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#2826523 12/08/18 08:37 PM
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Westo Offline OP
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Previous thread,
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778068&page=11

Thank you Coly and Andrew,

You both gave me the title to my new thread. I really didn’t know what to call it, but I think it’s perfect.

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Yes, your h is a very lucky man. He has so much to be thankful for.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job,

Although, I look over at him all snuggled up on the opposite sofa and can’t help but wonder if he actually realises this.

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In time, he will come to realize just how lucky he is to have a second chance.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Whether he realizes it or not, but I believe that he will...every time you lay your head on your pillow at night give a wink to God. He is a God of grace, reconciliation, restoration, and second chances. He gave you the strength to persevere thru this storm and the forgiveness in your heart to heal with your H. I thank you for your ability to share your story here with us. I came on here shortly after you and you are an inspiration.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Oh thank you so much SBJ, your words mean an awful lot to me.

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Yikes! I see you joined Sep. 2106 and H has just now come back. Congratulations on your patience and perseverance. You inspire me to hold on beyond my 11 or so months of waiting.

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Hold on in there paco......you’re in for a long ride!

Please listen to all the advice here, ‘it’s a marathon not a sprint, keep your expectations to zero, get on with your life, you have the gift of time, use it well’.

These people have been there, done that. They know what they are talking about.

11 months? It’s just begun.if I hadn’t been diagnosed with breast cancer, God knows when he would have reached out.

I will never know.

BTW, he left in March of that year....

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Today, he had to catch a train early, to attend an H & S meeting just outside of London.

When he came home, he couldn’t wait to tell me about it. He was so animated and it reminded me of before BD, when he wasn’t animated at all.

In fact....there was nothing there behind his eyes. It makes me so sad to think of that.

Ever so slightly he is coming back. I go to the fridge and there are stuff missing overnight (he eats things while I’m in bed) like he used to do.....

Last night he said “ I’m peckish, hmmmm, what’s there to eat?!”

He knew I had Christmas snacks upstairs and knew I’d bring some down. Like it used to be....before BD.

For a good few months H behaved like a visitor....I’d say in the last three weeks he is now showing he’s home.

Looking back to last July, I can see how intense him coming back was. It was absolutely difficult and not what I fantasied it would be.

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'......he's home'

Westo, this gives us so much hope !!! Hallelujah !!!!!!

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He is returning "home" slowly, but surely. Keep up the good work. Patience is the key when they are slowly returning.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Patience !!! patience is the key !!!!!

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For 27 years I have bought the Christmas presents.

Yesterday as H was about to to go present shopping he asked me what cards he usually got for the family. I looked thick at him and answered “I dunno”.

I had made jars of marshmallow snowmen in chocolate for all the GK’s for Christmas Eve to give including his eight and my two.

Now, don’t get me wrong.....for all these years I bought for his too, but as he had relieved me of that duty for the last two Christmases, I’m quite happy to leave him take on that mantle.

And he did......he went shopping yesterday and today, buying each GK cards (and put cash in) and chocolates etc.

I did feel a bit guilty while he wrapped stuff but at the same time thought he needs to do this. He needs to come to terms that he is a grandfather.

I did wrap his parents stuff today, as he really doesn’t have a clue. He is coming leaps and bounds though...

This may seem very crude to some, but he kept farting on GD today (which she actually loved, as it reminded her of the past) and shows each day how he is reverting back to the old H.

I would say that he is the same now as he was in 2014....two years before BD and I suspect it will take a good year for him to be back to normal.

Anyway, I hope all of you, my dear friends on here a very happy Christmas and a very peaceful New Year.

But most of all, much love and massive cwtches from me, we WILL get there!

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Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Sounds like this holiday season will be magical and full of fun and surprises. You did the right thing...stepping back and allowing him to shop and wrap the presents. It's bringing back many good memories for him. Be sure to compliment him on the wrapping!

Enjoy the holidays!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thank you Job,

Best wishes to you and yours and thank you for your invaluable advice, as always.

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I am always here for you and the posters.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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What a difference 3 years makes.

The last one H spent with us was in 2015. He hardly interacted with any of us (he’d just met OW after all) rolleyes. This morning he got up shortly after me because our GKids live opposite were dying to come over and open their gifts.

He was amazing with them, so attentive and funny. I cooked the dinner and washed up as I went along, something I’ve learned to do while he was gone. I used to make a right mess, knowing H would do all the washing up.

The only thing I asked him to do today was to take the turkey out of the oven! S and D did the washing up.

Along with the usual smellies and stuff, he bought me a beautiful silver bracelet and earrings (I prefer silver to gold) and a lovely card ‘To my gorgeous wife’.

I said “ oooh Gorgeous Wife? Did you read the front of the card?!” He said “no, what does it say?” With a wink.

His humour, which we’ve always loved as a family, is back. We missed it so much. I had to go upstairs this morning to compose myself as the contrast to the last two Christmases was so marked.

We’ve had a lovely day and he’s currently fast asleep on the sofa. I think the effort has taken it out of him, but all is good.

His snoring is getting on my nerves though!

