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#2825707 12/04/18 04:08 PM
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Naps are highly under-rated. Having done well over 30 hours of driving in the last few days naps and I are expected to be good friends for the next while. I think I was in my mid-30s before I realized how great naps really are.

Having ended my last thread with a "mike drop" moment, time to settle back and take it easy for a while. I do still have a plan even if it's not moving in either the direction nor speed that I had in mind. I'm still pretty confident in it though but won't be too shocked if my future isn't what I expect.

Previous Thread - doodler and Andrew play "name that taco"
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2825696&page=1

Early December right now. Life is good but could be better with smooches. None of which seem to be coming my way although I did send CL an invitation for lunch later this week.

Most of what brought me here is in the signature line. Past threads, especially the earlier ones are a lot of angst and drivel (from me). My current state is single dad with a 24 year old son living at home who seems pretty happy about being in the magical house that has beer in the fridge. A 26 year old daughter who lives currently in Virginia with her husband and has as yet to be able to figure out how to create grand-children.

My now ex wife ran off after an OM who she still hasn't caught but she's got stamina. She lives in a probably pretty nice apartment the next village over above the liquor store she manages. She has followed the MLC script pretty much to a "T" including the obligatory tattoos. I think they come as part of the kit. Personally I don't really believe in MLC as described here but there is a script and she's definitely following it. For much of the last year she's been reconnecting with the kids (half-heartedly) and has gone from being an out-going bubbly woman to from what I understand is a very angry person who has pulled the hole in after her. I really do have no clue what is going on with her life.

I have good days and bad days. I've gone on a few dates but nothing serious. It's now well over 4 years since my now ex really went off the rails. Over 3 from when a well-off widower literally fell into her lap. Almost 3 since she told me that she was leaving me. A bit under 2 1/2 from when she actually did leave along with most of the furniture and artwork and her incontinent obese Pomeranian. In that time she has had to endure public ridicule for her actions, has lost most of her friends and early this year, both her parents within days of each other. Her own children know full well what she did and don't have much to do with her although they are polite.

I get nostalgic from time to time. I try to cook and have too much pleasure in making mistakes in the kitchen or general house-keeping. I have grown a network of some really great friends. I got out better than most in my divorce and have a comfortable life.

If you were to ask me "what do you want out of life" and I were to answer honestly, I would suggest that I would ask for the "third wish". The one that undoes the others. But there is no going back. There is only going forward. I can't see my ex having the courage to try to come back in to my life and do know that it would be a bad idea for me to let her in unless she makes some fundamental changes in her sense of entitlement, easy acceptance of her own lies, and her need to dominate and control a spouse appliance. I also can't go all the way back over 30 years and undo the choices that I made then to allow her to take over my life.

Will someone come in to my life who will be a partner? Is it someone who I already know? These questions don't need answers right now. After my nap perhaps.


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[quote A bit under 2 1/2 from when she actually did leave along with most of the furniture and artwork and her incontinent obese Pomeranian][/quote]

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I got out better than most in my divorce and have a comfortable life.


Haha I'll say.

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Originally Posted by AndrewP
I have good days and bad days. I've gone on a few dates but nothing serious. It's now well over 4 years since my now ex really went off the rails. Over 3 from when a well-off widower literally fell into her lap. Almost 3 since she told me that she was leaving me. A bit under 2 1/2 from when she actually did leave along with most of the furniture and artwork and her incontinent obese Pomeranian. In that time she has had to endure public ridicule for her actions, has lost most of her friends and early this year, both her parents within days of each other. Her own children know full well what she did and don't have much to do with her although they are polite.


Andrew,

My marital woes occurred in roughly the same time frame as yours. I don't know much about what's going on in my XW's life, but my sons are with her every other week and they describe her as angry and miserable to be around. Her brother and sister-in-law live a couple of miles from my house and I know that there was some sort of "falling out" with them; my XW never sees them anymore. What's even more unusual is that my oldest son has a class (high school) with his cousin (daughter of XW's brother) and she won't acknowledge him; she won't even say "hi" to him. Strange but true.

They seem to leave a wake of misery in their path...

Originally Posted by AndrewP
If you were to ask me "what do you want out of life" and I were to answer honestly, I would suggest that I would ask for the "third wish". The one that undoes the others. But there is no going back. There is only going forward. I can't see my ex having the courage to try to come back in to my life and do know that it would be a bad idea for me to let her in unless she makes some fundamental changes in her sense of entitlement, easy acceptance of her own lies, and her need to dominate and control a spouse appliance. I also can't go all the way back over 30 years and undo the choices that I made then to allow her to take over my life.


