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#2829083 12/21/18 02:26 AM
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Previous thread:

I don't get it

Wow, this is my 2nd or 3rd thread and it is the 4th year after bomb dropped.

I forgot to tell you that I pass my French exam and I did great ! I'm going to the next level.

Dear Everyone and Job; Joyeux Noël, Je vous souhaite meilleur voeux pour cette nouvelle année !!
(Dear everyone and Job, Merry Christmas. Best wishes for new year)

H 43
me 45
Dec. 2006 married (knew each other since college)
Sep. 2014 Bomb dropped there was the famous speech - I love you but I'm not in love with you.
May. 2015 Husband moved out (said he is going to file, had EA and PA with young ladies)
Jan. 2016 stopped pushing for divorce
Dec. 2016 start to connect
May. 2018 asked me for a trip to Seoul

Last edited by job; 12/21/18 03:03 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Babe #2829163 12/21/18 03:00 PM
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Babe,

Congratulations on passing your French exam! I am so proud of you!

Merry Christmas to you and your family! May the new year bring much happiness your way!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2829891 12/27/18 03:03 PM
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This afternoon, husband texted me, he wanted to know if I'm available tonight for dinner ? I'm surprised, it's Thursday, we both work day time and I have no idea why he invites me for dinner ? He then told me he is going to HK for business trip but my birthday is on Sunday

I didn't expect this and he brought me chocolate as gift smile

Although he will not be around for my birthday and new year holidays, I'm grateful for the dinner and gift and the grace from God !!

Babe #2829893 12/27/18 03:07 PM
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Here's to accepting the good things when they happen. Happy Birthday.

kate11 #2829931 12/27/18 07:13 PM
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Babe,

Happy Birthday early! I am so glad he has invited you out for dinner. Go and have a great time.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2829965 12/28/18 02:48 AM
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Kate and Job, thank you (heart)
husband is warming up very slowly and he still keeps distance, I can feel it; but I don't want to give him pressure.
He began to connect with his old friend and they chat more and more recently, he seems to regain some happiness from small things and has more affection towards people. Thank God for His hand never leave husband.

He just returned from H.K. and he shared fun things with me of his trip.

I'm quite curious about what's going in his mind right now and in past two years(2017/2018 he comes to apartment during weekend), but I didn't say a word, I don't think he is ready to talk nor could explain any to me.

Babe #2830003 12/28/18 06:43 AM
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Happy Birthday, Babe!

Love your patience, your goodness, and most of all your TRUST in God.

So -- Here is my birthday card for you!

https://www.sistersoflife.org/litany-of-trust


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Babe #2830011 12/28/18 08:03 AM
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Gerda, thank you and here's the chapter and verse I like to give to you before new year -
A land which the LORD thy God careth for: the eyes of the LORD thy God are always upon it, from the beginning of the year even unto the end of the year. Deuteronomy 11:12

Happy new year, sister !!

Last edited by Babe; 12/28/18 08:04 AM.
Babe #2835479 02/02/19 12:42 PM
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Hi Everyone, in two days we are going to celebrate Chinese New Year. Wish all of you and your family a happy and prosperous new year of brown pig (yes the Chinese zodiac)

Husband's been busy for three months, we met few times in past three months. Had lunch or dinner together mostly. It's our traditional that we get gifts and red envelope for elder people. I went to my mother in law' place and of course my mother's as well, generally I've had plenty chores to do before holiday.

It's Saturday, I believe my husband had finished all his jobs and be ready for new year holiday, so I texted him and wonder he would have dinner with me ? He replied - he prefer to be alone this weekend, and he will see me next Monday( New Year's Eve)

I answered 'ok'

I've walked this far, he had not rejected me for a while. I don't feel good.... Specially before holiday I guess.

I hope he is not falling back into the tunnel too much and I'm keeping my patience to the maximum !

Happy Chinese New Year dear friends smile

Babe #2835494 02/02/19 02:16 PM
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Happy Chinese New Year to you as well.

Your h may be just tired and needs a bit of "me" time to recharge his battery. I wouldn't be too concerned about it. They do tend to back off just a bit periodically.

Continue as you have been and allow him to catch up w/you and your progress!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2837086 02/13/19 03:27 AM
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Everyone, I'm back smile

Husband spent 4 nights at home this new year holiday, he stayed up late for Netflix and I'll leave him there, I go to bed before 23:00 pm every night. He was calm when we were together for new year holiday, but he could fly into a rage and be very inpatient with his parents and his brother (I don't understand where and how he's got those rages)

I'm keeping calm when he yelled at his parents... yes, I felt embarrassed but I acted like I was not bothered by his behavior at all. And I did not try to aid and comfort.

Is it normal for husband's re connection lasts over 24 months ? He started in showing affection and return home during weekend for 2 years.

I keep my paces and will not be distracted by anyone/anything, still a bit curious the status of his mind.

