Good luck BM. Keep us up to date. I am glad your atty is confident. Just don't be surprised about the accusations your STBXW is willing to sling at you. I've heard some doosies over the years.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Tuesday S was acting up at the daycare, so they called W to come pick him up. Wed, W called the school to check up on him and he had a potty accident, so she brought him some pants. Thursday, the daycare told me that W came to the school and was crying that she hadn't seen him in a long time and wanted to take him out for lunch, and they told her not without a doctors note. Today, she made a doctors appt for S, picked him up, then took him back to the daycare.
Of course, W didn't tell me anything about it until afterward. I asked her what happened at the daycare the day before, she denied going there at all.
I asked her to send me pics of the paperwork from the dr visit, but she refused. I asked for the name of the dr so I could call and verify her story...she refused. I told her "I need the paperwork or the receipt now, this is your last chance." Of course I see where the wording was weird...she said "what are you threatening?" I said "I will notify my attorney." She still refused.
She texted me about an hour ago and said "sorry, I was busy at work. Did you see the dr note at the daycare?" I replied "we're in the middle of bedtime, I've already contacted my attorney. Goodnight." The attorney office was of course closed, but I did email screenshots of the conversation to them anyway.
When the WW is also NPD, it's even more wild than you might expect.
I think W finally realized that I DO have an atty. She's been awful agreeable over the last couple days regarding visitation and the upcoming holiday. We were able to agree to a Christmas week schedule that works for both of us (that does NOT exclude me from Christmas...or her, plus it gives S a chance to see her family as well and provides a balance.
The atty said if she does anything sketchy like not return S, then just call 911, then call her (the atty).
I'm thinking this is going to work out better than I expected. I'll probably still end up with 50/50 custody (unless W does something stupid), but with me as the main conservator.
Honestly, as long as I can guarantee that S is safe, that's the important thing. I'm pretty positive that W still wants to play her games...and that's fine. At least I have some legal backing now and can make sure she can't just mess up our S.
So far, still stressful...but getting better. S and I got some family Christmas pics done yesterday...just him and I. We had a good time. He's starting to get more comfortable with the fact that he lives with me, and I do make sure that I let him know that he's loved (by me and W). There's also a chance that she will be at our place Christmas morning to watch him open his gifts, which is good for S. And yes, I plan to record all of it.
Today W picked up S from the daycare to spend time with him...and somehow the 4 year old decided he wanted to go to the gym and sit in the childcare area while W worked out.
He came home all wound up.
And she's still playing WAY too nice to be trusted. I only said "hello" and "sounds like fun" during the whole time that she dropped S off earlier than expected because he was hungry and she said she didn't have anything at her house to cook that wouldn't make them late (of course, she took him out for fast food today, so...).
Since I said basically nothing to her in person, and since I just closed the door when S got inside and didn't say goodbye to her while she lingered waiting for it, she decided to text me.
I kept it simple and to the point.
I don't know if she's found out about my atty yet. But she's about to.
It's clear based on her texts that she's only trying to look good for the judge.
So, I know it's been a while since I've made an update. Mostly because I finally detached completely, got an attorney, and fired back. I felt that I just needed to step back and do the GAL thing to the best of my ability.
W hadn't been talking much to me. When she does, it's about S. I don't give her much fuel, I keep my answers simple, on track, and I stand my ground. I don't get nearly as emotional these days about the impending D.
But something has changed. Last night, W started apologizing.
She started actually accepting accountability for some things.
My response was basically (paraphrased): "You can say anything. I only trust actions."
She asked "why are we spending thousands of dollars on this to fight in court?" My response: "Because you started a war."
She wants to talk again.
She even said she wants to do marriage counseling. She brought it up.
I don't trust it. I know it's a trap. Honestly, it sounds like my attorney set her attorney straight on a LOT of things.
I don't plan to talk about R at this point. But she seems to be starting to seriously understand that she has some issues that she needs to work on. Of course, she said "we" when she talked about working on them. I said "I'm fine. YOU need to handle your issues. WE have S to raise, whether we're together or not."
