13 years and 2 kids pt. 4.

[ballast]

Hurt...initially yes I think it will be tough for you, particularly being away from your children. I know because I've been in your shoes before. Thing is given the sitch with your W, it will benefit you greatly I believe to be clear of her. The time and distance will allow you to heal a great deal.

Having all of that "free time" to yourself...you may find for the first few weeks/months that you just exist, survive, read on here...heck maybe just eat and sleep although I would encourage you to work out/get to the gym as well. Bottom line you just have to make it through to start with. As you begin to see that your children are surviving the change...and they will even if it's not ideal...you will then feel more comfortable with and perhaps even cherish the time alone that you have for you to do with as you please, but that will take time to get to that place and then you might battle feelings of enjoying the free time vs not spending it with your children.

doing what you're doing is in my opinion a huge positive. let the OM full on have your W while you get clear of that dysfunction and work on yourself. i know it will be very difficult to be away from your children like that. don't discount the impact that it might have on your W being away from them for that long as well. this change will bring a consequence to her actions and who knows how that might affect her.

be strong H! know that you did not want this, these decisions are not of your control, but they are your life. you will have much time to get in touch with your spiritual side and have some peace on what is happening. as i say you just want to focus on making it through one day to the next. also one point of advice. when you stop and see your kids during the time you don't have them, DO NOT become upset if they don't engage you fully when you stop by. When I go to see my D4, it's not like we hug/love on each other the whole time I'm there. they are little, they want to play, perhaps sleep, perhaps fuss, whatever. just be thankful for the time you can see them even if it's only to kiss them, hug them and tell them you love them.

-B

[Hurt213]

Updating:

Thanks so much for the comforting words, B! I do find peace in your words, and I know that everything will be good again.

I also know now, 6 months in, a lot more than I did when I started this journey, that I didn't buy a ticket for. I am a lot wiser on how to act, how to react and how to find light in the darkness..

The fact is as follows: for all you newbies that are following, that is just beginning - this is a marathon. And I have just scratched the surface. My wife is so deep with OM, that she is now spending a week at a time at his place. Do this bother me? Of course it does. I would be lying if I said no. The fact is, she and I never married (does she resent me for having my kids and I didn't present her with a ring in return? - maybe she does, maybe that was a factor) Was I sick? (chronic inflammatory disease and followed up by depression - yep I was and that was really hard for her because I was not pleasant company, and took her for granted). Did she decide to pursue another man and start an affair with a coworker only 2 months after having returned to work from parental leave for our baby son, and leave me 6 weeks later, giving no fks about 12 years of relationship? (yes she did, and that is all on her to start an affair and I will take no blame in that). Funny thing is that this guy and her started the thing at a summer party on the last day before he went to a new job (probably easier not working together), however the new job wasn't for him, and he just now started working back at her work again, so now they are going to be together 24/7, good luck if that doesn't pan out.

There are a lot of things, that I would do differently if I had the chance to turn back time. Fact is, I didn't choose to become sick, I didn't choose the depression that came in the wake of me not being able to fulfill the dreams I had for my future and the jobs I had imagined. I had to settle, and that was never processed.

I am a completely changed man today, because of what she did 6 months ago. I am struggling with NGS, I am struggling with low self worth because of what happened, however I have addressed my depression hands on with IC. I have admitted to my faults and have reached out for help. I have cried, I have screamed, I have been up and I have been down. Today I am taking care of my S1 and D4 7 days a week without anyone "helping", a year a go, I would come home from work, and go to bed because I was mentally and physically drained. Today my doctors tells me, that my inflammatory numbers are on same values as a person with no sickness - they can't explain but I do myself believe it has something to do with my mental wellbeing. I am a happier man, I addressed the depression, I started eating healthy. I forced myself to eat "normally" because I had no appetite. It was a struggle. I started going to the gym, I started seeing people (I don't really find the pleasure in that yet, and I need to pull myself up by the shirt whenever I GAL with friends, as its easy for me to slip back into old pattern of just isolating me - but I will GAL, I will see my friends and I will enjoy it in time - already am starting to a little.)

Where does all this put me?

I am down this week. I can't understand her thought process - its hard for me to grasp how a person can up and leave her family of 2 little children and life partner like this, and just be genuinely happy with OM. She was listening to a song the other day with a text that went like "I want to love my future man", and she was dancing around and sang along, I went for a walk, that was too much. The disrespect (maybe it isn't? of course it is, who am I kidding (NGS), of her trying to just be friendly to me when she is home, talk like we never split and everything is dandy, is really hard on me) I know she broke it off, and we didn't have the marital commitment, but still, we had 12 years.

