Saturday Siesta

[doodler]

My next vehicle which was a badly beat up Honda CM400T motorcycle didn't come along until I was in my early 20s and had been long moved out from home.

Andrew,

You scurvy beaten dog, I knew there was some heavy metal in there somewhere. You've been staggering down the boulevard of broken dreams (nod to Green Day) far too long. You need to get out of the rut. Here's the doodler Rx: Get yourself a Harley. Not one of those touring Harleys (boring), but a real Harley. You need a hard tail with an ape hanger. Then, you hook-up with a biker babe. You know the type; bra-less with some butt cheek showing. Then, ride your biker babe down to Daytona for bike week. I'll even let your scrod @ss stay at my house for a night or two. And, I won't make you shower or brush your teeth.

[AndrewP]

LOL - one of the first dates my ex and I went on was to see Easy Rider.

If I were to get another bike - highly unlikely - I would go for a vintage Norton Commando. Right around when I got married (and was looking at a Virago) they introduced the Harley Fat Boy which for a production bike was a pretty sweet ride too.

Since I live in a rural area, I'd have to pick one of my cousins who does certainly dress the biker babe look despite being in her late 60s. She is pretty cute though although I keep suggesting that I could teach her how to sew up her ripped jeans. She is more in to 4X4s than bikes. She did quite like the big beard and long (chest length) hair I used to have as well. And yes, the long hair, big beard and bow tie look works well. I still wear the ties, the hair got chopped off right after bomb-day and the beard only appears in the winter and is kept well trimmed. People change.

Having a bike was fun and worked well when I lived in an urban area. Do a quick Google for HoverBike Dubai. Now that is sweet!

It's pretty unlikely that I'll get another bike. I sold my CM400T probably 12 years ago after it sat in the shed for 5 or 6. I now drive a Corolla with 500,000+ km on it.

[DonH]

I think you know that it isn't going anywhere with CL. I also think you know it COULD go somewhere with FSL. CL is safe, and you feel like you are in some sort of relationship, but you are not and that is a safe spot for you. The illusion is safer than the reality, but it is something to you. Because I do think your heart still lies with your ex. And I get it. 30 years is nothing to sneeze at.

[/quote=AndrewP]Thanks (((Ginger))) I think that generally speaking that you are completely right about everything you've said.

I'm happy to see you are admitting this Andrew as half the battle of dealing with pretty much any problem or issue is admitting that it exists in the first place. Now having admitted it, perhaps the rest of us here need to provide the same continued help and support that we would to someone newly arriving after having received a bomb drop. We need to keep you out of fantasy and back solidly in reality. Feeding into what is pretty clearly illusion might be safe but in the long run it's making things worse and is certainly not rewarding in any way. At six months in, if CL was going to move things along, she would have. Might she after her D? Who knows? What we all do know is D is not the end game for heeling. She will have much more to do even after the D is finished. That could be a LONG LONG time from now.

It's getting to nearly a perfect time of year as even Canada celebrates new years and starting a new year is the perfect time to move in a new direction. If you are not ready Andrew, perhaps talking with a professional could help get you closer. Ginger mentioned modeling for the kids. That too is a huge, huge issue for me - I'm sure for you as well. Saying that the kids have already witnessed an unhealthy R is hardly an excuse to have them witness more unhealthy behavior! The single largest role model for any child is the same sex parent. S24 is learning how to be a man in large part from what he sees from you. For sure it's very healthy that he does not see you being mean or disparaging your ex - that's very healthy. But seeing his father like a beaten dog that still comes home - what could possibly be healthy about that?

Rather than Andrew being placed on a shelf, it's beyond time for CL to be placed on the shelf. It doesn't mean that she will never be in your life in the future - it just means now is not even close to that time. I'm also not suggesting that you have to join an OLD site, go on several dates a week or anything of the sort. But it doesn't have to be one or the other. There are other things you can do to put yourself out there. And if it really is CL that you are hoping will take notice, there is nothing that might get her to take notice more than you going on a few dates with other women. It increases your value as CL will wonder what she might be missing out on. (hmmmmmm I wonder where I read that LMAO).

