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SBJ, I am right there with you! I think our timelines are very similar, and I guess we are both in Texas. Howdy, neighbor!
I think the holidays get to all of us in this regard, but reading your post sounded like you were describing how I felt. In the months leading up to the holidays I had gotten to a point that I was rather indifferent to my W. I thought I had finally began moving on. Then, with the holidays and family around, I really started to feel the separation again. I realized that my indifference had a lot to do with not seeing W. But, we spent time together with family over the Christmas holiday and lots of emotions that I didn't realize were still there got stirred up again. I bet its the same for you. Really made my head spin.
Because I am feeling much like you, I'm not sure I can give you any 2x4s. I may need the same so I'll share whatever 2x4s are swung your way! lol
I think we both know the drill. No expectations, focus on yourself and your kids, and live life as if...
We've got this! Hope your New Years is an amazing one!!
Did you ever go to my friend's restaurant? I think you should talk to her about your feelings. She will have some sage Christian wisdom for you for sure. She always gets my head on straight, and not with the DB 2 x 4's but the Christ ones.
I think it is very normal and natural for you to have those feelings, and I think it is beautiful. One flesh ripped in two HURTS.
My catechist always tells me not to fear suffering. You will find God there. Of course you are suffering this time of year -- especially if you open yourself to the suffering of being around the family. Is it better to avoid them and be alone and deny the kids the chance to be with you both? NO! But it will hurt your heart to do the best thing for others. That's what God did too. It is wrong of your wife to ask you to watch the kids. It is wrong of her to leave you in the first place. It is wrong for her to lead her own life and to make you wonder who she is with by asking you to watch the kids while she is gone. It hurts you, of course. It can drive you mad with hurting. But you will find God in meeting that suffering with His help. Don't be afraid of it, go to it! God will help you there. He can't help you when you avoid suffering, only when you trust Him. First, be grateful for more time with your kids while she is gone. Thank god that it is you who is there and healthy and loving to be there for them. Then --Feel the wound, accept that it is real and it is not your fault or something you can control, and then ask God to heal it. And wait on Him, He will do it.
Last edited by Gerda; 12/29/1802:07 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: From the other side (#10)
#2830724 01/02/1906:25 PM01/02/1906:25 PM
And thank YOU for stopping by my thread. You are right about the holidays. I too believe in miracles, and my W did show a little more feeling over the course of them...but I think that now that the holidays have passed that things will slip back to the way they have been. Really a head scratcher...my head is just now slowing down from the spin of the holiday.
I'm in DFW, specifically Fort Worth. Next time you are in Dallas drop me a line. Would love to grab a drink. My son has a volleyball tournament in Katy this coming weekend, but we agreed that W would take him.
Hey guys, thanks for the positive vibes this new year. First 7 days was OK with nothing new, then I was asked to add some extra days to my allotted child caring days because the ex was going to be out of town. I have tried to drop the rope time and time again so I resisted the urge to know where or with who.
Have you ever spoken to people and totally felt like they were not telling you something on purpose...well that was the case with my children as well as my MIL. It's like they were avoiding talking about the elephant in the room. It made for a very long week. I asked the MIL about the clothes that my youngest was suppose to have and she said that the w had left them in her car. I asked where and I would go get it and her response was hesitant and said...at her "friends" house. I get that people try to keep people from getting hurt, but the secrecy is driving me crazy.
I then spoke to a friend of ours that is a therapist just to get it off of my chest and her response was...I need a sugar daddy to take me places too. I cut that conversation short needless to say. I won't be talking to her any longer. There are some things that just shouldn't be joked about.
Last weekend I lost a friend that lost his battle with cancer. 6 years younger than me with 2 beautiful daughters and a wife who is a rock. It is awesome to see a couple that loved each other as much as they did and battled this crappy disease together. They are the definition of what love and marriage is. It makes me re-evaluate my marriage. While I know that I would take care of my w had that occurred with us, I can't help but wonder if she'd have run from that too.