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He said he was going to have forty winks, but that was over an hour ago.....

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I am so glad to come here this evening and read your posting. It's always so special to me when I see someone coming back to earth and being w/family. I think you will find that once he's finished up his crisis, he will be more settled and more mature.

As for the snoring, I think it's a small price to pay to hear that noise in order to have him back home safe and sound.

What a beautiful Christmas all of you had!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Westo, thank you for sharing your updates. Yours specifically has reminded me of my own, for some reason. Not in specifics, but maybe in your approach to it or your thought process. I get the sense that throughout your H's journey you never lost your own compass. I'm so glad you had a nice holiday.

I am early in my own journey, with a W that has left and asked for D. I think perhaps the biggest pearl of wisdom I've gleaned from you is to not put up obstacles for a potential future R. Our frustration or anger may be justified, but nothing good comes out of acting on it. I can respect her need to leave, and build my life as if she won't return. But if we do reach a point where we can R I know I'll be grateful to not need to do extra clean-up.

And my burning question to you: What is this phrase "look thick" when you refer to looking at your H? smile Is it just a blank stare? Used when he makes a dumb comment? I'm unfamiliar with the phrase and I enjoy it smile

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Hi Yail,

I’m so glad you take comfort in my updates and you are right when you say I didn’t put obstacles in the way of a R.

Also, I could have had a relationship with someone but chose to stand by H and give him two years to see what would happen.

After all, why complicate things further. He had a reason (not an excuse) for what he did, depression and mental health issues. I didn’t.

Looking thick at someone is what you thought it was, a kind of blank stare of disbelief.

You are indeed very very early in your journey. But please listen to the wise people on here and use this time for you. I as all the others here have been through Hell but.........

I honestly wouldn’t change a thing. My M was dead before H left and I’m grateful that we have the opportunity to make our new M so much better. I know he’s reverting to the old H but I’m so different.

I will never ever take what I have including our family for granted again. I’m very lucky but....I truly believe that this R wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t come across this forum and listened and learned, of what not to do.

The old me would have never let him forget what he’d done. I remember someone on here asking, ‘do you want to be right, or happy?’.

I want to be happy.....


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Westo

Sounds like an awesome Christmas

Thanks for encouraging all of us


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Journaling....

I am so proud of myself, I kept my mouth shut. It was hard but I am determined to be a better version of myself and that meant I had to keep it shut!

Good girl, you are learning and you will get there.

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Originally Posted by Westo
After all, why complicate things further. He had a reason (not an excuse) for what he did, depression and mental health issues. I didn’t.


This right here is what I keep returning to. My own situation my W is not doing the "monstering" thing or the many affairs. She has run away and her communications are almost meek or hesitant which is not typical. She used to be such a confident person! Your situation showed me that people can go through a crisis in a different way and it is just as valid.

Time will tell what my decisions on standing vs moving on will be. But I know that if there is any chance of having a renewed happiness like yours I will give my W the respect she deserves. She has asked for space, and I will respect that request.

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Dear Yail,

That’s all you can do really, give her the space she’s asked for. You don’t own her and whatever happens you know you gave her that.


Last night H aunt and uncle called. I’m very close to her and haven’t spoken to her since he had left.

They came because his uncles sister is dying and called unannounced. h was in work. His aunt, who is only a couple of years older than me made it clear when he left that she would never have taken him back.

She asked me what was going on as she’d seen on FB that he must have come home and I explained to her the hours of research I’d done on MLC and male depression and explained that if I hadn’t had seen with my own eyes the lights go out in his soul, there would have been a very different outcome.

Tonight she messaged me and I’m copying and pasting her message including H’s name.

“Just wanted to say it was really great seeing you yesterday. I think you are the strongest, most forgiving and empathic woman I have ever met! You are an inspiration!❤💋 it was also good to see Steve happy and laughing. 😀Love and best wishes to you all for a wonderful beginning, with love and happiness in 2019 😍🎉”

I would think that some of the emojis don’t show on here but they are basically hearts and kisses.

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Just a four and a half hours away from Big Ben’s big chimes here.

Happy New Year to you all and may you gain more clarity and strength in 2019.......keep working on you (((cwtch)))

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Happy New Year to you and your family!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Happy New Year Westo!


Me - 47
H - 45
D-16
M - 6 years
Separated - May 16

Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
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Here’s a little tale I haven’t shared before,

I am addicted to alcohol, and I drink two bottles of red wine a day. Last April I read a book on stopping drinking and I did ....for three months.

And then H came back in July of last year, and I started back again, using the excuse of stress.

In the first few months of his return I collapsed three times, with bruises to my body and nerve damage.

I put it down to alcohol.....but no, I honestly believe that it was down to that and stress..

I have been through H3ll.

I haven’t shared this before but want to now, to show people how hard this is.

I haven’t collapsed since....and things are so much better now.

I am posting this because I don’t want people to think reconciliation is easy, because it is not.

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Thank you for sharing that Westo. That took courage as does your continued journey.