He got back to our apartment 2 days ago to pick up his stuff (the charger), I left the chocolate tablet and a note for him for valentine's day. Later I got home and found the chocolate and note were collected and I laughed.

Happy valentine's day everyone (heart)

Babe #2837413 02/14/19 08:55 PM
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I always love a Babe update! I did the same for my H except no note and laughed similarly when I saw he had taken it from the table. The table still was full of love, as all the stuff I put out for my kids remained.

About is it normal -- I don't know what folks will say here; I am sure it will be helpful to hear their insight/experience. But if you start thinking too hard about what's normal you might waver in your incredibly wonderful faith/trust in God's timing! You are such an inspiration to me!

Last edited by Gerda; 02/14/19 08:55 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda #2837922 02/19/19 02:58 AM
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Dear Gerda, high-five smile

I went to french class last Saturday, we learned the vocabularies of various stages of human life; the childhood, the teenage and adulthood... In french, there are the words that indicate the rebel of youth - 'la crise d'adolescence'.

Our teacher asked if you were calm or rebelled ? I then think of what my mother-in-law once told me that husband was extremely quiet (and so oppressive) when he was in his youth... his parents fought each other in front of the kids all the time, I mean real fight. I don't want to think any further.

I won't believe this midlife crisis things not until I became the eye witness of it. I prayed that Lord would pour His love into husband's heart and have him healed from the trauma he had.

Babe #2838128 02/20/19 06:18 AM
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Ah, oui, Babe, la crise d'adolescence, c'est vrai, and c'est insupportable!

J'ai chez moi cette crise avec mon mari et aussi avec mon fils. But my son is able to shift out of it, unlike my H.

And yes, my H, like yours and probably most spouses around here, had trauma growing up. He left his country and loving extended family as a very young child, and then grew up very isolated as a latch key kid with alcoholic, abusive father and a mom who did not protect him. I can still see how his dad's continued cruelty destroys him. Before MLC, his whole goal in life was to be a good father to his son and heal those wounds. Now I think he is causing wounds just as bad to his own son.

The thing is, I had real trauma growing up too.And I did not have God in my life until fairly recently. There is something so fragile about our spouses.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda #2838203 02/20/19 03:28 PM
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Gerda,

Yes, you have God in your life...but also, you may have developed better coping skills while growing up. MLCer's usually do not have very good coping skills, if any, and that's why they have such a difficult time navigating quarter life and the mid life crisis.

MLCers are very, very fragile and those who truly go off the deep end are more so.

Just my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2842966 03/21/19 11:55 PM
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Hi Everyone,

Spring is coming to the place where I live, we have flower blossoms everywhere.

In three weeks, it will be my grandma's 7th death anniversary, time flies... two years after that, bomb dropped and husband told me - 'nothing was right after that...'

I understand his crisis goes without a project schedule (laugh) and the time is in the hands of my Lord. Still I'm quite curious when he is going to come out ?

He's been extremely busy; I had dinner with him last Friday. He invited, I'm surprised cause when he had affair with his colleague, he asked me not to show myself in the neighborhood where his office is. But last Friday we had dinner at the restaurant of his office building.

I'm in good shape, my life can not be any better. Working daily and taking language lesson during weekend. Volunteering every month. Je suis contente !!

Last edited by Babe; 03/21/19 11:56 PM.
Babe #2843023 03/22/19 01:37 PM
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Spring is popping up around here too. Today, it is gusty winds, but the shine is shining. Typical March weather around here.

There is no way to tell when your h going to exit his crisis. He will exit when he's ready to return to the real world. All you can do is be that friend and continue moving forward on your own path.

Your h is slowly inching his way along. Wow! you had dinner w/him at the restaurant of his office building! That's a step in the right direction.

Keep up the good work.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2845590 04/15/19 07:17 AM
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"Their clocks are very, very slow, unlike ours. It has taken years for them to get where they are today and it's going to take some time for them to work through those childhood issues, learn to accept the things that they weren't responsible for and come to understand that they were children and couldn't do a thing about whatever happened and learn to accept that they are good people and have people who love them in the here and now. Dig deeper for patience, compassion and understanding" - Job (quote from Reconciliation - hardball vs softball)

My husband is on another planet where it has it's own clocks, I can prove this and it takes like forever for him to move forward. I can't help wondering when he is going to landing on earth... my wondering gets me to nowhere. One thing I could do for myself is moving on my pace, going straight on my won.

It's 7 years after my grandmother's death and it's 4.5 years after bomb dropped and it's 4 years after he moved out.

For every 5-8 months, I can feel the progress. To me each step is tiny but for him I don't know if it is huge... Recently he texted me gentle and nicely. I appreciate it a lot !

