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Hi all,

I thought it might be useful to post this, as it's a true story of a fWW i know and her AP.

The AP was actually one of my closest friends from College. He is currently 34, fWW is now 33.

This story started back in 2013, when my friend the AP, let's call him (Jack) was working with the fWW, Let's call her (Jill).

Jill was going out with her DH of almost 7 years and had moved to my country to start a new life. They had only been married a year, however as the year progressed Jill wasn't happy with her marriage. At the time she never really explained or understood why, maybe she got married too young, maybe she got married due to pressure from her family.

When Jack had started this new job in 2012, he was single and hadn't dated anyone in 2 years. He came from a broken family, where his own mother a WW, had had an affair when he was only 13 and left her BXH then for her AP. Jacks family was torn in two, as his mother and father battled it out in court. His father was devastated and Jack remembered one day coming back from school, seeing his father on the floor of the living room, crying as he tore up the wedding photo album. Jack came from a big family but stayed with his father. Jack had a troubled time during his teens and 20s and even tried to commit suicide in College. He was depressed from what his mother had done and did drugs and alcohol to compensate. Eventually, he turned his life around, finished college and began working. He met different types of girls, as he was attractive and charming. The women liked him, as he was flirty and had a gsoh.

The type of girls he dated, we as his friends used to like calling "A Hot Mess". They were very clingy and paranoid and distrusting of Jack being friends with any other women. All these relationships ended until Jack one day met Jill.

Jill came from a traditional family, where they believed in marriage and family. She had been going out with her DH for almost 7 years, where he proposed and they got married. They had no kids yet. She was in her late 20's, however, life hadn't turned out the way she planned. She wanted more and thought that perhaps, there was more to life than going the "normal path" of schoo l> college > marry > kids >.....Guys found her attractive, she welcomed that flirtation, however was loyal to DH.

Jill was ambitious, attractive and intelligent. She was doing well in her career and thought if she could keep succeeding she could reach the top. She wasn't happy with her "Traditional" relationship, however, she plowed along as she felt it was the right thing to do.

So Jack and Jill were colleagues, at the start Jack found her to be very attractive but knew she was married and didn't want to cross any boundaries. As time went by, he would send her a funny email's and IM's about work, or their colleagues. Jill began to feel attraction for Jack and vice versa.

Even though she was married only a year, Jill was finding her DH less and less attractive, compared to the young ambitious Jack, who she knew worked hard and was charming. He cheered her up and felt he understood her. Eventually, she told Jack she wasn't happy in her M and she liked him.

Jack was leaving the job and country in a few weeks, to move across the world for a new start.

All Jack's friends had a goodbye party for him, that night Jill also wanted to say goodbye. She kissed Jack....Both felt it was wrong and right, however, Jack was moving away...

Jill didn't want this, so she emailed and messaged Jack that she loved him, that she couldn't live without him, she wanted to be with him forever and her M was over...

Jack already had moved to another county and was setting himself up, however, this appeal was too strong. His older brother was living in this country and was helping Jack get setup. Jack's brother and his DW had just had a very unfortunate loss of their little baby. Jack's brother needed the support, however, Jill wanted Jack.

Jack reasoned with his older brother that he was in love with this WW Jill. They were destined to be with each other, how he never felt like this about anyone before. Jack's brother warned him that it was dangerous getting involved with a WW, how she could break his heart.... Jack didn't listen. His brother needed him, but jack reasoned "He'll be ok. Jill needs me".

So Jack returned to his country, 6 weeks after saying goodbye. A week later Jack and Jill moved into an apartment together. She had made the decision to leave her BH and wanted Jack.

The BH was broken. His W of a year, who he loved for over 7 years had left him coldly for another man. He begged, pleaded and spoke with her family and friends, none of them could help. She was gone. He messaged Jack on FB, however, Jack ignored him... He didn't care about the BH, all he wanted was Jill.

Within a few weeks, Jack and Jill's apartment was COVERED with couple photos of the two (after only a few weeks). (I remember this, it was creepy). They wanted to show everyone how happy they were and how much they loved each other. You see, they were meant to be. They played happy couple, cooking, wanting to meet up now with their friends and introduce their relationship. However, all wasn't right. Jack's friend's warned him to be careful, however, Jack didn't care. He KNEW this love would last forever.

A few weeks later, Jack returned back from the gym one Saturday morning, to find a note on the table.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.. Goodbye Jack"

Jill had gone back to her DH.

Jack was devastated, called his close friends (Including Manta). We got drunk and said forget about her. He cried and said he was going to move on...

Jill moved back to the apartment the next Monday after 2 days with her BH.

When as friends we asked Jill why she left her BH, she would say "It wasn't working out".. She said very little about him. It wasn't comfortable for her.. Jack never asked either.

Jack was so happy, he asked no questions and welcomed her back and held on in desperation. Jill apologized and said she loved him. It was all Jack wanted to hear.

So the time went by in their relationship.

6 Months.... 12 Months... (WW never filed for Divorce, neither did BH, no separation agreement either) BH detached, GAL and went dark.

