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Originally Posted by Hurt213
I was advised on the board to stay in the house, both because of legalities, but also because of the fact that she created the mess, she is then the one who leaves.

I,
Well unfortunately when you cherry pick which advice to follow at the time the advice was given, it was most likely the correct thing to do.

Staying in the martial home and master bedroom is a sign of strength. However, when you have the meltdown/setback like you had on your birthday that symbolic stance goes right out the window.

Now your'e just living in an extremely toxic environment that is not healthy for you or your children.

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LH,

I understand completely what you are getting at here, and circumstances change and thereby the course of action.

Meltdown / setback, did I act / react with emotions? absolutely. Will I live forever in regret and think that everything had been different, had I not ? absolutely not.

I do believe, that she is so WW in her heart and so driven by her feelings of desire and lust, that the outcome would had been the same to this day. However, we will never know, and I for one won't spend another second of my valuable time on this earth considering and thinking about, what if?

Life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get... I got a bad piece - however I am positive, that there is more in the box for me, and I like chocolate, so I am not afraid to pick up the next piece.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 247
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Journaling:

So today, me and the kids woke up rather late. It has been a hectic couple of days with family gatherings, christmas and visiting friends. The kids are definitely on low battery, and need a couple of days with no plans.

We woke up, played some games, had a nice breakfast and cleaned the house. I handed over the kids at 12 o'clock midday, and now I have a week to do what I want to.

I started out with going to the driving range and get some practice in. Afterwards I went to visit some friends for a coffee and a chat. I left and went to the gym to clear my mind and get a good workout in.

I just returned home, kids have left to visit family with their mother, and I am about to hit a nice warm shower before capitulating on the couch with a movie.

I am feeling a bit split right now sitting here. Basically nothing has changed in regards to my former partner, I am absolutely done, and I didn't really feel like I had to fake it, to not care today when she came home - I just felt indifferent I guess. I do however struggle with this "handing over" the kids thing. I would really have loved to just have them for another week. At first I was like, "this will be tough", and "this will be really hard, having to do everything alone with them". However it just turned out to be the best thing I could imagine. I have so much quality time with them, and we are connecting on new levels. So I feel like I am loosing out, and yes, I know I need to live life for myself as well. I just got to figure it out, and get used to this new reality.

I am going to see a couple of movies during the next week in the cinema. I am going to play a round or two of golf with some friends if the weather allows it. I am going to visit an old friend of mine. I have an IC appointment tomorrow - my list of 180s (especially my NGS and self esteem issues are my priority - IC always asks whats bothering me, and we start out there). I am going to hunt for apartments and I also have a meeting with the bank, trying to work out something so I can move out if the right apartment shows up, and still be able to pay my part of the mortgage. Then I am also looking at new job opportunities. Yep, I am resetting my life.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 247
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Journaling:

So this morning I woke up, and felt really great. I played with the kids and then I headed out for my IC appointment.

We talked about some of the stuff I mentioned in my journal yesterday, and I feel like I have found a path to walk, and that calms me, because I have felt like I have been standing still, or walking in circles for a long time now. Solution orientated state of mind is what I need to remind myself of all the time. I have had a habit of thinking about, why does this happen, how do I fix it, and could I had done something to avoid it? <-- All a waste of energy, waste of time and waste of mental processing that should be used on healing and growing me. Is this an epiphany of sorts? Hardly, I just think I was now ready to realize it.

I found a quote in the newcomers veteran archive and it just sums up everything so very nicely for me, so I hope others can benefit from it as well: "If you are out driving your car, and suddenly you have a flat tire, you have two options.

Option 1: You stand around wondering what caused the flat tire, was it a nail on the road or another sharp object, was it a bad valve, was it something related to the rims that caused the problem? Wondering about this will not get you back on the road and to wherever you have plans on going to.

Option 2: You realize you have a flat tire, you call road assistance, and within the hour, you are at the service station, and they will tell you what caused the incident and get you back on the road, so you can be where you need to be.

You see, I was option 1 for a very long time, and still find myself slipping there on occasion, I am however beginning to act like option 2 more and more, and that is what will cause me to find my way through this.

Tonight im going to the cinemas with my brother in law watching Aquaman. In half an hour I will be going to the driving range, and this afternoon I have a coffee appointment with my neighbor.

