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#2825170 12/01/18 04:41 PM
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Hi everybody,

Here is my story. I came home home from work one day and my W was gone, we only have spoken once in more than two months, I did not know what to do and accidentally I went dark, I texted her once saying that I respected her wishes to not call her, she left a note when she left saying that she was not coming back and to not look for her.

Today I texted W to ask her for her address so I can send a Christmas present to our S, but no reply.
I do not know if there is an OM.

krull #2825171 12/01/18 04:49 PM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
krull #2825172 12/01/18 04:52 PM
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Hi Krull.

Sorry to hear about your sitch. Your W took your S and then went NC? How old is your son? That is just not right and so unfair to your S. Have you contacted a lawyer? It is one thing to leave your H and to want to limit contact but she has responsibilities to your S. He has a right to see his father. Is your W financially independent or does she depend on you? If the latter, maybe you should cut her off until she gives you access to your S. Wow. So selfish.

krull #2825173 12/01/18 04:55 PM
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Thank you, I have read one of the books, by accident I did most of the things said, I was in shock so I did not know what to say, that is why I went dark.

The only time we spoke, she only said she wanted me to file for D because she did not have money or time to do it herself, honestly I am not going to file anything if that can buy me more time.

krull #2825174 12/01/18 04:59 PM
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Hi Krull - I’m sorry you are here. I too want to know how old your S is. I am sure she cannot take him away without nothing other than a note. Also, have you seen a lawyer - if not, you really need to.

Can you tell us a bit more about your sitch?


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

krull #2825176 12/01/18 05:09 PM
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My S is 6, he is not my biological S but I raised him since he was 1, there is not much I can do legally

krull #2825179 12/01/18 05:15 PM
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I still think you must have some rights regarding your S. Have you talked to a lawyer to make sure? You have been supporting him and raising him as your own. That has to count for something.

krull #2825180 12/01/18 05:20 PM
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On the other hand, with all the anxiety I have I started running, I take meditation classes, I just joined a local anxiety group, basically I am staying busy and working on my GAL, still I find myself crying all the time I am alone or at the supermarket or any place that we would go together.

I had relatives passed away and I did not hurt as much as I am hurting now.

DejaVu6 #2825181 12/01/18 05:23 PM
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Well, I did petitioned him to come to the U.S so maybe there is something I can do, but for now my head is not in a good shape to take action, the whole thing is to fresh, she left only a couple of months ago.

krull #2825182 12/01/18 05:25 PM
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My biggest concern right now is for the child. You are the only dad he knows, and for him to be yanked out of your life is so very detrimental to him. You need to determine your legal rights. Why haven't you pursued seeing him?


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
krull #2825185 12/01/18 05:38 PM
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I called and texted, but W never replies, I think they Left the state

krull #2825187 12/01/18 05:49 PM
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Sorry my replies to comments are not uploading

krull #2825188 12/01/18 05:54 PM
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Krull,

In order for you to receive the best possible advice more information about your Sitch(situation) is needed.

What kind of Marriage/relationship did you and your W have before she left?
Why do you think she left?
How long were you and her married?
What did she say to you the day before she left? Or was her last statements you remember before she left?
Was she acting any different from her usual self a few months before she left? If so, what was she doing or saying that wasn't like her usual self?
What kind of husband and father do you think you were? And what kind of husband and father do you think she saw you as?

Read all the links Job has posted.

In your replys/post be as specific as possible.

Patience will/needs to become your best friend.

Onward and forward



Last edited by joejoe1; 12/01/18 05:55 PM.

M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
krull #2825189 12/01/18 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by krull
Sorry my replies to comments are not uploading

Yes they are but it is the weekend and you are on moderation.
Probably until Monday.




I suggest this first
Originally Posted by joejoe1
Patience will/needs to become your best friend.


Me-70, D37,S36
krull #2825195 12/01/18 06:29 PM
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I met my W 21 years ago, we were friends all this time, dated on and off in the 90s, she got married with one guy in the mid 2000s, we were still friends and called each other a few times during her marriage, nothing bad, pure friendship.

I did not hear from her for a couple of years, one day out of the blue she messaged me that she kicked her H out the house and she was pregnant, I was a supportive friend, few months to a year she messaged me again that she moved back with her mom. From there we started messaging each other all day every day, it was a long distance relationship.

We we were like that for a couple of years, we got married 3.5 years ago, everything was good, there were a few fights, mostly finances, I was working to much and she was a stay at home mom and spending way to much on clothes and knic knacks, i slowly started getting raises at work and spending way less money.

She started blaming me for not being intimate but she will not ever initiate anything, no kisses no hugs, I was all over her all the time, when our son would go to sleep I will make my W a drink and asked her to listen to music with me, I will always kiss her and hug her, say nice things about her beauty, but she will go to bed really early saying she was tired, a few days later she will blame again for not being intimate.

In the last few months It got worse, she would never greet me at the door, only say a few short sentences during the day, take the dog out or something in that realm.

our last argument was the strangest of all, I came home and she was drinking with some friends, when our friends left she started crying because our pet was really sick and might not make it, I hugged her and tried to help her during the painful time, but she punched me and started saying all of the craziest accusations about me, she told me that I was an @$$... and a liar. I stayed calm and listened, gave her my most honest replies to her questions.

a week later she was gone, she left while I was at work.

krull #2825198 12/01/18 06:40 PM
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I was a fantastic father, my friends, family and neighbours say this, I am not making it up, as a husband maybe not the best, I was tired all the time from work, but I always engage in conversations and tried to make her laugh, at first it was fine, over time she would make fun of me in front of people, she was very rude, accused me of being a drunk and angry, one of my most vivid memories is one when I was trying to talk to her and she said that she was not going to talk to if I was drunk, I HAD A SODA IN MY HAND, when I showed it was a soda she just went silent, I quit drinking completely, she never asked me to do it, I just did.

krull #2825313 12/02/18 07:38 PM
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I am still searching for what I did wrong, I think it was mostly for me pushing her to do something with her life, when our son started school, I kept telling her to get at least a part time job, so she can help me a little, I was not getting raises at work, we were using my credit card a lot, This grew on me and I started to become angry at times, mostly money and her lack of attention to me, I was feeling just like a wallet to her.

krull #2825370 12/03/18 05:09 AM
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HI Krull,


Sorry to read your story.

You can not control other people. You can, however, control yourself and how you respond.


I am all about doing what is right for the kids. (IE keeping the family together) Your sitch is tricky since S is not you bio child. Definitely get legal advise ASAP. Let us know what you find out.



You will be walking down several parallel paths during this process. One of those paths is reflecting on your behavior during the R, making positive changes to assure that you do not find yourself in this sitch again. I lump this into Personal Growth.
I will assume you have NGS (Nice guy syndrome) like most of us did when we showed up here. It is really hard to see how our own behavior is unattractive. Then the bomb.


Focus on your personal growth. Do research on what woman are attracted to. Confidence is at the top of the list.


Pursing is NOT ATTRACTIVE at this point. Do not pursue her.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
krull #2825372 12/03/18 05:12 AM
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As of today, she is ignoring me, I will never call or text again. I have only called once, she only told me to throw away all her stuff and clothes, also to throw away all of my son's toys and clothes, that crushed me.

krull #2825375 12/03/18 05:23 AM
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"Always do the right thing."

Do not throw them away. Take your time. Box them up nicely. When done, text her that her stuff is boxed up and she can pick them up whenever she wants. Put the boxes in garage or spare room


Start in Master Bedroom. Make it yours. Make it manly.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thank you ready2change,

I have only texted 2 times, in the past 2 months, one was yesterday to ask her for her address so I can send a Christmas present to my son, she did not even read the text.

She texted me once to tell me my dog is dead, I replied civil and short, all by the book, still only to be ignored again.

It made me feel like she was running away from a serial killer

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she moved thousands of miles away from here, but I guess i can box some of them, maybe she testing me?

krull #2825384 12/03/18 06:47 AM
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I doubt she is testing you.



Why did she kick her first H out of the house?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
krull #2825414 12/03/18 02:18 PM
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krull,

Thanks for the followup post with more information, it was very helpful. First, I know how you feel. Everyone's BD is different but the emotions tend to be the same.

I see a lot of similarities in your relationship with your WAW and a friend of mine. She too always saw me as a friend. When her husband started acting strange towards her a few years ago, she came running to me. I made it clear to her at the time that I was married and couldn't be more than a shoulder for her to cry on. She spent the next few years trying to convince me otherwise, even had a PA with another guy during that time (I again was support for her when he not surprisingly hurt her badly). My point is that if at anytime I would have given in and been more for her, I would have been a temporary bandaid.

When I look at your sitch I see a shattered woman, about to become a mother, with no other prospects at the time. She reached out to you to rescue her, which you did. Long-term romantic success is built on much more than this and any relationship with this dynamic at its core is probably doomed to eventually having issues unless there is a lot of work put into it. You said that she accused you of a lack of intimacy, yet she never initiated. Are you sure you were speaking the same language with her on that? Most women view intimacy more related to non-sexual contact: hugging, sharing, discussing, spending time together, getting and giving gifts, and acts of service. Most guys jump right to Barry White songs and getting down and dirty in the sheets. Likely she meant the intimacy she was missing was the first and not the last. This is what I mean by work. Getting married is relatively easy. Maintaining a marriage requires work, growth, learning, counseling, improving, and understanding your partner.

Have you read the 5 love languages? Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? Obviously you should read DB/DR. Stop focusing on your contact or lack of contact with her. And start focusing on self-improvement. GAL, 180s, and detaching.

Saving your marriage is not entirely up to you. But saving yourself is fully within YOUR control!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2825531 12/03/18 07:31 PM
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Steve85,
Everything you described about intimacy is exactly what I did, I am not a Barry White dude. I am a romantic in that sense, still she would go to bed early with every possible excuse

krull #2825533 12/03/18 07:33 PM
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Ready2change,

She said the guy would not come home for days when he was drinking. I have never done that, still gave that guy a second and third chance.

krull #2825536 12/03/18 07:39 PM
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krull,

I was in your same shoes. The problem is not that you did it. Is that you did it with a thermometer stuck in the activies rectum to check the temp:

"I spent more time with her today, let's see if it has an impact on the sack tonight!" Nope, no impact.
"I did nice things for her today, let's see if it has an impact on the sack tonight!" Nope, no impact.
"I bought her a nice gift today, let's see if it has an impact on the sack tonight!" Nope, no impact.

We call this Nice Guy Syndrome...I do this, I expect that. It is a covert contract "since I've done this for her she should do that for me!"

Here is your problem. Wives have a sixth sense on this stuff. I can almost guarantee you that when you did these things, hoping it had an impact in the sex department, your wife felt that unspoken expectations and it dried her up between the legs faster than a jet engine.

Please read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Having nice guy syndrome is not nice at all. I thought you might have a touch of it when you said "everyone says I was a good dad!" Nice guys say stuff like that all the time. "I'm a nice guy, everyone says so!"


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
krull #2825541 12/03/18 07:54 PM
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I see, even my W said a lot of times that I was great dad, my S would cooperate on anything if I asked him and would laugh a lot around me. I saw it too, other people saw it.

krull #2825544 12/03/18 07:57 PM
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Speaking of GAL, I do not know how much more I can do, I lost 23 pounds, running and weights, I take meditation classes foucused on anger and patience, I am recording albums with a couple of bands, also I am playing festivals and big concerts with a kind of popular band.

What else should i do to feel better?

krull #2825545 12/03/18 07:58 PM
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What books are your reading? Self-improvement of the mind is as important, if not more important, than self-improvement of the body.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
krull #2825550 12/03/18 08:11 PM
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Steve85.

What other books you recommend besides the ones you already already mentioned?

I will hit the bookstore after work.

krull #2825566 12/03/18 08:56 PM
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Thank you everybody, I am really grateful that there are people out there that care and help.

krull #2825570 12/03/18 09:09 PM
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M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
krull #2825572 12/03/18 09:12 PM
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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
krull #2826436 12/08/18 03:14 AM
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I have stopped counting days, all I know is that every day is radio silence,

krull #2826438 12/08/18 03:20 AM
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read No more Mr nice guy, some things apply to me some others don't, I am reading now other stuff like; A guide to rational living and A gift to myself, these two seem to make me go deep down in knowing where I am, where I have been, and how to look for a future without anxiety, worry and anger..

Also posting here as a journal is helping a little.

krull #2826441 12/08/18 03:33 AM
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I am still amazed at my W's ability to ignore me, like I never existed, like a shadow, like a ghost or a thing that was/ has vanished into oblivion.

I have not begged or pleaded in more than a month, I have only texted once so I could send a present from Santa to my S, still more radio silence, the last time I heard something was a text to tell me that my dog is dead.

Yes, No support, no mercy, no compassion.

And here I am talking to myself.

Last edited by krull; 12/08/18 03:38 AM.
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Hang in there Krull. It is mind boggling how we seem to no longer exist to our spouses now but you will drive yourself mad trying to figure it out. Kind of ironic how at time of BD all I heard was how amazing of a person I was and how much she cared etc.


M:33 W:32
T: 10 M:8
D9
S7
D4
krull #2826450 12/08/18 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by krull
I am still amazed at my W's ability to ignore me, like I never existed, like a shadow, like a ghost or a thing that was/ has vanished into oblivion


It is amazing how they can suddenly just switch us off, like all those years we spent planning, and hoping and building a life didn't mean anything. All I can say is that use this time to work on you. I see my H all the time. It is no easier and sometimes I wish I did not see him. At least if I did not see him he could not set the temperature. My life wouldn't be ruled by his moods.

All I can say is that you have a blank slate at the moment. Use it to create the life you want to live.

Originally Posted by krull
... And here I am talking to myself.


This is the outcome of what they refer to here as 'cheeseless tunnels'. Those horrible thoughts that run round and round in your mind until you can't sleep, you can't think and you can't function properly. This is grief, and it is normal. When they come, acknowledge, them, feel the pain and then let them go. This is where GAL comes in. If you are out doing stuff, then the thoughts will be less likely to make an appearance. It will feel forced at first and you will not really be present but eventually you will come to enjoy them. Reading is good, but it is a solitary experience and it is too easy to see yourself in them.