Jack felt that he and Jill were really maturing as a couple, however, Jill wasn't feeling the same. She would criticize Jack and internally compare him to her BH. She would say to other's, "Do you think Jack is mature". Her family had only met Jack once, where it was pretty formal..As he didn't speak their language, it was tough.

Jack wanted to be accepted and started trying to learn WW's Jill's language (Polish). Jack's family wasn't sure about Jill, as they didn't trust her. They saw what happened with their parents, so they knew that cheating was wrong... But for Jack's sake, they put up with her.

His friends noticed a change in him too. No longer was he the life and soul of the party, he was now trying to be quiet, mature and refined and spoke differently to his friends. Friends didn't see him and Jill, as they both worked together, came home and just lived with each other. Jack had big plans, getting married, kids and also may be buying a house... Jill at this time was on board, however, a change was a coming...

When they went to weddings as a couple, Jack and Jill acted the part, however, Jill looked uncomfortable. I noticed little things like during photos Jill would tell Jack to stand on his tippy toes when standing next to his friends... He was a little short... Most of us saw that they looked happy, but it looked forced.


About 1.5 - 2 years later, Jill's back was very sore. She needed to get a back operation, so she decided that getting this treatment in her own country, would be better and cheaper. So she went home on her own, left Jack and said she'll be gone 6-8 weeks and return after her recovery ... Jack stayed in his own country, minded his job and also the apartment. They messaged, phoned etc. He visited her once during this period ... Something was up. After the 2 months had passed, Jill said she was staying longer in her home, as she missed it so much and wanted to spend time with her family. Jack understood, however, it was bothering him. Something was up.

Jill was acting differently now. Something was different. Finally, on the day when she was meant to fly home to Jack, she told him she wasn't coming back. She wanted to stay with her family. She missed them and her old life.

Jack asked should he move over, she never replied or offered that.

Jack was devastated... Weeks passed, he was sad, depressed and missed her. He knew Jill had all her stuff in the old apartment, so she would have to return. So almost 4-5 months after leaving, she returned collected her stuff, they cried, had sex for the last time and she left him. He begged, pleaded and told her he would do anything, but Jill was finished. It was over.

Jack was alone, depressed, sad and miserable. He didn't spend time with his old mates, as he alienated them during the A. He lived on his own, hoping Jill would return. She wouldn't. They messaged occasionally. She apologized but said she was happy now.

Months later, Jack found out Jill went back to her BH. In fact, even worse for Jack... Jill was pregnant!!!!

Jill still didn't look happy, she would still message Jack, however, she had a child now. She was back in her marriage. But she never ever came back to Jack.

It's now 2019. Jack had over 3.5 years of being sad, feeling humiliated and hoped Jill would return. Eventually, he moved on. Jill occasionally looks him up on Instagram, but he ignores I including her messages. He now has a new GF, (Not married, no Cheating involved!) He adores her and is happy. He is back to his old self. He doesn't think about Jill anymore and is over her. He hasn't forgotten the pain though...

He knows my situation and feels awful for me. I have asked him a lot of questions, as it was very valuable to get the insight of a person in an Affair with a WW. He said, on reflection, he would never ever do it again. It was a waste of time, energy and he was always looking over his shoulder. He never felt comfortable. He believes there was a love there but looking back was it real? He had to go through almost 3 years of sadness post breakdown of his A with Jill to get back to a normal place. He said during the A, he didn't care or think about BH. He knew it was wrong, but "it felt right at the time". He said his family never trusted her, but were polite. Jill's family never really accepted him either. We told him we all disagreed with what he was doing with Jill during the A, however as friends we did tell him, but it was up to him. He said he was happy. He knows that we did lose respect for him and he felt a lot of shame and guilt afterward. But he is our mate, we do love him and people do make bad decisions. He was a different person during that time. He is now back to his old self.


Jill is back in her M. She has a child with her DH. We haven't seen her in years. Who knows if she is happy or not. BH took her back. I wonder though did BH use the 180's, GAL and put up boundaries when she returned. Nobody knows, but this is a true story. I don't know much about the BH or Jill's family, I can only speak for my friend Jack.

No matter how bad things are for us, remember it's not always roses in the garden with the cheating couple. It's up to us what we do with the time we are given.





Last edited by Manta; 01/02/19 06:00 PM.

BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
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1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
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Great post. I've seen affairs. And while I know of a couple of instances where the APs married and lived happily ever after, as you point out the vast majority of affairs end badly for one or both APs. The majority of affairs involve two married people and one of the two is usually unwilling, for a variety of reasons, to leave their marriage.

Another anti-D expert is fond of saying "A plant planted in rotten soil will rarely survive, sprout and thrive."


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Great post. I've seen affairs. And while I know of a couple of instances where the APs married and lived happily ever after, as you point out the vast majority of affairs end badly for one or both APs. The majority of affairs involve two married people and one of the two is usually unwilling, for a variety of reasons, to leave their marriage.

Another anti-D expert is fond of saying "A plant planted in rotten soil will rarely survive, sprout and thrive."



