I agree w/the others...wait until you are much closer to the time. I would have your h tell them while you are sitting in the room. It's his story to tell and you shouldn't have to be the one to break the news to them. You will need to be the one who will reassure and love them after he breaks the news.
Now, if he starts telling tales or speaking in a negative way about your or the marriage, then step in.
It won't be easy, but you will be there to reassure your children. He's not capable of doing that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know several people here where I live that have also gone through various versions of MLC with their XH
Their kids were also various ages
Mostly I see, the kids are ok yes they have some issues, but probably would have had some struggles anyway
I do strongly believe as long as one parent is available supportive and present--they are ok
Your anxiety and dread are normal it is a scary time--I clearly remember that
For me..I didn't know how I would earn money
We had a small business at the time of BD that XH was draining funds and blowing off customers he was running it into the ground..
The only thing that saved our business was my brother who worked there with XH My brother trained me and we managed-
and I have 2 children that I was solely responsible for One foot in front of the other here
We do not see a lot of reconciliations here on ths board, but there are some BUT we definitely see a lot of awesome, brave and wise LBS who always wind up winners in the end- so please trust in that and keep going
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thank you for all of the advice about how to handle things with the kids. No matter what happens with my husband, I want my kids to come out of this whole. They are such great kids (I know I am biased). I know I can't protect them from the hurt but I want to do the right thing by them- always.
It only takes one sane parent to raise your kids well
You got this
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I did miss welcoming you a few weeks ago. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation with your H. You have met some compassionate and knowledgable people with much hard earned wisdom that really does help.
You have received some very good advice and I must say you sound and seem very grounded and level headed, well done!
I completely agree with your decision to not pursue marriage counselling, at this time.
Unfortunately, there is no test to tell absolutely if someone is suffering a MLC. A lot of an MLCer’s behaviours are that of a WAS, wayward, etc... because they are - they can be both. MLC has its roots or cause buried deep within some childhood trauma(s). A tigger, like that of his father’s death and his own morality, can awaken these terrors. MLCers are driven to, must have, and cannot prevent - their escape. They have to run, they cannot face their pain. This of course causes so much more pain and problems for them in their future if they ever do awaken from this.
I had no idea of what MLC was, just some Hollywood idea of guy buys sports car and finds younger women. In fact over the holidays I had a relative joking about having his own midlife crisis and was buying a sports car. I let it go. I was one of the uneducated, uninitiated, for so long - I hope this guy never has to learn.
That is where you find yourself, facing this. For what it’s worth, with everything you have said, and the timelines, I believe MLC is quite likely for your H.
Your best course of action is to focus on yourself and the children. Heal well and be the stable parent. Continue to give H time and space, he needs it, and will take it anyhow and anyway he can. Focusing on you, helps you - and will give the best chance at future reconciliation (long ways away) if you want. You really don’t need to decide right now, just breathe and be patient.
Unfortunately your MLCer is not being patient and does have an aggressive timeline, moving out at the brining of February. I do know something of aggressive timelines. My W dropped the bomb at Thanksgiving supper in front of everyone, announced her IDLY speech, her boyfriend, her affair, her adultery (6 days later), and moved out - all in less than three hours. Legal separation was 60 days from then.
As best you can, let him do what he is going to do. I would inform your children a week or two before his date. Let him tell them if you want, or do it together, or by yourself - the only thing that really matters is that you are there. Rememebr this part is about the children, and in my experience, you will be the only one that will truly be there for them - at that discussion and going forward. You will be the stable and sane parent.
Just be honest and truthful with your kids. They deserve it. And of course be age appropriate. This is a very difficult conversation to have, and is the first of many. Don’t fret, children are more accepting and aware than we are, it will work out.
Focus and stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You have received some very good advice and I must say you sound and seem very grounded and level headed, well done!
DnJ
I wish I could say that I am grounded and level headed at all times but that would be a lie. I work full-time and immediately pick up my kids after work and I am with them until their bedtime. I think that forces me to remain calm. Being hysterical at work or around my children is just not an option. Nights are the hardest for me- when I am no longer distracted by all the things I have to do. This is how I know that I still have a long way to go toward being truly detached. My head is still spinning with emotions. But outwardly I try to carry on as normal until I get to the point of detachment. I also try and remain calm and pleasant at all times when my husband is around me (though these times are rare). I constantly remind myself that I need to remain a kind and dignified person to the best of my ability. Anything less is not personally acceptable.
Tomorrow is officially 2 months post BD. It feels more like 8 lifetimes.
Sorry you are going through this especially when we LBS young kids.
About MLCers moving fast, oh boy can I see that.
My W BD April s10 birthday he was turning s9 By April W pretending I did not exist W Came and went as pleased in 10yrs W Would go out but will be home at night for the First time W didn't come home for 2days
I knew it was really over, By the first week of May I found a lease W rented on April First week by 2nd week of May W gone, literally one day While taking Trios to movie, W just took half her clothes and shoes
I came back W was gone couple days later W took a little more clothes And that was it. Oh yeah W took all savings and some of checking Left me with less then $300 in bank.
So listen to the vets here to protect all finances I was one of Those LBS that never thought W would take all the money not my W
So yes they move fast. By June 2017 W took OW to family reunion
So by April BD By May moved out By June OW in picture but was there even before BD.
And what I heard from friends W and OW where already living Together.
So these MLCers are literally nuts. They don't give a crap who is in there way all they care is about themselves and Other person
Now at bd my kids where S9, D9 and S8
My recommendation as I went through this, don't sugarcoat Anything, kids are smarter then what we think. Be honest make Sure both of you are there let H tell them just listen and if H says Something wrong correct him.
Please please take them to individual therapy also yourself Also do church groups and check around your area they also Offer Divorce groups 4 kids this group is only for kids and your Kids won't feel alone they will see other kids talking about divorce.
You are going to be a superhero mom now is time for you to put that Super Cape on and become that Mom. Do activities There is so much free things keep them busy.
I don't have money but I go to library and church anything They offer free services take it.
We as parents need to listen more DnJ and many here have help Me with That.
Just validate and listen to your kids. I usually nod my head and say to Trios am sorry that's happening can I hug you. It shows your kids your there Remind them when you tuck them in "I am here"
I know this is going be hard trust me but never speak ill or agree With your child. My d10 usually says Mom acts like a little girl sometimes I usually Respond am sorry d10, do you want to talk about it.
I never agree with Trios but I usually just listen.
That has been the hardest but now I am good at it.
I am here when ever you like to vent.
You are safe with us here.
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
I constantly remind myself that I need to remain a kind and dignified person to the best of my ability. Anything less is not personally acceptable.
I admire you setting the bar high.
You are going through something most people could scarcely imagine. If you slip or fall, remember to be kind to yourself as well.
I see nights are the worst times for you. For me it was mornings. In the late evening, I was emotionally exhausted, and therefore more stable. By morning feelings were recharged and full blast again, even with the terrible sleep. I could only get 90 minutes at a time.
This lasted about two to three months, for me.
How are you sleeping? Do you get through the night? Nightmares?
Share or ask whatever you like. This is a safe place, and a trove of knowledge and experience.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I constantly remind myself that I need to remain a kind and dignified person to the best of my ability. Anything less is not personally acceptable.
I agree with this and try to live my life like this in all ways, and especially when I see H. I try to treat H like God would want me to, with kindness and compassion. It helps me keep peace with myself, live mainly a content life while I wait, and hopefully helps H, although I so rarely see him I wonder if it makes any difference. BUT, it makes a difference to me. And that is what GAL is all about. Ourselves.
We are here to help you along with your journey. Hugs.
Kate, best recommendation I can give besides what has already been given that has worked for me is get a gym membership and workout. If you can afford it, get a personal trainer. Working out reduces your anxiety and makes you sleep better. And you H will take notice.