I am better today, 6 months in. I know, this is where I go to vent. I know now, after having screwed up, that I need to show her upbeat, content and happy me. I know that I need to listen, validate and STFU.

Will she come back? I don't know, I don't think I want her too, but some part of me does. Am I moving on? certainly, but there are high and lows as you know, and this is why I write here, to get advice, to calm myself and its basically therapy.

I pulled the plug on the IHS 1.1.19, and I am not in the house when she has the kids. We facetime and I turn up once or twice during the week to take them to sports, eat with them and tug them in (I will be leaving saturday).

I asked her yesterday before she left (this agreement started yesterday because of the weird holiday schedule we have been having), if she would please confirm for me, that she in fact too, will be staying elsewhere when I have the kids, because else this is not going to work out. Her vague response was while smiling "yes Hurt, for now I will be out of the house" <-- I interpreted (Stay out of her head you dumb fool), it like "Yes Hurt, things are great with OM, and for now I can stay at his place for a week at a time, and everything is dandy. However should it take a turn for the worse, then I will be right back"

So yea, just my thought process. It might seem like a downer post, but I am actually coping, realizing what I need to work on, and realizing how I am a entirely different person than I was 6 months ago. I am really enjoying who I am becoming again, and I know things will get easier, and karma will have its ways with both of us. I know forgiving is caring, but I am not yet ready to forgive, however some part of me still cares a lot. Stupid brain.

/hurt..

[ballast]

Hurt...there are many many people on here who don't understand what happened with their spouse/partner and for many of us we will likely never know what really happened. a big part of healing yourself is acceptance that you may never know what happened, but you can be ok with it and move forward in your life. trust me though as shown in my posts of my thread during the holidays it is a struggle that takes lots of time.

one of the things i've read here that has helped to give me comfort in my sitch was when i read someone say "i know that i did not do anything intentional to harm our relationship and had i known how i could have been better, i would have done so." that is the limit of your control of the relationship. if you can recite those comments to yourself and agree with them, you've done all that you could do.

being clear of your partner (so long as that does not impact your future custody) will be a good thing for your recovery, being able to be a full on father 7 days at a time will focus you and prove incredibly rewarding for your heart and soul AND will help to assuage some of your fears of "can I really do this on my own" and lastly, continued work with your IC and in your time when you don't have your kids will help to make you that better partner for a perhaps future relationship.

all of that puts you in a much better spot than you were. you were dealt a great trauma, but you are starting to find some balance, stability and forward progress for YOU in your sitch. keep going...still early days for you.

-B

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So Im back on a high this morning, which is great. It is comforting to know, that whenever I experience these lows, I know that they are only temporary (feelings and thoughts are fleeting, decisions on the other hands are the tools for not letting them decide what course we stay on).

I had fun with the kids yesterday, albeit it took a lot of mental energy reserves, because I was down. WW haven't checked in with her kids since thursday, but I am keeping them busy. She apparently told D4 that she would be gone 3 days because she was going grocery shopping for her birthday (what the actual......) Well its her conscience that has to deal with it, so whatever.

This morning we woke up, had a good breakfast, cleaned the house, and I packed my bags while the kids watched a little TV. I feel divided. On one hand I feel relived, that I get to just leave the house and be me, time to heal, time away from what I no longer have, but until now has been within reach whenever we have been home together. (Anyone just starting out, I tell you from my experience - IHS takes a powerful mind, and it is definitely not for most - so if you can, get out. Getting out does not mean letting go or stop fighting. I do believe I haven't let go completely, but I think I am fighting from a stronger position by letting myself detach from not being with her all the time, from not being needy and pursuing by the mere fact that I am always present. I also realize that I can distance myself and REALLY feel inside, wether I want to move on or if I am able to forgive in time. This is not a call I can make while doing IHS).

So in 1 hour WW gets home from OM, and she gets the kids. I will kiss them and take off. (they are acting up a bit today so I actually don't mind - im sure I will later today when I miss them).

Plan for the week:

Saturday - present day: IHS ends and I move back to my parents place (not ideal but its the best I can do).

Sunday - Round of golf with my old man and catching up on work I have let slide because of all of this.

Monday - Work, after work I will head to the gym, then catch a movie and go back to my parents place.

Tuesday - Work, after work I will drive home and take my kids to gymnastics, eat with them and tug them in, then head to parents place.

Wednesday - Work, after work I will head to gym, then have a coffee date with a old friend and head to my parents.

Thursday - Work, after work I will head home eat with my kids, play with them and tug them in. Then I will head to a neighbors house for the evening. After that I will sleep at home because D4 has birthday friday and I want to be there for her when she wakes up in the morning.

