Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jim1234

I dearly love stbxMIL, but don't particularly feel like being very supportive of W. I don't know if it's better to remain NC, or respond with something like "Wow. That is terribly upsetting. Thanks for the update," or something a bit more supportive of stbxMIL.


Given this previous comment you made:

"I've already told her via email that I can't be her friend anymore."

I would stick to something brief like your first comment.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
That's pretty much what I said. I just added "please tell her she is in my thoughts and prayers." She replied with "I will," and then went on to talk about the snowstorm approaching NY and getting S18 back to college.

AS, I'm curious. Do you ever totally "get over" your ex? Or do you just move on?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jim1234
That's pretty much what I said. I just added "please tell her she is in my thoughts and prayers." She replied with "I will," and then went on to talk about the snowstorm approaching NY and getting S18 back to college.

AS, I'm curious. Do you ever totally "get over" your ex? Or do you just move on?


Well I can't speak for everyone, but personally I feel like I did get over her. I'm not sure I can really convey how it "feels" to get to this point but I'll try with a few kind of random thoughts: I don't know if she's currently seeing anyone but she has dated quite a bit and sometimes talks to me about it and I have no weird feelings about it. It's like talking to a neighbor. We do stuff together with the kids sometimes, like for S16's bday we went and did a room escape thing, had dinner, played some games. We opened presents together at Christmas. It doesn't make me pine away for the "good old days" or make me wish we were still married, or anything like that. I think both of us just like having that "family time" now and then and then go back to our separate lives. Sure we do it for the kids, but I enjoy having her there and I think she likes me being there too. Neither of us goes out of our way to see each other, but since we still have shared custody of S16 we do see each other about once a week and we usually will sit down and catch up on stuff like old friends. I guess if I were to sum it up that's kind of what our relationship feels like now is "old friends". There's no anger or resentment or sadness or anxiety there. It's just kind of casually comfortable I guess. Does that make sense?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I guess I'm still too angry and emotionally attached now. With time it is getting better, though.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 186
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 186
Jim anything new going on....OLW







Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Hmmmm can't believe it's been this long since I logged on.

just journaling a little.

Still not divorced, but it is progressing. In December we agreed on a Separation Agreement and filed it with the court. The only real step left is the QDRO, and that just seems to be dragging on, but it's not contentious.

Emotionally, I'm doing better, and still gaining emotional distance. Not all the way there yet; sometimes I still get sad, angry, upset, but most of the time I'm just doing my own thing.

That includes dating. I've been with the same woman off and on for about a year and a half now. She's divorcing, too, so we help each other thru the steps. I'm not a very good boyfriend. I do enjoy her company, but.... I don't make her a priority, don't really want to, and she knows it. I'm not sure if I'm just still emotionally unavailable because of my ex and an unwillingness to open up and risk getting hurt again, or I'm just not all that interested in her.

Right now I'm struggling to deal with college financing issues that spill over into income tax issues. STBX made some decisions that are going to significantly reduce the assistance offered, and I'm trying to mitigate as much as I can. And no, I'm not doing it for her, although she will benefit. It's primarily to save me around $15,000 in tuition over the next 6 years, and will reduce each of my kids' student loans by about that amount.

On the upside, my kids, parents, brother, and his family have a beach house rented in June, so I"m looking forward to that. My girlfriend and I spent a week in Cancun last month. Financially, I'm doing well, and my kids seem to be really great.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
Good to hear Jim. Keep the positive things as fuel to further move forward. You´ve done a long journey man. Keep on moving.

Enjoy time with family and kids!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
JIm, good to get an update. There is light at the end of the tunnel! Onward and upward! I'll continue to pray for you and your S!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
Hang in there Jim you were with the same woman for over 25 years. It is going to take you some time to fully move on and completely process. If you enjoy her company just be patient with yourself. There is no time table for any of this. Do what you want, when you want, and on your own terms. Just continue to hang out, hook up, and have fun.

I have been dating the same woman for almost 4 months now and my emotions still ebb and flow. She is completely different from my XW and that is taking some time to get used to. She is attractive, has a kind heart, is a giver so it is worth it to me to be patient with myself and see what develops. Her D and mine happened relatively close to each other so we are both on the same timeline which helps as well.

I will say that I have experienced more of an immediate connection and chemistry with other women but they didn't work out for different reasons. My kids are young as well so I have to also think about them in this equation and what type of person I bring into their lives. That person also has to be ok with me having my kids 50% of the time and are they willing to take on that responsibility?? I have learned there is more at stake.

You do have to be attracted but I think the rest can develop the more you get to know someone.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by Jim1234
That includes dating. I've been with the same woman off and on for about a year and a half now. She's divorcing, too, so we help each other thru the steps. I'm not a very good boyfriend. I do enjoy her company, but.... I don't make her a priority, don't really want to, and she knows it.


Hey Jim, good to hear from you! I don't think you're being a bad BF, I think it's healthy to maintain a certain amount of detachment. Makes you more attractive as well as less susceptible to being hurt. I do the same with my GF. I use a LOT of DB'ing techniques in our relationship. Listen and validate, give her time and space, emotionally supportive when she needs it and not pushy when she doesn't. From what she tells me it drives her a little crazy and makes her want to work harder at making me happy. She says it keeps her interest in me piqued. I am way, WAY more of the alpha male with her than I was with XW- the older, mature rock for her to lean on. She loves calling me "daddy". Your relationship doesn't have to look like the one you had with your W for it to be successful!

Quote
On the upside, my kids, parents, brother, and his family have a beach house rented in June, so I"m looking forward to that. My girlfriend and I spent a week in Cancun last month. Financially, I'm doing well, and my kids seem to be really great.


Awesome!! That all sounds great!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard