Yes, his father's death and turning 40 where the triggers. Unfortunately once those triggers take place, he will have to go through the entire crisis in order to come out the other side. Suddenly with the death of someone they love or knew and the age creeping up, it's mortality hitting them in the face. They are scared and realize that maybe they need to revisit the past because they think that there is something there that they didn't experience. Unfortunately, it's childhood issues that need to be resolved and the only way to do that is to return back to that time where they were emotionally stunted. Your h is going back in time and I would venture to guess he's going to act like a teenager very soon and not give a fig about money or the consequences of his actions.
So, what do you do? First, keep a very close eye on your finances and your bank and credit card accounts. Set up a new account and move some of the money over to it so that you have funds in case he goes nuts after the holidays on the spending. Second, keep your focus on you and finally the third suggestion...try to enjoy the holidays with your family and friends. It's not your job to explain why he's being such a scrooge. You can't fix him because you didn't break him.
Keep the focus on you and if he doesn't want to participate in any of the activities this holiday season...no sweat! Leave him home and go out there and participate on your own. Fake it until you make it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They want you to stay where you are and be predictable
Okay for you to be more mysterious and unpredictable
Okay if he does not like that
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kate, don't go counseling, my husband and I went there at the early stage of my husband's midlife crisis. We spent money and had time wasted. Husband got what he wanted - my wife is crazy, I need to divorce her. The therapist can prove that.
Please take care and take good care of your financial. It's very difficult at the early stage of spouse's crisis after bomb dropped... Please come here often, there are many great advice you could get ! It will help you get through and learn the idea of what your husband is going through.
Does anyone have experience/advice for breaking the news of separation to children around 9 and 7 years old? My husband wants to move out on February 1st. My boys will be devastated. Their father is their hero. Thoughts on breaking the news? What should I expect/look out for with regards to how my kids are coping?
This is the hardest part for me. I love my husband and I am so hurt that he is doing this to me. But I know that I will survive. What he is doing to the kids absolutely devastates me.
There's no easy way through it. My youngest was 17 and I can still see his face when his dad told him.
I'd wait until it's a little closer and you're further from the holidays so they don't associate it with the holidays in their mind.
A month is too long for anticipation anyway. Maybe a couple weeks before.
Don't let your H do it alone - they inevitably try to paint it as a joint decision or as your fault. I know some sources say to present it as a mutual decision but I think that's a mistake - it's ok for the kids to know this is not your idea.
On the other hand - your kids need to know ITS GOING TO BE OK. You need to be strong for them, they need to know you'll be ok because you are their rock. Cry your tears elsewhere. Put on a valiant face and don't act like it's a huge deal because the bigger deal you make of it, the more scared they'll be.
Others with younger kids should have more specific advice.
I would tell them closer to the actual date as KML said
I cant remember exactly the way we did it but I think they realized something was wrong while he was still there I think honesty is best- they know the truth anyway No blame But the truth Your dad has decided to move out but we both love you very much we cant protect them But they will know you are there you are not leaving ect….
Me being there and taking on rolls of both parents was helpful my kids are both doing well they are 17 and 23 now good students drug free and good people- no contact with dad for 9-10 years no contact was a blessing for us none they don't ask about him anymore For my situation- especially after xh went dark with no visits I told them he loves them but he is in MLC I told them the truth If he gets better he will visit again they seemed to understand
In some ways it was a huge relief to not see him everyday with his crazy shut down -not talking to me behavior
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have always felt the same. it was what he was doing to the kids that made it feel unforgivable.
My kids know I do not believe in divorce. They see me forgiving daily and I will never tell them that I think divorce is okay. On the other hand, I never told them about the OW. And I never told them I had cancer in year two of the MLC!
Your situation is moving very fast. My kids saw their dad change overnight but then stay for five years now though he disappeared most of the time from their daily lives. He only just filed this fall, it was like a 3rd or 4th BD for me. My H also keeps trying to explain his behavior by putting me down, which backfires and makes my kids panic, literally. Lately he keeps leaving town without telling them, but they are so used to him not being around, they often don't notice. I don't think my H even knows that they know he filed for D!
So I have found that it's better to be honest that he is in MLC and that their feelings that this is not normal are right and true, that it has nothing to do with them and not that much to do with me either. I remember as a child feeling not only horrible but also that maybe I was the crazy one. So it's important to validate their feelings.
I told them that I will always protect them and love them and told them that he loves them too but as a child of divorce I think it is very confusing for kids to be told their parent still loves them so much when it is quite obvious he is choosing to leave his family and is acting crazy. So I think it's a fine line. Just be sure that before you speak, you go into a closet or a church or a forest alone and ask for a clean heart and total forgiveness. I think if you do that first, you will know what to say.
XO
Last edited by Gerda; 12/28/1806:40 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Does anyone have experience/advice for breaking the news of separation to children around 9 and 7 years old?
Kate - I think there are 2 important things to reassure your kiddos about. First, that what is happening is in no way their fault. Kids take blame onto themselves easily, even if they don't say it or show it. So, this reassurance will need to be reinforced along the way. Second, kids want to know how it will affect them. How will their life change? I would reinforce that even though dad won't be living there, they will still have both of you to talk to any time (or you if you don't think your H will be available or willing for this), they will still have their home, school, friends, etc.
I'm so sorry you will be facing this. I had a lot of anxiety before I told my kids, and they are grown up! It is not easy. My son especially wanted to know the reasons. I just said It was private, but did share with them I thought their dad was depressed and he had a lot to work out on his own. I also shared that I did not want a divorce, and am hoping we can heal and live a happy life together. If you both can do it together so the kids are reassured you are both there for them, that is best.
Thank you everyone for your advice. I have so much dread and anxiety about what this will do to my kids.
My husband does seem to be moving quickly (at least to me). I think he is trying to run away from all of the bad feelings inside of him as fast as he can. I think he believes that as soon as he is gone everything will be better for him.
I am waiting to see if he follows through on his aggressive time table. Historically, planning ahead and coordinating a major life event (like moving) has never been his strong suit. Who knows about this new MLC person though.
Telling the kids can be difficult. My kids are a little older,(12 and 14 at the time). I let W tell them while I sat there to intervene if she blamed me or made it sound mutual. I didn't intervene...she was fair with her delivery. We waited until after the kids were done with finals, but it was still a couple of weeks before she moved out. I'm not sure the timing would have ever been good.
I think my advice on that would be wait till its almost time, but still with enough time for them to absorb the idea of it. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It is HARD!!
