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#2831332 01/05/19 06:30 PM
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Twofeet Offline OP
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Old thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2827673&page=11

As AnotherStander said at the end of the last thread "I think it's probably upsetting you because you were still clinging to the notion that maybe somewhere down deep she still loves you and wants to be with you and that this is all just a bad dream that'll wash away with the morning light." Yes, this is true even now at this moment. A little piece of me hopes it's all a bad dream. It not my personality type to let go or give up, I see it as failure and quitting. W would sometimes say to me you always get what you want. I would say yes because I stand up and fight for what I want, I put in the backbreaking work to get what I want, nothing I want in life was ever handed to me. Unfortunately, this may be one of the few exceptions I will experience I won't get what I want and hard work won't make a difference. It does feel like utter failure. However, I did win the lottery 3 times over with the kids I have. Sometimes I wish there could have been a 4th, but then in all likelihood I wouldn't be here and I would probably be a widower instead. Weird thought.

AS if I had to guess I would say I am rolling into stage 5.

Again,

She probably just is pushing to get me to sign asap so she can move on in her affair without feeling guilty. Like you said there is still a chain attached to my side of the fence. When I dropped the kids off yesterday at her house S3 was upset and didn't want me to leave. He told W, I don't like you mommy go away. W said he does that all the time. I said oh really, this is the first time I am seeing it. S3 was clinging to me like glue so she said I could stay and hold S3 on the bench till he was ready for me to go (I am not sitting on OM furniture). I held S3 then W pushed me about signing again. I said I wasn't taking the kids to the L office. She made up some fantasy where she thought I told her my parents were going to watch the kids so I would have it signed by now. I told her no as I told you before it will be signed early next week after I drop the kids off at school. This pissed her off so she kindly kicked me out off the house before S3 was ready. I put up no fight stayed cordial and left. No rollercoaster ride on that one, just annoyed with her.

Last edited by Twofeet; 01/05/19 06:36 PM.

H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Twofeet Offline OP
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Oh and I found a comment under a blog about MLC that I want to share.

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MLC is very real. I had it happen to me. When I found a network of men (over 1200) who all had it happen to them, I found an uncanny similarity to their ex’s and mine, down to the things they said. It was like a textbook and all of these women followed it precisely. PRECISELY!

I did much research on MLC and found very simply that it occurs in people who think people outside of themselves make them happy. It comes from a childhood where the world is taken care of for you. Where you are emotionally immature and unsophisticated. You are taught that life is about performance but given nothing inside as resources to deal with life. It has little to do with hormones but does have a lot to do with a certain type of childhood as the foundation (I’ve interviewed hundreds of other men and all our ex’s are exactly the same upbringing) and a sudden change in life later in life (death of close relative, major move, etc) between the ages of 35-42 and 48-53. That change brings about a boredom. But keep in mind that these people live a life where they are easily bored, don’t express their true needs, and are all very codependent. Those that “stand” for them are also very codependent as the utter crap thrown at you when these people think they have met the man of their dreams is unbelievable.


And later he said

Quote
I have written quite a bit on various MLC sites on the subject of MLC having done extensive research. I don’t call it a disease. Rather I call it a conditioning. We all wake up one day and wonder what happened to us. How did we waste our lives. What can we use as a crutch to get us to “feel” better. For some it’s a sports car. A motorcycle. Others an affair. Those that can’t work out that this point in life (midlife transition) is about us and only we can fix have a crisis. Everyone has a mid-life transition. Only a certain type have a crisis. As I said, you have to be emotionally immature and unsophisticated to go down that path of crisis.

I remember the day I woke up and suddenly thought I had wasted my life. I somehow thought a motorcycle was going to make me happier. I eventually talked myself out of it and found happiness again. most of us do. Who doesn’t get to point of wanting to leave their spouse.

Life is a cycle. We all remember how good it felt that first time around with our spouses. How tickley feeling felt inside. Eventually that goes away. That is natural part of a relationship. And we cycle from lows to highs for the rest of it. It’s the immature who don’t see that it’s about them when the bad times come to be. Rather they reason in their mind this way:

You don’t make me happy anymore. We used to be happy, but I don’t get that from you anymore. He makes me happy. He gives me that feeling we used to have. So if he makes me happy and you don’t it must be our relationship…

And to that I say, no, it’s you. I can’t make you happy. Only you can.......
Sorry, there is no mystery to MLC. Only terrible hurt and pain as a person destroys their family due to selfishness.


In another post he says

Quote
You seem to think only men go through this. Just as many women do it. It is a product of our society but not limited to the US. I attribute it to one key factor, a person who is emotionally immature and unsophisticated, traits that started in childhood.

In the thousands of first hand stories I’ve read (yes thousands) I found one of two situations where women do it. First is where they are in a relationship that started in the very early years of their life. These “teen brides” hit a wall after getting older and since they have no worldly experience when the “I’m in love” moment comes around with another guy they look at their “old” relationship and say wait a minute, he makes me happy but you don’t, so it must be YOU! Of course no one can make you happy. You have to find the happiness in yourself and the world.


The second sitch I didn't post because it didn't apply to me it was more towards a NGS person marrying a fixer upper.