I again, hope you are receiving this in the spirit Ginger, Westo, I and the others are offering it. We all need to help each other out here on this board - and sometimes that includes not allowing fantasy to continue to win out over reality.

[doodler]

If I were to get another bike - highly unlikely - I would go for a vintage Norton Commando. Right around when I got married (and was looking at a Virago) they introduced the Harley Fat Boy which for a production bike was a pretty sweet ride too.

I'd totally forgotten about Norton. So many bike manufacturers have come and gone. My first motorcycle was a Hodaka dirt bike. Hodaka is long gone. I remember Bultaco, Montero, Puch, Pentax, and I know there are many more.

I've been lusting for a Ducati Monster. But, after your post, I starting thinking...I've been helping my youngest build his second go kart. It's a two-seater and it's going to be a beast. The cool thing is, I have all of the equipment necessary to build a basic hardtail bike. I'd need to scrounge for an old Harley or Triumph engine and I'd have to buy the front forks, wheels and tires, brakes and ape hanger, but I could do it. I can do it. I think I'm going to do it. This could be fun...

Do a quick Google for HoverBike Dubai. Now that is sweet!

Too cool! I'm going to show the HoverBike to my youngest son. I'm sure he'll want to build one.

BTW, when I was 19 I bought an MGB. It had that notorious British car reliability (or lack thereof), but it was a fun car to drive when it was running. I was drifting before drifting was cool.

[AndrewP]

Chicken milk season is officially started. I have a nice glass of Lait de poule started with nutmeg sprinkled on top and a tot of rum mixed in.

Feeling somewhat better this afternoon than I did this morning. This morning I was really struggling. I could almost feel myself about to break down which I've not done in a very long time. So I forced myself to shower, had lunch at the cafe around the corner that's run by my friend, did the banking and bought myself my Christmas tree which S24 helped me put up. We verified that the overbuilt stand I made last year was firmly attached. I do have 2 cats afterall.

I did have a chance to joke with the lady working at the cafe that had dealt with CL when she went in a couple of weeks ago and had a bad experience. Now first off, this lady works at the cafe to give herself something to do and doesn't get paid. She's helping a friend out for the most part. She's very sweet and takes her "job" there quite seriously - and makes a variety of really great soups. She did confirm the impression I had from the owner that CL did not impress anyone there. Certainly a strong red flag to me. Yes, there were problems but how you deal with them especially when it "doesn't matter" is a big indicator to me of the sort of person you are.

Rather to my surprise I got an email from my ex this morning thanking me for sending over the mis-directed email I had received and also wishing me a Merry Christmas. I really don't know / yes he does know - why I sent that email. It does make me feel good to get a response. And yes - I would be shocked beyond words if she reaches out again.

While I was out and about and busy I think I figured something out about why the nostalgia is hitting me so hard this year. Christmas year 1 I was an absolute mess, in denial and it was all a blur. Last year I was in the midst of finalizing the divorce and had a lot of anger. This year - well - I'm largely over it. I wrote on the other forum I participate on about my struggles with nostalgia and on the hyper-realistic dream I had yet again a day or so ago that featured my ex. It was "comfortable" and representative of the life I had. Part of what bothered me that I wrote about there is the fact that really I don't care what my ex is up to. It was suggested that I was dreaming of comfort and since for more than half of my life that featured my ex, that was the character that my dream defaulted to.

Amusing anecdotes from today. When I picked up my tree the nice lady helping me suggested I drive slowly going home - when I mentioned that I hadn't far to go she responded that she knew where I lived. Rather shocked I asked "should I know you" and she mentioned that she'd gone to high-school with me and we used to both attend the same church after I moved back up to this area. Light dawned. It never ceases to amaze me how many people from all sorts of years ago remember me. I haven't seen this lady in probably 20 years as we stopped going to church when the drama from my ex as we would try to leave got too much for me and I said that she could keep going but that I wasn't. So we all stopped. I also had a random person roll down their window, honk their horn and wave at me as I was on my way to the post office. I waved back at this person who I really have absolutely no clue who they were.

