So yesterday I went to the courthouse and filed the D papers then went to the post office and mailed them off to W. I emailed her later in the evening to let her know. I didn't want the papers to arrive unexpectedly. She didn't reply to that email, nor to the previous one asking for her address and bank info, although she did leave me that info at the house when she visited the dog.
So, now it's just a waiting game.
I told a couple of close friends, my father, and the prof that I had filed. They all asked how I was doing, and I told them, truthfully, that I thought I was doing okay. There was no rush of emotion. It felt procedural and anticlimactic. That said I am glad that I am talking with the IC tomorrow. I don't want to hide from any feelings that may arise.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Ahh yes, the waiting game! Well, it's in motion now and so you can at least rest easy that the bureaucratic stuff is almost at the end line.
Good that you're going for an IC appt tomorrow. I have found that even when I have thought of situations hypothetically, when it actually happens, there is a more stronger emotional reaction. I haven't gone to IC for a while, but I am planning on going for at least a session or two when the D is filed. Bring some sort of closing to all of this and let go of the final residual feelings that I may still have.
I am happy that you shared with a few close people in your life. It's just so good to share and disclose such stuff in a safe setting. I hear you about it feeling like it's anticlimatic. I felt the same with the whole separation papers. I think it hit me more emotionally when there was a name and face to the OM, even though I know she was out there dating.
You've come a long long way! Time to put all of this to rest and in the rearview mirror.
Quite frankly, the weeks after I filed were a struggle mentally. I wasn't flooded with memories or nostalgia but there was a weight that pressed down on my shoulders, and I felt the cloud of depression all around me. It didn't seem to really kick me in the pants until after my IC appointment, as I was rather positive and had a good perspective during that. However, returning to school for the final weeks before spring break, I was really dragging. I was also physically tired as I was taking some meds for my stomach that left me groggy, and I was stuck commuting everywhere by bike (it turns out my car is totaled).
I nearly broke things off with the professor I had been seeing because I really just wasn't in the mood to see her or do much of anything. There had been some bedroom issues that left me not really wanting to be intimate, and I was wondering if they were a reflection of ambivalence about the relationship. However, instead we had a long talk in which I told her with as much honesty as I could about how I was feeling. She was very understanding, and willing to give me as much space as I needed. I think I was also a little spooked about meeting her son since, in my mind, that represented a serious step in the relationship that I was unsure about being ready for. It was liberating to be able to speak frankly and freely with a partner about a relationship (since I haven't been able to do that with WAW in nearly a year). Things have been better since then, though I haven't seen as much of her since I can't get out to her place without a car.
I ended up running into W last week as I came home early due to rain from a group bike ride and she was still at the house feeding the dog. We sat and talked for half an hour as I offered her some tea. Earlier in the week she had left a dark chocolate bar for me on the table after walking the dog. I thanked her for that and for signing for the divorce documents. It wasn't nearly as fraught a conversation as the previous ones, and I tried to keep it light. She still gets emotional about the end of the marriage. I pointed out that it was just a piece of paper and that she never really cared about the papers. She agreed but said that the marriage was a real thing. I couldn't help but point out that the MR ended a long time ago. She's clearly still processing the fact that it is over, and going through a lot of the emotions that I lived last summer. I did tell her about the car accident since she noticed that the car wasn't there. She offered to lend me the moped we used to share (she bought a new motorcycle and isn't using it anymore). At first I turned her down, just like I turn down all of her offers, but later it was pointed out to me that I could use it to visit the professor, so it would actually be quite useful. She is going to drop it off at some point this week. We really only need to meet in person once more for her to sign the house over to me, but otherwise that's it. I do wonder whether it would be a good idea to leave town to make a fresh start elsewhere.
Last week was spring break, which I was dreading to an extant. It was a lot of free time, a lot of alone time, and given the mood I was in, a lot of time to stew in my own juices. However, it turned out much better than I thought. I was relatively productive, cleaning the house, taking care of my totaled car situation, catching up on some school work. It was also restorative as I slept more than I had in a long time. I did yoga nearly every day, and had my most productive climbing sessions in a while. I took the professor to a pro basketball game, in which my favorite team came to town for one of their two yearly visits. It is something I am passionate about, and hesitant to share because it seemed to come between my W and I. She didn't love the game (it was boring, even for me!) but she clearly wanted to support me and spend time with me, and recognized that it was something important for me.