Babe #2845604 04/15/19 12:28 PM
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Babe,

Very well said. We try to remind posters that the clocks of MLCers are very, very slow. Very much like Rip Van Winkle who fell asleep and didn't wake up for a very long.

Thanks for sharing your insights. Hope all is well w/you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2846310 04/22/19 02:16 AM
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I had an unpleasant weekend; husband is testing on my patience to the limits.

There was an appointment of dinner with in-laws and husband Saturday night; I can not believe, they were 40-50 mins late. Yes, I was waiting alone... we all are grown ups, 40 mins late for an appointment is unforgivable to me !

I was thinking "shall I just leave the restaurant ? " but I didn't.

The house of my mother-in-law and the entire neighborhood will be reconstructed before summer vacation, they need to find another place to stay for a while, I don't know what's bothering my husband, he got the rages easily and he cursed his mother and father - "why don't they just die !"

My husband was always shy, timid but nice before this crisis. I can not believe the words I just heard.

He went to our apartment with me Saturday night, he was not angry with me, however on Sunday morning, when we drove, he lost his temper again, he yelled at the motorcyclist and drives like madman. Why he is impatient so easily ?

I called out for Lord all the weekend, specially it was Easter Sunday; how husband's personality and character changed like I never knew this person ?! my eyes are wide opened... I expected that he is getting closer and closer to the end of this crisis, and past two years, his personality in returning very very slowly... last night I could not sleep, I don't understand this, how there's a big fall back like this ?




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Babe #2846324 04/22/19 11:04 AM
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Good Morning Babe

It is interesting that his recent rage, anger, impatience, and loss of tempter are not directed at you.

It is understandable that he will have some fall backs; lots is settling and resolving within him. His comments about his parents, remind me of when I was a teenager and wished my own parents dead. Just a healthy boy, figuring out teenage changes of body and mind - tough time when your 16, can’t imagine doing it when you middle aged.

Originally Posted by Babe
his personality in returning very very slowly...

A few outbursts and loss of tempter are just that - a blip on his path. There are not indicative of his overall trend and progress - just a blip.

I enjoy following along, you are doing so very well. (((Babe)))

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Babe #2846379 04/22/19 05:17 PM
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Quote
I don't know what's bothering my husband, he got the rages easily and he cursed his mother and father - "why don't they just die !"

My husband was always shy, timid but nice before this crisis. I can not believe the words I just heard.

He went to our apartment with me Saturday night, he was not angry with me, however on Sunday morning, when we drove, he lost his temper again, he yelled at the motorcyclist and drives like madman. Why he is impatient so easily ?


When my ex was going through his crisis and was depressed, he became a very impatient aggressive driver.

But the comment about wishing his parents would die? That's really bad. I mean, if he had a terrible childhood because of his fighting, he could choose not to be in contact with them. But to wish them dead is really extreme. Does he stand to inherit money from them? Perhaps he sees that as a pathway to further independence or his elusive happiness.

Also - if he seems really irrational - do you have any suspicions of substance abuse, early dementia or other brain disorder than could cause a change in personality?

Babe #2846464 04/23/19 02:41 PM
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DnJ,
I'm calming down... it's uncomfortable to be with an irrational person though the anger and complaint are not directed to me. I think its because I had 'expectation' and let me turn it down laugh
Look a the bright side, when bomb dropped, he blamed me for everything. At least I'm not the target of his projection anymore(laugh)I appreciate your response, insight and encouragement, it means a lot !

kml,
Those curse came from someone who used to be nice and moderate is just hard to take.
Maybe, the love, hate and contradictory feeling he had towards his parents are too much. The feelings are mixed. It's not a big family he's got, one elder brother who was the golden boy; parents fought each other all the time. I once was the witness when he got bullied by his mother and his brother before our wedding. I just didn't realize the seed of the crisis has been planted that many years ago.
Before his crisis, the most difficult mission for me is to have dinner with his family; they always fight each other and have quarrel when we were halfway through our dinner... the only skill they have of communicate to each other is arguing over everything.
Frankly, I was worried that he is going to change forever; mean and vicious... I hope like DnJ mentioned, it is a blip and its a normal fall back of these MLCer.
I will not cease my prayer and I appreciate your post also(big heart)

Babe #2846477 04/23/19 03:45 PM
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Babe,

I have been thinking about your h's comment, I.e., wishing his parents would die. I think that comment was made in the heat of the moment and too, the fact that they just may get on his nerves quite a bit. They have expectations of what their son should be doing and they may be voicing their concerns to him. The pressure that they are putting on him is weighing him down. I heard something very similar from my xh many, many years ago and I discovered that his mother was constantly on him about the way he was living, the person he was with, his lifestyle, etc. Parents, family and friends do not understand that crisis people need space and quiet time to get through their crisis.

