more time you'll start adjusting like I did.
