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#2833351 01/17/19 08:08 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6

AS - King Douche of Douchebag World... that made me laugh outloud. You are right. He has done nothing to divest himself of that title, that's for sure.


Right? Seems to go out of his way to make sure he maintains the crown!

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I hate that I still give him any space in my mind and in my heart. My biggest strength, in this situation, is also my biggest weakness. I am committed and loyal to the people I love - almost to a fault.


I think a lot of us can identify with that sentiment. The people who find themselves here are typically very loyal and committed to sticking with their spouse even if things haven't been so great for a long time. It's a crying shame there aren't more people like us in the world, it would be a more loving, caring place. We're a dying breed in this fast-food disposable-relationship culture we live in today.

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Going through old text messages was a dumb move on my part. Not sure why I did. I think I just wanted to remind myself that, at some point, he did still have feelings for me and that a part of him did want to do the right thing and try to work on the relationship. A cheeseless tunnel, I know. Sometimes we can really be our own worst enemies.


Well I think it's part of recovery. It's a way for us to remind ourselves that we really AREN'T crazy, our WAS really did love us and care for us at some point regardless of what they say right now. It doesn't make any sense that they can just turn their feelings off, but yet it happens. You may have seen me mention this before but my ex told me in tears that I needed to take care of myself, that I couldn't die because if I did she could never go on with her life. I mean she was crying her eyes out! There was nothing that triggered it, she just felt the need to tell me she couldn't survive without me. 6 months later- BD. What happened in those 6 months that suddenly changed her mind about the M? NOTHING. Nothing at all, not one thing was different. How do you mentally grasp that a person can do such an extreme 180 like that? I wish I could tell you, or that someone else could tell both of us, LOL! Anyway my point to you is this- this is about your H, not about you. You are clearly a loyal, loving, caring, sensitive person that many men would be proud to be married to. Your H? A switch in him flipped, and he's not who he used to be. Maybe he will be again some day, but maybe not. Regardless, don't lose who YOU are.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by DnJ
Not quite. That is when you realize you are, and were, addicted.

Being in love is being in love. Being addicted is being addicted.

You loved H for years and in the best sense of the word, you became addicted to him, to the feelings you had when with him. That is total expected from a long term loving relationship - it’s a good thing.

The thing is, you didn’t know you were addicted during all the good times (well relative to now). The removal or loss of the stimulus from him is causing withdrawl symptoms.

The word addiction has a negative connotation about it. However, it is just a state of being, a dependence on certain feelings or chemicals within your brain. That is not a problem in a loving relationship when addicted to your partner.

Addictive behaviour is when troubles start. As your need for that feeling increases (withdrawl) things get worse. We do something to ease the pain, which resets things (sort of).

Fight you way through withdrawl. You will find addiction is addiction, and love is love.

You can love H, and not be addicted to him. Just has much as you can hate H, and be addicted to him.

The addiction is separate, deal with it separately. Love can remain, honest.

DnJ


Thank you DnJ. The idea that you can hate someone and be addicted to them really helped me understand what you are saying. And to love and not be addicted is the definition of detachment. Sounds so easy, doesn't it? The million dollar question is how to go "cold turkey" when you have kids. It seems like something comes up at least every other day that necessitates some sort of contact. Lately, however, it has been mostly about financial things which is definitely a trigger for me. So hard to see it as just a "business deal".

Had a text from another one of H's cousins last night. She figured out that H either deleted her from his friends' list on FB or deleted his FB altogether. She knew that we had separated and wanted to know how I was doing. She also knows that he pretty much bombed me and left without much warning so is not impressed. She has been through h3ll in her marriage. Her H had a stroke a few years back and he was the breadwinner in the family. She has had to go back to work while looking after him (he can't work and is also depressed) and her mom who is also depressed since her husband (my H's uncle) died two years ago. Her H is but a shell of his former self but she has stuck by him through everything (they are also pretty devastated financially) and still has a PMA. I don't think my H likes her much. He thinks she is too loud and intrusive. He's not wrong but I like her a lot. She has a good heart and strong values and is the kind of person who would give you the shirt off her back. She is also an identical twin like me. smile

Still having a bit of a down week. All the financial stuff and my H's attitude toward it has affected me. But I will persevere. Still looking forward to the day when my H is not the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. Routinely, I wake up, look at his side of the bed (still sleep only on my side) and tell myself quite sternly... "He is never coming back - get over it." Not the most positive way to wake up but it is what it is. I also try to imagine someone there in his place and I just can't. I am sure it is not the same for him and that he can't wait to replace me. For all I know, he already has.

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
You are clearly a loyal, loving, caring, sensitive person that many men would be proud to be married to. Your H? A switch in him flipped, and he's not who he used to be. Maybe he will be again some day, but maybe not. Regardless, don't lose who YOU are.


Ironically, the love song that my H wrote for me early on in our relationship, talked about just that. He called me the "teacher" and him the "student". I guess somewhere along the way I stopped teaching or maybe he just stopped learning or maybe it was both. No use in wondering though...just leads to the "if onlys" and "what might have beens". Cheeseless tunnels.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander
It doesn't make any sense that they can just turn their feelings off, but yet it happens.


