Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2822797 11/19/18 02:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thankyou for letting me join your site . I was bomb dropped 7 months ago now wife moved out to a rented room wants to be on her own and the likes . My problem is that I cannot seem to stop cycling backwards to anger and depression I get all kinds of thoughts in my head should I just call it a day should I wait etc etc , I seem to have couple of good days then a few bad days really getting to me now . I just hate being in this situation it seems as though my life has stopped even though I have taken up new hobbies and interests my thoughts will not stop focusing on her even though I’ve read up in what to do to help myself . Everyday my thoughts keep going back to her what’s she up to and all that stuff that wears you down to the ground . I just feel if I don’t stop I’m going to end up with a nervous breakdown if I’m not careful . One of the issues I’m having is whether she’s in an affair or not that thought constantly eats me up and I know I’m not doing myself any favours with this way of thinking but even though I have odd days not thinking about it my mind always goes back to that way of thinking .coupd you please give me some advise to get myself out of this horrid rut and move forward. Her mlc is about her and I know that I can’t help her but if only I could be strong enough in my own mind to cope with this it would help me a lot

R678 #2822799 11/19/18 03:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
R678 #2822812 11/19/18 03:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thankyou for your reply I certainly will read all there is to read can I just ask if the time will come when I will stop cycling back and forth or does it go on for a long time

R678 #2822813 11/19/18 03:53 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted by R678
can I just ask if the time will come when I will stop cycling back and forth or does it go on for a long time


Yes you will stop cycling back and forth but yes it takes a long time.

MLC is a MARATHON not a sprint.

Take a deep breath and start working on the one person you can control, YOU.


Me-70, D37,S36
R678 #2822821 11/19/18 04:29 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

I am sorry for the situation you are in. The cycling of emotions feels terrible. I am sure you have read different situations on this site and have seen the kind and knowledge people and their caring advice. A lot of advice will seem counterintuitive, and not what you want to hear. You are not alone, we know with what you struggle.

Feel free to post as often as you wish. Ask questions, journal, vent - it really does help.

Perhaps you can fill in some details. How long have you been married? Any kids? Ages of all parties?

You mentioned your W moved out to be on her own 7 months ago. Have you separated the finances, house payments, bills, rent of new place, is she just paying her way, custody of children (if there are any). I am sure you have made arrangements in these matters, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to share them. These are a source of attachment to your absent spouse, a method to hang on, probably unrealized and devious in how it continually ensnares you.

Other trapping thoughts are of her possible affair. You are correct, it will eat you up, grind you down, and an emotional breakdown is a real possibility. Good for you to see this hazard, and even better to reach out for help and guidance.

You state you know that her MLC is about her and that you cannot help her. It is clear you have done some homework and are leading with the correct foot, so to speak. You have heard, I am sure, focus on you.

You will hear this many times. It is very sound advice.

Focus on you.

You need emotional detachment. A place where the actions or emotional state of your W does not cause an uncontrollable change in your emotional state.

For me, accuracy was the key. I have wrote about it, heck who am I kidding I’ve wrote about all kinds of stuff. smile

Anyhow, be accurate in thought and heart - truly accurate. See what she is doing, what you are thinking, feeling, your behaviours, the effects at work. Shine that light on to your situation, into every dark recess, do not allow denial to hide out anywhere or gain a foothold. This is tough, too be sure.

As you look accurately, you start to understand. Undsrstnding will lead to accepting. Acceptance leads to detachment. More or less. This is not linear, and the delimitation between stages are not carved in stone.

In a larger view, you are addicted to your W. Don’t worry, I think that is normal, a good sign of a good relationship. However, now that very attachment is hurting you. Every time you act or behave like you used to, like your very instincts tell you too, you are reenforcing this addiction. It is a struggle to see this within one’s self. Once you do, you will realize that was the harder part, accurately seeing things helps with the withdrawal.

R678, I know I have giving you a lot at one time. You are 7 months in, I think you can handle it.

