Getting Mixed Signals - New Thread

[DejaVu6]

I think that all sounds very positive Living. He is starting to look inwards and take some responsibility for his decisions. Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t rush things and let him come to you. Think about your 180s and put those into practice. (((Living)))

[Living]

I think that all sounds very positive Living. He is starting to look inwards and take some responsibility for his decisions. Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t rush things and let him come to you. Think about your 180s and put those into practice. (((Living)))

Thank you! I agree that it seems he’s starting to look inward. I think you offered me great advice. I’m going to continue to forge forward. I’m not getting excited or acting overly enthusiastic. Just listening and letting him talk. As long as he comes and talks to me, I’ll continue to listen to him.

[Ready2Change]

I’m not getting excited or acting overly enthusiastic. Just listening and letting him talk. As long as he comes and talks to me, I’ll continue to listen to him.

This is DBing.

[Ready2Change]

How much have you read in the piecing area of forum? There may be some good words of wisdom for you there. Only you can determine if you are entering that stage of the process. Obviously if you have any doubts, you have not got to that stage yet. But, you can always get yourself educated.


I also think it would be helpful for others if you posted a reflection on what you think "Is working"

[Living]

How much have you read in the piecing area of forum? There may be some good words of wisdom for you there. Only you can determine if you are entering that stage of the process. Obviously if you have any doubts, you have not got to that stage yet. But, you can always get yourself educated.


I also think it would be helpful for others if you posted a reflection on what you think "Is working"

R2C I have read a couple of threads in the piecing forum but I’ll be sure to go back and read more. I’m not comfortable saying that we are at the piecing stage just yet. However, again, I’ll check that forum out.

Warning: Long post

We had a long talk again last night. Again, H initiated the conversation. He basically reiterated how much he loves me. He says he feels like he has to figure out who he is. He doesn’t feel like he’s been a good H. He’s ashamed that he had an affair on me because I didn’t deserve it. He just can’t figure out why he was so weak. He also can’t figure out at what point in our marriage he started to feel a disconnect. He said there was a time when he was happily married and that he loved being my H. He’s just not exactly sure when that changed or what made it change. He referred back to a time when we had a beautiful home, he had a good job that he loved, and we were more financially stable. He said he was happy then.

We relocated from our home state 4 and 1/2 years ago after he retired from the military. He took a job here that didn’t turn out the way he planned. He then got another job that also hasn’t turned out the way he expected it to. He actually likes the job but doesn’t like the management he works with. When we moved here we rented houses that never felt like our former home. So I get what he’s saying there because that’s been hard for me too. We went from living in a beautiful house that felt like home to living in rentals that always felt temporary. I think I’m finally starting to also realize that him retiring from the military has taken a toll on him. It was 23 years of his life that he loved. He loved what he did and seemed much happier then. We have also had financial issues since moving here but our financial situation has greatly improved thank God!

We now have purchased a home and we are renovating it. I’m working on making it feel like a home. Maybe that will help some!

Back to our convo...He said he feels like he just can’t get marriage right. However, he said that he’s scared to let me go because he thinks he will end up regretting it. He also said he’s scared of being alone. He said he’s not sure if it’s that he’s truly unhappy being married or if it’s something else. I told him it sounds like he’s unhappy with himself and that he’s a mess (his words). I explained to him that he seems to have a lot going on and that with everything he has going on he can’t be a husband right now. I told him it’s important that he works on finding himself.

He said I’m just going through something that I just can’t explain. He mentioned again that he has demons from his past that are eating at him. I again encouraged him to talk with his IC about these things since he’s not comfortable sharing them with me at this time. I told him at some point he has to tell someone so that he can lift that burden off his shoulders. I think something may have happened to him when he was a child. However I’m not positive, but it’s something.

He then says that he has noticed how good I’ve been looking. He says he thinks I’m absolutely beautiful. He said that he also notices that I’ve changed some of the things he complained about. He said he appreciates it and notices it all. I told him I’m not making changes for him, I’m making them for myself. He then said he’s enjoyed the chase and pursuing me.

We ended our conversation by him telling me he needs more time to figure things out but he assured me he’s working on it. He then asked me if I could give him more time. He said he doesn’t want to rush to a D and he hopes I don’t either but he understands he can’t control that. He asked me could I give him more time. I said nothing. I honestly didn’t know what to say. He came in my room as I was getting in bed and he climbed in my bed and said, you never answered my question. I asked him why does he hold on to me if he claims to want out. He said because I truly love you with all my heart. He then asked again, if I could give him more time. I said I can’t answer that right now. I then told him good night and insisted that he go sleep in his room. Of course he wanted to stay in bed with me but I wouldn’t allow it. I then locked my door and he tried to come back in but couldn’t get in.