Honestly, I would never have my XW back; nothing good would come of it. What's been did can't be un-did.

A purple Scion, tacos, Turkish locations and mysterious women; are you the Canadian James Bond?

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Originally Posted by doodler
A purple Scion, tacos, Turkish locations and mysterious women; are you the Canadian James Bond?
The name's P. Andrew P.

Not that anyone cares but the talk about unusual cars got me thinking back to my first one. It took me several days but I did finally remember the model of the somewhat unusual "first" car that I had. For some reason on our farm in the back of beyond in Upper Lower Middle Kanukistan we acquired two pseudo British cars. So when I was 16 by virtue of being able to get it running I acquired the use of a (year unknown) blue Vauxhall Viva Estate. Being a British car it had to have it's own eccentricities which for it was the fact that the solenoid on the starter was faulty. Having no money for parts I learned how to lift the engine out (the only way to get to the starter, lubricate it and remount the engine in a short period of time. I also always had a busted jumper cable that I would use to jumper from the battery to the starter to get it going. Not having a licence I only drove it around within a few miles of home.

Since fancy things like antifreeze were beyond my budget when winter came I drained the radiator and dreamed of my freedom the next summer. Then in mid-winter for unknown reasons, my dad decided to start the car and the engine seized up fast. My next vehicle which was a badly beat up Honda CM400T motorcycle didn't come along until I was in my early 20s and had been long moved out from home. My ex FIL swore that his daughter would never ride on such a thing and how he enjoyed scaring motorcyclists. So I then got my fiance a nice set of leathers and some kick-@ss boots and she started riding with me. Her legs were probably far too fat for the boots but they were one of the few pieces of footwear that she took when she moved out leaving behind a large number of others.

Originally Posted by doodler
My marital woes occurred in roughly the same time frame as yours. I don't know much about what's going on in my XW's life, but my sons are with her every other week and they describe her as angry and miserable to be around. Her brother and sister-in-law live a couple of miles from my house and I know that there was some sort of "falling out" with them; my XW never sees them anymore. What's even more unusual is that my oldest son has a class (high school) with his cousin (daughter of XW's brother) and she won't acknowledge him; she won't even say "hi" to him. Strange but true.

They seem to leave a wake of misery in their path...
We were part of the same cohort. I remember it well and your rapid departure from the land of the hopeful. ForGump, CT118 and others have long departed to points unknown. A big part of our wave were thoughtful people like the two I mention who tried so very hard to understand and explain the inexplicable. I think that most have moved on now except for us old codgers sitting in our rocking chairs and cursing the youngsters.

I don't know what my ex's interaction is with her remaining family. I've not heard that she has anything to do with any of them despite her brother and especially her sister being very vocal and active in pushing her to have her affair and move out. Knowing them as I do though I really can't see them being actively supportive of their sister in her difficulties. They never were very interested in her for their entire lives up until they had a chance to mess it up.

Until her affair we only saw them maybe once or twice a year - rarely in our home and they would only call a couple of times a year as well if that.

From what I've read here and elsewhere a lot of middle-aged women who go dancing off to find their happiness do in fact become quite angry and bitter. Now many of them were angry and bitter when they left perhaps as well. My ex certainly was a very angry woman and was probably pretty confused as to why I didn't toss her butt out but kept trying to be her husband.

Given what I understand about the availability of suitable victims for my ex, if she loses the guy she chased after the number is very very small. Especially as compared to the available women in the area my ex is not strong competition. Thinking it through there are about 4 other mature bachelors in my village. No clue how many in her's. But then - they already know her laugh

The co-incidences keep happening - and I did something stupid this morning after thinking about it overnight. Yesterday I got an email from the car dealer we both use the next town over. It appeared that she had service done - probably her snow tires and the email was to ask her to fill out a survey and win a prize. I forwarded it on suggesting that she update her profile and also wishing her and her dog a Merry Christmas. This is the third time that I've contacted her this year. The first was in February I believe when her parents died expressing condolences, the second was on what would have been our anniversary in August when I added a note to the support payment and then now.

I do wonder how much of seeing these coincidences are just a version of wishful thinking on my part. Probably far far too much. I wouldn't be worried if I was being thoroughly smooched but that doesn't seem to be happening. On the other hand if she did see me having a new life would she then pop out of her hole to reclaim her property?

