My Story Pt 2

[NicoleR]

Manta,

You may have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I'm sure many of us here have it. There are specific treatments for it so you could try asking your IC about it. My feeling a few months after my husband left was like I was living a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I just couldn't believe it was real. There are few who can understand this level of pain except those who've experienced it. It requires a new level of patience and endurance to get through this.

[Manta]

Manta,

You may have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I'm sure many of us here have it. There are specific treatments for it so you could try asking your IC about it. My feeling a few months after my husband left was like I was living a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. I just couldn't believe it was real. There are few who can understand this level of pain except those who've experienced it. It requires a new level of patience and endurance to get through this.

Perhaps you're right Nicole. I'm a manager in work, just about 2 years now in the role. Its a difficult balancing act, as i have to be strong and assertive in my role. When im finished work daily, I'm exhausted emotionally. I don't know how i got through the last few months. I can't talk about personal problems with my colleagues , they know that I'm having marriage problems, but not the details.

Tomorrow is my Christmas party. I just want to get through it and have a good night. No doubt some people will ask "how are you and your wife?" :s

[Manta]

Got through my Christmas party. It's tough hearing all them Christmas songs, especially about love.

I sent my WW family a Christmas card last week. Not sure they will respond. I really love them all.
I wish all of this never happened. Doing my best, but really struggling right now.

Looking forward to some time off work.

Is there anything i can do?

If my WW messages me over the Christmas, should i respond?

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta,

Congratulations on getting through the party. Did anyone ask about your wife?

For now you can follow what's in the DB book, read other books about relationships and self-improvement, keep deepening your relationships with other important people in your life, grieve, and plan your next steps for both scenarios - your wife coming back and not coming back. It's just so hard. For a while I had one friend who called every night and I'd just cry. Seems you may need your true friends and family to just hold you and help you stay afloat during this crisis. It's a terrible feeling to be this broken but eventually something will happen. Your wife's affair will end and she'll reach out to you, or she'll file for divorce and you'll go through the motions, or you'll file for divorce, or something will happen. Nothing seems to make sense right now but somehow you'll pass through this misery and your life will go on. You said you're planning a holiday. Where will you go? Do you think getting away might help? A change of scenery could be good if it's to a place where you can meet new people.

If your wife messages you over Christmas it seems a simple, short, polite response would be best. For example if she says "Merry Christmas" you can say "same to you."

I'm so sorry for you Manta. Your wife has no idea what she's doing right now. Having an affair is never the right thing to do. If she didn't want to be with you she could have filed for divorce and signed the papers before embarking on a new relationship. Instead she just dove into a new relationship and left you hanging. This is not rational. I saw Sandi's response to you and what she said sounds right but there's always that small chance your wife will wake up and come home. You just have to be prepared for both scenarios and learn to live with uncertainty for a while. I hope not for too much longer.

[Manta]

Hi Nicole, yes a few. Some of my work colleagues don't know and asked: "how is WW keeping, what's your plans for Christmas?"..... Obviously, i just said that we are having marital issues at the moment and i don't really want to talk about it. Overall, the party was fun. But i wanted to go home once it got late.

I'm blessed to have really good friends. Friends from all different parts of my life, growing up, school, college, and others from sport and traveling.

I'm still deeply hurt and humiliated. I feel everyone means well, but they sometimes try to make comparisons.

"Oh when I was in college, my exGF cheated" etc.

I find it hard to relate, as this is a marriage. Of all my friends, I'm the only one I know right now, who's wife cheated, left him for another man and doesn't want to reconcile. My close friends and family have all said the same thing.

"She's lost it, this isn't normal behavior after 2 years married"

The fact it's over 2 and a half months since she said "I want a divorce", she hasn't filed.

Maybe that gives me a little hope. Also, she hasn't contacted me in over 2 months. 2 months NC. I haven't messaged her. No begging, no pleading, nothing. I'm detached, GAL and focusing on my work, keeping healthy, praying and just trying to stay grounded.

I remember years ago before we really dated, she disappeared for over 5 months of NC, then returned and said "I love you, I'm sorry".. Thing was we were long distance then, not really dating. However, now we're married, the game is changed. I have no idea what's she's doing for Christmas, is her family talking to her anymore? Are the natural consequences now beginning to affect her and AP?

I'm just sad. I never thought loving someone, would bring so much pain. I don't even know anymore what I would say to her if she returned.

[Manta]

Just journaling.


It's 3 am... Just back from a few drinks with old mates. Good guys, they all are behind me and supporting me during this time. They don't want me to get back with WW, if she ever comes back.

Part of me would love at least get the opportunity to talk and have WW listen to me and see and hear the pain she caused me. I don't think it matters, as right now I'm nothing to her. Over 2 months of NC, nothing.

My healing is coming from self-reflection and LONG nights of bad dreams and obsessive thoughts.

I will never understand why you treated me this way and stuck a knife in your husbands back when all I wanted was to see you happy with me. All i wanted was someone who i could share my life with and trust.

I guess you were not that person.

I guess I'm too trusting with my heart.

I guess I was....wrong.

[DejaVu6]

So sorry Manta. This really is the hardest thing to go through. It is a betrayal of epic proportions and to not have the opportunity to talk about it with your W makes it even harder to accept I’m sure. For what it is worth, I’ve had several talks with my H and I still have more questions than answers. I also see him once or twice a week and that, too, is hard. We were on the verge of an awesome life together. I thought it would be a new beginning and he thought it would be a good time to leave. Goes to show you that no matter how well you think you know someone, there is also a really good chance you don’t know them at all.

You sound a lot like me. I am a very trusting person which is why my H managed to fool me for so long. I don’t know that I will ever be able to trust someone again, TBH. I have always said it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I’m not too sure about that anymore. It seems there are a lot of chameleons out there and unfortunately, they don’t come with warning labels.

Anyway...I just wanted to send you some virtual (((HUGS))). I know how difficult this is. It’s been three months for me now. I have a lot of up and down days but I am getting there. You will too.

[Manta]

Thank you so much. You really don't know how much these little words mean to me.
Thank you.

[DejaVu6]

Manta... check out this post by BluWave (5th one down the page, I think). http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2788068&page=5

It really helped me. I actually printed it out and I read it a lot. Hope it helps you too. (((HUGS)))

[Manta]

Wonderful positive post. I liked reading that.

I guess now, I'm just so scared. Christmas is nearly here, I look forward to seeing my brother and sister and their children. Part of me feels like a failure, as we were on the cusp of having our own home and family. My WW stole that dream from me. For now anyway.

I don't know what's going to happen in 2019, but I just need to let the wind carry me.

I have faith in God and put my life and marriage in his hands.