I do think his behavior is just a blip on the radar. Something may have triggered his behavior and I would venture to say that he may have either been around his family or he heard from them. Continue to pray for all of them.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2846568 04/24/19 01:53 AM
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Job,

I second your thought of the behavior of husband; what you, kml and DnJ mentioned gave me the clue. The 'reconstruction of the house' !!

They've been expecting the construction for years even before our wedding. Now it is becoming real but they are facing the packing and moving in coming 60 days, and they have to find a place to stay even though husband is not live with them. I believe the contact between family and husband was increasing. And the next issue they have will be property dividing among the brothers...I guess.

I got nothing to do with the house matters and I'm not going to get involved.

Father in law had heart disease, he had bypass surgery last summer, he is 81 now and is getting more and more weak. He doesn't eat and takes a lot of pill but no one takes care of him(he had an affair 30 years ago and he moved out of the house for several years, my mother in law did not reveal it to me, I learned this from a very good friend of husband) Husband is pretty cold and distance compared to the moment of bomb dropped, He said his father was a person with a hard life and I'm the worst daughter in law, he showed so much emotion towards his father that time and the feelings are gone now. Non of them wants to take the old man to hospital...

Thank you Job, I will pray; there are the problems that only God could fix/solve

Babe #2846577 04/24/19 02:41 AM
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Well done Babe.

Calming down and letting answers reveal themselves. Awesome. You sound much better.

You are wise, give it to God. He will help when the time is right. Have faith.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Babe #2849142 05/14/19 03:54 AM
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Hi everyone, I hope you had a good Monday night; husband and I had dinner last Sunday evening, I made the meal and it was Mother's day. Husband wised me happy mother's day( smile we don't have children) but that was a good one.

After dinner, he buried himself into sofa and watch tv for hours, we did talk to each other while he was watching movie; can't help wondering he went home for tv or he was really very relaxed 'at home' ?

He did not stay, as what he did last two years, he would left our apartment Sunday night, I tried once or twice, asked if he wants to stay, he refused and I've never asked again.

By the way, I passed my exam on french last Saturday, I'm going to next level !!!

Last edited by Babe; 05/14/19 03:56 AM.
Babe #2849181 05/14/19 01:40 PM
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Congratulations on passing your French exam!

Babe, you are doing great. Continue as you have been. Okay?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2849376 05/16/19 12:48 AM
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Oui Madame ! Will do !!

Babe #2854121 06/23/19 03:48 AM
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Bonjour à tous et à toutes, l'été est là (hi everyone, summer is here)

Husband seldom spent his weekend with me at our place these six months, I'm not too worried. On the contrary, I feel easy and relaxing. Go watching movie, go shopping by myself. Go to French class and working.

Last weekend, he's here, my i pad's got problem(too old, no longer be able to update), I was hoping that he could had it "fixed" I didn't ask for a new one; later, this Thursday there was a box couriered to me and I opened it, there's a new i pad in there. Husband bought a new one for me. I'm grateful for this and Lord's grace !

Last night we had dinner together, he shared a lot with me of the project he's been doing and his parents finally found an new apartment and are going to move in 10 days.

I learned just listen and let him talk, he is not asking for any suggestion, he probably just want someone to listen to him.

Hope that he is moving to the right direction and on the right track smile

Babe #2855815 07/04/19 11:55 PM
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Hi everyone, have a good holiday, bonne fête !

Bonnes vacances DNJ; Enjoy the trip !

Summer vacation is officially started here in my country; I'm working day time and the language learning is still going on. Last weekend, we went to a movie together, before it, we had lunch together. Noticed that when we met, husband smiled at me, that was... for years, I did not see him with such an easy and gentle attitude.

But apparently, he is not moving home, he bought a new tv for his apartment, he told me so. I try to be cool and act like it won't bother me whether he's coming home or not. Honestly, been through all these, I really enjoy and appreciate the time and life I have right now.

I'm praying and submit to God, He's got the best plan !

Babe #2855824 07/05/19 01:37 AM
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Hello Babe

Thank you for the well wishes.

It is nice to see H’s easy and gentle attitude.

Sorry H doesn’t appear to be coming home at the moment. Don’t worry about trying to be cool about it - you are cool about it. You know you got this. And so very right, God has the best plan.

(((Babe)))

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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J'ai passé l'examen samedi dernier !

I had test last Saturday of French, I did good and I'm heading to the next level next week. Everything is fine except the heat of summer...

Husband is more and more calm, when he looked at me, it's different, the person I knew is coming back somehow changed a bit. I hope he is mature, contented and with peace.

He refused to have contact of physical last two years, but recently he would smile at me, when I hold his hand these days, he holds back. I think things are moving in a positive way. Time is in the hands of my Lord, I won't push anyone !

Babe #2861466 08/15/19 12:42 PM
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Babe,

Congratulations on moving to the next level on the French language.

The heat of summer is hitting a lot of us. It's terrible here and rain is something we could use a lot of .