More likely I'm just living in a weird land that makes no sense especially if I look at it closely.

------------------------------

Had a moderately busy day yesterday. Woken up early by a call from work from a person who didn't know I was on vacation. Bought some groceries. I was surprised to get a large parcel from the local electrical utility containing a large number of free LED lightbulbs from a survey I did a few weeks ago. In the afternoon I went to the tattoo place and got yet another laser treatment - the last perhaps? And they did it for free this time as there wasn't too much left to zap. Will this be the last and that bit of reminder of my ex-wife that is literally under my skin will now be flushed away? Do I use far too many metaphors? Well - we all know the answer to that one.

As a weird coincidence at one of the shops yesterday I almost literally bumped in to a woman who I recognized from her Plenty of Fish profile. She seemed nice and somewhat shy. I didn't say hi though but continued on my errands.

After I went out with an old friend for beer and wings. He's an odd friend in that he actually seems to prefer to talk about me and my life rather than his own. He's been a good friend for well over 20 years. While we were out I got a response from CL on my earlier message suggesting that we go out this week. Very little to my surprise it contained a huge list of very legitimate reasons why we can't itemizing the blocking events for each day. Grumble. I joked to my friend that she has me on a lay-away plan. Put down a bit up front but not ready to take delivery.

He very aggressively pushed me that I should be dating FSL. The probably 20 year age difference he felt was meaningless. It got so bad that at one point I did have to ask him to stop. He was very very pushy. Meaning well and probably wanting to protect me from myself / my ex.

Oddly when I got home and was chatting to S24 he also seemed to think that me dating FSL was a good idea and that the 20 year difference wasn't a problem.

Right now, it looks like I won't be doing anything much romantically until the new year. CL will probably be going to Florida fairly soon for a couple of weeks I believe. While I really like FSL and do think that she would in many ways be more compatible with my life-style and also get along with my kids better than CL, for some reason I'm not prepared to take that step.

The old donkey starving between two bales of hay thing hits me yet again.

Well - time to go and do stuff. Today's agenda is house cleaning and inside Christmas decorating. I hope to put up my tree this weekend.


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Remember A, CL can only put you on a shelf as long as you let her.

I am curious as to why you are willing to take that step with a woman who is not ready at all, but not with a woman who shows interest and would be a better match? Why is that?

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Remember A, CL can only put you on a shelf as long as you let her.

I am curious as to why you are willing to take that step with a woman who is not ready at all, but not with a woman who shows interest and would be a better match? Why is that?

I really wish that I had a satisfying answer to that G. I went and put in a load of laundry while I pondered (the excitement of vacation) and then pondered a lot more as I worked on this response over a period of time when perhaps I should have been doing my dusting.

Thank you for asking the question. It needs to be something that is front of mind for me.

In part I think that it's because of the fact that with my ex-wife especially and two other relationships prior to that, that I was the pursued rather than the pursuer. I'm also used to being "property" if that makes sense.

It's a known fact that even a beaten dog will come home frown You follow models that you are used to which is also why people who have been in an abusive relationship will often move to another which is one of the things that terrifies me.

The fact that CL did make those initial steps to pursue me moved her to the front of the queue. I dug around in the past threads and found the one from when she first hooked me back in July.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2802987#Post2802987

To over-use the fishing analogy - she's been pretty good at playing the fish. Giving me enough tugs to keep me handy. At the end of October she perhaps thought that I was slipping the hook and made a push to reel me in by inviting herself to my nephew's stag and doe.

Also lurking in the wings is the Nazgul like figure of my ex-wife. The ghost of a Queen who was. We all know that I'm vulnerable to her - otherwise why would I write about that so much. And again, a beaten dog will come home.

I'm pretty confident that I'm rather different from most of the men you've encountered. Yeah - I'm pretty passive. For some reason and you're probably far far too young to remember this, I thought of the old "Pa Kettle" character. Ma Kettle certainly was in charge but knew that Pa had to be cared for.

Now - this undoubtedly sounds weird to you - but I'm largely OK with "belonging" to someone. It's "comfortable" and what I know. I once joked with a friend that I'm the Samwise Gamgee (not sure you'll get the Lord of the Rings reference) of relationships. Somewhat hard to shake, loyal, always has a piece of rope handy and knows how to prepare potatoes. Po Tay Toes!