Focus on you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2822861 11/19/18 06:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
What a truly wonderful reply thank you so much well to answer a couple of your questions we have been together 27 years married for 6 years have 3 grown up children and 7 grandchildren my age is 54 wife 47 I didn’t really know about mlc until she gave me the bomb drop and since then have spent every day trying to find more information on it I wished I had found your site earlier on but st least Im here now . I have been on hearts blessing so that has gave me a wealth of information and as they say you can never have to much information. They have told me she is in replay stage so at least I know where she is at .regarding house finances I’m paying all the bills in our house now ,she pays her rent where she is at the moment. The one thing I am struggling with every single day is with anxiety. I tried some anti depressants 3 different types to be exact but they all made me feel worse so stopped taking them . You are right about the affair side of things because I know that if she is or does havie an affair my heart will be broken more than it is now but I do know she’s been texting (a friend)as she says when I confronted her about it a while ago now and the daughter has asked her and she says there is no one else just want to be in my own but who knows .just the thought of her being intimate with someone else breaks me but I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it I just hope and pray that she’s strong enough not to but who knows .i know from reading that mlc is triggered by an event and know that her mother passing on most proberly triggered it but thinking back over a couple over 2 or 3 years somethings that she said didn’t quite add up the daughter even said something about her a couple of years ago so maybe denial and anger could of started then I also know that she has many childhood issues as we have spoken about some of them in the past ,so I know that she must face these also plus she has suffered depression a few times over the years so I guess this makes her an ideal candidate for mlc. We are still in contact she comes to the house roughly once a week gets her post although half the time I do not know how to handle it .the spewing seems to have stopped awhile ago now ,for now ,as she hadn’t spewed for a while now but then again half the conversation is only small talk as I find I do not want to get to much into a conversation with her as I find I don’t know what to say to her I suppose I’m just treading carefully. It is so hard when your feelings are still intact but there’s aren’t I sometimes wish you could see the mlc like you can measles or something (wishful thinking on my part I think ) as you don’t really know what’s going through there mind at anytime and the worst thing is nobody else can see it although the kids know she’s not her normal self and I've told ld them about mlc so they do know. She has definitely distanced her self to a degree from the kids they even say mom never phones us or nothing any more so I told them how it works so at least they understand .so for now I’ve filled you in on my situation and just hope that with your help and guidance I can get to know how to get through this.i will post more about the last 7 months since bombstop as It comes back to me .

R678 #2823110 11/20/18 07:42 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
DNJ gives great advice

Good for you to see antidepressants will not solve this

Most of us here experienced what you are experiencing

You can and will get though this

It will get better

And thoughts of OMs are the worst

Sadly for most of us there is an EA or PA of some sort

They say there is no way around the pain

Only through the pain

I tried the pain avoidance technique

And it did not work

It only made things worse

Only made me feel more trapped in that pain

So yes write vent cry question scream yell

Here and IRL

Most have no idea how to suppprt you

But you will find help if you open yourself to it

And it may come from someone you least suspect


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
R678 #2825837 12/05/18 01:41 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hil haven’t posted for a while so here goes .well I’m still cycling back and forth the
With the anxiety the one I cannot seem to shift .not spoken to the mlc for a week now and although I’m concentrating on myself it’s still hard to keep the focus off of her and on me I constantly struggle.i don’t know I’m having a lot of mixed thoughts and feelings confusion it’s all there even the anger makes it’s way through .to be honest I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on because soon as I open my eyes bang instant thoughts again which then sets you off for the day .mayve I’m not strong enough to get through this and I’ll carry on moping around feeling sorry for myself which I don’t want to I want to move forward but don’t know how.itS funny really because although I do still love her I can’t help but be angry at her for making me Like this .its hard as well as because we moved 6 years ago I haven’t really made a lot of friends so apart from a work colleague I haven’t really got anybody to talk to.sometimes I get the thought in my head oh just divorce her then that disappears and the other main issue comes into my head who’s she with is she seeing someone else blah blah blah all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them I honestly do not know what the answer is.yoi know it’s been 7 months now since bd and I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this I thought it would be better once she moved out but I’m not sure if it is well it is because I couldn’t carry on Living as we were that was horrific but I can’t have these feelings like I have all the time it’s not healthy for me . Is it right to feel resentment toward her for making you like this I know that it’s not her fault she’s having a mlc but the way it’s made me is just not good.you know I even say to myself I’d wished I’d never met her because at least I wouldn’t be like this and I know that’s just anger talking but I can’t seem to break the cycle I wouldn’t wish this on anybody

R678 #2825844 12/05/18 02:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 87
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 87
R678: give yourself the kindness and space to feel all of the above. Is it normal to feel all these things? Yes, it is, for you. Most of us have gone through all the same iterations as you. Even 2 years after BD I still can cycle through all of the above, but it is much much better. It is hard work this focusing on yourself and letting go. It is so normal for our minds to keep going to thinking about them, what is "lost" or what maybe we could have done or do. But it is important to constantly remind yourself that although you feel that way she is in her own crises, and you are not a part of it. You didn't create it, and yes you are a victim of it. So sadness, loss, anger, shock, denial. All of these are how we try to cope.

