13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[SoTorn]

A bit of journaling:

So yesterday I went to the house after work. I picked up the kids, and we went for 2 hours of fun filled gymnastics and really had fun. The kids were really happy to see me (haven't seem them since saturday), but it wasn't over the top or anything, it was like picking them up after a day of work, and that calmed me and made me feel good about this, and what they have coming.

After gymnastics, we went to the house, WW had cooked dinner and I participated for the kids sake. She started a lot of small talk about work, things she had experienced and so on. I just smiled, nodded and listened, and talked with the kids without being rude in any way, it actually came pretty natural to me, which I reflected on later in the car. Hurt is moving forward slow and steady.

After dinner I sat on the couch with my kids under a duvet, and just enjoyed a moment of quietness. WW came in and said, that if I wanted to, I didn't have to wait until friday, but I could come again tomorrow - I smiled at her and said "Friday will be fine".

I made the kids ready for bed, and then kissed them goodnight, closed the door, packed my things and headed to my parents place.

I can feel how my emotional need to satisfy, get attention from, and try to mindread my WW is diminishing rapidly, and I think its genuine this time around. It is really hard to describe, but I would say it feels like, I am letting go of the the steering, and stepping out of the car. I dont panic about no longer steering, its actually calming for me. It probably doesn't make sense for the reader, but yea, I am in a good place right now.

I do not want to fool anyone reading this, who is just beginning their journey, or the veterans helping me out. I do, on a daily basis, have to use my stopsign technique to not get run over by emotions, but they last for, what is now maybe 10 seconds and then im over it in my head. When we had the IHS, the thoughts would stick with me for hours at a time.

I hope you all have a great day - I am going to go grab my new gift for my self today, a Callaway GBB Epic Sub Zero Driver for my Portugal trip .

I get it Hurt. I compare myself to skipping the roller coaster. I no longer allow my WW to affect my emotions. Fortunately, my WW is not nice to me like yours seems to be. My WW is hell bent on trying to smear me, find leverage and justify herself in any way possible. I just ignore her as much as I can.

I am glad that you are getting to this point. It is very hard to see getting to this point when you are new to all of this. I felt the same way on BD. I was so lost, sad and upset. I couldn't see anything else beyond trying to somehow win my WW back.

Now that time has progressed and I have been GAL like a mad man and consistently working on my 180s, I have realized just how important I am to myself, what I deserve and how to actually get what I deserve.

I am feeling kind of down this evening but it will pass. It always does. I am not pining for WW, but instead missing the family life that we had. Its all so different now and I am dreading the day when I move out solely because its going to hurt badly moving away from my kids and not seeing them but every other week.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So, just had a great day..

My son turns two today, and we had a great day, just tugged him and D5 in, and now relaxing on the couch, about to watch a movie.

So yesterday evening, WW came home, so she could be here when S woke this morning. Nothing wrong with that, she slept on the couch, and we had a good morning centered around giving S2 a great start to his birthday.

I made a fruit monkey for S2, so he had someting to hand out on his special day, and after opening presents and eating breakfast we took him to daycare.

I then took off for work, and worked my butt off so I could drive home early to pick up the kids, and just have a good relaxing afternoon, and play with them and S2s new toys.

WW arrived at the house after work, and we drove to a restaurant (she had asked if we could all eat together because of S2s birthday - I have learned so much from the episode with my own birthday, and I am a completely other place in my life now, so it was no big deal). The kids had a blast, and I would describe my state of mind as calm and relaxed, just enjoying seeing my kids being happy.

We drove home afterwards, and WW packed up and took off after having kissed the kids goodnight. I made lunchboxes for tomorrow, snuggled up with the kids and read them a story before tugging them in. It has been a good day.

So I had no expectations, therefore there was no reaction. I just really enjoyed the day because I saw how happy my kids were.

