Part 2 of my journey: Time to take action

[RR17]

The a$$ squeezing is temp -taking. He wants to know that he still has some power, some effect and could change direction and come home if he pleases. I wouldn't allow it. Make him realize that once gone, you will move on. really move on and not wait patiently in case he returns. Grace, the better you stick to DB principles the sooner this will end.

This is not progress in the M/R. It happened and it's over. Without proper reconciliation, you will most surely end up back here again.

Everything else shoulds like personal progress. Keep it up. Good job.

[Grace21]

The a$$ squeezing is temp -taking. He wants to know that he still has some power, some effect and could change direction and come home if he pleases. I wouldn't allow it. Make him realize that once gone, you will move on. really move on and not wait patiently in case he returns. Grace, the better you stick to DB principles the sooner this will end.

O.K. So, at the moment it happened, I chose to ignore it and let it pass. What SHOULD I have done in the perfect Dbing world?

This is not progress in the M/R. It happened and it's over. Without proper reconciliation, you will most surely end up back here again.

I didn't see this event as having anything to do with M/R. It really didn't have any effect on me whatsoever. "Proper reconciliation" is the key. How does one know how to "Properly reconcile". I would imagine it would have to be under the guidance of a good MC. Well, that's something to mull over down the road IF it comes to that, I guess.

[Davide]

Grace,

I think it is just a matter of establishing clear boundaries. You don't need to be hostile, but you could simply say "Please don't touch me like that." Let him know that you don't welcome that kind of attention from him anymore. I would also not go in for a hug with him, or let him give you a hug. It just seems like asking for trouble.d But that's just me.

I think what RR is saying is that you need to stand up to him, both in terms of coming in and out of the house and touching you as he pleases. That any possible reconciliation won't come until he respects you and realizes that he doesn't actually have control over you. Part of it is what you are thinking - are you taking these signs of affection as steps towards R (which you don't), but also what he is thinking.

[RR17]

Grace, things happen. I am not so much judging your inaction as keeping perspective.

WASs will test to see where they stand. When we set boundaries and in fact pass these stupid tests we make progress. Not just personal progress but it is important to remind the WAS what they will be losing.

I agree with Davide, don't go in for the hug. If you want to allow him to that's fine, but no sexual grabbing or anything of that sort. It may or may not seem like progress in the MR. It is not. There is much to read about proper R in these threads. I would suggest you read and commit to whatever makes sense in your heart.

[RR17]

I copied this from sandi over a years ago. I would just send a link but I can't find it.

This list has some of the things the WW will need to do in order to reconcile, honestly and completely, with her H. If you see something that needs to be added, feel free. 

These are in no special order.

1). Consequences! And taking a hit with hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind.
2). Realizing the connection between her decisions with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for her decisions...and for every loss,
and every hurt she caused those she loves and who loves her.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but herself.
5). Making a conscious choice to end her wayward direction and turn around.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide her in how to cleanse her heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever she carries that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful.  If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction her decisions and feelings has caused her H.  She has to feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive her H for everything in the past. To release the blame,anger, and hurt she held throughout their M.
9).  To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the H's choice of transparency plan (accountability), sending a NC letter, having any medical tests, ending any friendships out of his request, (and of course, any contact with OM), place of employment, giving him requested information, attending MC, or anything else the H may request in order to ensure the success of their reconciliation, and the safety of the MR.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give her H any "conditions" to her going back into the MR.  And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from her.
12). To accept that it will take time for her healthy emotions to be restored.  To realize and accept she cannot measure the success of their progress by her feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that she must go through withdrawals from her AP, and could experience depression. She needs to understand this is normal, and not a sign that she will have never have feelings for H. 
13).  And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive herself.

 Keep in mind, these things will not all come about at one time. Neither will she be able to know without someone guiding her.  It is really important she has help or coaching from an unbiased source who is pro-marriage and is familiar with piecing after an affair. 

[Maximus]

Hi All,

I'm reading the posts and a little surprised. The husband abandons the house and yet I read comments like you have to show appreciation for mowing the lawn? Is it a separation or not?

Having a husband who has abandoned the house not an indication of not wanting to be with you? The fact that he comes and goes as he pleases not be interpreted as his way of controlling the LBS as well as a way of easing his guilt by doing these tasks?

If my wife left the house I would not want her to come back and do the dishes every so often or the ironing etc. Separation is being independant. For her to come back and do anything within the boundaries of the home she first needs to work on our relationship. Me accepting that kind of behaviour is condoning her attitude as well as cake eat in a certain way.

Its like a perverted in house separation but where I lose complete control from the moment I allow my WAS back in whenever she feels like it.

Just a thought.