Sounds like your h is settling down a bit and slowly, but surely returning to the land of the living.

Keep up the good work.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2863825 09/03/19 12:34 AM
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Job and Everyone,

It's husband's birthday, we spent the weekend at east coast as we did every year. He is returning very very slowly but still in certain way, I see the teenage behavior...

This is 5th year post bombed (wow !) how time flies... look back, think I realized what husband said at that time - 'I need time and space !'; just at that moment we the LBS were panic and shocked, for me it came from no where, out of the blue, but for him, it was brewing for a while.

I don't see the plan that he is moving back home, but it's fine, the time is in Lord's hand. I enjoy the peaceful life I'm having now.

The sky and the big blue ocean are so amazing, am grateful for everything and Lord's salvation.

Last edited by Babe; 09/03/19 12:42 AM.
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He told me, he would ride his motorbike to any place by himself, to the mountain, to the small village. He thought it would be fun but the truth is he was exhausted (laugh) he is experiencing the time alone and re-live like a young man, young enough to be a teenager...

It sounds like he was having fun, but it is not, I think he is processing the 'growing up' AGAIN. It's a pity that his parents did not offer him such space. I am practicing seeing things and feel the feeling from his perspective now.

Last edited by Babe; 09/05/19 02:05 AM.
Babe #2864147 09/05/19 11:37 AM
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Babe,

You are doing great and yes, your h is starting to grow up. Continue giving him time and space.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2869669 10/28/19 03:34 AM
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Hi Everyone, yesterday, we give the down payment to car dealer. Husband finally made up his mind, we are going to have a new car smile

Two weeks ago, he rented a car and took me to countryside, to the places we visited 6 years ago right before the timing that he bombed me. Like all the memories are stopped at the point and things are restored from there... did not expect he would rent the car for weekend.

He would text me, reply on time, come home during weekend, smile at me, get me gifts (i pad, candles I like, snacks...)

He told me he's been thinking seriously about job changing, I listened and validated (am praying for him that Lord would definitely lead him)

Last edited by Babe; 10/28/19 03:35 AM.
Babe #2869682 10/28/19 12:42 PM
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Babe,

Wow! A new car! That's wonderful! Sounds like he is slowly inching his way back to reality and to you. Keep up the good work.

How are you doing?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2869797 10/29/19 05:48 AM
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Job, I'm still taking French class,
am now at level 11, two more levels I'll be finishing this book, I will not stop learning smile

Babe #2873677 11/28/19 12:18 AM
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Dear Everyone, Happy Thanksgiving, relax and enjoy the holiday.

Babe #2873771 11/28/19 08:12 PM
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Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. Enjoy the holiday.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2877190 12/23/19 06:57 AM
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Everyone, happy holidays !

Husband and I had lunch together for the 13th wedding anniversary,
everything is fine, when we hold hands, he will hold back.
This is the third year since he reconnected... ins't it long that three years had passed, he is still reconnecting ?
Will; I'm not really worried about anything, just a bit curious.

Please enjoy your holiday;
everything is going to be alright no matter what kind of situation you're in (please also remember baby Jesus came to the earth for you :D)



Last edited by Babe; 12/23/19 06:59 AM.
Babe #2877214 12/23/19 12:36 PM
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Babe,

Things are progressing and yes, it's a slow process, but if he's still reconnecting...that is a good thing. You've worked so hard to learn a new language as well as to learn how to be patient and a good listener.

Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2878931 01/06/20 02:33 AM
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Job and everyone,

Happy new year (bonne année) smile

I had a trip with my family, it was a very lovely weekend. We flew to outlying island.

Husband texted me when we're at ariport. He wants to pick me home when I arrive, I reminded him my parents are with me, he then hesitated a bit, I replied - it is fine that you pick us up, it is fine if you don't.

5 mins later texted back - I don't think I'm ready. I then texted him - that's alright.

Am I doing ok with his proposal ? I'm glad that he spoke his mind and he knew he could say it to me.

Babe #2878984 01/06/20 03:59 PM
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Babe,

Happy New Year!

You are doing just fine. He's a slow one, but you are giving him the time and space he needs to get himself together.

Continue as you have been.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2879138 01/07/20 06:46 AM
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I will !
I'll keep on moving, meantime giving him time/space.
Had knew him for 20 years, he is really 'slow'...

Job, thank you for be there always and provide the best advice and support !

Babe #2879306 01/07/20 11:33 PM
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Babe,

You are doing just fine. So, what classes are you taking this semester?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2879313 01/08/20 12:01 AM
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Bonjour; comment allez vous (how do you do) ?

