My Story Pt 2

[neffer]

It will be better Manta, you know that.

Stay strong there man. Set your W free, free yourself. I know it’s hard man, but you must do that to start moving forward.

One step at a time.

[Manta]

Manta,

It's overwhelming! That is the worst - the loneliness. After we get married we're used to laying in bed next to our partners after a long day. We have that physical and emotional connection to rely upon at all times. We feel secure and happy. Then suddenly that person is gone and not only gone, they're with someone else. There is no greater betrayal. And you can't just move on like they can. It's just so hard when that last little glimmer of hope is gone.

I like this forum a lot but there are no real names or faces or human warmth that comes from text on a screen. This is a great place to share peer support but sometimes it's helpful to connect with people in real life. I found some groups on facebook that are really helpful. There's a divorce support group here in my area that wasn't very helpful but maybe there's a good one in yours. It's important to keep talking to people who understand and who listen without any judgment. I found neighbors to be a good source of support because they're right next door and you can see them any time.

I guess what helps us survive this crisis differs from person-to-person. There's so much to figure out. You've talked about your family, friends, travel, and faith (I believe). It seems like you're doing everything right. To be able to admit your pain and talk about it is a sign of a healthy attitude!

You'll definitely be ready again to meet someone else down-the-road. Like I mentioned it seems like it'll be something different. You can never really replace your wife but I'm sure it'll be great! It's just hard to feel that way right at this particular time as I know from my own experience.

I hope you'll keep posting and just writing whatever's on your mind. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Thanks, guys, Good post-Nicole. I feel very lonely, but I'm surrounding myself with good friends and talking with my family. I never wanted this, I never asked for this, but these are the cards I was dealt with from my WW. She wants out now asap and thinks the grass is greener with AP. I enjoy reading others stories, sometimes hoping to find that 1 special story, where I can say "this is exactly my scenario and they got back together!!!", alas, while there may be similarities, everyone's circumstances are different. Kids, age, years together etc. All my friends/family were shocked, as they all said we looked so happy together. Everyone has an opinion, however, nobody believes it will happen to them. None of them have gown through a situation like i have. However, i know i'm not unique in feeling pain, as i see so much on these forums. I would love if we could all throw a big party together and just laugh and smile and forget about the pain for a few moments anyway.

WW's has thrown away a 7-year friendship, relationship, and marriage for a guy who is willing to cheat on his EXGF of 18 years to be with her. I'm sure there was some vacillation last summer just before the A was discovered, however, once she was caught out on Dday, she didn't want to fix it. Perhaps part of her did, but the pull of the AP and the life (fantasy) of what they could have was more alluring. She wanted that fix again. She was somewhat remorseful after Dday in August, even telling me she still loved me and didn't know what to do. Around the same time, AP probably pulled her back in again, as the last time i saw her a few weeks later in September, she had completely changed into this cold, cruel and selfish person who wanted out asap.

I'm keeping busy, restoring an old car, which i'm really enjoying, I'm keeping fit, praying and meditation, planning little weekends away and also going on a nice holiday in March... However, this is very tough. Part of me was hoping that perhaps she would reach out and want to talk about R, or at least consider MC. However, now she is moving in with AP and wants to erase me from her life, all our friends, family etc. It's cognitive dissonance and re-writing everything in her life. The thing is, their relationship was built on a foundation of cheating, lies, and deceit. Nothing good in the long term will grow out of this. We may well end up divorced now and I have to deal with that maturely with my solicitor, however in time, as the fantasy comes to an end, as real life kicks in, the same problems she had will appear in this relationship. She hasn't had any period of reflection or worked on herself. She's guided by her emotions and self-preservation. One day this will all be over, I will probably have moved on by then and met someone new and fingers crossed be happy. It's then, I will probably hear from her. Maybe, then maybe not.


I just want to be happy and this cloud of sadness/pain to leave me. I have been through enough in my life, besides my marriage falling apart.

[LH19]

The thing is, their relationship was built on a foundation of cheating, lies, and deceit. Nothing good in the long term will grow out of this. We may well end up divorced now and I have to deal with that maturely with my solicitor, however in time, as the fantasy comes to an end, as real life kicks in, the same problems she had will appear in this relationship. She hasn't had any period of reflection or worked on herself. She's guided by her emotions and self-preservation. One day this will all be over, I will probably have moved on by then and met someone new and fingers crossed be happy. It's then, I will probably hear from her. Maybe, then maybe not.