[Living]

Reflection:

What I think is working in my sitch...

Please be warned that by no means am I an expert at DB. I am almost 3 months into my sitch this time around.

* The positive changes that I’m making in myself. Also being consistent with those changes. In the past I made changes but wasn’t consistent. Some of the changes are things that my H complained about. And you know what? My change has inspired a few changes in him. Example: one thing he complained about is the kitchen not getting cleaned up before we go to bed. I’ve made sure for the last 2 months (since he brought it up) that the kitchen is spotless before we go to bed. At first it started out with me just cleaning the kitchen. Now, he comes in and helps me each night.

* GAL - H and I normally spend weekends together (doing nothing but together) he’s been shocked to see me getting all dressed up and GAL without him. I shall continue with this. I’ve made a list of things I want to do and I’m checking them off.

* That brings me to looking good. I’ve been making sure I get up everyday and I make myself look beautiful. In all honesty, I had totally let myself go. I felt frumpy and it showed. Now I get up put on nice clothes, makeup, fix my hair and walk around with confidence. When my husband met me I was confident and took very good care of myself. I’m getting back to that person and it feels good.

*I’ve started to loose weight H never complained about that but the extra weight affected my confidence. I also didn’t feel sexy and that affected our sex life. So I’ve started to loose weight so I can feel better about myself and to get healthier. After all, I’m not getting any younger. I’ve lost 15 pounds so far and it feels great. My plan is to start working out, I’m just trying to fit ghat into my crazy schedule.

* At night I always put on something cute and feminine. No more old oversized raggedy t-shirts. No more of my H shorts. This has made him notice me but it’s also boosted my confidence. I feel sexy and I love it. Now I’m not taking over the top lingerie. No just feminine pajamas.

* When I’ve noticed that my H is watching me like a hawk, I will do little things to make him watch me even more. These things are subtle but they definitely get his attention.

* I have detached from him. This seems to be one of the things that has scared him. It’s showing him what a life without me will look like. Unfortunately for my H he still lives at home, so me detaching from him is even harder. He has to watch me walk around (looking good) and know that I’m not fooling with him.

* I put him and all of his things out of our MBR. He’s totally moved into our daughters bedroom (she’s away at college). He never in a million years thought he would come home to find all of his things laying on her bed. That’s where he’s been sleeping and will continue to sleep until he gets it together or moves out. Again, this is showing him what life will be like without me. Each night he begs to come sleep with me and I decline.

* When he comes to talk with me about our sitch, I just listen and let him talk. It helps because I really want to hear what he’s saying. I also want him to feel comfortable talking with me.

* I haven’t said the words “I love you” in probably 2 months.

* I’m showing him a self-confident woman who will survive with or without him.

That’s it, that’s what I think is working. Again I’m no expert and if you look at my thread you’ll see that. I have good days and bad days. This has been one of the toughest challenges of my life. I love my H with all my heart. I truly hope things work out for us but if they don’t, I must go on with life.

One of the best things that has happened is me finding this forum. Everyone that has commented on my threads has truly helped me. I’m not sure where I would be if I hadn’t found this forum. I probably would have begged my H and continued to make myself look like a fool. I probably also would have totally chased him away. This forum has been a Godsend. It’s given me the tools to navigate this uncharted terrain that is know as my marriage.

[AnotherStander]

We had a long talk again last night. Again, H initiated the conversation. He basically reiterated how much he loves me. He says he feels like he has to figure out who he is. He doesn’t feel like he’s been a good H. He’s ashamed that he had an affair on me because I didn’t deserve it. He just can’t figure out why he was so weak. He also can’t figure out at what point in our marriage he started to feel a disconnect. He said there was a time when he was happily married and that he loved being my H. He’s just not exactly sure when that changed or what made it change. He referred back to a time when we had a beautiful home, he had a good job that he loved, and we were more financially stable. He said he was happy then.

Back to our convo...He said he feels like he just can’t get marriage right. However, he said that he’s scared to let me go because he thinks he will end up regretting it.

Translation- "I still want to have a fling, or maybe multiple flings, but I do like to hang onto my old married life as well, so please stay on as Plan B while I explore my options." Don't buy into his crap. He's reading from the wayward husband script.