One advantage that I do have that I didn't have in the past is that I have friends like you who give me a kick and tell me to lift my head.

CL does have a lot of positive check-marks going for her along with the pretty darned obvious negatives. No partner is perfect. She's age appropriate which perhaps "shouldn't matter" but there's a difference between 54/46(ish) and 54/35(ish) especially if you add another 3 decades on to that on both sides. I undoubtedly would get along better with FSL's S6 than CL's S13 and D17. As a mature person, a potential partner comes as a kit with extra pieces that you have to accept.

Are women who pursue also controlling? Certainly something that is at least peripherally discussed over on J9's thread which I keep an eye on. Is controlling "bad"? I would struggle to answer that question if asked. Again, the harness you wear is what feels comfortable.

So - I've clumsily danced right around your question. 'Cuz I don't have a good answer. Thanks again for asking and I hope I can count on you to kick me again.

Perhaps this Saturday a lovely age appropriate and mentally healthy woman I've not met will run her shopping cart into mine and instruct me that I need to go out to dinner with her to make it right laugh I am willing to spit out the hook that CL has in me but it does fit quite nicely.

Oh - and if you persuade FSL to ask me out - you know her phone number - then she takes over the rod and reel laugh But that would be meddling and while I would find it amazingly funny FSL might not.


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This really made me sad to read. I don't say that to pity you, nor make you feel bad in any way. But it makes me sad - sad for you. There is so much more out there for you Andrew. A beaten dog that still comes home? Is that really how you see yourself?

I read your post from July - which I'm glad you listed as I was wondering how CL had "come into your life." By reading, I'd say at least back then it appeared she may have been interested to some degree. Although how much did her being "tipsy" have to do with that? Regardless, it's just as clear that her interest level is lower now than it was in July - that's just obvious. But yet, it seems okay to you.

It's because I feel bad and want you to have whatever is best for you that I have to ask, is it just safer for you to do whatever it is you are doing with CL than get into a real potential R? It almost seems as if it is. You are nearly six months in, never kissed and still doing lunch get-togethers. I know you call them "dates" but I just cannot and bet she would not either.

Andrew, you deserve more!!!! I know Ginger sees it and believes it. I do as well. Why don't you? Perhaps the "more" is neither with CL or FSL. But with someone! None of us have any guarantee in life going forward. Some live to their 90s - others die much younger. Perhaps things could work with CL, some day. Perhaps not. Either way, do you really want to waste prestigious time waiting? There could be a CL - like lady out there that would be going on real dates with you - every week, traveling with you, kissing you!!!!!!

Again, the very, very last thing I want to do is make you feel bad but sometimes we need the others hear to hold up a truth mirror. You are too nice of a guy to be on a shelf Andrew.


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I agree with every word DonH has written.

You really do deserve more and I also wondered just how “tipsy’ CL was when she stayed with you in July. It’s a well known fact that I’m very friendly when tipsy, making arrangements and inviting people back to mine, when I wouldn’t dream of doing the same thing when sober.

Please stop waiting for her, try a dating site maybe. They seem to be very successful, over here anyway.

Don’t be that beaten dog anymore.

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I really do appreciate you taking the time to answer my question and I hope it really got you to thinking.

I agree with Don and Westo. Why are you being that beaten dog? Why are you OK with that? Is that what you want to model for your Son?

I actually have no problem belonging to someone too. As long as WE belong to EACHOTHER and it's not just a one way street.

You are worth so much more than this. I also agree with Westo that perhaps she was a little tipsy and acting flirty. But since then, she has treated you like an uncle she can confide in. You should be more than that to a lovely lady.

I have an inkling what's going on here, and it's mind reading, but I am going to be bold and say it, and I am sorry in advance....

I think you know that it isn't going anywhere with CL. I also think you know it COULD go somewhere with FSL. CL is safe, and you feel like you are in some sort of relationship, but you are not and that is a safe spot for you. The illusion is safer than the reality, but it is something to you. Because I do think your heart still lies with your ex. And I get it. 30 years is nothing to sneeze at.

My prayer for you is a woman who sweeps you off your feet and does not make you feel like a beaten dog. One who makes you feel like the man you deserve to feel like and that you are. One who will let you be you and not leave you guessing. I think it will happen for you. But there are different things and people you need to let go of first.

I just want to give you a big virtual hug, A.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I really do appreciate you taking the time to answer my question and I hope it really got you to thinking.