Everything you said here is 100% correct. It's called Karma and is a law in the universe just like gravity.

I just want to be happy and this cloud of sadness/pain to leave me. I have been through enough in my life, besides my marriage falling apart.

You will be happy again my friend. I promise you!

[NicoleR]

Hi Manta, just wondering how you're doing this weekend?

[Manta]

Journaling 23/02/2019

Hi all,

Just wanted to update my situation. Well, I'm waiting for the divorce papers I guess, which should arrive next weekend.

My WW is German, I'm Irish. She's now living in Germany with her AP, so she has left the emerald isle. I don't know how long she's been there, but I guess after I sent her the legal letter back in October, she moved quickly over, so she could file from Germany against me. It's quicker in Germany to Divorce, over Ireland.

I'm just very hurt in ways, that we couldn't even try and work it out. She never gave me a chance. Not 1 attempt

Yesterday I went to A wedding of a close friend. I silently cried at the ceremony, especially when during the vows and the priest talking about commitment and 2 becoming one, and marriage takes two people to make it work. Hot tears fell down my face as my eyes got red with emotion. It doesn't seem so long ago that WW and I took ours.

Once the ceremony was over, I went to the reception and started drinking and having fun. It was great catching up with old friends, however, they're all happy, dancing with their partners, while I stood on my own, lost, sad, scared and lonely. Everyone means well and asked how I was, but I didn't want a pity party and spoil the mood. I put on a brave face, but I'm only human. I sat last night on my single bed, put my suit away and cried again. Another lonely night on my own.

One of my WW's mutual friends, (she doesn't talk to anymore), told me WW sent her a Happy Christmas message. They have very little contact anymore.

Back in August/Sept after Dday, WW messaged her and our mutual friend got the impression that WW wanted to come back to me, but WW said (Manta won't reply to me)... That's not true, as I told her that I wanted to try and fix the marriage in August and September, however, we couldn't if she was having an affair. WW would not give up her AP or stop what's she was doing. My friend was sad and hurt when I told her this. She told WW that every marriage has up's and downs, like her own Marriage with a close friend of mine. She said that WW is seemed very confused at the time and is just running away from the problems she's created. She told me that WW had really changed last year after the miscarriages and perhaps her work colleagues were a bad influence on her and her behavior. I agreed and said she never got counselling after them and brushed it aside. She thinks WW might have some personality disorder. I told her she didn't talk to me for over 4 months and had never once asked to meet me, or try and work things out. Sept was the last time we spoke properly and saw eachother in person.

I asked her maybe in the future could she reach out to WW, see how she is and where her mind is at. I told my friend that I really wanted to save my marriage, that I DID still love WW, however right now it's so hard especially as she's on the verge of starting divorce proceedings against me and refuses to understand the hurt and pain she's caused me and all our friends and family. She can't understand why WW would give me up so easily.

I'm GAL and staying strong, but it's so hard right now. I'm doing my best.

[Davide]

Manta,

Weddings can be tough. They can trigger a lot of emotions and memories. Good on you for toughing it out and getting through it! I know that going through the D process is difficult as well, as I am in the process of getting the paperwork together. Even though I want it, it is still hard emotionally.

Back in August/Sept after Dday, WW messaged her and our mutual friend got the impression that WW wanted to come back to me, but WW said (Manta won't reply to me)...

I asked her maybe in the future could she reach out to WW,

Why are you using a mutual friend as a go-between? You are receiving messages and updates about your W, and then you want this person to pass on a message? That is not healthy at all. That is pursuit. You need to stop communicating about W and tell your friend that you don't want to hear anything about her. The focus needs to be on you, not on her. You say that you are GALing but don't mention anything, it's all about her. What are you doing for yourself?

[Manta]

Hi Davide, I don't think she's going to reach out to her. No reason to.

tbh, as I said, they don't talk anymore. She's disgusted with what WW did. WW knows I don't want to D, and I want to try and save it, but I'm not afraid to walk away and get on with my life if she doesn't.