Be kind to yourself.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Westo, I'm sure there are many of us who are soooooo envious that your H came back, but kind of relieved that we don't have to drink the megalitres of STFU smoothie that you have swallowed. Having to say nothing, and keep saying nothing, for fear of setting H off or ruining the reconciliation would absolutely and certainly cause a shedload of stress for me if he hadn't said and done the things I think he should. I know you are patiently waiting for the right time to broach The Discussion, and that kind of patience must be incredibly difficult to maintain.

I have no advice at all. You know you can give up drinking under normal circumstances. I think you're self-medicating and doing what you think you must to get through this part of the reconciliation. Is anybody else worried about how much you drink? If your H is, how is he expressing his concern?


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Hi devvo,

While I have guzzled quite a few STFU smoothies, I have opened my mouth a few times. As you can imagine the tongue is looser with alcohol.

The times I collapsed (in the early weeks) were days spent as a family with D and her kids. I would worry if we were getting on H nerves, her talking too much, the kids being too loud or naughty. It was terribly stressful. But now that my paranoia has worn off and I can see how much H has changed almost back to his old self, I haven’t collapsed since.

I gave up smoking 20 years ago and basically replaced it with wine, as a kind of reward. I know, it’s mad. He is concerned but I don’t think he thinks he’s in any position to say anything.

Now that H has been home 6 months, I can’t use stress as an excuse anymore so I’m going to read that book again.

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Westo,

Be kind to yourself. You've admitted the situation and at some point, you will need to figure out how to deal w/the wine situation. You've been strong throughout your h's crisis, so that tells me that if you put your mind to it, you can quit. You may need a little help in doing so, but my faith in you is very strong.

For now, the excuse is becoming less and less. It's a new year and a time to reflect and make those changes that you think you need to make in order to be happy and healthy.

BTW, there is no harm in having a few talks w/your h. Keep them straight forward and in a calm voice. Try not to use the "you" and point fingers...but I know you can do this.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job, and thanks for your faith in me,

Yes I will address this, when I make my mind up to do something I will achieve it.

Last year H brought a suitcase of clothes he said he didn’t wear anymore and put it in our garage. It took a lot for me not to open it.

Our GD who is only six years old came over this morning wearing her leather jacket...she looks so cute in it.

H said “I’ve got a leather jacket too, in the garage”. I raised my eyebrows and said “I’ve got one too along with jeans...but haven’t worn them for years”. “What on earth made you buy one?”.

His answer? “I dunno, must have thought I was in my forties and not my fifties”.

I just looked at him with an expression of....oh dear. I now wonder if, when he packed those clothes in that suitcase, he was moving into the acceptance stage that Hearts Blessings mentions as the last stage.

And today, he finally accepts it. I honestly believe so.

Let’s hope he doesn’t bring that jacket in the house!

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I'm intrigued by the timing between when you now believe your H to have entered the acceptance stage, and when he finally came home. Can you recall when last year your H put the suitcase in the garage?


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Hi devvo,

Right, let me think. He left on 8th March 2016.

I hadn’t spoken or heard from him for a year almost to the day until he heard I had been diagnosed with breast cancer in May 2017.

We talked about reconciliation in the July and I think he brought the case later that year, maybe October?

Didn’t seem that long ago, I’ll look back on my past posts to check.

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Good Morning Westo

I think it is great that you shared about the wine. It shows your desire to change that. I also imagine it feels better and freeing. From what I’ve read from your posts, you are a determined person, once you out your mind to something you will achieve it.

I have a thought / suggestion regarding this and H.

I agree with you, H is probably concerned and feels he is in no place to say anything. If he is entering reconnection / acceptance, overburdening him with more responsibilities would most likely not be wise.

All that being said, talk to H about this problem and your desire to overcome it. Include him in the solution, in the support you are seeking. No blame. No finger pointing. No mention of stress or other potential causes, he will unfortunately guess enough on his own.

I see an opportunity here. If this is really about MLCers growing up, you can demonstrate to H some very valuable lessons. Being open and honest about a deep problem and reaching to your partner for support and acceptance. In your actions you can show him how to deal with his own deep concerns. He will follow your lead, will learn through you, this could be such an opportunity for growth.

You gain a valuable supporter and he gains a valuable role model. This can be good for you and him, separately and together.

I am not thinking you have long conversations with him and seek advice. You are just including him, showing trust, and how to trust again. Just little steps for him, maybe for you as well. Depending on how he responds I am sure you can figure out where to go from there.

In the end, being a lighthouse is really all about you.

Be his lighthouse.

DnJ


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Wow DnJ,

Your words made me well up, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I did speak to him last night about reading that book again.

He didn’t say anything, just nodded as if to say.....”good”.

H hasn’t done anything regarding the yard, garden etc since 2013 (he just wasn’t interested) and it shows. The place is a mess. The garage is full of rubbish and everything in it is going mouldy as there is no air circulating. I basically have a path through to the freezer and dryer.

Since he left, I’ve painted the outside and hired gardeners to mow the lawns. I’ve also done some decorating inside, but the slabs need pressure washing and the guttering needs cleaning etc. You know.......the man stuff!

