Chiming in to say that, like just about everyone here, you deserve much better. You strike me as thoughtful, caring, articulate, intelligent and spiritual, and you deserve so so much better.
Not only for yourself, but also for your D. Be the role model for her, so that she knows what a strong woman looks like, and what a strong woman deserves in her own life down the road.
To paraphrase what I said in a different thread, be queen in your own house. Don’t let H stay with you when he treats you like that.
Be queen in your own house, and I know that one day you will find someone worthy of you who will treat you as that queen. Stay strong.
Thanks all for your kind comments! I have some deadlines coming up before the holiday break but I look forward to responding over the weekend. Thanks again!
I really wanted to respond sooner but I had deadlines right up until Christmas Eve and then the last few days have been exhausting with Christmas and my daughter being home and all the activities.
I promise I will respond to each of your recent posts. I don't want to procrastinate but I know tonight I don't have the stamina to write everything that I want to say. I want to share a quick update though. On Christmas day my husband came in the morning and spent half the day here. He never asked to sleep here or anything so there was no issue. Yesterday he came for a little while to see our daughter and then today he watched her for three hours while I met a colleague. When I came back he left and our daughter said she asked him when he's going to come back and he told her today that he'll never, ever live with us again and he asked if she was upset about that. That really bothered me a lot. I called him and he said he's soon going to file for divorce. I told him our daughter is an innocent child and I don't want him to say those things to her or ask her if she's upset when he already has no plan to return. He made a lot of threats, tried to intimidate me, and kept saying "we can do this the smooth easy way or fight in court. It's your choice." It's as if he suddenly snapped back to being that terrible person he was last winter. He also says he's still moving to our area soon.
My only interpretation for my husband's behavior is that his behavior depends on how things are going with his girlfriend. I assume he and she are doing well so she's probably been pressuring him to get divorced or perhaps he has a new woman lined up and he wants to be totally free. Who knows. My other conclusion is that I really do believe there's an immigration scam aspect to our situation. I sponsored my him here from a war zone and while he didn't leave right after he got a green card or citizenship, he left once he had a residency and job and after his whole family was safely settled here. Basically he stayed until he no longer needed my help and then my daughter and I became a burden. That's my overall take on our situation - that yes there are a lot of similarities to other cases especially when it comes to cheating but the timing of everything leads me to believe this may have been planned intentionally. I assume he'll spend many years dating and enjoying his life and eventually he'll settle down with someone who he really wants, at a time when he's truly ready, and he'll probably be a decent husband at that time since he was a great one to me until he left the first time.
I honestly don't feel I have the strength to go through the divorce process at this time. I'm really run down from working, being a single parent, chores, activities, being sick, etc.. but I don't have any choice if he files now. I'm sad about everything, blaming myself for marrying a bad person and sad that the one I loved would do this to me and an innocent child. Even if he turned into a monster and I don't want this version of him, there'll always be the memories of our seemingly happy years together when we were young and had the whole future in front of us. One important thing to note is that sometimes we here on this site are simply grieving. We can be told to GAL or detach more and more but what we really need at times is just some sympathy and someone to listen. That's how I feel at the moment and that's what I sense about many of you too!
Right before I was about to hit the bed and play some silly game on the ipad, you get my eyes all puffy and red... now how am I supposed to level up? Wont be able to see the screen well, but that's okay, I need to rest these eyes anyways.
Its so sad how the people we love can show this other side of themselves. Growing up, I've seen couples separate and from the outside looking in, they looked perfectly fine. But having this happen first hand, there's so much devastation.
You may not feel like you have the strength now, but you're strong and you have a good heart. You're not weak and you will endure. You have a lot going on and this by itself is overwhelming. Give yourself some time. Allow yourself some time and space to grieve.
And remember, no blame games, this even means no blaming yourself. It's your H fault for turning into what he is. Makes me want to punch him in the face for saying that to your Daughter, much (()) to her. I wouldn't worry about H. He could be spending the rest of his life trying to get back the good life he had with you. Don't waste your energy on him. Keep that focus where it needs to be on you and your daughter. Wishing you much happiness and peace into the new year.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
You do have strength in you. YOU CAN DO THIS! I know how much you love your girl. You can do this for both of you. Look how much you've already accomplished!!! Remember when this started? Remember when you didn't know if there was even going to be a tomorrow? You have come so far Nicole! You're going to make it. Keep on going!
Also, I know we have always said this to you on this site but... WHO CARES what your WH is doing? Or what he will be doing in the future!?!? You know what? All those awesome things you think he's going to experience that you fret over? YOU CAN DO AWESOME THINGS TOO!!!!! And you won't be a lying cheat!!! You won't have any guilt or remorse. You're the winner in this situation, even though it feels like the opposite. I promise.
It's gonna be OK.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Nicole... you H is a first class jerk. You and your daughter deserve so much better. I know things are tough right now. You need to take care of yourself and your D first and foremost. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but your H has done you a favour by revealing his character now instead of years down the road. You are still young and you have a great life ahead of you. Your H’s life will pale in comparison. And like Joe said...he will always be a lying cheat no matter what he does. You deserve much, much better.
You do have the strength. Just take it one day at a time and deal with what is right in front of you. That’s all you need to do right now. You will get there. I have absolutely no doubt about that. (((Nicole)))
Nicole, you are going to be fine. It is going to take a long time. It is going to be painful. It won't be fun. You will come out the other side, though.
Now you KNOW there's going to be no reconciliation. You can let go of that hope, and move on with your life. It's so hard, I know, and I really feel for you.
He's doing the typical WASpouse thing though, where he says "it can be easy or hard, it's up to you." He wants it all. He wants the divorce, and he wants it to be easy. I'm not advocating making it unnecessarily hard, but he will probably classify making sure you get what you deserve as "hard". Tough. Stick up for yourself and D.
I think you are exactly right, though, about grieving. We've suffered a significant loss, and it takes time to get beyond it. I think in some ways it's harder than being widowed, because the other person is sometimes around, and we get reminded of our loss and our rejection every time we see them.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
your H is doing the same stuff. He's full of lies and doesn't care if he hurts you. I'd just use that to fuel your fire to detach.
I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth. I wouldn't bother to call him. I'd just go live your life.
As for this quote:
Originally Posted by Jim1234
Now you KNOW there's going to be no reconciliation.
I wouldn't make any assumptions. I'd stop thinking like this altogether, Nicole. The whole "we're getting divorced, we're not getting divorced" back and forth just hurts you. So don't even think about it. Don't think about how things are with OW.
Just let him go.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
your H is doing the same stuff. He's full of lies and doesn't care if he hurts you. I'd just use that to fuel your fire to detach.
I wouldn't believe a word out of his mouth. I wouldn't bother to call him. I'd just go live your life.
As for this quote:
Originally Posted by Jim1234
Now you KNOW there's going to be no reconciliation.
I wouldn't make any assumptions. I'd stop thinking like this altogether, Nicole. The whole "we're getting divorced, we're not getting divorced" back and forth just hurts you. So don't even think about it. Don't think about how things are with OW.
Just let him go.
I think the important thing is you Live your life like there isn't going to be any reconciliation. You never do know, but healing will truly come when you love your life that way.
Absolutely sometime we just need a hug while going through the grieving process. And grieving is healthy. It is a helluva process, but one that is necessary.
I see a very bright future for you and your daughter once you process everything.