Friday, Birthday party for kindergarten and in the afternoon she has invited her best friend and we will celebrate her. I get the kids friday, and I reckon WW will leave when D4 is tugged in.

Anything I need to be aware of / pay attention to ?

[neffer]

What Ballast says: accepting reality. Getting out of IHS will move some pieces...you need to keep DB, get your GAL and avoid mind games the most you can. You have the strength and you are an experienced DBer by now. We are all here with you Hurt. Just give us a call.

Shine bright bro! Focus on yourself and the kids. It will get better, you know this.

Stand strong

(((H)))

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So here I am, sitting on my parents couch in the living room, journaling.

Yesterday I left for their house when WW arrived home. I did not initiate any form of conversation, and neither did she. I just acted upbeat, content and generally happy about myself.

I went through an emotional rollercoaster, and I still am at this point 24 hours later. At one moment, I am happy about getting out of the house, putting distance between us, and not having to look at my broken relationship everyday. On the other hand, I feel like I am being counterproductive as towards showing her, that I am indeed a person only a fool would leave, since our interactions will be very limited? (she is together with a new man, and I shouldn't really bare, but I do, a lot of that is probably also for the kids sake). I read somewhere, that nobody should stay together for the kids sake, however 100% of relationships should be worked on for the kids sake before giving up. She just gave up.

I just came home from a 5 mile walk, had a bite, and now im getting some work in that I have been behind with due to my sitch. Yesterday night I called D4 and spoke with her about her day, she was really happy and had a fun day with mom, which was great to hear, she and S1 are my only concern and they seem to cope really well in this mess.

So my struggles so far: Accepting that things are the way they are, and I don't need WW in order to live satisfying and hole. <-- This is up and down and will be easier now with the IHS done.

2. How often should I call my kids? Every night to say goodnight? or just every second night? I don't want to seem needy, and I need to be in contact with WW in order for me to call them.

3. Do I only respond to texts regarding kids, things she can't figure out without my help, and just ignore everything else? (I haven't heard from her at all since I left, and most likely won't as long as new boyfriend is in the picture - but in case I do, its nice to know how to respond).

4. Her birthday is wednesday. I bought a couple of little presents from the kids for her. I am writing her a card with something like "Dear mom. Happy birthday, we love you very much. Love from S1 and D4" <-- do I include my name on that card? Do I text her happy birthday? and how would that text sound? I won't be there for her birthday if you were wondering.

5. Am I doing alright here? I am in my own kind of fog it appears, and I am having a hard time navigating. Most of this stems from the fact that we weren't married (however together for 12 years, bought house and had two kids), she broke up, she did initiate EA with this guy before she broke up, she then made it PA the day after she broke up, however didn't inform me of AP (asked her straight the night she broke up), and she decided to go to MC with me for a month before it was revealed by accident (I saw on the PC a log of them sexting, talking about the positions that they had used the day before, and how they were looking forward to trying new things to each other........... wish I hadn't seen it). So I am working from the DB principles who apply to married people, but don't know if basically she is just a WAW that started a new life? I go back and forth between this often.

6. I will be fine, I am a good person with good values, I will make WW or some other woman happy in the future, but for now, I need to find me, be there for my kids, and follow the advice I get from you all, which I really appreciate.

[LH19]

I,

I want to start off by saying that I am not picking on you, I am trying to push you to be your best self.

You keep coming here and asking the same questions over and over. You have to participate in your own rescue if you want anything to change. You remind me a lot of a poster named "Ghost " then "Attpeace" who kept asking the same questions and then would never implement any of the good advice given to him. This went on for two years.

I want to start off about your comment about being in the house with your W so you could show her AMOAFWL. How do you think that was working fo you? You spent most of the time hiding in your room when she was home. Do you see what I mean? Now she has no idea what your doing. Do you think she might wonder sometimes?

Now about the birthday. It depends on how you feel. Be true to yourself. In my situation there was no known OM, I was never disrespected by my ex in any way so on her birthday in October I texted her happy birthday. Was not looking for a reaction I am currently in no way trying to get her back I just thought it was the right thing to do.

As far as answering texts, again be true to yourself. If you want to be her friend, servant, handyman after what she has done to you then go ahead and do it. If not, strictly kids and finances.

Lastly you have to step it up to become AMOAFWL. Movies and nachos aren't GAL when you're alone. Instead of walking 5 miles you should be running 5 miles. You have to exercise your mind, body and soul everyday. When you have some time read Maika's thread to model how to do it.