I'm now at level 12, the class in on every Saturday morning, from 10:00 am to 13:00 pm. 10 weeks of lessons and 1 week for exam then we move to next level. Also, I'm still volunteering once I have time smile

Last edited by Babe; 01/08/20 12:02 AM.
Babe #2879392 01/08/20 04:17 PM
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Babe,

I am very, very proud of you. You've come such a long way and are still going strong in living your life. Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2885369 02/13/20 02:58 AM
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How is everyone? hope everybody is safe; here in Asia, the outbreak of corona virus is bad.

I read online, it's a mom's note; it says 'Our teens need us to remember, they need us to remember what it was like to feel awkward, uncertain, and self-conscious. They need us to remember the constant battle between wanting to stand out and fit in. They need us to remember their brains are still under construction. They need us to remember all this, because they need us to love them through all this so we can come out on the other side together.'

This had me reminded of the midlife crisis of a man(husband) who's in midlife storm...

Husband had small bursts during new year holiday last month, but instead to me, those bursts were toward his mother.

I don't know if they will eventually reconciled, frankly, it is difficult to get alone with his mother. I keep my politeness but avoided to see her to meet her as much as possible.

Want to say hi and I'm safe !

Babe #2889575 03/17/20 06:16 AM
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Husband told me yesterday he is going to read bible, starting with Psalm (!!!!!!)
I can not believe what I just heard smile

Babe #2889612 03/17/20 02:43 PM
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Hi Babe!

How are things in your part of the world? I hope that you and your family are staying safe and healthy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2889785 03/19/20 12:34 PM
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Thank you Job, we are doing good; are told to keep hands clean, wash hands with soap, avoid crowds and confined space. Put on mask when taking bus or metro. A bit stressful though... hope every country will get through this soon. Stay safe my friends !

Last edited by Babe; 03/19/20 12:34 PM.
Babe #2889786 03/19/20 12:36 PM
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Hi Babe, glad you are still safe. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Babe #2890225 03/24/20 12:36 AM
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bttrfly, stay safe and healthy, it's gonna take a while ...(both the virus and midlife crisis) smile

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I'm fairly new to the forum. You have patience and fortitude. Good for you. I am working on detaching and letting God. I didn't even know what that meant really. Been reading up on things. Learning that once I pray to stop fretting, thinking, planning, devising, trying to figure him out... I haven't done that since this all started. I had gotten to the point in my marriage that I felt if my H needed me to know, he'd tell me. But since BD in November, I have been obsessing about what he is thinking, feeling or doing. It's been driving me nuts. Now that I know I have an MLCer on my hands, I realize I need to let it all go. He will do what he will do. He's on his path and it make hurt me, make me feel sometimes like I want to die... but that's his path. I have mine. We may or may not meet again on our paths... but for now, he is still here and hasn't left. So I must do what I want to do and let him do what he needs to do. Prayer is something I have been doing a lot more of...
Best to you Babe. Looks like you found something for yourself... learning a new language. Yay!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Babe #2890245 03/24/20 07:05 AM
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Believe6, (((hug))) it was so difficult at beginning ...

I received the speech of - I love you but I'm not in love w/you back in Sep. 2014. I was hit by this out of blue. I thought our marriage was good, life is sweet. But I did not realize things were changing in his mind for 18-24 months after my grandmother passed away by spring of 2012.

Husband did not move out of our apartment till May 2015. I understand your feeling currently. There was time I could not eat, nor sleep, he would come home at middle of night, acting weird, secretly as a teenager. He would blame me for everything and said he made a huge mistake that we were married. literally he really 'hates me'. He had both EA and PA with very young ladies. He was drinking and spending money like crazy.

Threatened me that he will divorced me, begging me to set him free (laugh)

I return to church and I started to read a lot of articles of midlife crisis by summer 2015, later I found this forum, this is a treasure box that you could find so many valuable information and skills. I'm grateful for the help from this forum.

You could love him from distance, detach and start to live the life your own. He would be interesting of what you are doing and how you will handle things, the only thing he cares about is himself. 'you did not break him thus you can not fix him'.

He has to spend great deal of time in finding the 'cure' of his childhood issue.

Don't have to tell other people and family of both sides of how he's acting, come here, vent !

By 2016, I became volunteer and enrolled language class. 2017 He started coming home every weekend. Warming up slowly...

Please take care, pray that God Reigns !!

me 46 / husband 44
married 2006, no kids
BD Sep.2014
Moved out May.2015

Babe #2890289 03/24/20 05:23 PM
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Babe,
Thank you for the reminder... I didn't break him so I can't fix him. Yes, so true. It seems like such a long road and you are so brave and patient. I pray for patience in this. I don't want another marriage. If this doesn't work out, although I pray every day it will and in my heart I believe it can, I will learn to live my life on my own. I have a great set of friends. Two or three ladies who I can go to with my struggles.

I agree too that here's a good place to vent and just listen to my own thoughts. I am glad I have somewhere that feels safe and where I know others have experienced both sides of this--- R and D. Either is an option... but so is the final one... death. Not that I will do anything.