Well - the chicken is milked dry. I suppose I need to figure out what to make myself for dinner. Rum and eggnog does not make a healthy meal although I made pancakes with eggnog one year and they turned out well. S24 appears to be making yet another stir-fry. My roses have survived the last 2 weeks and for the one yellow rose almost 3 weeks. Fresh ones tomorrow along with a hair-cut, visiting the butcher shop etc.

But first I think I'll decorate my tree.

[exquisitetobe]

Hi Andrew!
Rough start of a day.
Reading your last post, it made me go back to the time i started paying attention to my surrounding and reflecting on life itself.
I am glad you notice those weird and simple encounters. I beleive they are important.
They have brighten your day. We are never forgotten. Somebody somewhere have a memory of us without our knowledge just like others might be surprise of our memories of them.
We leave marks of us every single day.

I was struggleing one day. I decided to go drive around just to get my mind off cr*p.
My daughters came along. I did not notice but D18 (12 at the time) said: " jeez mom everybody loves you!!! Every car we met waved at us. "
I started paying attention and i realised that she was right. Maybe not " love "but very friendly acknowledgement.
After that ride came the daily question of :" who was this person ", " where did you meet them" etc and soon, i would here: Sue... Claude... Rocky.. Eric... lol
My kids knew them all.. lol
Those simple act from all of them gave me happiness. It gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.
By paying attention, my days got brighter and brighter each day.

Now, sometimes i see it and sometimes i don' t but i know people do like us very much. And i like them to!

You are a very special person and you left a mark on those people. A good mark otherwise they would have walked right by you. When you feel down, think of those moments.

Now, for the grocery shopping cart accident. I can help you and make it happen if you are willing to drive 10 hours to do your grocery. I work all week-end.. lol
I' ll take you out for supper. I' ll even set you up in the guess bedroom so you do not have to drive another 10 hours right away. You can stay as long as you wish. You are welcome in my home anytime.


Your Christmas tree is very nice. I like the picture of your egg nog. Lol
The first thing that came to my mind was : "unsupervise" .. then it was your cats.. lol

I' ll leave you with a hug and wishing you a wonderful week-end ahead.

[DnJ]

Hello Andrew

Just got caught up with you.

I am glad you had a good vacation. It sounds like you and D26 converse honestly and openly. Her not sharing her feelings towards her mother may just be that, the lack of feelings towards her mother. We are not the only one who get indifferent.

I had read and followed every thread of your’s. (I should insert a humours slightly sarcastic joke comment here, maybe later).

Anyhow, within all the stuff this did stand out, and it may just say something more about me, but I think it does for you as well.

Be it good or not I did talk to D26 about the fact that I could find forgiveness for her mother and that while I was still rather angry that I did not hate her mother.

I hope that wasn’t a typo.

The fact you know you could find forgiveness is excellent. That is a change of mindset that maybe you didn’t notice happen.

Andrew, I am happy for you.

- - - -

The beaten dog reference is sad. I know you well, you are articulate, and chose your words carefully - for the most part. Yes, sometimes you do use poor analogies or metaphors. Perhaps this time is one of those. You meant more of a well worn slipper - maybe.

I do see more parallels to the beaten dog then a article of footwear, slippers don’t come back. Both can get thrown away, lost, and remain where they were left - the dog makes a choice. You are much more than a dog.

You and I have conversed for some time now. I know we have become friends, good friends. We have similar views and lives. I was not in need to get a life, I had a good life, I just had to find it after BD and live it. I think you are of the same idea.

You are happy with your life and content and secure with its sameness and reliability. Indeed a 180 for you would be to ask FSL for a date, and after she says yes have a great time, all while CL is making up her mind or getting through her D - if either of those is actually the case.

That is not within your comfort zone, and perhaps that is the point. If there is a point, I’m not sure I actually have one.

My own toe dipping into the pool of dating was a reaction to some new and exaggerated feelings of infatuation and being wanted. My goodness I was rather shocked at the response from just a toe, if I threw myself in wholeheartedly I would surely be swept away.