The other thing is journal. Write about your sitch, ask for advice but also write about the trip you took to the store to buy books, the meal you had for dinner or the new coffee shop you found. Making this a habit will help you to live more in the present. Doesn't matter if it's a long post. Doesn't matter if it seems mundane. Doesn't matter if it's well written or not. People here will read it because the wonderful people here care.

You will be fine.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

krull #2826528 12/08/18 08:58 PM
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Krull,

Let me say it. Patience! A month is not long at all. You have to give it time. She has to have a chance to start missing you. And most important, you must detach with love. She is on her on journey, no help needed from you.

Breaking down my first paragraph.

Patience: Find things to do to change your thought process. I read a lot, watched a lot of videos and went to a lot of meet ups (using meetup.com). I signed up for a lot of activities at church and work. I kept myself occupied. Before you know it two months had pass and I stop thinking about contacting my W or thinking about my W contacting me. I also worked on being patient with myself. I went and did things, I had always wanted to do. Patience needs to become your best friend. Every time you become impatient and make hasty decisions it will set you back (speaking from experience and making many hasty decisions).

Time: Our lives are so short. Fill up your time with things you love to do. Time will start flying! You will look back and say wow! Make the most of the time you have by yourself. Don't waste your time with being sad and feeling sorry for yourself. The world we keep moving no matter what our situations are. The one thing, no matter how rich you get time is one thing that can't be bought back. It's vaulable, and you deserve to SPEND it in ways that are loving to yourself. Wasting your time is being Cruel to yourself Krull.

Having a chance to miss you: This takes time and patience. You have to not allow yourself moments of you trying to get in her head. It can take some time for this to happen. You are looking at her missing you from your perspective, but from hers, you were the cause of all of her unhappiness, so she has to feel the same unhappiness when you are not around. When that happens cracks start to form. Seeing you confident and strong and Giving her space. All of this compounded together is what causes her to doubt her decision. Her pride and stubbornness will not allow her to show you that vurnability. She must have an opportunity to feel what life will feel like without you in it. Reality has it ways to giving a nice gut punch.

Detaching with love: AS talks about this all the time. Reading his sitch will show you a master at work. Lovingly detaching is/was a hard concept for me to get. Showing a person that has torn your heart a part kindness was crazy to me. But guess what it also crazy to the WW, especially when you are being kind and not allowing them to disrespect you and you are holding to your boundaries. Detaching while loving your Spouse, and showing them that you won't allow disrespect will help their fantasy dissipate.

Onward and forward


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
krull #2827976 12/16/18 07:53 PM
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Thank you FlySolo and JoeJoe1.

Thank you very much for the insight and help.

Still radio silence, then again, I dot call, text or email, to be honest it does help a lot, at first I was calling and texting just to be ignored and it will always set me back, by no means I am saying that I am over the hill, not even close, but the anxiety level is little down.

I went to my company Christmas party, that was horrible, all my coworkers where asking about my wife and kid, I do not want to tell the story again and again, specially when I see my coworkers with their families.

Detaching is hard, GALing is good, I stay busy, visit old friends, read, play music, I even started a micro bussiness but still there are always those hours of silence when everything reminds me of my recent past life, it is hard to fill so much time in the day when my days where only my W and S.

This is the hardest challenge I have ever faced.

krull #2828771 12/20/18 01:44 AM
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Just like I never existed, W never calls, texts or email, not even to let me know about D.

I really do not understand anything.

krull #2828780 12/20/18 03:27 AM
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Just keep busy krull. It hurts. My WW is sitting upstairs. I got home and she is planning a ski trip with the kids. That's fine. But then she says she got tickets for all of us to Aquaman. I dont think I'll go. I need to stay away from her.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
krull #2828783 12/20/18 04:05 AM
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Hi Krull,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. Krull, I have an In house separation right now and it is not easier to have the W in the same house. No talks, no discussing the past, no fixing, no admittance, no trust, no re-assurances, no more marriage.

I would have said not too long ago that it would be easier to deal with the sitch in a true physically separated fashion. However, for a couple of reasons, I had come to "accept" our separation after gaining some clarity with the guidance, support, and advice by the wonderful people here. I came around to finding my self worth, I am way better than this. No one deserves to be treated a certain way, no one in a marriage deserves to have their spouse cheat on them or run off on them.

W had been wanting her freedom, to be happy, and I know I contributed to much of her unhappiness. Granted, this does not warrant breaking the marriage or having an affair, cheating or w/e you want to call it. I've been around other people who have done the same and I don't despise them for it. I feel pity for them. W is confused, angry, hurt, probably a whirlwind of mixed emotions that she has to figure out. I don't take solace in that. Not one bit because we have children who so much would want to have both their parents be together. In all of this though, I have found the strength to focus on me, myself and what I need to learn and do. It's just the beginning but we have time. Time to learn, to grow, and to heal. It gets better.

It's been 4 months from BD for me and the first 2 months were really rough but it does get better. I sleep better, I wake up feeling good, I am totally different than before at work. I still have some thoughts about the W but I don't dwell. I've pulled strength from my faith, in God, in knowing we're healthy and alive. I remember days when I grew up with nothing and was happy alone, by myself. There were days in my youth when I would meditate and pray for hours. I try to spend as much time away from her as I can. But for the days I am here, I don't let it bother me. I do my thing in the MBR or the study or spend time with the kids. You have a choice, I have a choice and I choose to be happy and not let what someone else is doing dictate my happiness.

You have ALL this time for -YOU-. You're on the right track. Don't try to figure out what she does. What Steve told you is what I would have presumed. We don't know if she has been in contact with the baby's daddy or if she is a runner, but point is, there could be a thousand questions left unanswered, trying to find answers is wasted energy and going down cheeseless tunnels. Let me also say this, when W and I had been going through things the last year, my biggest issue I thought was my weight, but when I focused on doing something about that, something else became the new issue. So let me ask, if you had the answer to your one big question, would it matter? Would you be happier and be able to move forward? Or, would you find another question and another and another? What would the new big issue be? The one thing you should be concerned about is you. Reading NMMNG should tell you that to be happy, you make yourself happy.

Try not to understand because you can't apply logical thinking to people who act irrationally.

Let me share this, I come from a broken home with a single mother who put many miles between her and my abusive step-father. Over time, she let him back into her life to shatter it over and over and also destroyed a lot of my trust in her. My mother was a runner, we would move from house to house at least once a year, sometimes twice a year. I had been to almost every elementary school in the city where I grew up at. My step-father pursued and it always got ugly. He was a bad person. The thing is over time, she let him back in. I hope, if you wanted her back, that if she ever lets you back in, that you would have taken this time to work on you so that your family has a fighting chance.

Another thing, and this is just my personal opinion, people in a normal situation would mostly all agree that if you've raised and loved this boy for 5 years he is considered your son. Although not biological, you imprint at that age. I remember I called my step-father "dad" once prior to first grade and my mother told me I did/should not have to call this man that while my younger brothers were able to. My point from my hurtful experience is that your W could very well be like my mother. She's got some resentment to only let you know about a dead dog, like wth is that about. I feel like if you bring the child into it, she may say something hurtful. I know you say she hasn't even text about D, but at this time, do you really want her to text you at all about anything? Just knowing your dog died was enough.