I did however get a good laugh in and here is why:

So basically 3 weeks ago, I had to go to a fitting at a nearby town for my new driver. This fitting was booked on the one day I also go to gymnastics with my kids, when WW has them. So on the day of the fitting, she asked me, if I or she would tug in the kids. I told her I had to be at the neighbor town shortly after, so she would have to do that. It was no problem

So fast forward 2 weeks, she has the kids again, and tuesday comes around. I go to gymnastic with the kids. She asks if I am gonna tug them in, however my friend invited me to go see a movie at the neighbor town, which I gladly accepted (GAL GAL GAL). So she would have to, since I had be in the neighbor town at 8 o'clock (no mention of what I am doing - not her business).

Then here is when it becomes rather funny - Yesterday when WW arrived to the house, I took off to the gym. When I came home at 22 o'clock I sent a snap to my buddies with a pop-up ice-cream and said "sooo worth the pain" . I then recieved a snap from WWs best friends boyfriend who happens to be a great mate of mine.. He said "who are you tapping in "neighbour town""??

I instantly knew, how he got the idea, and who told him... take a wild guess (lol). I didn't take the bait and didn't answer. Today at the restaurant, WW asked if it was okay if she came to the house and slept from thursday to friday because she couldn't stay at her moms for so long at a time, and she had no where to go...

so here I know I didn't do as I should...

right response: Im sorry to hear that, im sure you will figure it out...

my response: Yea thats fine, you can just take the kids from thursday instead then. <-- That was fine by her, and then... lol... she asked "are you gonna go to the neighbor town on thursday then??"

I just said: Thats a possibility.

I guess I saw an opportunity to get out of the house a day earlier (father of the year thought)... but yea, whatever, it was not trying to be a nice guy, it was, as written above to get some time for me - I guess thats also alright from time to time...


All in all, great day, I am happy, my kids are happy, and thats all that matters.

[LH19]

Keep it up buddy! No backsliding.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So another couple of days went by - I have been busy working, and enjoying time with my kids, and I have really found a great rhythm for everything from bedtime to making lunchboxes while entertaining S2 and talking with D5 - it is very giving for me, to be responsible for everything, and it shows me, what I missed out on when I was depressed and sick. I can see, how much I could have shared with my ex, however you can't undo the past, and I decide to live in the present, and by that make the best future for me and my kids as I can.

I left for my parents place today (agreed that WW could come a day earlier this week - explained it in my last post). So here I am, having just enjoyed a nice meal. Sitting in a lean chair and doing some journaling. I packed my bags yesterday, and had some clothes hung up to try, and this morning, I took that clothe and put it in my bags, and wouldn't you know it... S2 had packed his two cars, that he just got for his birthday in my bag, i love that little guy so much....

I left a note, describing what the kids had experienced (daycare field trip for daughter), and then I took off. Life is really easy like this, when I do not spend daily life with ex, it makes it alright when I do see her - makes sense?

Its funny how it had to get to this point, but I have not been happier about myself in a very long time. I think it shows, because at the same time, my ex has upped her contact by a lot. She texts, tries to call and asks questions that I do not need to answer on a daily basis. She is very courteous, writing in a very formal detached way, and tries to keep it upbeat by adding a ton of emojis to everything she texts. Its fine, I dont really pay much attention towards it anymore, but in the beginning I had an idea that every emoji was pressed because it ment something deeper, how mentally was I.... - basically just scan the textfield these days, and unless its kids or finances, I delete the message.

Next week is winter holidays in my country, and she asked if I wanted to come with the kids to an activity park (trampoline graves and stuff) because with S2 it would be hard as a single parent to go and there would be a lot d5 could not try out then. I accepted the invitation, but because it gives me an opportunity to be together with my kids, and have a good time. I have gotten to the point, where I can be around my WW without emotions overflow my system, and I have a logical approach - I like that my brain no longer looks for clues to why and what, but holy cow the journey has been long.

So tomorrow I am going out with some friends. WWs best friend will most likely bump into me(she parties mostly every weekend), she texted me yesterday and asked who I was banging in the neighbor town - again I didn't engage in that conversation. And wouldn't you know it, I got a snap from my ex just hours later about some clothes shopping for the kids, and that snap was from said friends apartment... Nosy people .