I learnt and know I am currently not done with my STBXW. Someday, eventually, if nothing changes with her, I know I will be. And there it is, a point finally - The LBS and their spouse have a connection, a thread that holds them together. We can cut all ties, and one will remain, stretched to what appears to be beyond breaking. It is difficult to just cast aside thirty years of relationship, even for the MLCer or just crazy spouse.

Accepting this and letting go is the way forward. Like everything else we have had to accept, it does not vanish, we just learn to live with it.

I know you have stated you do not believe in MLC. You have stated that your XW does follow the script pretty well, even got a tattoo or a few (so far I have no knowledge of tattoos with my W). It doesn’t really matter (well of course it does or I wouldn’t be trying to soft sell this) - Consider this:

She does follow the script, she exhibited and exhibits running behaviours, confusion, depression, extreme changes of personality, poor choices, even poorer choices of friends, and so on. You do not need to believe in MLC for it to exist. From my point of view your XW is an MLCer. Maybe your definition is different than mine. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck... you know.

Or if you prefer. When all other reasonable explanations have failed to fully explain what the h3ll happened, the impossible explanation is true.

I do not believe that you were a relationship dog or slipper. Her fall into irrational running leads credence to the more likelyhood that you were viewed as that of a partner for 30 years.

Please do not put yourself down. You are an honest and honourable man (could list quite a few qualities but it sounds like a boy scout motto). You deserve someone special and to be treated as special - do not forget that.

You also get to find that person on your terms and in your timeframe. I’m just attempting to open some ideas up for you. To be honest, I see you are stuck, you see you’re stuck, you’ve posted about it. IMO, you are in a bit of denial, that unknown to oneself denying of facts or feelings.

As I said, I have followed you ever since I got here. I feel there is an “a-ha” moment coming to you.

Keep being you and know where you are (look down if needed and find your feet).

Perhaps a narrative that includes a realization of self forgiveness is overdue. Perhaps the follow chapter is also being written and not realized.

DnJ

[AndrewP]

I'm feeling a bit better today. The bright winter sunshine and being around people helped.

Now, for the grocery shopping cart accident. I can help you and make it happen if you are willing to drive 10 hours to do your grocery. I work all week-end.. lol

Thanks exquisite - while I'm sure your grocery store is quite nice, I'd be afraid of things melting during the 10 hour drive back. Although I've been having a hard time getting spinach reliably lately. The store I mainly use (Food Basics) seems to have unreliable deliveries for the last number of months.

The small "general store" across the street gets Sobey's products in though, but reasonably they don't carry much in the way of fresh vegetables. I think the sister store my ex manages does but - well - I don't shop there even if they are one of the few places where you can get beer on a Sunday being an LCBO agency store.

I was able to pick up a duck today for my Christmas dinner. Given that they aren't reliably a stocked item I thought I should grab one now. I did have to pick through them to try to find the smallest one but it's still close to 5lbs. The single lady cashier's line was busy so I went through another queue. As often happens I bump in to people I know and chat. It's funny how some of the people that my ex avoided / didn't care for seem quite nice.

My barber messed up and double-booked my appointment but fit me in anyway. He's been cutting my hair for probably close to 30 years now and we're about the same age. He did say that listening to me and to one other divorced guy who happened to be there that it makes him appreciate his wife a lot more I think he did a better than usual job despite being very tired and also stressed by the double-booking. He's also a volunteer fire-fighter and there was yet another fentanyl call last night that did not turn out well.

I ended up being well ahead of schedule even with a trip to the butcher shop. I still think that the widow who works there would like me to ask her out but then again she's always been quite friendly. At the flower shop there was lots of laughter and FSL was happy that I thought of her S6 when I was in Virginia and that I picked him up a treat. Her mom was working as well and we all had a nice visit. I think her mom is about 10 years older than me and is a sweet lady as well. My winter-time beard is well established and very white this year. No hiding my age.

I had won a signed print a while ago and it arrived in the post late last week and I took it in to get properly framed. The lady who was helping me seemed pleased that I was taking care of such a piece, or perhaps it was that I was spending about $150 on framing a comic strip. It turned out that she knew my mother well - I do like living in a small town.