[Manta]

Journaling 09/03/2019:

Hi all, just wanted to update. Well, I still haven't been issued any legal proceedings from my WW, who has moved home to her home country (Germany). It's been over 3 weeks since she contacted me regarding this. After 4 months of NC from her.

I haven't made contact with her since then.

I have been busy GAL, detached and doing my best. Been exercising a lot, also climbed a mountain today which was fun and healthy with a friend...

Also, been busy restoring an old car, which has definitely given me a passion, which I'm really enjoying.

I have come a long way since last August. I'm calmer, accepted the situation and looking forward.

My WW I believe is no longer living in Ireland and has moved home to Germany to live with her AP since maybe (Dec/January 2019) I don't know, I haven't asked. It's almost 5 and a half months since she first told me she wanted a Divorce, yet still hasn't done anything. Who knows, maybe next week I will receive a letter.

I wish all of this never happened and at least we could have tried something together to fix our M, however, she never showed any interest in R with me. That is a hurt I will carry for a while. "Why wasn't I worth fighting for".

I do know my value, I kept my dignity and haven't sent her any abuse or spoke ill to her family.

Sadly, it is what it is now. I don't think my marriage can be saved anything. I have lost hope. She's not coming back.

My marriage is over.

Maybe her Limerence will end one day and she will regret her actions, but it's a shame 7 years has just been forgotten so quickly and blown up. Every road and place i see has a memory tied to my WW and I. It's hard passing these places and remembering all the love and fun times we shared together.

But I will be ok. I will.

[Manta]

Journaling 02/04/2019:

It's almost a month since my last update.

It's been a good month for me personally. Professionally, Work is going well, with my employer's going with my team's proposals for the new long term strategy, which will dynamically transform the IT Infrastructure for years to come.

Personally, I have had a lot of fun in the last few weeks. I have been out with my close friends and socializing, while really enjoying my hobbies and taking up new interests. I went on a holiday last week on my own to Spain. I stayed in a beautiful hotel, by the sea. I didn't realize how exhausted I was until I finally got to unwind. The week was relaxing, good weather and delicious food. It was wonderful and I'm glad I did it. While at times it was lonely, seeing other couples and people asking me "are you here on your own?". I just said I was separated and taking a break. Lot's of people were very kind to me and wanted to spend time with me. I ended up going to karaoke, dancing and playing guitar on stage lol

I'm back to work this week, so I'm refreshed and feeling excited about my next adventure. I have noticed I'm getting a lot more attention from the ladies recently. Lots of girls in work and chatting me, while also some want to catch up for a drink...even 1 girl asked me "when are you taking me for dinner?" I guess the story's got out in the office of my marriage, however, I don't want a pity party, or rush into anything. I'm happy being me again. I missed me. I'm looking well, new clothes and shirts that fit really well.

I have no update in regards to WW. She hasn't made any contact since Mid-Feb, about the D, While also I haven't received any legal letters as she communicated to me over 6 1/2 weeks ago which were coming. I do think it was strange she tried calling me during Valentines weekend, especially asking for information, which tbh she already had back in October, when she received the legal letter from my Solicitor.

I was a little drunk during the holidays and took a look at her FB... i know i shouldn't, but I did notice there have been no updates really since last Autumn 2018. All our photos are still up, while also she has no relationship status either. No pictures of him either. There was 1 photo of her from late January 2019, however, she didn't look good and looked very stressed at the time. That's the first time I have looked at her FB since last October.

I certainly don't hate her, I think I'm at a point now where I just don't care anymore. She's still legally my wife and in my heart, I still love her. It doesn't consume my thoughts 24/7 as it did a few months ago.

I guess she is still with her AP, who knows. But she certainly hasn't reached out to me for R, or at least properly apologize for all the crap she's put me through since last summer. Maybe she never will, but I'm glad that I did all the thing's you guys recommended.

Her Bday is next week, however, I don't really think it's going to do any good reaching out, especially while she wants a D and is probably still with her AP. I mean, why do i want to open myself up to more communication again. I established my boundaries.

I detached, did 180's and GAL, worked on myself. For me. I know I will be fine now, regardless of what happens.

I hope you're all doing well. I know for some it's early day's yet, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

[neffer]

Thanks for the update Manta. Just keep detached as you are. Keep the GAL coming.

Stick to your boundaries. No contact.

Be strong there man. My best wishes!