FS, thank you so much for your comment. When I wrote my "feisty" post I was so incredibly frustrated and angry. I fully expected it to be my last time visiting the forum. But like so many other people here I get a great deal of comfort from reading that I'm not alone. I really need that right now.
I appreciate your comment about power dynamics, and sharing the specifics as they related to your R. I do feel alone in my opinion that this is not about gender, but as you put it, "power dynamics are normally played out around traditional notions of gender". Yes. Exactly. You really brightened what is a tough day for me just in acknowledging that you know what I was saying.
*******
Originally Posted by FlySolo
It was a strange realization that I was aware of men and was open to the possibility of something.
Yeah, it was kind of like this? I don't know. Nothing at all happened for me last night, except I just had this VIBE that there was possibility. No flirting. But for most of my life I've thought I'm kinda strange because I am so rarely attracted to people. Last night was reassuring in that I know I'm not broken, or dead inside. I know that I CAN find attraction in another person again down the road. I'm just not looking yet, and won't be for a while. But if I can have a little distraction by keeping an eye on the cutie at work, I'll take it. I'd rather have my heart beat a little faster than focus only on the negative.
******** On another note - today my dad and I were texting and I told him how yesterday was rough for me. We ended up meeting for wings and a beer since he knew I was sad. And for the first time he talked to me like an adult about the fact that my marriage has fallen apart. He didn't try to fix it, or advise me what to do, or badmouth W. He just listened and shared that he was sad too, and very sorry about all that was happening. This was a change over how he has tried to help in the past several weeks and it felt SO good. I feel a lot better after such a normal and authentic conversation with him.
it felt SO good. I feel a lot better after such a normal and authentic conversation with him.
I like this. I’m glad for you. I’ve had a similar experience and it’s one of the best things I’ve gotten out of this debacle.
I’m glad you decided to stick around. I had a lot more to say about power dynamics vs. gender but I’m on my phone so it’s hard to type out a dissertation. Stay tuned for that one.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
I'm not detached, but I'm not crumbling either. What am I? My days are filled with regular activities. I get choked up or very sad or anxious at random times. And other times I laugh with coworkers or friends. I don't let myself wonder what she's doing in her new life. It's not my fight to fight. I can't work on this relationship if the other person is not in the relationship. So I guess I just...let it fall? Move forward, I guess. That's what I feel like I'm doing. It's just kind of slow but I suppose it's at least steady.
Rarely I look at my phone at a photo of W from months ago. And I love that person so, so much. That's when I miss her, when I can see her and remember how much I love her. During my everyday I block out images of her because they're too painful. But I feel so completely that person in my photos is gone, and I can't get her back so I need to move forward. So I'm not detached, but I'm not fully living in the past either. I'm realizing what a toll the spring/summer/fall took on me. She was slowly moving away and I was anxious and didn't know what was going on. I didn't know how to fix anything or even talk about it because I couldn't define it. So I guess in some ways she has been gone for longer than I realize, and that's pushing me forward.
The next steps of selling the house, dividing possessions, and processing divorce are going to be hard. It will be the physical display of our split, and I've spent time pushing aside the images of who we once were as a couple. I'll be forced to face it in a very tangible way.
I can't be with her because she's not a person I want to be with right now. This is not the person I know, and I'm in full awareness that I deserve better than her current state. Maybe "deserve" isn't the right word. But I want better, and I will settle for no less than what I want in a partner. I know my worth, I really do.
Some moments I still get an overwhelming wave of certainty over me that W will come back in my future. I know she will in those moments. I don't know where I'll be then. The hurt that she caused is starting to settle in, and I'm becoming more aware of it. I'm becoming more aware of what my shortcomings were in the R, but also what hers were. None were so egregious to make me pause when we were in love and happy. But now that the perfect image has been shattered, could I ever deal with her specific faults in the future?
I woke up in a good headspace. I'm more comfortable with the idea that W is gone, and that I don't know if she will come back. I'm still back and forth in my head, but the feeling of desperation is subsiding. The panic is subsiding. I'm looking forward at what my next year might look like.