This past weekend I flew home for a family wedding. It was great to catch up with my friends back home. I wasn't expecting much from the wedding since i am not particularly close with that part of my family, but it turned out to be a lot of fun. I had a bit too much to drink, but I also got out on the dance floor and enjoyed myself as if there were no one else there. It was as un-selfconscious as I have ever felt on the dance floor. It was liberating.
These are the ebbs and flows, the highs and lows. I'm just riding them out.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hang in there D, it is definitely a process. Something both Andrew and I are struggling with over in the divorced section. I was with my XW for 17 years and she has been gone for almost 2 and I am being impacted by similar feelings that you describe. Just to say it is normal. If you like the Prof just be patient with yourself.
Sorry youve been feeling down D. Just go with it and it will pass.
I had a childhood sweetheart. we were beat friends from the tome we were 12 and a couple from 14 to my early 20s. I left him when I met my H. We always stayed friendly, and if I were to be honest he always held a torch for me. When i was pregnant with D13 he got a transfer to the states - he said he couldn’t watch me have children with someone else. We stayed close though. When D12 was 7 he got married. D12 and D9 were flower girls at his wedding. I had left him. We had been apart for years, I was married with two children. I was happy in my marriage and loved my life. Yet, the morning of his wedding I sat on my own and cried uncontrollably. I hid behind sun glasses during the ceremony and cried quietly. I cried not because I wanted him back or regretted my choices. I cried because I knew then and the future we had planned as children was no longer. I cried because I was saying goodbye.
Anyway, go you for dancing. Like yoga and (I imagine) climbing, there is a freedom and a joy that only comes on when you let go.
You have ebbs and flows but they all fall into the volume continuity principle... You may go with some of that tidal currents, maybe get into some backflows, but you have set the sails long time ago. You are sailing forward dear brother. It´s nice to see you there!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
(I apologize ahead of time for the following rant. I just needed to get things off my chest)
It is strange. When i wrote that post I was actually in a better place. Spring break really helped with that. I was feeling pretty positive about everything.
Yet, I fell into another backspin recently. I had some horrible classes yesterday and they really left me despondent. My students didn't want to do the activities that I had planned and everything fell flat. The worst part for me is knowing that it is my own damn fault as I am not spending sufficient time prepping the classes. I can get myself motivated (generally) when up in front of my students, and be present and in-the-moment with them. However, I struggle to do the same outside of the classroom, and it makes me feel like I am shitty at my job. I have a ton of freedom in my curriculum and my teaching, and I often feel like I am squandering it. I could do just about anything I wanted, and I am half-assing it. They say that life is a struggle and it is simply a question of choosing what is worth your time struggling at, finding meaning in the struggle. What does it say that I can't bring myself to struggle with this? It also makes me question looking for a new job. It's hard to project confidence when you know how brittle the facade really is. Why would I enjoy the struggle more elsewhere? I don't want to run away if it is really just a question of facing up to my own issues.
There are clear exterior signs when I am struggling. I don't maintain the house nearly as well. My diet gets really undisciplined and I tend to stress-eat (people struggle to believe that even skinny people do.) I am quieter and engage less with others.
I'm trying to understand the causes. Part of it is exhaustion as I have been tired all week, starting off poorly with sleep an not being able to catch up in addition to all the exercise I have done. I have been out every night this week, which is good socially, but not so much in terms of rest. I missed a yoga class on Wednesday because I was out on a date Tuesday night and didn't get back until midnight. I think that doing yoga daily over spring break helped declutter my mind. I'm also struggling with the pressure of making a decision to stay in my current job or make the leap elsewhere. My contract is supposedly due today, though I doubt anyone will check, and people often still leave after signing contracts. I'd prefer not to do that as I have been honest and upfront thus far in the process, but at the same time, I have no real tangible options at the moment, just a number of vague possibilities. It is scary to walk away from a decent job with lots of freedom, a cheap mortgage, a city in which I have an active social life - to what? I'm also confused by my relationship with the professor. I am attracted to her, there is some physical chemistry, moreover she is intelligent, mature, kind, and emotionally available. Yet, I don't find myself looking forward to spending time with her (I enjoy all the time we do spend together, I'm referring to that state of anticipation which is lacking.) I don't know if that is a fair expectation to put on the R, or if I should simply enjoy the ride.
I am feeling overwhelmed. I realize that this is a just a "backflow" but it feels like a rip-tide when I am caught in the jaws of it. I'll get through it.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