Habit and practice helps, keep doing things for yourself, try to distract yourself from the negative thoughts. Find things to do for yourself. Talk to people who understand (most of the time friends may not). Is therapy an option? It will help you sort through the maze of feelings.

Also holidays and big events tend to be triggers of these feelings, specially very early on (and yes 7 months is very early on unfortunately). But to be aware of that may also help, knowing this is part of the coping and healing.

Keep posting, put words to your feelings, allow yourself to feel bad, note it, then try to turn away to more positive things.

R678 #2825852 12/05/18 02:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Hi

hang in there
everything your feeling is normal
It will pass
In the mean tme, listen to some positive u tube videos

I recommend
Joel Olsteen
Tony Robbings
Les Brown
Abrahma Hicks

these will uplift you and just practice letting go
shift the thoughts to a hobby
get a hobby
help someone in need volunteer at a church
anything to get through-

join a sipport group
or a 12 step group
or a club to get more interactions


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
R678 #2825854 12/05/18 02:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
R678. So sorry you are feeling this way. I know too well what that feels like. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I concur with everything MarvinF said. IC would help. An antidepressant might be a temporary help as well. I have a friend who went through something similar and she says that was what helped her in her sitch. As tough as it is, you need to start getting out there and doing some things for yourself. Do you have any meetup groups in your area? Google it to see. I have a couple and I forced myself to go out last week on a hike with one of the groups and enjoyed it despite my reluctant mindset. Last night I went to a fundraiser and had a great time. I was feeling quite down before I left but made myself go. Again, I enjoyed it despite myself. I also bought myself a guitar last week and bought some online beginner lessons. I’ve always wanted to learn so it is something I can work on when my mind starts going down unwanted paths. I am also planning a New Year’s Eve party with a few friends. Do I feel like hosting? Not really. But I know it is a way more enjoyable alternative to sitting at home by myself wondering what my H is up to. A cheeseless tunnel, IMO. As hard as it is, and I KNOW it is hard, you just have to fake it until you make it. If you are consistent, you will find that you are feeling a bit better, in spite of yourself. Do not be afraid to let go. When you let go, you will find yourself again. (((R678)))

R678 #2825872 12/05/18 04:10 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
So can I ask what are the emotions that the. Mid life Criser is going through are they feeling the same kind of emotions and anxiety as the lbs or are they different I only ask because I don’t know really how they feel I understand depression is there but do they cycle like us or are their emotions different I just want to get a handle on these things so I have more of an understanding

R678 #2825875 12/05/18 04:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Well I’ll certainly have a look for some groups in my area to see what is available although it’s quite a small village I live in but hope that there is something if not I’ll have to go further afield .i know that really the only person that can help myself is me but as you know it’s that old self esteem thing again or should I say the lack of it lol but yes I will see what’s out there. dejavu6 if I was nearer I would come to your party that would no doubt cheer me up

R678 #2825908 12/05/18 05:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
There is a resource thread on this forum that has a lot of good info. Here are two threads that you might be interested in:

MLC Thru The Eyes Of A Visitor

In tandem--MLC and Depression



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2826105 12/06/18 04:32 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
R,

Sorry you find yourself here, but you found a great
Place,

There are many wise people here, and I honestly can say
God, first and DnJ and Peacetoday and Dejavu and so
Many more here I can name help me with this process

Everytime I was ready to give up, they reminded
Everything they offer I took even we are in different
Country and states this group has been my rope I been
Holding on too.

Now your like many of us, we want answers

Unfortunately Mlcers is a long road. Your W is not
going to snap out of it. The question is are you willing to
wait. Is like your W being in a como. Because when your W
Does wake up I have read many stories they don't remember

They will be shock on everything they have created.

I am being honest I also think I went through a MLCers
And I don't remember nothing. I sometimes get Facebook
Memories from that year. And let me tell I wrote some ridiculous
Thing.

But I woke up and became a better me. And found God again

It almost took me to die but if that it what I needed
Then I am glad I did. Because even my kids say you where
A good mom but your like amazing now.

So that shows us is a process. You got to let W go.

I also want you to know even if your not involved
with a church you still can go to one and ask them.

They have Divorce groups,
www.divorcegroup.com

You can find one.