I hope you find strength and peace during this time.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
SoTorn #2828784 12/20/18 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted by SoTorn
Just keep busy krull. It hurts. My WW is sitting upstairs. I got home and she is planning a ski trip with the kids. That's fine. But then she says she got tickets for all of us to Aquaman. I dont think I'll go. I need to stay away from her.



Last month I would have jumped at the opportunity and right now I had a convo with my W about going out with them for meals. Told her about how I had to protect my feelings going out together as a family and I know it's not; I'm still not comfortable with it. I reserve that right, but I will say this, if you truly know you are done, and if you had signed some paperwork saying you're D, would you then be able to go with W and kids? I think I would, so the question for me is this, am I not going because I am being reactive or am I really still trying to figure my feelings out? I want to be in a place where I still reserve the right but where my going or not going has nothing to do with her.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Adam04 #2828790 12/20/18 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Adam04
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Just keep busy krull. It hurts. My WW is sitting upstairs. I got home and she is planning a ski trip with the kids. That's fine. But then she says she got tickets for all of us to Aquaman. I dont think I'll go. I need to stay away from her.



Last month I would have jumped at the opportunity and right now I had a convo with my W about going out with them for meals. Told her about how I had to protect my feelings going out together as a family and I know it's not; I'm still not comfortable with it. I reserve that right, but I will say this, if you truly know you are done, and if you had signed some paperwork saying you're D, would you then be able to go with W and kids? I think I would, so the question for me is this, am I not going because I am being reactive or am I really still trying to figure my feelings out? I want to be in a place where I still reserve the right but where my going or not going has nothing to do with her.


I want to be with my kids but I really do not like being around her. I need to protect myself. Shes still in her A. Shes not my wife right now. I honestly am thinking that I would most likely be better off leaving her for good right now. I care for her. But I cant truly say I love her anymore. I cant love someone who betrayed me so badly.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
krull #2828791 12/20/18 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Adam04
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Just keep busy krull. It hurts. My WW is sitting upstairs. I got home and she is planning a ski trip with the kids. That's fine. But then she says she got tickets for all of us to Aquaman. I dont think I'll go. I need to stay away from her.



Last month I would have jumped at the opportunity and right now I had a convo with my W about going out with them for meals. Told her about how I had to protect my feelings going out together as a family and I know it's not; I'm still not comfortable with it. I reserve that right, but I will say this, if you truly know you are done, and if you had signed some paperwork saying you're D, would you then be able to go with W and kids? I think I would, so the question for me is this, am I not going because I am being reactive or am I really still trying to figure my feelings out? I want to be in a place where I still reserve the right but where my going or not going has nothing to do with her.


I want to be with my kids but I really do not like being around her. I need to protect myself. Shes still in her A. Shes not my wife right now. I honestly am thinking that I would most likely be better off leaving her for good right now. I care for her. But I cant truly say I love her anymore. I cant love someone who betrayed me so badly.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
SoTorn #2829060 12/21/18 12:36 AM
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Originally Posted by SoTorn
Originally Posted by Adam04
Originally Posted by SoTorn
Just keep busy krull. It hurts. My WW is sitting upstairs. I got home and she is planning a ski trip with the kids. That's fine. But then she says she got tickets for all of us to Aquaman. I dont think I'll go. I need to stay away from her.



Last month I would have jumped at the opportunity and right now I had a convo with my W about going out with them for meals. Told her about how I had to protect my feelings going out together as a family and I know it's not; I'm still not comfortable with it. I reserve that right, but I will say this, if you truly know you are done, and if you had signed some paperwork saying you're D, would you then be able to go with W and kids? I think I would, so the question for me is this, am I not going because I am being reactive or am I really still trying to figure my feelings out? I want to be in a place where I still reserve the right but where my going or not going has nothing to do with her.


I want to be with my kids but I really do not like being around her. I need to protect myself. Shes still in her A. Shes not my wife right now. I honestly am thinking that I would most likely be better off leaving her for good right now. I care for her. But I cant truly say I love her anymore. I cant love someone who betrayed me so badly.



Rightly so brother. It's about the kids. Stay strong. (())


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
Adam04 #2829065 12/21/18 12:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Adam04
Hi Krull,

Sorry to hear of your sitch. Krull, I have an In house separation right now and it is not easier to have the W in the same house. No talks, no discussing the past, no fixing, no admittance, no trust, no re-assurances, no more marriage.

I would have said not too long ago that it would be easier to deal with the sitch in a true physically separated fashion. However, for a couple of reasons, I had come to "accept" our separation after gaining some clarity with the guidance, support, and advice by the wonderful people here. I came around to finding my self worth, I am way better than this. No one deserves to be treated a certain way, no one in a marriage deserves to have their spouse cheat on them or run off on them.

W had been wanting her freedom, to be happy, and I know I contributed to much of her unhappiness. Granted, this does not warrant breaking the marriage or having an affair, cheating or w/e you want to call it. I've been around other people who have done the same and I don't despise them for it. I feel pity for them. W is confused, angry, hurt, probably a whirlwind of mixed emotions that she has to figure out. I don't take solace in that. Not one bit because we have children who so much would want to have both their parents be together. In all of this though, I have found the strength to focus on me, myself and what I need to learn and do. It's just the beginning but we have time. Time to learn, to grow, and to heal. It gets better.

It's been 4 months from BD for me and the first 2 months were really rough but it does get better. I sleep better, I wake up feeling good, I am totally different than before at work. I still have some thoughts about the W but I don't dwell. I've pulled strength from my faith, in God, in knowing we're healthy and alive. I remember days when I grew up with nothing and was happy alone, by myself. There were days in my youth when I would meditate and pray for hours. I try to spend as much time away from her as I can. But for the days I am here, I don't let it bother me. I do my thing in the MBR or the study or spend time with the kids. You have a choice, I have a choice and I choose to be happy and not let what someone else is doing dictate my happiness.

You have ALL this time for -YOU-. You're on the right track. Don't try to figure out what she does. What Steve told you is what I would have presumed. We don't know if she has been in contact with the baby's daddy or if she is a runner, but point is, there could be a thousand questions left unanswered, trying to find answers is wasted energy and going down cheeseless tunnels. Let me also say this, when W and I had been going through things the last year, my biggest issue I thought was my weight, but when I focused on doing something about that, something else became the new issue. So let me ask, if you had the answer to your one big question, would it matter? Would you be happier and be able to move forward? Or, would you find another question and another and another? What would the new big issue be? The one thing you should be concerned about is you. Reading NMMNG should tell you that to be happy, you make yourself happy.

Try not to understand because you can't apply logical thinking to people who act irrationally.

Let me share this, I come from a broken home with a single mother who put many miles between her and my abusive step-father. Over time, she let him back into her life to shatter it over and over and also destroyed a lot of my trust in her. My mother was a runner, we would move from house to house at least once a year, sometimes twice a year. I had been to almost every elementary school in the city where I grew up at. My step-father pursued and it always got ugly. He was a bad person. The thing is over time, she let him back in. I hope, if you wanted her back, that if she ever lets you back in, that you would have taken this time to work on you so that your family has a fighting chance.