Peace

Max

[Rose888]

The ass grabbing would bother me. If it happened again when the relationship is still in its cure to state, I would immediately end the hug and step back.

As for true reconciliation, I think the key thing is to look for changes in behavior. Not changes that take you back to what was, but changes that improve things that were not great in your marriage before. We communicate differently now. We're much better about handling disagreements and giving each other the benefit of the doubt, for example. In a good reconciliation, both spouses make changes, and they can each see the changes in the other.

I would also be wary about applying WW guidelines to a husband who wants out of the marriage but is not having an affair. I think those situations are different.

My two cents, for you to take or leave as you see fit.

[Grace21]

Journaling….

Had a good GAL weekend! 5 mile walk with a MeetUp group. Met a terrific woman and talked with her the whole way. Spent the rest of the day at our neighborhood Fall Fest, and watched some football in the evening. Sunday church, 2 hour visit with MIL, errands, finished a home project, and relaxing in the evening. All in all a great weekend.
Tonight D19 comes home for the week, and tomorrow night S21 does. Can’t wait to hang out with my kiddos. I’m having brief periods of anxiousness about H coming over on Thursday, but I will just be cute, pleasant, and provide a terrific meal for the family. No expectations.

Someone posted on their thread (DejaVu) about whether to take her ring off. I have been thinking about this on and off for a while. H has had his off since he moved out. I am definitely not there yet. I still in some ways feel married. After 27 years, that feeling is strong, and will have to change gradually, I think. Maybe it’s a bit of hope, too. Whatever the reason, it stays for now. I have a fantasy that if we end up divorced, I take it off in a dramatic sort of way at the divorce proceedings, place it in a little pouch, and tuck it away. To me, I think that will be the only way I won’t feel married….After signing papers and the decree is granted. Maybe I’ll feel differently if this goes on for weeks into months. Who knows?

Heading into Thanksgiving week, I am thinking about all the things to be thankful for. There are many. But the things that get me through day-to-day are the small things that could go unnoticed. First cup of coffee in the morning before dawn, the chirping of a bird at the feeder, stroking my cat while I watch TV, anticipating the arrival of my kids, or getting a text message from sister just checking to see how I’m doing (just now). Small things when put together, give me contentment and peace.

I wish that for all of you struggling. Contentment and peace.

[ballast]

Grace just wanted to say on the ring question, simply put go with whatever makes YOU comfortable. in the 10-ish months since my W left I've had my ring on, off, on, off. bottom line the only person who decides that is YOU. somedays I had mine off, sometimes on...let what your feeling in the moment guide you. some on here are more "you are still married, keep it on" others are less so. again what you feel comfortable with.

funny you bring it up, I've had mine off now for good for about 2 months or so, but for different reasons/thoughts/feelings there's been a part of me that recently wanted to put it back on even though my sitch as far as R goes is hopeless and I didn't even want to put it back on in hopes it will counter that. and if you flip flop back and forth, NO ONE but you has to understand why.

I'm very happy to hear about your GAL and totally agree with your thoughts on Thanksgiving. Even in the worst of times in life we have blessings to be thankful for.

-b

[Grace21]

Wow. What a night. Started out so happy. Both kids finally in the house for 5 whole days. I just love them so much, and the older they get, the more interesting they are becoming. Sure, they like to do their own thing when they are home, but just to have them here…I’m not alone. And they seem to really enjoy talking with me. Reminds me that all the sacrifices I made throughout the years, especially the isolation of an at-home mom with a H that buried himself in his own hobbies outside the home, were 100% worth it!

Then….Bam. Happiness turns to sadness. Late night phone call from the nursing home. My MIL passed away. What?! I just spent over 2 hours with her on Sunday! She was doing poorly mentally, but no signs that death was imminent. She was 89. I guess just her time. The nursing home called ME. Does that give you an idea the involvement I had in her care? They didn’t mention they even tried H first. My phone is on silent after nine, but several important #s can get through, family, and the nursing home. I guess H doesn’t think he needed to do that. 5 calls, 2 text messages. I finally had to leave a VM that his mom passed. How sad. I’m angry at him for it! Once again, left to me to deal with a situation. Spent some time at the home to say goodbye and make sure she was sent to the proper place. I guess H will call in the morning. I don’t think I’ll sleep at all tonight. Hope he is having a nice sleep. Ugh.

So, now I can almost predict what will happen. H will look to me on who to call, what to do, etc. I had always taken care of everything related to his parents care and estate. I want to take care of things for my MIL. I loved her and was close to her. But I want to also say “You don’t want to live like we are married, so figure it out”. But, my heart tells me this isn’t the time to dig in my heels. I really don’t know what to do. Maybe it will be clearer in the morning.

Heaven received an angel tonight.