Anyway...just had to get some crap off of my chest and out of my head. I pray that you all have a great weekend.
sjohn, I will be up in DFW area (Irving/Los Colinas) the weekend after Valentine's Day. My father is having a procedure done and I am heading up to make sure he is ok right after. I will head up late Wed. Not sure how long I'm staying, but maybe we could grab a drink or 6.
Me 46 W43 T25 M22 S19 D14 S10 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Re: From the other side (#10)
#2832454 01/11/1909:43 PM01/11/1909:43 PM
I know what you mean about the awkwardness regarding the elephant in the room in conversation. I HATE that! It sounds like you handled it well though.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is an ugly beast. I can also sympathize regarding your feelings towards their marriage. I often feel that way myself. My sister and her husband fight about stupid stuff all the time. Recently they had a fight that was a lot of yelling and they even broke some stuff in the house that needed to be repaired. Then the next day they were all lovey with each other and apologizing to each other. I was gad they were able to make up with each other, but on the other hand I can't help but think how I would have never treated my W that way...how is it they can make up after physically breaking things and yelling obscenities at each other, yet I am unable to work through whatever it is that has plagued my marriage? I have always worked hard to be a good H...but I have to remind myself that it doesn't actually have anything to do with me.
I'd love to meet up for a drink or several. Not sure about my availability, but hit me up if you have time. I'll actually be in Houston Feb 2-3 if you are anywhere close.
SBJ... don't mean to hijack your thread but something in John's post really resonated with me.
John... my sister's marriage is like that two (minus the broken stuff). When she and her H got married, I gave it a year because they bicker at each other a lot. It will be 24 years this July. My H and I rarely argued about anything so I mistakenly thought that that was a good thing. I have come to realize after all of this that it was, in fact, the opposite. My H is EXTREMELY conflict avoidant. On the outside, he looks like his is fine but on the inside, he could be seething and you would never know it...at least you wouldn't if you were in an R with him. My H has apparently been angry at me for years over various things, most of which I have no memory of. In my MR, if I was upset about something, I would tell him or I would decide whatever it was wasn't worth the conflict and I would let it go. My H, on the other hand, never confronted me on anything AND he also never let anything go. He would just add it to his bag of resentments and use it to justify his eventual decision to leave. In our original BD (2014), he actually told me about some of the things that he was mad about. Some of those things had happened eight years before and I could not even remember what he was talking about. Pretty hard to defend yourself if you have no memory of the offense. Anyway...if I am ever in another longterm R with anyone, I will remember this experience and make sure I check in with my partner often and not always take "fine" or "it's nothing" for an answer.
Me 51 H 45 B/G Twins 11 SD19
Together 14 years Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014 BD2 - September 14, 2018
Re: From the other side (#10)
#2832461 01/11/1910:09 PM01/11/1910:09 PM
Oh my, DejaVu...that is me and Ws relationship too! We never argued and I always spoke up about whatever issue I might have and she never did. The difference is that even now she isn't bringing up anything from years ago. Her only reasoning for leaving is that we grew apart over the last couple years. She says I am a good dad, a good man, helped around the house, attractive, blah blah blah. I too will remember the dynamic for future relationships.
Oh...and my name is actually Sam. the username is more to do with my last name. I really don't care about anonymity here. Never said anything here that I wouldn't tell W directly.
More hijacking... Nice to meet you Sam. I've explained my sitch so explicitly that anyone who knows me who happens onto this site would know it was me anyway so I don't really care about it either. I'm Michelle.
"Growing apart" is what happens to people when they don't communicate effectively with one another. One of the YouTube videos I watched said that in order to stop that from happening, a couple has to spend AT LEAST 90 minutes a week talking with one another about their life together...mutual goals, things they would like to do together, where they want to be in five years, etc... basically making sure they connect and keep heading in the same direction. The other thing they need to do is go on at least one "date" a week. He said two would be preferable but at least one. My H and I failed miserably in that department once our twins arrived. We'd be lucky if we talked 90 minutes a month about that stuff and honestly we probably went on one or two "dates" a year. It was just ALL about our kids for YEARS. In hindsight, we could not have set ourselves up for this break-up any better than we did. Wish I had watched that video ten years ago...lol.