My H is one of the most loving, generous and open minded people I know. He is also the best father I could imagine for our kids. What I have learned on this journey is that anyone (even ourselves) is capable of things we never thought possible.
About 5 years ago I felt an increasing distance from my H. It was hard to understand what was happening because I was dealing with other hardships, including my ailing father. I remember sitting at the nursing home with my dad, trying to be present with him, he was so frail and paranoid, yet feeling guilty that I was distracted by what was going on at home. I just could sense something was off with my H and couldn't shake the feeling that he was developing a close friendship with our mutual friend. She was also someone I thought would never hurt or betray me. We started arguing about her and he steadfastly denied anything was going on.
Then my father died. My H was so loving and supportive; he always was. I had such a black cloud over me. Not long after that he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I hit rock bottom and did all the desperate things. He continued to mantain there was no affair, and even prooved more than once that he cut off any friendship with her outside of our circle. I knew in my mind neither one would do anything, but my gut just didn't feel right.
It wasn't long after that they were caught hanging out in a public place, a place far from us and that I would never go to. Our worlds blew up. At first he was drowning in guilt and promised to do anything. He told her no more contact and promised me he had wanted to tell me and end it. It had not been a PA, but it was an EA with kissing. I just couldn't handle what was happening and really fell apart. His distanace killed me. I continued to do all the wrong things. I would cry and beg or I would yell and accuse. His guilt and remorse was there, but his emotional distance was dreadful. I finally told him that if he wasn't 100% in this M then to get the h3ll out. .... and so he did. For 10 long months. And there she was, waiting to leave her family and do anything to have him. She told him everything he needed and wanted to hear.
My H is the last person I would have ever thought was capable of hurting me or doing anything so crazy. It still blows my mind when I think abuot it! He eventually realized he was making the biggest mistake of his life, dropped her, and came back. We've been working hard at it for almost 4 years. Piecing this M back together after that damage is the hardest thing I have ever done.
I can't go back and change how poorly I reacted or handled things post BD, but I wish I could. I was a mess and could not compose myself at all. So instead I post here.
Please listen to the advice if you can. These people are the best. We are all here for you!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
You found a great place. Take all of the advice and apply it. You are no longer making changes in yourself for your H. Everything you do from this point forward is for you. You need to get out of the mindset where you have expectations regarding your H behavior when you make changes in yourself.
Instead of thinking "if I do xxx will H do xxx?" You need to think "how will I benefit from changing xxx?"
Detach yourself. It's much harder than it sounds. The best way to do this is to GAL like mad. Keep yourself insanely busy. Go do things for yourself and with your child that you have always wanted to do.
Also, your H is wayward. He was messaging the OW because they are having an A. At minimum they are having an EA. Dont assume nothing has happened, assume that everything has happened. Stop snooping, stop trying to figure it out because all you will do is hurt yourself more.
You have received the gift of time to work on yourself. Everything you do moving forward is to better yourself period. Stop talking about R with H. Detach detach detach. You are not doing this to punish him or to get hos attention. Detaching is to protect yourself emotionally. This is a very long and hard journey. But once you accept that your relationship aka MR 1.0 is over, you will gain a new perspective.
Take note of your shortcomings and work on doing a 180 on those points. Make sure to eat and stay hydrated. The level of stress is going to be nothing you have ever experienced before in your life. You will feel worse at times than when you lost your mom and dad. Allow yourself to grieve. Do not show any other emotion besides contentment and happiness in front of H. If you get upset, dont hold it in, go for a walk and cry, yell, scream at the sky.
You got this. You will not die, you will get through this. Time to be the best version of yourself every minute of every day.
My sitch os very young, but I took the advice here and detached myself from my WW. I was extremely hurt and sad for months. Now I am content and happily moving forward with my life and making myself happy.
My biggest piece of advice is do NOT allow yourself to get sucked into temperature checks. You will make yourself feel horrible and you will be hurt and sad if you allow the temp checks to draw you in.
You are going to hear stuff from your H like "why dont you talk to me?" Or "how come you are always gone, or in your room?" Or "how come you dont pay attention to me? Where are you? Who are you with? Who are you talking to?
Don't let him give you false hope because it hurts badly. If you can detach lovingly do so, if not, as in my sitch, go no contact or minimal contact as much as possible.
Also, journal here as often as you can. If you have something you want to say to H or ask him, ask here first for direction on how to approach it or if you should at all.
DB works. It works 100% on healing yourself and bettering yourself.
M:16 T:21 H(me) 38 WW: 38 S11 D16 D19 Red Flags of A: March 2018 ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018 Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018 BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018 D Filed: March 27, 2019
They will lie. They will admit to 1 or 2 level below what is truly going on.
"We only kissed" = "we have done more than kissing"
"We are just friends" = "We are more than friends"
Your response to these statements:
W:"H, stop. We both know you are lying. When you are ready to tell the truth, I will listen. "
The hard part with this is you do not have the intel on what the truth is. The best part of this is you are not revealing what you know, but that you do know.
Learn as much as you can about reading body language and other ques about deceptive behavior.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I haven't been back on for a few months. I've been seeing if things improve and trying to get me back. I've been seeing my own therapist, as is DH and I am looking at a career change and beginning classes next month. DH is still the same, if not worse. He threatens to leave and doesn't. He admitted last week to an emotional affair and an attraction to her. No physical affair, and I do believe that for now. I have never felt so alone and helpless. It's like he had a mental breakdown. And we have a family trip planned - I figured I'll see how he is and make the decision after. Has anyone held on to see their spouse come thru and fight their marriage? I'm so hurt by him but would be willing to make it work. He refuses couples counseling for now.