Right now you are stuck and you have to get unstuck. Life can be really $hitty sometimes. Only you have the power to turn it around. It takes a lot of time and hard work. Feeling sorry for yourself will not change anything.

Let's go! Let's start moving forward today.

[Hurt213]

LH,

Please, pick on me. Because I am stuck, and your honesty is what helps me in my darkest moments of doubt. These moments are occurring but there seems to be longer inbetween them. It is when I happen to hit these spots that I doubt my entire mission and my way of doing things. I see, when I reread my journaling hours later today, how I know the answers to my questions.

Moving forward: I have gone dim on WW so far. I am still content, upbeat and happy around her, and I do listen, validate and STFU if she engages in conversation.

I have ended the IHS and we now each has 7 days in the house (me at my parents when she has the kids, and her at OMs house). So I think that is a big step towards me having an easier time detaching and healing when I don't see her every morning and every night.

Fact is: You are right, AMOAFWL is not about telling her, it is about me experiencing what life has to offer, and if she is interested, then she will notice, if not, then some other lovely person will. It is about me.

I am going to message her on her birthday, and I am not going about this for a response. I will do this from a place of strength, because I am a nice person, and this is my way of treating people I know. Me not wishing her a happy birthday, would be me wanting a reaction from her. I hope that makes sense. Even if she treated me like garbage.

I am actually running 15-20 miles weekly and hitting the gym 4 times a week, so I am really engaging my mind and body into physical exercise, and I love it.

I am basically going to just respond to things related to my kids and finances.

I do call my kids every night to say goodnight, and maybe that should change, but it is not to get a reaction or talk with WW, it is to listen and talk to my D4 because she has a lot to tell. I basically tell my WW by text, that if D4 has the time, she can call me before bed, and then she borrows WWs phone. We talk, and then when she is bored (happens rather quickly at the age of 4) she says,, "love you dada" and hangs up before I get to answer. <-- When WW is out she doesn't call the kids, however I would not hesitate calling up and letting the kids talk with her if she wanted to of course, because D4 enjoys it, and likes sharing about her day. <--- Thoughts?

[SoTorn]

Like LH19 says. Dont think about it, dont make decisions thinking about how WW sees them. Stop thinking that your journey is ONLY for trying to save your M. Get out and get busy. I mean like jam pack your days with activities.

You will ride this rollercoaster for a while but the more you detach and GAL the better you will feel. I was initially posting all about my WW when I got here. Everyone was like, ST, good God man, you aren't doing anything beneficial, stop it stop it stop it and oh yeah, cut that friggin crap out!!!

You will feel down for a bit. But you have no idea how good you are going to start feeling when you get to the point where you are truly only focusing on yourself. You are going to be GAL and one day you are going to wake up. You are going to take a step back and take count on your feelings and you WILL say to yourself "wow, I feel really good about myself today!" And the next day you will feel even better and the next day etc.

Implement what you are being advised to do. It's not a gimmick, it's not a joke, it's not a magic bullet to make WW see the light and come running back to you.

Qll of the information and feedback is for your sole benefit. You will be AMOAFWL and you will know this because you will feel it. You will feel the future of your life pulling you forward. You will no longer feel the past dragging you down.

When you get to the point where you are AMOAFWL, you will be a strong, single, confident man smashing through life with positivity and you will look at your relationship and be like "wow, that was not beneficial to me".

These little thoughts of what could have been will be brief and will not create any emotions.

But the ONLY way to get to that point is by DBing like a madman. The faster you detach, the more you keep yourself busy, the faster you will feel better. Remember, you are living for you. Be that better man and show your kids how a mature adult picks up and takes their life into their own hands.

You can do it.

[Hurt213]

Journaling:

So, I stopped spinning and listened to the vet advice once again. Thank you all, you are truly a blessing.

I watched a good movie, and am about to call it night now. Tomorrow is work again, so that will definitely take my mind off the mess for a good amount of time, which is great. After work I am going to workout with my brother in law before eating with him and my sister and their kids, will be good.

WW texted me 5 times tonight and sent me a snapchat... I see how pieces are moving (not putting anything into it), since she never reaches out.

She basically wanted to know, if I would be coming home to sleep any days this week and then she asked if she should schedule time for the kids vaccines and which day I was able to do it, and then she wanted me to answer her how and when she should go to the car dealer with her car for the service checkup that was part of her deal...

So I basically did the following: Wrote a text with this "I will be sleeping at the house from thursday to friday." and everything else I think she can figure out herself I mean, she can call the dealer, and she can schedule time at the doctors for whenever she is available to to do so.. I didn't open the snap from her, seems unnecessary for her to include me in her life like that.

Guess that was alright ?