He also said he’s scared of being alone.

Well gee, maybe if he were married to a great woman he wouldn't be.... OH WAIT HE ALREADY IS. I mean WOW, if "scared of being alone" is his only reason to cling to the M then what does that say about him.

He then says that he has noticed how good I’ve been looking. He says he thinks I’m absolutely beautiful. He said that he also notices that I’ve changed some of the things he complained about. He said he appreciates it and notices it all. I told him I’m not making changes for him, I’m making them for myself.

Great response.

He then said he’s enjoyed the chase and pursuing me.

(shaking head)

We ended our conversation by him telling me he needs more time to figure things out but he assured me he’s working on it. He then asked me if I could give him more time. He said he doesn’t want to rush to a D and he hopes I don’t either but he understands he can’t control that. He asked me could I give him more time. I said nothing.

GOOD! I'm glad you didn't respond to this ridiculous inquiry of his. YOU ARE NOT PLAN B and he needs to get that through his thick skull.

I honestly didn’t know what to say.

Tell him that you can't make him any promises, that you are working on yourself and as you do, you are enjoying your new sense of freedom and independence. Tell him it sounds like he has a LOT of work to do on himself and that once he does that, if he is SERIOUS about reconciling then you will consider it AT THAT TIME.

He came in my room as I was getting in bed and he climbed in my bed and said, you never answered my question.

Please tell me you kicked him out!

I asked him why does he hold on to me if he claims to want out. He said because I truly love you with all my heart. He then asked again, if I could give him more time. I said I can’t answer that right now. I then told him good night and insisted that he go sleep in his room. Of course he wanted to stay in bed with me but I wouldn’t allow it. I then locked my door and he tried to come back in but couldn’t get in.

Hallelujah! You are doing and saying all the right things, well done! I wish more LBS's had your strength and intestinal fortitude! He is trying so hard to cake-eat that it's ridiculous. This guy has some freakin' cajones as we like to say in TX. You are doing a great job at shutting that crap down, keep it up. He still has a long way to go before he hits bottom and may actually get serious about trying to get you back.

[AnotherStander]

What I think is working in my sitch...

That is an awesome list and classic DB'ing.

One of the best things that has happened is me finding this forum. Everyone that has commented on my threads has truly helped me. I’m not sure where I would be if I hadn’t found this forum. I probably would have begged my H and continued to make myself look like a fool. I probably also would have totally chased him away. This forum has been a Godsend. It’s given me the tools to navigate this uncharted terrain that is know as my marriage.

Wayward husbands are somewhat predictable. They are particularly selfish and self-centered. They actually want their WAS to beg and plead and be pathetic because it gives them a sense of power and control. And as long as their WAS does that, then they are quite happy to camp them out on the back burner as Plan B. They will lead their free-wheeling MLC life with multiple partners (often at the same time) and throw just enough crumbs to their WAS to keep their hopes up enough to stay on as Plan B and as their occasional refuge from the storm when things get too crazy. Now and then there's nothing like a warm meal and a shoulder to lay your head on as a break from all the wild partying and sex you've been having, right? UGH. Anyway wayward husbands can only be dealt with in one way- TOUGH LOVE. You can't give in to Plan B status, they will absolutely railroad you. I've seen it so many times here! You are doing great, your thread would be a great resource for others dealing with a WH/ MLCer.

Wayward husbands also have a high incidence of eventually well and truly crashing and hitting bottom and coming back begging and pleading. Usually by then the LBW has gotten her stuff together to the point that she no longer wants this pathetic mess of a husband. I've also seen that happen here many times. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing and try and be patient, because he probably will eventually come out of it and want to recon. But all his talk about it right now is just BS to keep you on as Plan B. When he really gets serious about recon you'll know it.

[Living]

We had a long talk again last night. Again, H initiated the conversation. He basically reiterated how much he loves me. He says he feels like he has to figure out who he is. He doesn’t feel like he’s been a good H. He’s ashamed that he had an affair on me because I didn’t deserve it. He just can’t figure out why he was so weak. He also can’t figure out at what point in our marriage he started to feel a disconnect. He said there was a time when he was happily married and that he loved being my H. He’s just not exactly sure when that changed or what made it change. He referred back to a time when we had a beautiful home, he had a good job that he loved, and we were more financially stable. He said he was happy then.