True Steve. I think especially where an affair is born out of two people cheating on their partners, then the big white elephant in the room will always be " Well, don't mention the whole cheating thing for now .....but you wouldn't cheat on me right!?"

It's sad knowing that those who jump into these very selfish decision's, don't realize the very small chance that their affair wont make it. The convince themselves they're soulmates etc. But 9/10, it's just bull and brain chemicals gone crazy. They usually end one way or the other.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
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1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
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(Un)fortunately the end of the A doesn’t always mean much for the previous M(s)


H: 35 W: 33
M: 11 T: 13

4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1")
6/23/18: I moved out
8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
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OMG, I just knew you were going to say that Jill contacted Jack later to say that it was his child!!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted by sandi2
OMG, I just knew you were going to say that Jill contacted Jack later to say that it was his child!!


It wasn't though Sandi? It's BH's child. At least i think so...

I don't think Jill is happy, maybe she went back to BH out of guilt and didn't like the decision she made. She kept in contact with Jack for a while after, but never returned. I don't think Jack wants her back any more. He sees it for the selfish mess it was. He has moved on.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
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1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
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WW & AP: EA & PA since June 2018 (Moved country and in with AP Feb 2019)
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The whole concept of an affair is pure carelessness, teenage wanna-feel-like, SELFISH by all means and destructive PURE NONSENSE. I understand that as humans we have feelings and wants and SOME are automatically attracted to whoever is available to provide what they feel they “need” to live.

Wake up call for you all AP's, WW's WH's and BS……

WE DON’T need anyone to make us feel complete….that is something you have to understand. All the suffering that is going around is all based on the belief that you NEED another person to feel whole…. why is that?

In other words, you have litteraly placed you future in the hands of another person who is as or more confused then yourself to dictate your level of happiness.

I can’t think of another reason then this being the most pathetic cycle a person allows themselves to get tangled in.

STOP…..

BS… if your spouse says he/she “loves” the AP and can’t let them go…..do yourself a favor… don’t bother trying to convince your spouse or the world as to why the cheater should stay with you….. let your spouse go to their AP…. let the AP deal with his tamtrums once the high of the affair wears off. This is what i have done.

See, reality will kick in and guess what?…. yep! ….. realife situations will now creep in their illicit “relationnship”.

BS, stand back, heal on your own (like real women and men with self respect do instead of leaching on to whoever is weak enough to get manipulated) and while you are embarked your journey to wholeness and healing…. you will discover a secret that none of the two “love birds” have no clue about, which is, the gift of knowing that happiness, love, respect, admiration, pure honesty starts within and anpartner is just someone you wnat to share that with not a person who you “NEED”.

You will learn that any type attachment that only serves to satisfy your insecurities are toxic and you will run from such. This is what the AP and the WP are doing…. they are addicted to someone they percieve is the cure for their deepest insecurities. They are too weak to self reflect and find themselves… they prefer to run and hide from their pain and USE the A as that cover up. This is what my WW has done.

Its a matter of time for all it to explode… but, while they were wasting their time playing hide and seek in a house made of quicksand, you, the BS have already built a building of self love, emotional maturity and boundries that your spouse will have a whole life time to pass through.

The WS will be let with three options:

1) stay with affair partner and forever stay stagnant/imprisoned within their inability to face themselves. The affair partner will live all their lives trying to bendsidways to please the WS, because they know deep down that if they fail, the WS will stray.

They need to prove to the whole world things were meant to be even if that means to fake it to the end.

2) leave the affair and face the consequences of all the pain and devestation of the illicit relationship..choose to work on the marriage. (Hardest option but best long term happiness)

3) or leave affair and divorce and do deep digging and self reflextion and mature or jump on the neck pity wagon (another temp relationship to cover the pain)

Whatever the outcome… one thing is for sure. A persons conscious is a powerful thing…. and no matter how deep one wants to bury a wrong doing…. it will fester and explode when you least expect it.

Doing whats right is not usually what feels right… but, that is aomething only an unselfish and emotionally mature person would understand. It is of no use to explain this to someone who is in denial.


BH: 36 WW:33
M: 2
Relationship: 6 years. Dday: Aug 2018
0
1st mention of D: 30/09, 2nd Mention 17/02/2019
LRT: Oct 2018
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"It wasn't though Sandi? It's BH's child. At least i think so..."

What I meant was that I thought she was going to manipulate Jack into believing the child was his, as a way of continuing her back & forth game between both men. And......she could try to use that trump card at a later time. So, I hope Jack is wise enough not to just accept her word as truth.


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Originally Posted by sandi2
"It wasn't though Sandi? It's BH's child. At least i think so..."

What I meant was that I thought she was going to manipulate Jack into believing the child was his, as a way of continuing her back & forth game between both men. And......she could try to use that trump card at a later time. So, I hope Jack is wise enough not to just accept her word as truth.




BAM.

DNA test.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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I feel sorry for Jill's H, because I suspect it's only a matter of time before she goes wayward again. Some women go through a wayward phase and others are just wired that way from day one. I think she's the latter, a serial cheater.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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