Another thing, and this is just my personal opinion, people in a normal situation would mostly all agree that if you've raised and loved this boy for 5 years he is considered your son. Although not biological, you imprint at that age. I remember I called my step-father "dad" once prior to first grade and my mother told me I did/should not have to call this man that while my younger brothers were able to. My point from my hurtful experience is that your W could very well be like my mother. She's got some resentment to only let you know about a dead dog, like wth is that about. I feel like if you bring the child into it, she may say something hurtful. I know you say she hasn't even text about D, but at this time, do you really want her to text you at all about anything? Just knowing your dog died was enough.

I hope you find strength and peace during this time.


Adam. In in nearly the same ditch. Same timeframes as well.


M:16
T:21
H(me) 38
WW: 38
S11 D16 D19
Red Flags of A: March 2018
ILYBNILWY: August 4, 2018
Moved out of MBR: September 24, 2018
BD/Confirmation of A: October 31, 2018
D Filed: March 27, 2019
krull #2836334 02/08/19 04:04 AM
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Hi everybody,

I have been quiet and keeping as dark as I can. I recently found out that W is contacting one of my friends to ask a out me, tvis made me unhappy since my friend is civing her information.
It is nice to know that I can't trust anyone.
Today out of the blue she texted me to ask about my tax return, she wants me to use my money to pay for the money she spent on my credit card.
This is crazy.
I am doing my best to stay patient but she becomes more evil by the minute.

krull #2836335 02/08/19 04:20 AM
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I just hope I did not blow it by engaging in the back and fort texting

krull #2836338 02/08/19 04:48 AM
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Originally Posted by krull
I just hope I did not blow it by engaging in the back and fort texting


if I told you that you blew it, would it allow you to carry on living your life?

She is spending money on your credit card and wants you to pay her back? something is not right. You should be protecting yourself financially. you need to see about taking care of that CC issue asap. if you pay for it, she and whoever else will continue to use it.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

----
krull #2836353 02/08/19 10:21 AM
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Originally Posted by krull

Today out of the blue she texted me to ask about my tax return, she wants me to use my money to pay for the money she spent on my credit card.
This is crazy.


Yep it sho is! Oh he!! No. Ah, please cancel your credit card. You are most likely going to have to pay, if not your credit score will be affected, so please cancel that card and don't use your text money to bail her out.

Keep going!!!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
krull #2836356 02/08/19 01:08 PM
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Originally Posted by krull
I recently found out that W is contacting one of my friends to ask a out me, tvis made me unhappy since my friend is civing her information.


Yeah this is why we say not to share anything with mutual friends, because people love to gossip about relationship stuff and anything you say will quickly get telegraphed to your W. So if anyone asks about your sitch just tell them "yes we're having problems but we're working on it" and SAY NO MORE. If you need to vent or talk about it then do it here and/ or with friends that have no attachment to your W at all.

Quote
Today out of the blue she texted me to ask about my tax return, she wants me to use my money to pay for the money she spent on my credit card.


What was your reply? I wouldn't have replied at all, but I would have quietly canceled the card as Joe said. If it's your CC then you're going to be responsible for at least half the debt she puts on it if not all of it. As Adam said you need to protect yourself financially.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
krull #2836360 02/08/19 01:54 PM
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And Krull, you didn't blow it either.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
krull #2836394 02/08/19 04:37 PM
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So, I asked her a few days ago to sign our tax papers so I could file a joint return, since she lived with me for more than 10 months of the fiscal year and she was not working, I claimed her as a dependent, she ignored my texts and calls, last night she texted me "sorry, I was busy" and then she asked me for a copy of my tax return,since she ignored me I filed again just myself with no dependents, assuming she was going to ignore me as usual, doing that my return was way less than it was supposed to be, she texted me very late last night askin me to use the mibey from my return to pay for the credit card that she used, the card is mine she has no credit. I said, sorry those are my personal documents, I can't give you anything, please make payments on my card since you were the one that used it and max out on it. I was polite but firm.

All of this interaction has set me back, I was feeling a lot better, now I think that she is evil and she is trying to f@#% Me over in anyway she can, I don't think things are going to get better, all she wants is revenge.

Last edited by krull; 02/08/19 04:39 PM.
krull #2836401 02/08/19 05:06 PM
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Have you canceled the card?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
krull #2836405 02/08/19 05:12 PM
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Yes, I did, I still have to pay for it.

Why do I love somebody that is trying to destroy me emotionally and financially?

krull #2836407 02/08/19 05:14 PM
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Why do I want to reconcile with her? I have played all my cards by the book and I see no results and it is actually getting worse

krull #2836447 02/08/19 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by krull
Yes, I did, I still have to pay for it.


Good. Yes you do but at least you're limiting future damage.

Quote
Why do I love somebody that is trying to destroy me emotionally and financially?


Well, probably like most of us you love the person she used to be. The one that you married, that loved you unconditionally. That person has been snatched and a new person has taken her place. The new person wants nothing to do with you. You're probably clinging to the thought that if you hang on and keep loving her then the old person will resurface. She might, but it is going to take her a long time and during that time she wants as much distance from you as she can get. I'm almost 7 years post-BD and my ex has slowly over the last couple of years started acting more like her old self. So yeah, for 4 or 5 years she was the cold, seemingly heartless person I first met the day of BD. Then she slowly started being more like the woman I married. But she's still a much different person.

Quote
I have played all my cards by the book and I see no results and it is actually getting worse


One of the sayings here is "it will get worse before it gets better". She's on a long journey and it will be a rocky one. Detach and give her room, it's all you can do.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
krull #2836524 02/09/19 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
And Krull, you didn't blow it either.


Thanks ovrrnbw. I was meaning to come back to this and krull, I hope you got the message that if you did or didn’t blow it, it doesn’t change what you need to be doing for yourself. Live your life. I don’t think you blew it but I don’t know the contents of the text either.

Originally Posted by krull
Why do I want to reconcile with her? I have played all my cards by the book and I see no results and it is actually getting worse


AS said it. Gonna get worse before it gets better.

Playing your cards right, standing, detaching, getting a life, all of that is for you. It’s not a gimmicky control tactic that will force the WAS back into your arms. It’s to prepare you for your better future with whoever that lucky lady will be.

I saw you said you been lurking, feel free to journal any time while time passes.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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krull #2836817 02/11/19 06:58 PM
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Mostly she was asking me about my taxes, I did not say anything about the relationship, basically she wants money and she is fishing for information, I only said my tax papers are personal and I can't share that info with her, I had to say this a couple of times because she kept asking.

I was doing good until she contacted me, I am staying busy with lots of activities almost every day I go to the gym, I am meeting new people and doing my best to save some money for whatever happens in the future, still she does not talk about divorce, I don't get it.

krull #2837155 02/13/19 04:10 PM
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It is really strange, for a period of time I was doing really well, then the dreams came, almost every night for a few weeks, dreams of us talking things over, doing fun things, dreams with my son telling me you said you were going to guide me a care for me forever.