I was determined not to mention the state of the garage or outside to H and hoped in time he would address it himself. Well, he’s cleared most of the garage, taking stuff to the dump in the last couple of weekends. I’m hoping when he’s finished and the weather gets better he’ll get the pressure washer out but I’m not saying anything. I know that when he does, the interest in our home will have returned which will be significant in him coming out of depression.

I can’t wait for spring, January is such a miserable month here!

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Hello, i have only read back a bit of your thread. Yes. Your husband is very lucky. And i wish you the best of luck.

It takes a lot to be able to recognize an addiction. I think its the first step to healing. Now i do not know the details of your alcoholism. But alcohol can be a very dangerous drug to withdraw from and i hope you do it under medical assistance.


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Hi JujuB,

Thank you for stopping by. I’m afraid that what you wrote is wrong. Controversial I know, but I stopped for three months last year with no affects whatsoever.

It’s all in the mind. The only thing was I found it difficult to get to sleep for the first three or four nights. That was it, in fact it was far easier than giving up smoking.

I have to read the book again though, it basically brainwashes the reader and at the end you just stop and don’t miss it at all.

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Im glad that you never had any problems with withdrawal. I dont know your background or history of addiction. Obviously, every ones physiology is different. But you can google chronic alcoholism and delirium tremors. Its scary. I have had to call ambulances for pts experiencing these. Its something i wouldnt take lightly.


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Dear Westo,
It took immense courage to share about this. I encourage you to read, do research and perhaps even check out a 12 step program in your area, keeping an open mind about all you learn. You do not have to live this way. You've come through so much my dear, now it's time for you to take care of yourself. I have the utmost faith in your ability to do so.

Much love,
-Bttrfly


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
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That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Originally Posted by Westo
Thanks Job, and thanks for your faith in me,

Yes I will address this, when I make my mind up to do something I will achieve it.

Last year H brought a suitcase of clothes he said he didn’t wear anymore and put it in our garage. It took a lot for me not to open it.

Our GD who is only six years old came over this morning wearing her leather jacket...she looks so cute in it.

H said “I’ve got a leather jacket too, in the garage”. I raised my eyebrows and said “I’ve got one too along with jeans...but haven’t worn them for years”. “What on earth made you buy one?”.

His answer? “I dunno, must have thought I was in my forties and not my fifties”.

I just looked at him with an expression of....oh dear. I now wonder if, when he packed those clothes in that suitcase, he was moving into the acceptance stage that Hearts Blessings mentions as the last stage.

And today, he finally accepts it. I honestly believe so.

Let’s hope he doesn’t bring that jacket in the house!


He put the jacket in his wardrobe, Job what could this mean? It’s too big for him now anyway.

If I’d bought and warn a black leather mini skirt through my MLC, I’d throw the darned thing in the bin!

But then, he’s not me and I’m not him.....

Apart from that, he’s progressing nicely.

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In my opinion, when the jacket was in the garage, he didn't feel like he was home, but a visitor of some sort. By putting the jacket in the closet...well, it's his way of recognizes that he feel safe and at home. You will see more of the "moving in" happening in the weeks/months to come. Whatever you do, just observe, listen and if he asks for your opinion give it on this "moving in". The less you say about it, the better for now. There will come a time when he will open up more and talk about things to you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job,

I’ll continue to observe and say nothing.

Stopped the wine a week now and just getting on with life. It’s my MIL birthday meal tomorrow night.

Just sparkling water with a slice for me!

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Years ago I remember hearing an interview with the then former Premier of Alberta - Ralph Klein. He was a heavy drinker and had been for pretty much his whole adult life.

He was commenting that one of the great things he was surprised with when he quit was not waking up with a hang-over. There certainly are some mornings when those words ring in my own head.

Well done on "behaving" yourself. ((Westo))


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Ha ha, thanks Andrew, at least I know that I won’t let my big fat gob run away with itself tonight!

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Westo

You are different now

He is different now

Maybe the new H likes the leather jacket

And was afraid you would not like it and the new him

The fact he put it in the closet means he wants to keep it

And is more comfortable around you

So do not be surprised if he wears it

And do not criticize him if he does so

This is a new relationship

There is a lot to discover


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi Gordie,

The jackets he wears regularly are hung in the under the stairs cupboard.

I’m wondering if putting the leather one in the bedroom closet is maybe a little remaining act of defiance?

I wonder if I hadn’t rolled my eyes and asked him what possessed him to buy it, may have stopped him from binning it.

Do you know what I mean?

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I know what you mean

Maybe he did not like your response

Instead of saying so

He is demonstrating that

Demonstrating his independence


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
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Well,

We had a lovely evening and both his parents looked very happy that all the family were there. Unlike last year when H couldn’t be bothered to attend his dads 80th or his mums birthday meal two weeks later.

MIL gave me the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek I’ve ever had in all the 30 years I’ve known her. Is haven’t seen them since a christening a year last October, which H didn’t attend either.

In fact, I’m hard pressed to remember any affection from her!

D said H looked very happy last night, laughing and cracking jokes like he used to do before BD, and he was very affectionate when we went to bed (no sex) just very cwtchy.