I agree with Don and Westo. Why are you being that beaten dog? Why are you OK with that? Is that what you want to model for your Son?
Context is perhaps difficult here.

The "beaten dog" was related to the nostalgia that I feel for my old life. I'm vulnerable to her and have been to speak honestly pretty much the whole time. There are days that I would welcome that old life back despite knowing that it wasn't a healthy relationship. I will often say that the greatest wish of most of humanity is for tomorrow to be like yesterday. This despite most people saying that they want a brighter future.

Allowing myself to be part of an unbalanced relationship isn't what I want to model but my kids also probably saw nothing wrong nor unusual with their parent's marriage. I have noticed though that my daughter is still pretty bitter and has made a bunch of comments about semi-random things that make it seem like she didn't think much of her mother even before her affair.

It is a truism I think that people will often look for what they had in a new relationship. Especially rescuers who are attracted to potential and who want to fix. I see that person in the mirror every morning. And some days he gets tired of telling himself that he should not be walking that path. Perhaps that being part of what is keeping me stuck.

My son does know that I miss his mother as does my daughter. Modeling that I think is a good thing. That bad things can happen and that you don't have to be nasty - although those who read my social media posts might have a different perspective wink At this point I find my perspective of the past to be amusing more often than not especially in the obvious contradictions that existed.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I also agree with Westo that perhaps she was a little tipsy and acting flirty. But since then, she has treated you like an uncle she can confide in. You should be more than that to a lovely lady.

I have an inkling what's going on here, and it's mind reading, but I am going to be bold and say it, and I am sorry in advance....

I think you know that it isn't going anywhere with CL. I also think you know it COULD go somewhere with FSL. CL is safe, and you feel like you are in some sort of relationship, but you are not and that is a safe spot for you. The illusion is safer than the reality, but it is something to you. Because I do think your heart still lies with your ex. And I get it. 30 years is nothing to sneeze at.

My prayer for you is a woman who sweeps you off your feet and does not make you feel like a beaten dog. One who makes you feel like the man you deserve to feel like and that you are. One who will let you be you and not leave you guessing. I think it will happen for you. But there are different things and people you need to let go of first.

I just want to give you a big virtual hug, A.
Thanks (((Ginger))) I think that generally speaking that you are completely right about everything you've said.

The only bit that I might suggest that is different is that looking back I think that she was perhaps having an EA with me unknown to me and building up a fantasy life. In the occasional messages she would send me starting shortly after she booted her STBX out starting a year ago indicate that she was interested in me and paying attention. That family gathering that she came to was a big leap for her to nail me down and fit me into the world that she had constructed for me to be in. It was not a whim but was very very thoroughly planned and premeditated. She had to leave her kids with her mother (if it was an innocent encounter she would have brought them) despite the fact that her son had fallen off his bike and was dealing with some rather nasty road rash the prior day. She had a lot staked on that one afternoon and evening - and it turned out more or less exactly according to plan I think.

Her actions since then seem to have the goal of not letting me wander off such as inviting herself to my nephew's stag and doe when it seemed that I was making other plans. There's a meme out there "Just when I think I have all of my ducks in a row, one of the fluffy fvckers wanders off ". I can almost imagine a sigh of exasperation when she notices me being distracted. But again, none of us especially including me really know what she thinks.

As an aside, she is German and works for the family engineering firm. I'm a cog in the new life she is imagining for herself but is still working on perhaps. I do really get the feeling that she has a plan and even seemed recently to be getting her kids acclimated to the idea of being in this area.

As far as the present or future with her goes I waffle. I don't really know what I want. What I have isn't it certainly. And I remind myself to not get wrapped up in the concept of "potential".

On a far more positive note, it does make me feel great to think that this beautiful, accomplished woman is interested in me. And this isn't the first time either since I've been separated. FSL for example while not highly educated is way beyond what I had originally thought was "my league". She's young, quite attractive, accomplished in a number of areas. I look around and just go "wow". I still remember telling my ex when she was going on before bomb-day on how she was no good for me and that I should find someone else semi-jokingly saying that unless they saw my paycheque that nobody would be interested in me. And my income hasn't been an item of interest or focus to anybody. In fact anyone looking from the outside would imagine my means to be much more modest than they actually are. I drive an old beat-up car, live in a "shabby but neat" house. Other than on rare occasions going on a modest vacation there is no ostentatious show here.

Thanks also Westo and DonH for your kind words.


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