I mean, why? How much more GAL I am supossed to do? I am busy all day every day.

krull #2837170 02/13/19 05:23 PM
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She's asking about taxes b/c she sees you as Mr. Moneybags right now, not for any other reason.

Those dreams, maybe talk to an IC about them. You may learn the why you seek. Or Google them. That's always fun and insightful. But the most obvious answer is that it is your subconscious expressing its desires/fears/etc.

What's your GAL looking like ( I know you said you are very busy)?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
krull #2837179 02/13/19 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by krull
It is really strange, for a period of time I was doing really well, then the dreams came, almost every night for a few weeks, dreams of us talking things over, doing fun things, dreams with my son telling me you said you were going to guide me a care for me forever.

I mean, why? How much more GAL I am supossed to do? I am busy all day every day.


I am experiencing this too. Some of my fears, desires, and questions find their way into my dreams. They manifest there when I try to keep my mind busy with other things but the mind plays these little tricks by pulling these thoughts out from their hiding places.

They're dreams. I try to leave them as that.

If you can make sense of it in a positive light, that's good. If you are letting them affect you negatively, I'd suggest trying to deal with them like with everything else, with patience and some understanding that you can't control them. I think once you can accept that, they may eventually lessen.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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krull #2837182 02/13/19 06:45 PM
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Thanks ovrrbv,

My week is busy, I am working 50+ hours a week, I work out almost 5 days a week, I am taking meditation classes 2 times a week, also I just joined an animal rights activist group, I am meeting new people, I do enjoy meeting new people, maybe I am paranoid but sometimes I sense that the new people I meet can tell that I have a dark cloud over me.

A few days ago my city had a snow storm that almost paralized the city, I was a the bus stop waiting for 50 minutes, I dedided to walk home, I talked to myself out loud and some pretty lady heard me and asked to join me walking home, I was pleasant, I did not reveal anything dark about me or what I am going trough, I used the opportunity to practice validation, it seemed to work, but I am not interesed in dating right now, this girl was bummed out after I did not ask for her number, I think practicing validation on strangers is not a good idea.

Last edited by krull; 02/13/19 06:47 PM.
krull #2837184 02/13/19 07:10 PM
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Adam04,

Thank you for being here.

Sometimes I force myself to go back to sleep, but it takes sometime until I finally convice myself that they are only dreams.

Last edited by krull; 02/13/19 07:11 PM.
krull #2837201 02/13/19 08:00 PM
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If there is a dark cloud over you well I suggest you change the weather. Seriously, force a smile, put both hands in the air and scream "YES"! Act like you just won the Super Bowl, got a job promotion. Studies show that your thoughts affect your mood and thus your body language, but that those pathways work in reverse too. Take control, you can do this!

And I bet they don't see it like you do either, just saying!! I mean you said it yourself the one chick wanted you to get her number sooooooo I'm thinking you're just being a debbie downer right now! Think about it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
krull #2837241 02/13/19 10:17 PM
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I don't want to be a downer, separation is still fresh, I am not thinking of a timeline, it has been only 3 months and some days, I feel like I am betraying my W, as supid as this sounds.

I really don't talk to anyone about it, just to you kind people here, most of the time I stay quiet to my friends and family.

It is not healthy I know, but I already tried to talk to friends and family and their advice is very shallow or they want to know the ugly details, I refuse to talk bad about W even though she said very harsh things to me and did bad things to me also, I feel like I will not get anything positive from talking sh%& about her. Not my style. But it is consuming from the inside.

Last edited by krull; 02/13/19 10:19 PM.
krull #2837251 02/13/19 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted by krull
It is not healthy I know, but I already tried to talk to friends and family and their advice is very shallow or they want to know the ugly details, I refuse to talk bad about W even though she said very harsh things to me and did bad things to me also, I feel like I will not get anything positive from talking sh%& about her. Not my style. But it is consuming from the inside.


I feel the same way. I told parents about our separation but didn't go in to any details. I started seeing an IC recently to both work on some of my 180s, like my anger, and to have an objective third party to talk to about my W. It has definitely helped me. I would certainly look in to it because you can't just bottle it up, you need to talk about it otherwise it will eat you up.


Me 32
WAW 33
M8 T13
S5
S3
BD 09/14/18
S 10/21/18
krull #2839099 02/26/19 01:25 AM
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Days go by, GAL is great but still I find myself crying and missing my W and S, we had no contact almost at all, a lot of thing were unspoken.

Do I need closure? Do I need to hang in there? Do I need to wait?

I already act like a single person, I stay really busy and as productive as I can, I very little time off, today I had to slow down and go home after work today, I am exhausted, to much overtime, to much working out ( I already run 5k every other day I started at nothing and completely unfit) I am almost 40 pounds lighter. Don't get me wrong, I love the results of my healthy diet and exercise, I am still active on meditation too, I manage to get classes for free since I volunteered to cook vegetarian meals to the staff and teachers, I have a few new friends, I spend weekends doing activist work for an animal rights group, I meet people everywhere now, I have given my phone number to a few ladies only to regret when they call me for coffee, I usually tell them I am busy.

Why after all of this overpowering success at GALing I still feel almost dead?

This is the worst.

Last edited by krull; 02/26/19 01:27 AM.
krull #2839101 02/26/19 01:28 AM
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Basically I moved on against my will.

krull #2839116 02/26/19 05:55 AM
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((krull))


you said it, you are doing the right things you know you should be doing but your heart is not there. it can be draining going against your will. you feel dead because your heart wants what it cant have for now.

stay strong buddy. left, right, left, right. keep doing what you've been doing. eventually, things will catch up. Are you doing the PIES?

Where are you spiritually? Maybe put some emphasis here too to balance out.


H 49 , W 47
T 23, M 17
S11, S5
BD: 7/18
IHS: 7/18 - 3/19
Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19
Piecing: 4/19 - Current

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krull #2839119 02/26/19 07:47 AM
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(((Krull))). I really feel for you. I still have days like what you describe. I think it is terrible that she would take your son away like that. As a mom, I would never deprive my child of the only father he has ever known...it doesn’t matter that he is not your biological son. I really think you should look into what your rights are if you haven’t already. What she has done is akin to kidnapping, IMO. That aside... honestly... I think you should force yourself to go on a couple of those coffee dates. It is just coffee. It doesn’t have to be anything more. But...it may be a good reminder to you that your w’s behaviour is NOT about you. You are a good person who other people would be happy to have in their lives. Spend some time with those people. It will get better. As Adam suggested... just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will eventually get somewhere. (((HUGS)))

krull #2839655 03/01/19 01:45 AM
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Adam04,

Thank you for caring, also, what is PIES?

Dejavu6,

I already did extensive research about my S and I do not have any right or law to help me see him, it breaks my heart, I know he asks about me, we were best friends, we would play all the time, he would listen to me more that to W, W would get angry seeing us having a good time or him doing what I asked him to do with no tantrum, W would say " WHY i DO LOOK LIKE BI^% HERE? HE LISTENS TO YOU" it sounded like jealousy to me, I did not have any intentions to be the better parent or anything, I think we have a good connection.