He’s a man of very few words (unless he’s talking about work or rallying) on that score, it’s all about actions with him and I believe it was his way of showing he’s grateful for the lovely evening and the normality of it, like it used to be.

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This is so lovely Westo. I love how pleased and welcoming your in-laws were. I suppose that shows your H was not trying to bad-mouth you during the time you were S. Or if he ever did, they saw through the blame as him trying to justify his actions.

I'm trying to remember - did your H ever mention D in the time he was away? I recall he left a note and was gone, and you had long periods of NC. It sounds like he indicated he was unhappy, but did he ever tell you what his plans at the time were? Such as - "I want a D" or "I need space" or even "I don't know what the future holds". I'm curious what he thought he wanted at that time, if you know.

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Hi Yail,

No H never mentioned D, just the “I don’t love you anymore”. He did say in one of his emails that he knew he was acting out of sorts since BD but couldn’t do anything about it at that time. He said he had to find his way through it all himself.

So that’s when I stopped contact. I actually (for probably the first time) listened to what he was telling me rather than just hearing it.

He was never, what I would call a true WAS as my first H was. He’s always paid the mortgage and all the bills.

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Westo,

I am so proud of you for recognizing your problem and taking steps to improve it. This is a huge gift of love for you and your H. Just like Gordie's thread, I think there is evidence of relationships that will be much better than what they were before.

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Thank you One....

Yes, I believe that I am now seeing a better relationship forming. Now it’s been over 6 months (7 now) since he came home, I had made up my mind that I will start this new year alcohol free.

I had run out of excuses and it was time to call an end to my relationship with wine. It’s a new beginning and time for change.

They say to be the best version of yourself you can be, so stopping was a must for me smile

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Best wishes for you new resolution. depending on where you were at, that can be difficult. You can do it and yes a better you will be there at the end. Good luck


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S11 & S13
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Almost two years ago when I was waiting for treatment for breast cancer in our local hospital, I told H ( who had just made contact after a year) that I wanted a miniature Dachshund puppy.

He asked how much would one be, too much I answered! Tomorrow we are picking little Hector up.

He’s never been bothered about having a pet but after returning home now eight months, I’ve never seen him so up for it. I always knew that I would never get the big I’m sorry and I love you lark....it’s just not him.

Action not words is what he’s all about and I know this is his way of showing how sorry he is. I now that this little pup is going to focus my mind away from what he did...like my cancer diagnosis did.

I still think of the hurt 24/7, but I will have something else to focus on, and I’m glad for that.

He’s very much like his old self now, even teasing me and making me the butt of his jokes to the kids like he used to do. But not since around 2014....that’s how long and how detached he got.

My paranoia and sensitivity have almost gone now...things are getting back to ‘normal’.

It really is a marathon and not a sprint. My advice to all you newbies?

Listen and believe everything Job says.

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Westo, I'm so glad to hear this update. I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were. I'm glad to hear you'll have a new little pup in the family! That's great fun! Hector is an adorable name for a little guy of that breed. Perfect!

Thank you so much for documenting your story and process over the past few years. Your H and my W sound a bit similar in their leaving and not doing the "touch and go" game. Which should not be a comfort to me but it is. I just feel comfort in knowing I'm not the only person who has ever faced this. I value reading how similar and how different everyone's situations are.

The great thing for me about this board is less about where we are at here and now - but more about the documentation of where everyone has been over a period of years. We see the changes that each person went through as they were living it, and how they felt at the time. Knowing we all feel the same way is a great comfort. The archives of this board are pure gold for this reason.

I hope you continue to post and update a bit, but I'm sure now that your H has returned you'll update a bit less frequently. I'd just like you to know that while you probably weren't thinking about it at the time, your posts of your process really do help the next "generation" (for lack of a better word) of folks.

So now the real question: Will Hector come with a Designer Purple Pooper Scooper? Or will that be H's job laugh

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I am so excited for you and your family! You are getting a puppy! You will love Hector to bits. I love Dachshunds!

I am glad to read that things are slowly but surely returning to normal for you and your family. It's been a long haul, but it has been worth it in the end. You may never get a "I'm sorry for what happened", but his actions are speaking louder than words. Who knows....down the road, when he's more comfortable in his own skin, he just might fool us all and say "I'm sorry". But for now, take those actions as his gestures of sorrow and make each and every day count.

You are one of the lucky ones.

Let us know how things work out with the pup. I can't wait to hear about him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Westo...... I have never posted on your sitch, but have followed along with everyone else.

Congrats on the positive changes happening in your marriage. You have given me strength to know that things can work out if we are trusting, patient and truthful to ourselves, thoughts and feelings.

Congrats on the new puppy. Dogs have a way of bringing such happiness into our lives.

SKM

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Thank you Yail, Job and skm,

Hector is getting very spoilt, and he is absolutely adorable. It’s really nice to know that my story is helping others on here and is the reason I still post updates.

I know that my sitch is the exemption rather than the rule here but I do think it shows that with empathy and patience towards a partner in crisis that if they do come out of it, that reconciliation can happen.