When I think back on it, I think my H was standing in the doorway with one foot in and one foot out for years. He couldn't make a decision so he just ran when he could and stayed when he couldn't run. When I found out about his double life, he couldn't do that anymore and it forced him to make a decision. Initially, I think he was leaning towards staying in the marriage and trying to put the pieces back together. However, as time passed and he found himself unable to put both feet in, he opted to run again. When it comes down to it, I don't think he had the strength of character to endure the pain he would need to go through to face himself and atone for his actions and that even if he did, I would always remind him of the worst part of himself - either intentionally or unintentionally. It seemed to him a much easier path just to blow things up, endure the fallout from a safe distance and wait until everyone had adjusted to the "new normal" and forgotten about everything he had done. Anyway, once he made his decision, he had to go all in which is why he has pushed so hard for this separation agreement and is walking away without so much as a backwards glance. Oh to have that walkaway mindset...would save me a lot of grief, I think.

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DV

Yep, detachment sounds so easy, and yet takes so long to get it. Once you do, you’ll look back and wonder why it was so difficult and took so long.

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Still looking forward to the day when my H is not the last thing I think about when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up.

I still remember the first day I realized I hadn’t thought about W yet. That was amazing. Until then it felt like I would never get over her.

Your day is coming DV, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Thank you DnJ. I know my day is coming. I both long for it and fear it at the same time. Crazy, I know.

So kids are off to bed. Long night of homework and forgot that both of them need baths...again. Four years of “single parenting”...you would think I would have it all figured out by now. I so love those little monkeys. They are doing a journal assignment that involves them doing kind things for one another every night and/or teaching each other something. Of course...there are arguments about one teaches the other, etc... Hmmm...not sure that is the point of the assignments. And my daughter had math homework. She has dyslexia so her brain just does not get math. Whenever there is math, there are inevitably tears. Well...at least it was me here and not my H. He s*cks at math.

Feeling a bit better tonight. I think it helps that I was pretty busy for most of the night. Less time to think. Talked to my MIL for a bit. She says she barely hears from him and when he does come by, he can’t seem to be in the house for more than five minutes...even when I am not home. It is almost like he has separated from her too. Their relationship is very different from the one I had with my parents. I was very close to my parents. We talked almost every day. My value system was pretty much the same as theirs. I loathed to ever disappoint them. Given that my H never really left home, I would have expected him to be a lot closer to his mom. They love each other, no doubt, but there is just a level of closeness that is missing. My parents KNEW me. They didn’t know everything I did necessarily but they knew who I am at my core. It is not the same with my H and his mom. It’s like they don’t talk about anything really personal...just surface-level stuff. It’s been almost four months since we found out about his double life. I think they have yet to talk about it. If that were me and my parents, we would have had a hundred conversations about it by now. It is just so strange to me. I asked my MIL if she thinks that anyone really knows my H and she said she doesn’t think so. Like me, she thinks there are people who know bits and pieces but no one who really KNOWS him. She would have thought that I am the person who knows him best but clearly that was not the case.

Guess I should head to bed as well. Six a.m. comes quickly. So glad it is Friday tomorrow. My son told me tonight he is taking a break tomorrow from his regular Friday night activities. He just wants to hang out with his mom. smile

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Originally Posted by DV6
It seemed to him a much easier path just to blow things up, endure the fallout from a safe distance and wait until everyone had adjusted to the "new normal" and forgotten about everything he had done. Anyway, once he made his decision, he had to go all in which is why he has pushed so hard for this separation agreement and is walking away without so much as a backwards glance. Oh to have that walkaway mindset...would save me a lot of grief, I think.


DV6...you are very right in how much of what each of us have written is applicable to the other. For sure I could have written that exact passage about my W. I don't know that my W has had a double life, but for sure running for the person that she is was/is the only option. My IC has expressed how my W was unable to be vunerable, negotiate, compromise or sacrifice and given that is how she was I can see that her only option then was to run. I DID NOT understand the importantance of those character traits in a partner for a successful relationship until I got into IC. It wasn't that I was blind to them or tried to pretend, I simply didn't have the knowledge to see those as red flags before we married.

Sadly I think as Stander has accurately expressed as the "fast-food disposable" and I would expand to say entitled, "I shouldn't have to work at this" relationship culture the default now is to just blow things up instead of work, sacrifice, endure and build. The continued acceptance of divorce as the easy fix "if you are unhappy just leave" within our society enables those who blow things up to move on without guilt.

I hope you have a good day. Enjoy Friday night hanging out with your son! smile

-B


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Time to cycle up girl. Go! You know who you are. You are the DB supergirl.

(((((((((DjV))))))))))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ballast
My IC has expressed how my W was unable to be vunerable, negotiate, compromise or sacrifice and given that is how she was I can see that her only option then was to run. I DID NOT understand the importantance of those character traits in a partner for a successful relationship until I got into IC.


That is my H too. On the surface it looks like he can but I have found out, the hard way, that any compromising or sacrificing he does comes with a price...resentment and blame. I was not a perfect person, by any stretch of the imagination, but I was always 100% committed to our marriage and to him. If he had been able to be vulnerable and tell me what he was going through as opposed to expecting me to be a mind reader, I would have moved heaven and earth to fix things.

Originally Posted by Ballast
Sadly I think as Stander has accurately expressed as the “fast-food disposable” and I would expand to say entitled, “I shouldn’t have to work at this” relationship culture the default now is to just blow things up instead of work, sacrifice, endure and build. The continued acceptance of divorce as the easy fix “if you are unhappy just leave” within our society enables those who blow things up to move on without guilt.”


Yes. My H said as much. He thinks you find the “right” person and then it should just be easy. You would think after 45 years on this earth, his view of love would have evolved but it has not. He is still quite unrealistic. He should not have to make an effort. We should not be telling our kids to “find the right person”, rather, we should be telling them to “be the right person.”

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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
We should not be telling our kids to “find the right person”, rather, we should be telling them to “be the right person.”


I love it! This is the essence of DB.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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