I missed them a lot.

krull #2840437 03/05/19 08:00 PM
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Why do I feel worse? It has been some months now, I am not begging, I went as dark as possible, I have hobbies, work out almost everyday.

krull #2840486 03/05/19 11:21 PM
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I am here with you buddy . Keep going make Krull a man everyone loves , you can do it . I am sure a gentle breeze will slowly move the cloud. I talk to random people and I find it helps to connect with other people. Even if you’re not interested, having a convo with a pretty lady can’t be bad can it ?

Tryhard #2841230 03/11/19 12:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Tryhard
I am here with you buddy . Keep going make Krull a man everyone loves , you can do it . I am sure a gentle breeze will slowly move the cloud. I talk to random people and I find it helps to connect with other people. Even if you’re not interested, having a convo with a pretty lady can’t be bad can it ?



I have tried, actually people come talk to me sometimes, I am not ready, this journey was not chosen by me, all of what I do now makes me proud, I never in my dreams I would imagine that I am running 5k every other day, lost 25 pounds, take meditation classes, joined an activist group, work overtime every day, paying off the credit card that I was left with, somehow I have managed to have extra $$$ to pay off the credit card that W used and left me with the balance.

I am looking my best lately, very good diet and exercise, I have noticed sometimes ladies look at me talk and flirt with me, honestly I just wish it was my W the one flirting, I am not ready, I am still in love with her.

krull #2841233 03/11/19 12:38 AM
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this week was the worst, It feels like day one, it is really strange after all the progress I made.

krull #2841234 03/11/19 12:51 AM
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I talk to no one, we only have mutual friends and I know they will pass the information, my family lives in another country, I can't afford therapy.

A few days ago I considered suicide, that was most scary thing that has ever crossed my mind, just having that as an option speaks a lot of how I feel.

Things need to get better soon.

krull #2841235 03/11/19 12:53 AM
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Imagine, my best friend right now is a Bobba fett alarm clock.

krull #2841240 03/11/19 01:56 AM
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I am OK, but, the song needs a better solo.

krull #2841242 03/11/19 02:18 AM
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At least you still have a sense of humor . You got any plans for the week buddy ?

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Hey Krull, I definitely feel for you. One day is great, the next day feels impossible. Try to focus on all the good that you're doing for yourself and others right now. You sound really motivated, hold onto that and keep up all of the positive changes.


Me 36, W 32
M 3 yrs, T 7 yrs
1st BD Aug 18
2nd BD Feb 19
EA w/ ex Aug 18
potential EA Feb 19
Trial Separation 3/2/19
krull #2841258 03/11/19 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by krull
A few days ago I considered suicide, that was most scary thing that has ever crossed my mind,
Please seek help if these thoughts continue.


Quote
"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."


Eric Roth, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button






"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
krull #2841260 03/11/19 07:20 AM
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(((Krull))). I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that there are many, many people out there pulling for you. The sadness and grief is very normal. It is horrible that you can’t see your son. The selfishness of some people is so unbelievable. I am not sure your W is worthy of your affection if she can keep your son away from you like that. We are all pulling for you Krull. I know it seems impossible right now but time and space really does help...whether you want it to or not. Please, please, please...if you start to have suicidal thoughts, call your local crisis line. You WILL get through this...you just need to give it some time. (((HUGS)))

krull #2841271 03/11/19 11:48 AM
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Krull, often when we go through this it triggers what they call "situational depression", often paired with anxiety attacks. Thoughts of suicide are not uncommon, but people don't want to talk about it because society attaches a lot of shame and stigma to depression. But depression is an illness just like the flu and can be treated. If you are even contemplating suicide that's a strong indication that you need help. Especially if you've worked out options on how to go about it (that's typically what counselors look at as a red flag that you need emergency care). See your doctor and get evaluated, they may want to put you on A/D's and/ or set you up with some counseling. Don't take this lightly and don't postpone it, the sooner you address it the sooner you will feel like your old self.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
DejaVu6 #2843139 03/23/19 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6
(((Krull))). I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that there are many, many people out there pulling for you. The sadness and grief is very normal. It is horrible that you can’t see your son. The selfishness of some people is so unbelievable. I am not sure your W is worthy of your affection if she can keep your son away from you like that. We are all pulling for you Krull. I know it seems impossible right now but time and space really does help...whether you want it to or not. Please, please, please...if you start to have suicidal thoughts, call your local crisis line. You WILL get through this...you just need to give it some time. (((HUGS)))


So, against my wallet I went to get help, I am not really sure about taking pills since they made my depression worse, I did some research on natural treatments and it seems to be working so far, I am still sad and I miss them like crazy but I do not feel like I want to end my life, I still stay really busy, working out, taking my meditation classes, also meditating at home. Going out and the nightlife does not work for me, I tried to go out and be social but I just can't be around drunks and their shallow point of view, maybe my journey has become a quest for more than just be a person with a smile on the outside and a funeral on the inside.

Jamine #2843141 03/23/19 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Jamine
Hey Krull, I definitely feel for you. One day is great, the next day feels impossible. Try to focus on all the good that you're doing for yourself and others right now. You sound really motivated, hold onto that and keep up all of the positive changes.


Yes, your descriptions is really accurate, there are some days when I tell myself I can do this and some when I feel the my world is over, I have not stopped, I am in the best shape I have been in 10 years, it does make me feel good ( I just wish my W wold notice).

Today from a social media post by one of our mutual friends I saw a picture of her, it made me really sad, I do not go on social media to spy on her or anything,she blocked me from every site, I swear I do not try to go there to spy on her. Any way IT still made me feel like a tool, when we were together she will go out so see a show and I would stay home with the kid, in 5 years I never had a night out with the boys but she she did and still does, I feel used.

Last edited by krull; 03/23/19 05:56 PM.
krull #2843143 03/23/19 06:02 PM
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Hi Krull. I'm so sorry you are down. I suffered from depression for most of my marriage. Some seasons better, some I could hardly make it out from under the bed.

I did counseling, pills, acupuncture, you name it. I finally found a lady (Christian counselor) who specialized in EMDR therapy. It was a game changer. I have nothing against the meds, but I tried them for 7 years and sometimes they helped but when they didn't, I, too thought of suicide.

When I wasn't thinking about suicide, I was seeing ways that I might die, and I was telling myself that the world would be better off, I would be better off, dying.

What I'm saying is, our situations etc might not be the same, and my solution might not be yours, but I wanted to tell you that you will NOT always feel this way. I have met others who have made it to the other side with depression, anxiety, PTSD and situational depression. Don't give up, is what I'm saying. Keep knocking down doors until you find help that helps you.

I don't know what your faith is, but I started listening to sermons online and that helped me immensely. I was able to hear the truth (I am loved by God, my identity isn't in my illness, my worth doesn't come from others) and that was just before the EMDR, and I still listen to them.

You aren't alone. No matter what 'the fog' is telling you right now. Reach out. Bless you.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
Tryhard #2843144 03/23/19 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Tryhard
At least you still have a sense of humor . You got any plans for the week buddy ?


Haha, I still try to keep my sense of humor, I wish I can restore it to its maximum capacity but it is really hard and my mind is full of other negative emotions that I wish I can remove permanently.