I read in a forgiveness book that we often don't think about the fact that our partner could and will pass. We think we have all the time in the world. And that the only way we can lose our partner is through D at this middle stage. But really we have many ways to lose our partner.

They could stay and be a stranger to us. They could leave and be a friend to us again. They could return and we could be better than ever. They could pass on.

Either way, this journey is about us. It's about who we want to be in the world and the life we want to forge. It's about learning to face ourselves and the life we've built and to decide if it's the one we really wanted.

I know my life wasn't perfect. But it felt pretty darn close. But now, I get to make it even better. I get to become even stronger, more compassionate, less driven, more available, happier, healthier, wiser, and may even more free.

Have a great day, Babe!


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Babe #2894317 05/07/20 06:59 AM
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Grace, Gerda, DNJ, Believe6, Job and Everyone,
I hope you are all safe and healthy. I'm doing good, life and work, even my language class are going on normally.

Stay well !!

Babe #2894320 05/07/20 11:19 AM
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Good Morning Babe

I’m glad to hear it.

People can be highly adaptable. Stores are closed, physical distancing, working from homes, no one in the office, schools closed, classes online, etc. Yet we feel normal, we adapt to the new normal.

I am doing well also, and content in this situation.

A great update Babe. Stay safe. I’m happy life and work are going well. Good job on the language classes.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Babe #2894412 05/08/20 06:41 PM
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Thanks for the shout-out, Babe, I always like to see you pop up! You have so much patience and trust in God!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Babe #2900252 07/20/20 03:05 AM
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Everyone,

Hope you all are doing good, safe and healthy.
Had exam of french last Saturday, I'm going to next level next weekend smile

The MLCer is more and more calm, his mother ship is getting closer to earth(laugh)

Stay well !

Babe #2900265 07/20/20 01:42 PM
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Thanks for the update. Glad to hear that the Mother Ship is slowly getting closer to earth. Hope all is well in your world.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2900999 07/31/20 06:49 AM
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Thank you Job !

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Everyone, hope you all are very safe and healthy while the pandemic spreads and not yet stopped.

husband and I spent two days to the coast for his birthday, we enjoy the beautiful beach and sunlight, I'm grateful it seems his memories are coming back, no more re-write of our history ... when we drove, he would speak about the trips we had, the food we shared, even the tiny details that I forgot for long time when we were dating.

he is 45 this year, the crisis began by 2012 spring, bomb dropped on Sep. 2014.

he becomes mild and is more and more calm now.

Last edited by Babe; 09/10/20 12:07 AM.
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Babe, you are a light, so patient and kind and full of hope.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Hi Everyone,
hope this message finds you well.
Me and my family are safe and healthy, please don't let the guard down, the pandemic is not over yet.

My parents gave husband a watch before our wedding, that's a gift. 2014 while he was deep in the mist of crisis, he took off the wedding ring and return the watch to me, said the biggest mistake he ever made is got married...

Two weeks ago, he asked me where is his watch ? he claimed his watch back. But not the ring yet smile


Last edited by Babe; 10/26/20 07:35 AM.
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Hi Babe,

I just read your story. Lots of admiration for you.

It has been a long time that you have been standing.

Good for you to hear that things are heading in the right direction.
It are these stories that ensure that a person continues to believe in a good outcome.

Good luck in all your future realizations.

Kind regards, Eagle


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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Eagle3,

Sorry you are here... understand your feeling (hug)
Come here often, there are a group of wonderful people who would give you the best advice and could help you

As Job said, it is a marathon, be courageous, get start with 'Get a Life', you will get through this !

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Dear Everyone,

where ever you are; in what kind of situation, wish you a very good Thanksgiving !
Stay safe and healthy.

Last edited by Babe; 11/26/20 12:18 AM.
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Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family. Stay safe and healthy.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Dear All,

Hope you all are healthy.

Last year, my life wasn't much effected by covid 19, but this April, there was an outbreak very quick and it spread silently... by mid of May, we are very close to lock-down. Husband thus 'move' home.

He said he wants to stay together till it is contained. He is working from home and that is so annoying. I still go to office three times a week and meantime I have to get meals prepared, I'm feeling that he was not helping at all, I'm pretty upset. I don't know if this is God's will ? He is staying because of the pandemic. Most of the time, we are getting along well but I could lose my patience very easily.

I told myself, work from home and lock down and all the stress here are just temporary.

Last night, he asked me, if he should move out ? I hate it that every time when there is a problem that needs to be fixed, he will just dodge. But I've changed, now I could talk calmly, I said to him, I appreciate if you could help instead of dodging. When there is problem, we learn and we fix it.

He was away from home for six years, moving home, stay together, it requires some time to get use to it, right ?