Tomorrow morning I am going fishing with my cousin and yep, life is great, at least its getting there slowly but steady.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
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Quote
Solution orientated state of mind is what I need to remind myself of all the time.


Sounds as if you have a good IC. I hope you continue having a great day!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Journaling:

So yesterday I went to the driving range early and had a good practice. Afterwards I came home, and played with my kids for a couple of hours and had fun. I then made plans with my neighbor whom with I will be spending New Years eve as I won't be having the kids for New Years. We had a coffee and a bite and a good talk. I then made plans with some friends of mine and we went to the local sports bar. I don't feel like drinking alcohol at the moment as I talked about earlier, but I had a lot of fun, talked with a bunch of people and just enjoyed soft drinks and acted as the designated driver which was fine smile.

I borrowed a couch at my friends house and then returned home this morning. I played with the kids, cleaned the house and now I am about to watch a movie with D4 and popcorns which will be great. S1 is napping and im gonna just enjoy the day with them. Tomorrow I have the kids until 4 o'clock where they will be going to a New Years party with their mother. It will be a bit sad not having them, but I have made good plans so I will have a good time im sure.

Thank you all for being there in what has been the worst year in my life - I am looking forward to talking with you all in the new year, that im sure will bring a lot of great things for me and for all of you.

Stay strong, stay happy, and remember, we have one life, so don't waste it on things that we can't change, act on the things you can, and let the rest happen - The universe has a strange way of sorting things, so let go, it will be the hardest task to accomplish, but at the same time, it is the best thing you can ever do for yourself.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
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Great post I! Keep moving forward. 2019 will be a transition period for you keep up the self improvement.

Happy New Year buddy!

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You sound good, and that makes me feel good. I think you are heading into 2019 with a positive attitude. I hope you can maintain this attitude and resolve about yourself and the new life you are approaching. ((hugs)

Happy New Year!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Journaling:

So time for an Update. Pardon any autocorrects as I am on my phone.

Had a decent New Years eve. The day was good, as I had the kids untill they left with Their mother for a New Years party. I had a fine evening with friends, and headed to bed shortly after midnight.

Kids had First Day in daycare today, and I am starting work again tomorrow. I prepared some things for tomorrow, went to the gym and afterwards Got a haircut.

I had a chat with my patents and even though it is not ideal, I will be going “home” and stay there when its not my 7 days with the kids. I Will be coming by every 2nd or 3rd day to take then to sports or play and tug Them in because they are so small and need my presence, its unhealthy for S1 especiallt if I am not home for too long.

I let WW know in a friendly tone, and politely asked if she would then do the same, and not be present during my 7 days, because I need to get on with my life.. She is heavily in with the OM currently, and she agreed instantly. This Will be healrhy for Me. I am sitting here looking at D4 sleeping, and im sad and angry. She dont deserve this, she really does not. I Will be the rock and guiding light for my two little Angels.

WW Can jump from a tall place of her own choosing for all I Care. Yes feelings are fleeting, and right now I really have Nothing left in my mental happy place for that woman, so lets not talk about her.

Happy that I now dont have to do in House seperation anymore. I need the change.


Last edited by Hurt213; 01/02/19 09:09 PM.

BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 247
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Hurt213 Offline OP
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Journaling:

So sitting at work, and today is a tough day.

I have been riding the high of the rollercoaster for a while now, as you can probably see from my journaling, and have been content with the idea of being alone with the kids soon. However today is bad. Tonight WW is leaving (see journal from yesterday), and when she returns on saturday, I will be going for the next 7 days. I will though be returning home to see the kids once or twice because they are so small and need my presence more than with 7 days between.

We agreed on not doing IHS anymore, and maybe that is what is putting me on a low, the fact that this is now getting very real. However this is better than me being aware that she is so deep with another man, and that I am disrespecting my self and my possibilities for healing and moving on as long as she so openly thinks it is okay to pursue this endeavor before we are split 100%. Maybe it is indeed okay, and I am just hurt. I don't want to spend energy thinking about it anymore.

I know feelings and thoughts are fleeting, and that I will be alright again soon, but today is hard.


BD: Wife says "its over" 11th august 2018.
EA: June 2018
PA: August 2018 - ongoing
Status: Taking turns 7 days a week to be in the house w. kids
WW: no regrets, seems happy with leaving.
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