Anyway his description or 1st scenario type of a mlc strongly resembles my sitch. I just didn't think a 35 y/o woman could through a mlc, but in retrospect the signs were there whether you call it a mlc or not. Like I said this is pretty on point to my sitch. Especially, the taken care of part in my W childhood and extending into our MR.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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TF

I have always been fascinated with how people who come here characterize their situations. IMO the vast majority of people who come here spouses show signs of MLC. I know I once took a test online to find out if you are having a MLC and answering how my ex would and she scored like 90% she was having a MLC. Hanging out with younger friends, plastic surgery etc.

I have seen people come on here and suggest that their 27 year old spouse is going through MLC???? I have come to think that if they can label it makes them feel better. I think for some it is even a way to excuse ther spouses behavior.

I've come to realize that MLC, WW, WAW its all the same. A grown adult making a conscious decision to walk away from a marriage knowing full well it is logically not what they are supposed to do unless obviously abuse, addiction etc. are involved.

Just wanted your take. I assume you believe your W is going through a MLC. Does that make you feel better, or worse about your situation?

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LH,

I don't think my W is necessarily in a MLC. I mean there were signs and things she said that might indicate that. From what I can gather it seems like the difference between MLC and WS is that IF they come back at all the WS might be more likely to comeback sooner. My IC who used to see W before W declared herself "healed" doesn't call it MLC. She says W has just regressed to a point in life she feels she missed out on. There is some definite immaturity on W part. In those texts I saw to OM it was like a teenager talking. That in itself blew me away.

I just posted that gentleman's comments because in his search for answers he kept finding a scenario that plays fiddle to my sitch. It gives me comfort to know that this is a common theme, and I am not some PoS that caused this. Anyway, W was my only GF, she had 1 BF before me, but that was like at 14 or 15 and not much substance. Her life was very taken cared of and some of that extended into our MR. Hell when I asked her parents permission to M her father warned me that she was spoiled and that was something I would have to contend with. As he jokingly put it he had a no return policy.

What I do know is that my W has been chasing happiness pretty hard for a while now. Probably since D5 maybe it started as early as after D8. I have been riding that MR ride for a while now and it hasn't been easy. It has made me despise the happy wife happy life mantra. For me it has been happy wife, is happy wife until wife needs to find the next thing to make her happy. Now don't get me wrong I think we had a pretty good MR and we got along great despite our headstrong personalities. However, my own faults and flaws in the MR didn't help our sitch, but I am not sure that it even makes a difference other than to be perfect would only delay the inevitable. Happiness comes from within not from, things, places, or AP.

So WS or MLC? I am not sure it matters what title you throw on it. She left to seek her happiness in a new life, in a AP, and at the expense of our kids/family/MR.

Last edited by Twofeet; 01/06/19 02:23 PM.

H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Twofeet Offline OP
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Can anyone give me the details I need for a divorce/custody diary? I was told today I am kind of doing it wrong.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Originally Posted by Twofeet
Can anyone give me the details I need for a divorce/custody diary? I was told today I am kind of doing it wrong.


I just did a search on DuckDuckGo for "divorce/custody diary". Looked like good info.


Do you believe W will challenge custody?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Twofeet Offline OP
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I don't forsee her challenging custody. I wouldn't be surprised if the kids go from 50/50 to spending more time with me. It's mostly in case I need to challenge her for custody. I hope I never have to go down that road, but I also never thought W would D me. I have just heard too many horror stories. I just hope for the best and prepare for the worst.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
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Twofeet Offline OP
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I should say the the plan is 50/50 but since she left in early November it's been closer to 60/40 with me having them 60% of the time. I'm okay with that and I wouldn't challenge for something like that. Its mostly just in case things get toxic. She is loopy and has already done some things that are subpar parenting. It's nothing that that needs a legal challenge as of yet.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Joined: Sep 2018
Posts: 621
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Twofeet Offline OP
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Well today was D-day. She handed me the hammer and the nails and basically said its now your turn to put the final nails in the coffin of the MR. I went down to the mediator/lawyers office to review (cause W forgot to when she signed), and sign the decree. I looked at the paralegal and said " that's it?" She said "yep that is it." We looked at each other shrugged our shoulders and I left and went back to work. In 7 to 10 business days it will be official. I will be civilly divorced, but in the eyes of my religious faith/church/God I will not be divorced... Ugg.

I didn't get one of those weight off my chest relief feelings like I have read on here. I failed to DB my MR and just kind of feel bummed and down. I feel like a failure even though I probably shouldn't. I called and let my folks know it was done and my Mom kept saying well TF from here on out its only going to get better. To which I responded well I hope the better hurries up, I could use some more better right about now.

W lit my phone up this morning wanting to know if I went down to sign. I pissed me off and I wanted to give her a piece of my mind, but I didn't. She didn't get any response. Its just not worth my time. I am not bitter, I am okay, I will be okay, I am just extremely disappointed.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
Joined: Jul 2018
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TF,

Sorry to hear but glad you didn’t have the sudden realization that you are now divorced. I can only pray mine can get to that point without it being a bloodbath...


Me - 38 W-37
S6
M 10 years T 13yrs
BD 3/18
W moves out 4/18
W files 7/18

Never waste a good crisis
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