Babe #2920760 07/01/21 03:58 PM
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Babe,

Count to ten before saying anything. The calmer your voice is, the better. Yes, it is a challenge for both of you when they move home. Unless you are absolutely sure that you want him to move out, do not suggest it. Keep in mind, right now, he is very fragile emotionally and it's going to take a lot of digging deep for you to find your patience.

Try to remain calm when dealing with your man/child. He's still finding his way...while you have done all of the hard work while he's been on the Mother Ship. Now, he needs to figure out how to be an adult once again. Like a child, he will be testing you to see if you have actually changed. Don't take his bait! Continue as you have been for many years and allow him to figure things out.

I don't know if you have read this particular thread, but it may help you a bit.

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection


Last edited by job; 07/01/21 04:03 PM. Reason: added a link

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2920967 07/07/21 03:48 AM
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I did not give up; but thanks to Job and people around.
With the useful knowledge and skills, I be able to move forward, thank you all !!

I acted as an adult, be calm and with great patience. He was furious two or three times after moved home. But he apologized which I think is a good sign.

Thank you for sharing the thread of TMAK (explanation of reconnection), I have read it a while ago, I need it very much at this stage, and I am grateful for this.

Babe #2920970 07/07/21 10:12 AM
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Hi Babe,

6 years in this difficult situation, admirable!

You must have your heart in the right place for sure!

Good luck and I sincerely hope he finds his way back to this world.


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
Babe #2921205 07/11/21 11:39 PM
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Eagle3 smile

look back, it is a long journey.... Go back to the church, learning new language, work as a volunteer, know how to control yourself and be patient. It was painful at the beginning, but I've gained a lot unimaginable and valuable experiences.


'They that sow in tears shall reap in joy' Psalm 126:5

Babe #2921331 07/14/21 12:21 AM
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Till today, husband stays at home for 2 months, this is the longest time after he moved out by May 2015. Although it was caused by the outbreak of covid, the relationship between us is getting better.

He started to talked about his childhood, some parts are revealed that I've never knew even we've been together for 18 years... the terrible marriage of his parents, how his mother treated him. I remind myself - listen to him, do not comment.

We do not know how long it would last - the pandemic; currently we are safe and healthy, thank God for his grace !

Babe #2921338 07/14/21 01:51 AM
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Have loved reading your updates, Babe. It's interesting because your H is so difficult and in some ways like mine, but I kept watching your sitch to see him returning to you, and noticed how different that is. Mine never tried to return and did everything to destroy me and our kids and our home and won't stop. Yours, through all the spiraling and all your patience, somehow did turn his head back toward home. It makes me understand better my situation to see the differences in your H and mine.

You remain of course an angel of light in my mind!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Babe #2921724 07/22/21 12:40 AM
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Gerda, hi !!

Next Monday, our CDC will announce how will we 'down grade' or adjustment of epidemic control; I'll then know if husband will go back to office or keep on working from home or he will leave home again. I'm not too worry, I'll just stay on track and maintain the pace.

You are correct; each one of them is so different but in some way their action are so similar...
There were 15 months or more, every time his month opened, the words from him were mean and negative specifically toward me.

By the way, he started praying with me before lunch/dinner last fall.

Babe #2928317 01/12/22 12:46 AM
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Dear All, Hope all is well with you !
Husband moved home last May when there was outbreak of covid here; till today, he stayed.

Babe #2928358 01/12/22 07:41 PM
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Babe,

How are you doing? So glad that your husband is still at home. How is he doing? Does he now feel comfortable in his own skin or is he still jumpy and looking for any excuse to say "do you want me to leave?".

Happy New Year!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2928449 01/14/22 03:52 AM
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Job, happy new year !

He never mentioned 'should I leave' nor 'do you want me to leave'.
He helped me with those chores and I have a feeling that he feels more comfortable and is eased.
More and more he would share things and feelings with me, this is something that he seldom do in the past.

'The old marriage was dead' it is true, I was frightened when I got the idea years ago;
however I reborn so is the marriage.

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Babe #2928454 01/14/22 01:47 PM
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I am so happy to read that he's settling in and is comfortable in talking to you. Babe, you are a very patient woman who had faith in herself and her marriage. Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Babe #2935490 07/01/22 07:56 AM
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Hi, I hope everyone is safe and healthy; officially, husband came back home over a year now. Everything is fine, we both are more mature. I still go to French class, this year be the 6th year of learning.

The best decision I've ever made during husband's crisis is go to the school and take the class that I always love !

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Babe #2935508 07/01/22 06:41 PM
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that's fabulous, Babe!!! I'm really happy for you !!!! Nice to see something positive smile xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Babe #2935604 07/05/22 02:09 PM
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Dear Babe,
Nice to read all is going well for you and your H!
Keep on doing the French classes, I love that language.
xxx
E


Me(45)EXH(44)
M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16
04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1
12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child)
03/22-Divorce official
06/22-08/23 Reconnecting
09/23-possible back with OW2
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