As of plans for this weekend, I have volunteered to work on a animal sanctuary that was damaged by the snow storms we had, I know it does not sound like the most fun thing to do but I do not have that many friends and the few I have are busy with their lives, so here I go, I will try to interact with a bunch of strangers with a fake smile.

97Hope #2843149 03/23/19 07:18 PM
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Originally Posted by 97Hope
Hi Krull. I'm so sorry you are down. I suffered from depression for most of my marriage. Some seasons better, some I could hardly make it out from under the bed.

I did counseling, pills, acupuncture, you name it. I finally found a lady (Christian counselor) who specialized in EMDR therapy. It was a game changer. I have nothing against the meds, but I tried them for 7 years and sometimes they helped but when they didn't, I, too thought of suicide.

When I wasn't thinking about suicide, I was seeing ways that I might die, and I was telling myself that the world would be better off, I would be better off, dying.

What I'm saying is, our situations etc might not be the same, and my solution might not be yours, but I wanted to tell you that you will NOT always feel this way. I have met others who have made it to the other side with depression, anxiety, PTSD and situational depression. Don't give up, is what I'm saying. Keep knocking down doors until you find help that helps you.

I don't know what your faith is, but I started listening to sermons online and that helped me immensely. I was able to hear the truth (I am loved by God, my identity isn't in my illness, my worth doesn't come from others) and that was just before the EMDR, and I still listen to them.

You aren't alone. No matter what 'the fog' is telling you right now. Reach out. Bless you.



Thank you for your words,

I am doing my best to stay on track, I just miss my w and s. I am working hard on all of this, but there are a lot of moments lately when I just don't find any of this DBing as a solution, I just want my family back, if DBing means move on, then I should just move on, how can I have a chance to try to have my family back? I have done everything by the book, still I do not see anything, she never calls, not even to ask for a divorce, like I am just dead or never existed.

I am not a person of faith in god, I do respect people that do, but I am not, regardless of the outcome I am still doing everything that i should be doing and more, but still I see no results besides me looking better and being healthy.

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It's very hard when you don't see an improvement, I think that's why everyone here encourages us to focus on our own growth/improvement.

I don't think DBing means move on. I read it to be GAL, focus on what you can control - yourself. Be the best you possible. One guy says it best "be a man only a fool would leave". I understand you just want your family back. That is the painful part.

When I am stuck there, I re-read the newcomers links that they put on your first post. Especially the detachment. It's not giving up, it's letting them go on their journey. They must. We can't pull them back. At the same time, you are on your own journey. It's not what you asked for, but you are doing the best you can with your sitch. being more healthy and looking better is amazing, it might not feel like enough right now, but I wish you could be proud of yourself for that. Not everyone looks to make themselves better during this stuff. You made a choice. I hope you can take pride in that.


ME47 XH44, S28 S24 S19

8/17-BD
IHS: 1/17-2/19
D FILED (ME): 7/19
D FINAL: 10/20
M23 T25
OW CONFIRMED: 01/21

Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
krull #2843920 03/30/19 04:12 PM
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Hi Krull,
I have been at this for almost 18 yrs. and still wondering what happened, but I am not giving up, at my age I really don't want to start over with someone else, if he returns he returns, if not then it's his loss, I love ME! and my life now, it will take a very long time for them to come to their senses, IF they ever do. Best thing for you is keep busy, don't wait for the phone to ring, get out and do things for you, things that you enjoy, I am a woman of faith and my faith has gotten me to where I am now, I'm happy, laughing having fun with my family and friends. You will have to hold on to your boot straps and carry on without her. She really does not even think of you right now, and please take good care of yourself. I don't mean to be a party pooper but I was just like you all those many years ago, it hurts like the devil in your heart, but you will feel and get better with time, it doesn't feel like it right now but I promise that it will. It's just too new for you right now, she has given you the gift of time, use it wisely. God bless you with all of your heat's desire's and may he give you the PEACE that surpasses understanding. take care.


Done 01/2014
krull #2851889 06/06/19 01:05 AM
Joined: Dec 2018
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Hi everybody,
,
I have been doing things by the book, I even took advice from here and I went on some dates, I did enjoy them and it nice to hear from other women that i am amazing, still I find myself in the most dark places, I have not text or call, basically I am at the darkest I can be, not even social media, I still take meditation classes, I still volunteer at animal shelters, I still run and work out almost every day, my clothes don't fit and had to buy a new ones since the older ones are too big, I run 6k with every other day,I have hobbies and new friends.

Today out of the blue my W texted me only to treat me like garbage, I was polite and short but she would not stop calling me a liar among other things. I know that my story is not as amazing as others here and that is why I don't get replies or words of comfort, but I still hurt and need help.

Is anybody there??

Please.

krull #2851897 06/06/19 04:02 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
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Krull,

We are here.

What would help you to receive more comments is updating your thread more and leaving more details and specifics about your sitch.

From what you have provided, seems to me you are doing great at GAL. Keep up the hard work and continue to detach. Continue working on yourself.

Now as for as your W, if she calls you again and accuses you of lying, don't accept that treatment. Kindly inform her that you won't continue to allow her to speak to you like that and if it continues you will have to hang up. And if she continues, hang the phone up! Don't make statements that you aren't willing to back up.

It's time to be strong and confident. Keep moving forward and provide us details.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
krull #2851910 06/06/19 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by krull
Hi everybody,
,
I have been doing things by the book, I even took advice from here and I went on some dates, I did enjoy them and it nice to hear from other women that i am amazing, still I find myself in the most dark places, I have not text or call, basically I am at the darkest I can be, not even social media, I still take meditation classes, I still volunteer at animal shelters, I still run and work out almost every day, my clothes don't fit and had to buy a new ones since the older ones are too big, I run 6k with every other day,I have hobbies and new friends.

Today out of the blue my W texted me only to treat me like garbage, I was polite and short but she would not stop calling me a liar among other things. I know that my story is not as amazing as others here and that is why I don't get replies or words of comfort, but I still hurt and need help.

Is anybody there??

Please.


I just went back and read your entire thread. You've gotten amazing responses, then didn't pay for over 2 months. Why do you say you don't get replies?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
joejoe1 #2852182 06/08/19 12:03 AM
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
Krull,

We are here.

What would help you to receive more comments is updating your thread more and leaving more details and specifics about your sitch.

From what you have provided, seems to me you are doing great at GAL. Keep up the hard work and continue to detach. Continue working on yourself.

Now as for as your W, if she calls you again and accuses you of lying, don't accept that treatment. Kindly inform her that you won't continue to allow her to speak to you like that and if it continues you will have to hang up. And if she continues, hang the phone up! Don't make statements that you aren't willing to back up.

It's time to be strong and confident. Keep moving forward and provide us details.



I did not make any statements, she called me out of the blue after 5 months, I have been dark, not even social media, W just started saying that she is in debt and broke, from there she went on saying all this stuff and and accusing me of things, I was calm and even validating but she would not stop, I said I am at work and can,t really talk right now, from there she just texted me a whole novella saying that she owes me a lot of money but she is not going to pay me, her excuse, well, you got miles on you card and you can travel, I wanted to say something but I did not.

Last edited by krull; 06/08/19 12:04 AM.
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