But it does take an awful lot of work, from both the LBS and the MLCer.

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You said it sister!

Did you ever go through a period when you weren't sure whether you wanted him back or not? If so, how did you resolve it? If not, why do you think that was?

If you don't mind my asking.

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Hi One,

I did have moments, yes. There were times when I thought if I was financially stable enough would I take him back.

But, I kept remembering the man he was before the crisis and how much we loved each other. He was always a kind, funny and reliable man to all of us in the family, not just me.

I was never in any doubt that he would come through in the end, and that’s what kept me going. His essence has returned and he’s almost back to normal and it’s now getting to be as if those few years never happened.

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I am glad it is beginning to feel like those bad times never happened. That must be a great place to be. I am not sure they should ever be forgotten though. When things go well, people tend to slip into destructive patterns again. A spiteful comment here, a taken for granted action there and all of a sudden another BD.

I am not saying that solely for you but the hard work it took to get that far needs to be a lifelong effort to keep the M important and happy. Not an easy task, but I am sure that surviving crisis can give the insights necessary to make it last

Best wishes and congratulations for the rugby!!


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
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Hi Roist, oh I agree absolutely.......the work will continue forever. It has to.

Thanks for the congratulations.....we are very proud of our team, Cymru am byth!

Last edited by Westo; 03/18/19 11:38 AM.
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I find your honesty and humility refreshing in a world where we bury too much. Even you admitting that you have to drink STFU smoothies is a breathe of fresh air as it shows the work this takes.

Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. When we know better we can do better!

Hope you are happy.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Thank you HaWho,

I have to remind myself all the time do I want to be right or happy? He went out last night on a retirement do and didn’t come home until the early hours.

I have to keep telling myself, he was always the last turkey in the shop, never coming home early. It’s not a recent thing. And not to take it personally. I had hoped he would leave at nine (like he said he would) but no.

Through all this I’ve learned to love myself, be empathetic and not to judge people. I’ve become a better person, parent and grandparent.

I’ve learned that reconciliation is not easy by any means and I really have to do 180’s and shut that gob!

It’s been the hardest three years of my life but also the most precious and in a weird way, I wouldn’t change it.

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hi Westo, you sound great! yes, do you want to be right or be happy - great words to ask oneself regularly. Xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
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Hi bttrfly,

Thanks for popping by. Things are going well. Our new pup, while a lot of work, is a blessing! He keeps me so busy I don’t have time to dwell on the past.

I’ve gone from thinking about it 24/7 to hardly at all. I think H welcomes this distraction too. Hector has become our baby and gives us common ground and experiences after years of none.

He makes us happy and makes us laugh, which we both (obviously) needed.

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Quick update,

H has been home a year today. It’s been a very difficult year. It’s been a lot harder than I imagined.

Yesterday, out of the blue, he said he was going to buy a trampoline for our grandkids, and he did.

Spent 2 hours building the flipping eyesore, and it’s now on our decking. This is the first time in about 5 years he has done this. It was always me who would suggest buying something.

The joy in his face when the kids saw their surprise was wonderful. He can’t say sorry to them for what he did, but he’s trying.

It’s exactly what Job has always said. If they do come back it takes up to two years for them to become as they were.

Today at Sunday lunch he was so back to normal, telling our granddaughter that there was a cute dog out of the window and when she looked, he pinched her roast potatoes.

That’s how he used to be, way back in 2013.......we so missed this.

Our DIL who only met him in 2014 said he laughed so hard the other day. She’d never seen it before.

It’s so sad what these MLCers go through, as do we LBS, very similar but also different.

I’ve made it plain to him that I have given him one chance. He won’t get another.

But I am confident that he won’t go through this crisis a second time.

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Gosh, that year went by quickly, but it was worth every minute for your H to get back to normal Yes, reconnection and building a new relationship takes a lot of hard work, patience and time...but it has paid off for you and your family. I am so very happy that things are looking so good after all of this time.


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Thank you Job, and your support for the most difficult time in my life. I know that what ever throws at me, from now on, I can handle it, thanks to you and my mates on here.

Again, thanks to you, Andrew, Bttrfy, Coly, DnJ, Gerda, Roist......gosh there are so many over the years.

Thank you all, I love you and will always be here for you.

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Wow! Has it been a year already?

You have so very much to be proud of.

Big cwtch to you my friend ((((Westo))))


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Good Morning Westo

What a wonderful update. Very nice to see H is more his old self. It’s especially wonderful to read about your view of life and the person you are. So very pleased for you and your family.

I am happy for you, and proud of you.

DnJ


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Thank you Andrew and DNJ smile

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Westo, I always have secretly lurked on your thread (I really don't mean to sound creepy). I'm so pleased for you. I hope you and H and Hector are having a lovely time.

When the time came, you let your H go. And I do think that made all the difference. You lived your life and let H live his, which to me shows the ultimate respect. Just because your H loved you once, does not mean he was obligated to love you in the same way forever - so you let him figure that out for himself. And meanwhile you kept on loving yourself, your family, and your life.

