I know is not something you want or us here Especially during the holidays.
I can tell you one thing that was told to me A year from now you will be better emotionally
Last year I put a Christmas tree last minute for My Trios. But this year I decorated outside And we decorated tree.
I won't say it will be 100% great but you be better than This year.
Just listen to all the ones that been here for years. They will give you some great advice.
Just remember is not your fault There's nothing you could have done
Just protect yourself financially and mentally Because MLCers will make you feel like your going crazy. And trust me your not.
We are here. And remember
One day at a time.
And is ok to cry, yell, be sad is ok to have all these feelings.
Happy Holidays
At BD Lesbian marriage Me39,W36 S9,D9,S8 adopted all three Together almost 10yrs Bomb Drop - April 2017 W movedout - May,2017 OW June,2017 Currently 2018 Me40, W38 S10,D10,S9
How do you deal with the silent treatment when you are living in the same house?
Ever since BD my husband has been giving me the silent treatment. He avoids eye contact, leaves a room if I enter and hasn't talked to me at all. Even about mundane stuff. I have been giving him lots of space. Not trying to engage him in conversation (relationship or otherwise) but I do still acknowledge his existence with a "good morning" if we see each other in the morning and a "hi" in the evening when he comes home from work if I happen to be downstairs. I am greeted with silence. I have been trying to go for cordial roommate. However, with the holidays upon us we will have several days of family togetherness (myself, husband and the kids). Any tips for dealing with this?
You have to learn to treat him like a roommate. Ignore his behavior and continue as you have been. When he sees that his behavior is not bothering you, he may change it up. As for family, I would let them see him and his behavior for themselves. Do not apologize for his behavior, but you can explain a bit of it to them after they have experienced it. He may "put on an act" for those who are there for the holidays, but there's nothing you can do to change him at this point.
Be yourself, try to enjoy the holidays and do things for yourself and your family. You can ask him to join in, but if he doesn't, then so be it...it's his loss. Try to keep the focus on you and your kids. Leave him to sulk in his little world.
I am going to suggest that you do a search on the name HaWho and read her threads. Her h acted quite a bit like yours and he was living in the home until last year. I am posting the link to her last thread. Her previous links will be at the top of each new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to this super place. Sorry that you are here. You have gotten some good advice to start with. Read as much as you can here. Knowledge is powerful. You will make mistakes. We all do, but hopefully this site will help you avoid making more.
IMO, counseling is of no benefit now. Unless he is inboard or even open to it, it will not have any chance of working, or v little chance. In your shoes I would drop it. Don't mention it again and if H brings it up tell him you have changed your mind about it. But you could see someone on your own if you think it could help.
I would just add that before you start your journey be clear about your motivation. Many LBS have a knee jerk reaction to save the M just because they realise they are about to lose it. Understandable but you need to explore the question deeper to be clear why you want to stand. Knowing that truly will help resist when the going gets tough.
And I agree that you should know your boundaries and what actions that will occur if crossed. Standing does not mean accepting everything until they come around. In fact that is counter productive.
Lastly I remind you that you have time. Do not rush in on your white horse in metal armour to saveyour M. Sometimes doing nothing is the best action. In the beginning we put ourselves under pressure to do something now NOW, before itis too late. Nothing can turn this around immediately. There is no magic switch. You can only win this in the long term. I know that is hard to hear and almost impossible to heed but if you can listen it could save you from some mistakes.
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Hi, Kate11 -- So sorry you are here but let me say that you sound very clear-headed and kind, that is a great start.
I am crushed with work but wanted to say that it might help to imagine what you would do if a teenager refused to talk to you. You wouldn't take it totally personally, maybe just a little, and you wouldn't expect anything.But you also wouldn't lose yourself and your own politeness, etc. Try that.
If you can pray for your H, do that too. If you don't believe in God, pray to the universe.Give him up, surrender him, ask God or the universe everyday to heal him and take care of him. It will give you some peace.
And the other thing I would suggest is to invite people over as much as possible. I have found this to be the best way to combat the loneliness of MLC and it's much better for the kids. Your H will probably run away or even get mad about it, but to me it's the only way to have any normalcy at home. I am in year 6 of an in-home MLCer. He just filed for D but I am still holding some hope though longing for him to go far away until he comes back. And probably the biggest reason I want him gone is because I want to be able to invite people over all the time.
You sound like a wonderful person, glad to make a new friend and sorry it had to be here. I have such PTSD that I got scared when I saw your name, it was the name of the OW in my sitch. It took me a few minutes to write to you, I was that scared. That's what MLC will do to your mind if you aren't careful, and I am a veteran at this point!
Last edited by Gerda; 12/21/1801:50 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
IMO, counseling is of no benefit now. Unless he is inboard or even open to it, it will not have any chance of working, or v little chance. In your shoes I would drop it. Don't mention it again and if H brings it up tell him you have changed your mind about it. But you could see someone on your own if you think it could help.
I'd like to add to the others that M counseling is useless unless your H is on-board to really work on the M. We went 6 months and my H never got out of what he calls the "mine field" - do I have it in me to work on the M?....Is status quo best for now? .....Can I give her what she needs?......" He STILL says the same things, at least last month he did when I asked him if he plans on renewing his apartment (he did).
Originally Posted by roist
I would just add that before you start your journey be clear about your motivation. Many LBS have a knee jerk reaction to save the M just because they realize they are about to lose it. Understandable but you need to explore the question deeper to be clear why you want to stand.
Again, I wasted MONTHS (maybe years) on giving H every accommodation with no boundaries in my desperation to keep him. Until about 2 months before I asked him to move out. At that time I realized I want to be happy with or without H, and my GAL activities pulled me out of my pit. My goal is now clear. Become a happy, fulfilled ME, and let H be to figure out if he wants to be happy and how he plans to do that. If he ultimately decides he wants to try to R, I may already be done. Who knows?
Originally Posted by roist
Lastly I remind you that you have time. Do not rush in on your white horse in metal armour to save your M. Sometimes doing nothing is the best action.
I have family members and a few friends wondering "how long I'll let this go on? At some point I'll need to make a decision." I politely inform them that I'm in no rush because I'm not interested in dating or replacing H. I'm o.k. with the way things are (because I'm developing a happy life for MYSELF). H may come along for the ride down the road, but I've already started my wonderful journey, and navigating all the bumps in the road the best I can.
Thank you everyone who replied for both your support and your advice. It is all much appreciated. I am about 6 weeks post BD and while I think I understand (to some degree) intellectually what I need to do the practical implementation is much harder. And I recognize I am certainly not detached yet, though I know I need to get there.
I’m so sorry you are here, but you are in the best place.
Do you recall something, anything that happened around 24 months ago that could have triggered MLC in your H?
His father died unexpectedly, at age 57, a bit more than 24 months ago. I think it was his fathers death combined with turning 40 that may have launched his midlife crisis. Although he has never articulated it, I think he is terrified that he will also die at a young age and now he wants to make sure he does "all of the things" and does not want to be weighed down by a wife and family. I can't be positive though.