Back to our convo...He said he feels like he just can’t get marriage right. However, he said that he’s scared to let me go because he thinks he will end up regretting it.

Translation- "I still want to have a fling, or maybe multiple flings, but I do like to hang onto my old married life as well, so please stay on as Plan B while I explore my options." Don't buy into his crap. He's reading from the wayward husband script.

He also said he’s scared of being alone.

Well gee, maybe if he were married to a great woman he wouldn't be.... OH WAIT HE ALREADY IS. I mean WOW, if "scared of being alone" is his only reason to cling to the M then what does that say about him.

He then says that he has noticed how good I’ve been looking. He says he thinks I’m absolutely beautiful. He said that he also notices that I’ve changed some of the things he complained about. He said he appreciates it and notices it all. I told him I’m not making changes for him, I’m making them for myself.

Great response.

He then said he’s enjoyed the chase and pursuing me.

(shaking head)

We ended our conversation by him telling me he needs more time to figure things out but he assured me he’s working on it. He then asked me if I could give him more time. He said he doesn’t want to rush to a D and he hopes I don’t either but he understands he can’t control that. He asked me could I give him more time. I said nothing.

GOOD! I'm glad you didn't respond to this ridiculous inquiry of his. YOU ARE NOT PLAN B and he needs to get that through his thick skull.

I honestly didn’t know what to say.

Tell him that you can't make him any promises, that you are working on yourself and as you do, you are enjoying your new sense of freedom and independence. Tell him it sounds like he has a LOT of work to do on himself and that once he does that, if he is SERIOUS about reconciling then you will consider it AT THAT TIME.

He came in my room as I was getting in bed and he climbed in my bed and said, you never answered my question.

Please tell me you kicked him out!

I asked him why does he hold on to me if he claims to want out. He said because I truly love you with all my heart. He then asked again, if I could give him more time. I said I can’t answer that right now. I then told him good night and insisted that he go sleep in his room. Of course he wanted to stay in bed with me but I wouldn’t allow it. I then locked my door and he tried to come back in but couldn’t get in.

Hallelujah! You are doing and saying all the right things, well done! I wish more LBS's had your strength and intestinal fortitude! He is trying so hard to cake-eat that it's ridiculous. This guy has some freakin' cajones as we like to say in TX. You are doing a great job at shutting that crap down, keep it up. He still has a long way to go before he hits bottom and may actually get serious about trying to get you back.

It’s tough AS because I truly want to believe what he says. However, I believe you are right about most of what you’ve said above. I absolutely don’t want to be anyone’s plan B. You are so right that he has a lot of work to do on himself. And I must give him the space necessary to do that work.

[Living]

What I think is working in my sitch...

That is an awesome list and classic DB'ing.

One of the best things that has happened is me finding this forum. Everyone that has commented on my threads has truly helped me. I’m not sure where I would be if I hadn’t found this forum. I probably would have begged my H and continued to make myself look like a fool. I probably also would have totally chased him away. This forum has been a Godsend. It’s given me the tools to navigate this uncharted terrain that is know as my marriage.

Wayward husbands are somewhat predictable. They are particularly selfish and self-centered. They actually want their WAS to beg and plead and be pathetic because it gives them a sense of power and control. And as long as their WAS does that, then they are quite happy to camp them out on the back burner as Plan B. They will lead their free-wheeling MLC life with multiple partners (often at the same time) and throw just enough crumbs to their WAS to keep their hopes up enough to stay on as Plan B and as their occasional refuge from the storm when things get too crazy. Now and then there's nothing like a warm meal and a shoulder to lay your head on as a break from all the wild partying and sex you've been having, right? UGH. Anyway wayward husbands can only be dealt with in one way- TOUGH LOVE. You can't give in to Plan B status, they will absolutely railroad you. I've seen it so many times here! You are doing great, your thread would be a great resource for others dealing with a WH/ MLCer.

Wayward husbands also have a high incidence of eventually well and truly crashing and hitting bottom and coming back begging and pleading. Usually by then the LBW has gotten her stuff together to the point that she no longer wants this pathetic mess of a husband. I've also seen that happen here many times. All I can say is keep doing what you're doing and try and be patient, because he probably will eventually come out of it and want to recon. But all his talk about it right now is just BS to keep you on as Plan B. When he really gets serious about recon you'll know it.

Thank you for the insight. It makes me sad but you’re probably right. I truly wanted to believe what he was saying. Sad face! : (