I have so much respect for the grace in which you've lived through what is a difficult time.

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Westo my dear one so happy for you and very proud of you as well give hector a smooch for me xoxoxo


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S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

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A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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Happy anniversary. I am happy for you.


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Working on it alone since Oct 2014
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Thank you so much for your kind words Yail, Hector has been a blessing, we are potty on him!

Bttrfly, thank you too. I’ve given Hector a big cwtch from you smile

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Yail, great words for us all to live by.

Happy Anniversary, Westo, you brave and victorious girl! Wish I had mastered your funny (Welsh?) sayings so I could throw one in here. Thanks for all you taught us via your journey.


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Thank you roist, our posts must have crossed as I’m only just noticing in replying to Gerda.

Thank you Gerda, those Welsh sayings must sound rather comical your side of the pond, my accent is even funnier!

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I would LOVE to hear that accent. This very morning! That would be such a lift. Thinking of you with love and admiration for all you have done and are doing and your wisdom and wit!


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Wait for the Lord with courage.
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Tom Jones is Welsh.


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Gerda,

If you look for a U.K. comedy called Gavin and Stacey, I sound like the characters Nessa and her uncle wink

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Westo Offline OP
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Oh Lordy......

It’s our 20th wedding anniversary on the 27th. Finding an appropriate card is proving very difficult.

Unsurprisingly they are soppy and gushing.........(insert rolleye emoji here).

It’s simple things like this that doesn’t occur to you when you are wrapped up in the perceived (romance) of reconciliation.

I think I’ll just go for a comedic card. frown

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you could always make your own?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Westo - Congrats on your anniversary!

Cards are really tough. They never seem to say the exact thing we want to convey. Why don't you pick a blank one and write your own thoughts? You've got a few weeks to mull it over to figure out exactly what you want to say.

I understand perfectly why this is tough for you. Good luck!


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
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Thanks Bttrfly and Grace,

Actually there are no words I want to put in writing. I feel he’s put me through so much, there is nothing I can think to write.

I think a joke one with ‘all my love Westo’ will have to do. I know he’s been back a year but it only seems like a couple of months.

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Good Morning Westo

Congratulations on your upcoming 20th anniversary.

I agree the sopping gushy care doesn’t fit - right now. A comedic card will work fine.

However, I do like the idea of a personal message or thought. I’ve adopted this since BD with everyone I have given a card too, even my wonderful house cleaner. Just a sincere heartfelt thought.

Ha - a heartfelt thought, is a funny way of saying it. Find feelings that are in sync with your thoughts. A heartfelt thought isn’t a thought, or just a feeling, it is that deeper union of the two.

Kind of like you and H. A deeper union.

Of course, as you have noticed, I do like to scribe the soothing word. How about:

- - - -
H

Happy 20th Anniversary.

The last year has passed,
seeming like only months.

20 years, our paths entangled,
and I am happy to still walk with you.

All my love,

Westo
- - - -

Just a suggestion. Maybe it sparks something, maybe not.

20 years is a wonderful milestone.

You are a beacon, and can shine as bright as you choose too.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Westo Offline OP
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That’s a wonderful idea DnJ. I’ll get a joke card and write those or very similar words inside.

Thank you!

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Happy Anniversary a few weeks early.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks Job smile

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Westo, just came back from seeing fellow Welshmen, The Alarm. Mike Peters still brings it. Great show! Do you like them?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi B!

I wasn’t a ‘fan’ so to speak, but am familiar with the band.

Days after my breast cancer diagnosis there was a program about him and his wife of about 30 years.

H has suffered from cancer for years and she was also diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo chemotherapy.

I think they met the same year as H and I, it was a fascinating program which H made a big point of watching. He was the one who actually told me about it.

They are a lovely couple, truly devoted to each other. I think that program really helped H with my cancer at the time. It certainly helped me, because mine wasn’t anything as serious as Mikes’ wife.

They are a very brave couple. I’ll see if I can find it on YouTube and post the link.

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that would be great. both were in great shape last night. he made a point to say they've been through some dark times, but are grateful to be on the other side and alive.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I can’t find it .


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A round up of my experience of my H in MLC.

I met my H in 1987. He had two sons, 3 and 9 months from a previous relationship, he was 22 years old. I had a daughter 4 from my previous marriage and I was 26 years old. We were extremely happy and had our son in 1991. We eventually married in 1999, with our son giving me away.

In March 2014 a business venture my H had worked on for three years (while also working continuous night shifts on his normal job) while a success, did not change his life and our finances in the way he thought it would.

It caused (unbeknown to me) considerable debt and we nearly lost our home. Almost instantly I witnessed the change in him. The light went out in his soul and the sparkle had left his eyes. His family and friends also noticed this change.

He was always a lovely kind man that everyone loved (especially my daughter), not a man of many words but when he did, would have us all in fits of laughter. This all changed. He became withdrawn, jovial no longer. Gone off sex (which suited me at the time......almost 30 years of the same thing!). And became a little snappy, even with our granddaughter, which was very unusual. I knew he wasn’t right but I was busy with work, home, grandkids etc and thought everything would be fine, given time.