So.. Life is good, I am better, mentally and physically than ever before, and I can say for the first time in as long as I can remember, that I am happy about my future, and I will be allright.

[LH19]

H,

I'm gong to call BS. There's a lot of cake eating and mind reading in your post. I think you are trying to convince us that you're detached when it's only been a month since your birthday melt down.

Am I wrong? If so this would be one of the fastest turn arounds I have seen to date.

[DejaVu6]

I don’t think it is a “turnaround”... it is just another step. I can totally relate Hurt. Most of the time, I am okay. Lack of contact with my H helps at this stage but I am looking forward to the day when no contact or some contact is irrelevant to my emotional stability. The sign of true detachment. I think feeling better with no contact is the next step toward feeling better with contact. I don’t think there are hard and fast rules for the R you have with your “ex” when you have kids together. A good relationship can only help the kids and a bad relationship will ultimately be stressful and uncomfortable for them. I was unable to stop my kids from experiencing divorce of their parents but I can stop them from being irreparably damaged by it.

Keep up the hard work. (((HUGS)))

[AnotherStander]

Hurt, that was a great post, keep it up! LH may be right that there is a little denial or wishful thinking going on, so try to be mindful of that and watch for backslides. I mention this story about my sitch now and then but a few months after BD and after S I was feeling awesome and doing great (or so I thought) when seemingly out of nowhere I was slammed with severe depression and anxiety attacks. Within the span of a few days I went from feeling on top of the world to trying to dream up painless ways to commit suicide. My ex went through depression back when S16 was born and she described it as feeling like an empty shell with a black hole inside. That is the best description I can imagine for how I felt. So keep up your PMA but just be careful because you may not be out of the woods yet.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

Thank you all for your feedback, I can see how my "turnaround", way of looking on life / whatever you will call it, can be looked at as BS, but I am in a good place, and I will take the advice to take really care of my self, and I am a good place with my IC sessions.

I am really, honestly, not trying to put anything that is not sincere into my journaling, because, it won't help me in my efforts of getting on with my life. I have nothing to prove to a board of people, whom I value for their help but otherwise do not have any relations with... So, I write with honesty, because that is what will help me the most, even though I come off as a complete tool from time to time when I have a setback - its fine, I learn and I grow.

So... I am in a really good place, and I FEEL detached most of the time. If you read my journaling you will see though, that I do use my stopsign technique on a daily basis still, because the thoughts are there, but they are there for so short a period of time, that I can say now, that they do not ruin my life like that did in december. And that is special.

So.... I can't link but, Gloria Gainer - I will Survive! <--- That is where I am 95% of my time.

So GAL today: After work, going to get a haircut, buying a pair of chinos and a nice shirt, then heading for a 2 hour gym session. Then going for dinner with 4 mates, and then we are going to go to some bars and have fun. It is going to be a great day..

Have a nice weekend !

[LH19]

H,

I'm not saying that I don't think your doing better because I think you are getting there.

You're still having trouble having consecutive posts without mentioning your W. I also feel you are having expectations that your W being interested in what your doing means something.

Lastly I am questioning why you are going to allow her to cake eat with family time. Is that how it will be in the future? Don't you think it may be confusing for your kids?

[Hurt213]

I do indeed mention my WW too much, I can see that when I read over my own journaling, you are right - this I need to work on.

Cake eating / family time - I have a hope, that when me and her both have new partners in our lives, we will be able to do things together still for the sake of the kids. Because in the end of the day, we are still their parents, and that is my most important job in this world. I would hate it, if we were gonna end up being people who can't cooperate and do things together on occasion for the kids sake - This requires me to forgive and move on, and I am slowly getting there, although I will never forget the way I have been treated, it doesn't mean I can't forgive in time, because this is also for my own sake / healing.

She texted me just now asking "Hi :), if the kids end up being sick on monday, can I then call you, so you can come pick them up? I have a very important meeting at work".

I replied: "Hi. I understand that your meeting must be important, but I am not able to take the kids. I am sure you will figure something out."

So, 1 hour left at work, and then heading to the gym, gonna be great.