Once I get my living situation squared away I can consider traveling. I'm very concerned about my budget for living expenses, but I think the next 6 months will really settle this so I can be comfortable taking off for some time. Who knows where this will bring me? The idea of solo traveling sounds nice. A bit scary, but potentially fun.
My daily tears feel more theraputic. I'm of course still desperately sad that this is happening and don't want it to, but I also feel I have control over myself. In all of this I like some of the changes that have happened inside me. I feel like I'm a more empathetic person. Before I could sympathize, but never really knew heartbreak. I never wished to know it, but now that I do I see people differently. I see my friends and coworkers who have gone through D differently. I see people who are in pain differently, like I'm right there with them in this human experience.
Several weeks ago I was at work (at the college) and I happened to be near a student who received a phone call that her dad had just died of a heart attack. It was just the two of us in that hallway, and she just looked up, her eyes met mine and I grabbed her and hugged her. We spent a long time sitting on the floor while I just held her and stroked her shoulder. It was horrible.
But I wouldn't have done that before. I would have felt somehow removed from her pain, and gone to find someone more "qualified" than me. She didn't need someone qualified, she needed another human being.
I also feel closer to people that I meet. I'm more interested in starting a conversation, or hearing what they have to say. I feel more open to sharing. I guess I just feel more social. Before I had everything I wanted, so I wasn't looking to expand my social circle. Now I definitely am, and it feels nice.
My previous confidence and good mood has dissipated. I'm back to being incredibly sad. I knew it wasn't forever, but the hours of feeling good about things were nice.
Sometimes I go down the internet rabbit hole trying to find answers. They don't exist and I know that. But I'm just so desperate some moments in wanting to know if there's anything I can do.
In some moments I feel like this is all about W - she needs to come out of this on her own, she needs to figure out if this R is something she wants, and I can't do anything unless she wants this. Other moments I feel like it's all on me - I was a terrible partner who didn't hear my W's cries for support and love, and she will never love me again.
I know it's a combination of both. I also know I'm not the only one struggling, I know she is too (though I don't know specifics). That doesn't make me feel much better to know that we are both probably feeling desperate to a certain degree, and just wishing our lives could be what they used to be.
Yail has been having some bourbon again. And I've decided I'm making a Divorce playlist on Spotify!!
So, it's actually nowhere near done, but it's a fun little thing. I add to it as I find appropriate. Some songs may be specific to my tastes, but perhaps you'd all like to listen to a song or two for some much needed kitchen dancing.
(Kitchen dancing is when you dance in your kitchen while alone and drunk while texting your BFF. If you're female you should definitely be in your fancy lingerie.Today I did so while listening to Amy Winehouse's "Rehab". It was a great moment. Definitely drink your "good stuff" for this activity!)
Ok, fun songs to make it through. I'm accepting recommendations!! Today's songs are:
"Good Kisser" - Lake Street Dive. For when you are in a "Eff It" mood and just think a good time could be had between you and someone new. Good grooving music. Wear a nice pressed shirt, fitted jeans, and quality boots while sipping expensive whiskey and swaying at a bar. This goes for both men and women.
"Bang Bang" - Jessie J, Ariande Grande, Nicki Minaj. Terrible pop music that is an ear-worm that you simply can't help but dance to. Good for getting your groove back if you're feeling defeated, but want to remind yourself you're a hottie. Probably more appropriate for women. Also, probably best for straight women. That hasn't stopped me.
"Waste of Time" - Snow tha Product. When you're just angry at your spouse/Ex. Club groove music. Drink nice wine and flip him/her/them off.
Journey - Separate Ways (Worlds Apart): the ultimate LBS=Plan B song! “If he ever hurts you, true love won’t desert you, you know I still love you, though we touched and went our separate ways...”
Led Zeppelin - D’yer Maker: the ultimate LBS pursuit song! “Baby please don’t go...”
Last edited by burned; 12/22/1802:04 AM.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
How'd I know you'd be the first to respond burned?
wait, are your songs about being LBS and feeling like Plan B? No! Only Plan A songs allowed! These are not sad D songs, only songs that make you feel GREAT
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