We had drifted apart so much that by the time he left (while I was at work) almost 2 years to the day of the ‘failed’ venture, we were literally just cohabiting in the same house. He (still on night shifts) coming to bed when I got up.

He had met someone and after a couple weeks moved in with her and was adamant our marriage was over. I didn’t believe it was.

Anyway to cut a very long story short. I came across this site and decided (after pleading, crying etc, which DOES NOT WORK) I would do everything the vets and Job advised me to do, or more importantly how not to behave.

I let the man go on his journey and I proceeded to take the chance I’d been given, to go on mine. He continued to pay the mortgage and all the bills. I gave up my part time job three weeks after he left as I just couldn’t function and he took the car anyway, so I couldn’t even get there, even if I’d wanted to.

I hadn’t heard from him for nearly a year until he found out about my breast cancer. That is what finally ‘woke him up’. He told me that he still loved me the R with the OW wasn’t what I thought it was and that he felt he’d been living in a dream and one day he’d wake up and be home.

It took another year for him to move back home. I thought (or hoped) everything would settle and the old H would emerge within a few weeks.

Not so, as Job has said many times. It took 18 to 24 months to BD, it takes a similar time for them to ‘come back’.

H has been home now 15 months and it’s been a trying time. Reconciliation is not what I spent months hoping it would be. He rarely came to me for affection, just a reciprocated hug when he got home from work, nothing more. Sex was rare and not very loving, just going through the motions, I felt.

So a year ago I stopped approaching him with a hug and just got on with my day, with our little pup, that he bought me back in the spring. He’s been an absolute blessing. He’s more like our baby and sleeps with us, he’s so spoilt. He’s given me a focus and also a common interest for H and me.

A few weeks ago H was away for over a week, organising a motorsport event. It’s an annual thing that he has done for over 10 years, which he loves. Since then he’s a changed man.

He’s the man he was prior to 2014. He’s loving, affectionate and in his words “got my mojo back”. He acts like he used to, grabbing me and getting all randy. I had wanted him to be like that for so very long and honestly wondered if he ever would be like his old self ever again.

Sex was always a comical thing between us and we’ve had to get our son to have the dog in his room for us to get down to it, which is a little embarrassing. We can’t even cwtch (cuddle) without the dog going nuts.

So H came up with a plan the other day. He stuffs the dog’s toy (called a Kong) with treats and chucks it on the bedroom floor so we can get affectionate. H calls it Kong night (rolleyes) and thinks he’s hilarious putting a K on the calendar to mark these events, which are every couple of nights now.

This is exactly what he was like for the first 26 years before he went downhill in 2014. So I haven’t felt attractive or loved by him in 5 years. So.....yes it’s been very hard, his MLC. Or rather our MLC as I I’ve been through the H3ll of it too.

We have turned a corner after 15 months of him being home, just as Job has said over and over. It takes a similar time frame for them to get back to what they were. MLC really does last up to 7 years. It really is the marathon these vets here say it is.

For the newbies here just starting out, I’m so sorry you are here but please, let them go.

Be that beacon for them while they go on their journey, but make sure you go on yours and learn about yourself and what you want in life. I know I’m the exception rather than the rule here.

The majority here don’t reconcile, but that could be due to a number of things.

They don’t come back here to post if they did, the LBS moved on by the time the MLCer came out of the tunnel, and there must be a percentage here on this MLC forum who weren’t in actual MLC.....they just had enough and wanted out of the marriage.

What is advised here is invaluable whatever the outcome. Dig deep and take good care of you.

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I am so happy that things have finally turned the corner for you! The hard work of reconciling is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of patience and understanding to know that the time it takes for them to enter the crisis will take just as long, if not longer, for them to come out the other side.

Congratulations! I wish you your hubby many, many years of happiness.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Westo Offline OP
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Thank you Job smile

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Westo, what a nice update and summary of your situation. There are a couple of things to your situation that I think bear pointing out for someone new to this experience. Your husband never ceased being financially responsible and he was not cruel in his treatment of you (though I'm sure the pain was very real nonetheless). I think that speaks to the foundation that still remained for you both.

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Hi Own,

Yes, I absolutely agree. My first H was a WAS. Never paid another bill, and I managed to sell our home before it was repossessed.

There is a marked difference between the two. I know I’ve put a couple of updates on here before but (as you’ve pointed out) there are newbies that may see some parallels with their sitch.

I think we all remember how desperate we were when we first got here to read a ‘happy’ ending from someone, whether they reconcile or not.

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I can see I’ve reached eleven pages and Job will come along soon to ask me to start another thread.

This will be my last, as long as nothing major happens.

I wish everyone good health and happiness and will continue to read here most days to keep tabs on you all smile

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Originally Posted by Westo
I think we all remember how desperate we were when we first got here to read a ‘happy’ ending from someone, whether they reconcile or not.
Thanks (((Westo))) I know that I was certainly one of the doubters out there. I'm so very happy for you.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Yep, it's time for a new thread and I'm locking this one now. Please come back to visit more often.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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