On my way over to the cafe to get my scone I popped into a new gift shop that opened in the village and picked up a lovely wreath for the wreath holder that I've been putting out every Christmas for the last 10 years sans wreath. I had a funny encounter with the shop-keeper. I think that there are two basic types of single people. Those like me who drop that fact in to conversations especially with attractive ladies and those who just go through life otherwise. She was one of those as well. She's just moved up to the area to look after her mother who has MS and her Dad who has dementia. She dropped the "my brothers and sisters said - well you're single" into the conversation. The topic of kids moving back came up which allowed my usual segue of "I'm surprised S24 moved home with me, his mother's a much better cook". She did make a comment about people "our age" and she does appear to be within a few years of my 54. She seems nice. I expect our paths to cross again from time to time. She says that she also gets scones from the cafe quite regularly.

At the cafe I bumped in to the sister of my next door neighbour who is also single although she was seeing someone this past summer and is a bona-fide biker chick. Big smile and cheerful "hi". She even has her own bike and in the summer also pulls out her muscle car. Not being a car guy I have no idea what it is other than an older classic.

I did hear from CL this morning as well. Her D17 is still recovering from her wisdom teeth extraction - she was under a general. They had gone driving around last night looking at Christmas lights.

Well - time for me to quickly check up on other threads, shift around my laundry and get to more housework. I re-pack the meat from the butcher shop into single servings before freezing including the bacon that I lay out on waxed paper and fan-fold so we can have just one slice (rare but does happen). Things I did even when married but certainly more important as most meals are made for just one person.

Back to work on Monday - blech. My schedule is switched around putting me in the plant close to CL on Thursday and Friday. I'll probably see if she wants to go out. Monday her S13 has confirmation classes and on Tuesday piano lessons so that hasn't worked.

I do expect to have more tough days leading up to the new year. When decorating the tree I came across one ornament that my ex-wife had hand made and asked S24 to pass it on to his mother. Blank look, shrug and it's still sitting out on the counter. I don't think he understand how trivial things like that can bother me.

If it's still there in a few days I'll put it in his room with the rest of the stuff he was supposed to hand over but hasn't for whatever reason. I expect he'll be seeing his mother a couple of times between now and Christmas. But then again, perhaps not.

[Coly23]

AP, just dropping by to say hellooo!

Glad the chicken milk is back out this year, sounds delicious!! :0)

Gosh you sound like your are surounded by single ladies wherever you go! Lots of opportunities to make a first impression!

How did you feel about hearing from your ex? i actually would dread hearing from my H if he ever did contact me. Just the thought if it makes me sick to my stomach when only a few months ago I would have welcomed it and used it as an open door to communicate some more. How things have changed!

You sound like you are doing great AP!

Happy Saturday!!

[DnJ]

Hello Andrew

When decorating the tree I came across one ornament that my ex-wife had hand made and asked S24 to pass it on to his mother. Blank look, shrug and it's still sitting out on the counter. I don't think he understand how trivial things like that can bother me.

If it's still there in a few days I'll put it in his room with the rest of the stuff he was supposed to hand over but hasn't for whatever reason.

I am thinking that S24 doesn’t feel comfortable getting in between you and XW. Visits with his Mom are probably hard enough without bringing reminders of what she has done. She most likely hasn’t progressed as much as you may think or she may act.

As to the blank look and shrug, his is a young man, still figuring out how to behave. He might not feel comfortable speaking back to you. The trivial things are a communication from him. Talk to the lad and see what is up.

Instead of involving S24 just text or call XW and tell her you have these items for her. Would she like them dropped off, mailed, or would she like to pick them up. Whatever the arrangements just you and her, leave S24 out of it. Do not let her talk you into leaving them in the front porch, if she tries that just mail the stuff.

Just an idea, something I’ve observed with my brood. If W and I have something we need to discuss I will not be using the kids, I will contact her directly. If one of the kids offers to take something to her, well that is different. I mean a Christmas card or such, of course I think I would just mail her’s out with all the rest (if I send her one, haven’t decided yet).

DnJ