She's got a LONG way to go before I would ever consider R with her. But the more I've dropped her, moved on, and GAL, the more she's starting to see what she needs to work on.
My D is still going forward. I'm only going to be willing to consider R if I see a LOT of improvement. I don't have any hope left for going back.
But maybe I'll consider going forward in the future. Who knows.
Keep up the DB. Seems like its working a little. As you said, actions not words. Consistent actions over periods of time are the true test, provided you even want to R.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
blackmac, not a surprise. And you are right to be wary. And you should continue to DB (as ST said) and you should continue moving forward with the D. She manipulated you once before, don't let it happen again.
If she is serious then she will be open to R even after the D. If it is just another attempt to get you to hold off until she can get her stuff together to try to get a better "deal" out of the D, then you will know when after the D she stops talking R.
You are in a good place sir! It has been a long journey, I remember when you were here freaking out, now you are a man in charge! YOU ARE A BOSS!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So W wanted to talk again last night. So when the time came for her to get off of work, she called me.
W: "Have you seen my glasses?"
M: "No, you had them when you left."
W: "Can you look?"
M: *looks* "They aren't here."
W: "Okay. I'll talk to you later."
M: "Did you still want to talk?"
W: "Nah. Have a good night."
M: "You too."
Maybe she just had a long day and didn't feel up to a serious conversation. Maybe she was just full of crap. I think it's a bit of both. I'm not going to push it, and I'm just going to let it go.
I hate to say it, but it still stings a bit that she'd act so...like she wanted to try to work things out, despite the fact that it's pretty much beyond repair at this point. I don't know. I'm detached for sure now. But it does still feel...almost insulting. Oh well.
I'm pretty sure she's just desperate for attention right now. But that's not my problem.
I'll update again when there's something to update.
But something has changed. Last night, W started apologizing.
She started actually accepting accountability for some things.
My response was basically (paraphrased): "You can say anything. I only trust actions."
She asked "why are we spending thousands of dollars on this to fight in court?" My response: "Because you started a war."
She wants to talk again.
She even said she wants to do marriage counseling. She brought it up.
I don't trust it. I know it's a trap. Honestly, it sounds like my attorney set her attorney straight on a LOT of things.
Quote
So W wanted to talk again last night. So when the time came for her to get off of work, she called me.
W: "Have you seen my glasses?"
M: "No, you had them when you left."
W: "Can you look?"
M: *looks* "They aren't here."
W: "Okay. I'll talk to you later."
M: "Did you still want to talk?"
W: "Nah. Have a good night."
M: "You too."
Maybe she just had a long day and didn't feel up to a serious conversation. Maybe she was just full of crap. I think it's a bit of both. I'm not going to push it, and I'm just going to let it go.
I hate to say it, but it still stings a bit that she'd act so...like she wanted to try to work things out, despite the fact that it's pretty much beyond repair at this point. I don't know. I'm detached for sure now. But it does still feel...almost insulting. Oh well.
Oh she's good. And by good, I mean temp checking.
You are right not to jump at her whistling in wind. This gal should have to work very hard to get you get back again. And remember, consistency is what you would need to see. Don't trust any sudden changes in her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So W and I ended up having a talk. There was a lot of stuff said. We tried to keep it fact based w/o emotions.
Long story short, she claims we stopped being intimate during the R because she was hurt because I turned her down once. I let her know why (it was a physical problem I was having that I didn't really talk to her about, which is my fault). She claims that she felt like she was relying too much on me for validation, and it just eventually made her resentful that I wasn't getting the help that she thought I needed.
She mentioned during that convo that if she were to come back, she'd never be able to talk to several of her friends again. That seemed to be her sticking point - losing face. I asked her point blank if I was worth it to her...she said "Our S is worth it, but I would be losing a lot."
She's still seeking validation, but not from me.
She had asked to see S yesterday and today for a few hours each day. She did yesterday. I haven't heard from her at all today.
She'd definitely being a bit more flirty when she's around me. She's not ready though, and neither am I.
Current plan: finish the D, then continue going on with my life.
And by good, I mean temp checking.