As Peacetoday said listen to lots of Spiritual videos

YouTube does wonders even when your driving.

I am going on 1yr and 8 months and I can be drinking and
Tears will flow.

R, is ok to cry and scream let it out.

Don't let anger get the best of us.
We build up anger because we don't want to cry.

Yelp that was me. Until finally and let myself feel and tears
Just came and I couldn't stop crying for 4 to 5 hours but
It felt so good to just let it out. And scream and
Remind myself is Ok M to feel this way.

But remember is not your fault
This was going to happen even if your W married
Someone else. This was already part of plan.

So keep writing, one of us will get to you.

We are all here to support each other


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
R678 #2826442 12/08/18 03:42 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

The cycling back and forth is terrible. Please know it is normal, we’ve all experienced it, and it will pass. The mixed feelings, the anger, the confusion, all normal.

Keep your focus on you and your kids, as best you can.

Originally Posted by R678
...to be honest I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on because soon as I open my eyes bang instant thoughts again which then sets you off for the day.

Yes, that is exactly how it is, and it will get better. You will reach a point where she is not your first thought of the day. Honest.

Originally Posted by R678
maybe I’m not strong enough to get through this and I’ll carry on moping around feeling sorry for myself which I don’t want to I want to move forward but don’t know how.

R678, focusing on you doesn’t mean ignoring or denying your feelings or what is happening. It is a conscious shift in concentration, determination, and thought to adjust your feelings and thought processes away from your spouse and all the BS. You focus on what you can control and therefore change - You!

While doing that, all those terrible feelings, thoughts, and pain - learn to accept them. Do not try to ignore, deny, or think they will just go away - they don’t. You learn to accept them for what they are, which will reduce them down to actual size - they really are not as big as they seem. That is how you move forward.

The other thing to really work on is how you speak about, and think about things. It affects how you feel about things and will help or hinder your progress.

To see what I mean let’s start with your quote from above. Maybe I’m not strong enough - your brain doesn’t hear the maybe, it hears “I’m not strong enough”.

I’ll carry on moping round feeling sorry for myself. I know you don’t want that, so don’t think it. The brain is a powerful force and it will enact what you are telling it to do.

Some other items:
- I haven’t really got anybody to talk to.
- main issue comes into my head who’s she with
- is she seeing someone else
- all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them
- I honestly do not know what the answer is.
- I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this
- I thought it would be better once she moved out
- I’d wished I’d never met her

It is good to see these, to vent, to post your feelings - they are all valid and true. Now, accept them, stop reinforcing these ideas in your mind. Shift your concentration and focus on you. Change your feelings.

Let’s try and give you some help.

- haven’t really got anybody to talk to.

You’re talking with me, Gordie, MarvinF, peacetoday, DejaVu6, job, marina7. You probably have some people in real life also. You can also see a counsellor.


- main issue comes into my head who’s she with
- is she seeing someone else

This one is hard and terrible. It is a source of much suffering, I know. I had so much pain from this. The harsh reality is you need to accept it. It has happened, you cannot change it. She may or may not be seeing someone. It is best to assume she is and prepare for it. It is just staggering how many MLCers have affairs. It means nothing, really! Do not give it any more power over you. Realize it is just a symptom, a band-aid, accept this and move forward.


- all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them

Remember you are not trying to stop them, just focus on you and learn to accept them, to accept the truth.


- I honestly do not know what the answer is.

I think maybe you will start seeing an answer.


- I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this

Very true. However, do not dwell and reinforce this idea. See and feel your feelings, then let them go and move forward. Keep focusing on you.


- I thought it would be better once she moved out

Her moving out does change some dynamics. However, most of what is causing your emotional ride is in your own head. The addiction to our spouse is very powerful and hard to break. Keep at it, you will get there.


- I’d wished I’d never met her

This, like lots of other things, is just a small innocuous thought. It does add to the rest. Wishing for something that can never be can lead to a denial of what is going on.

You and her had a long time together, 3 kids, and 7 grandkids. I am sure there are many happy memories. Do not wish it away. Ensure you know your true desires.

I would think you more wish she never had MLC or suffered whatever trauma she experienced so long ago. I think, that if you look closely, you cherished the time you had with her. Don’t diminish it, it is such a source of strength.

However, for now just acknowledge you love her and move on. Do not change or rewrite your own history, and do not get lost in memory lane.


I hope this helps.

Keep the focus on you, with all that it means.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2826720 12/10/18 02:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
I cannot really explain exactly how I feel right at the moment due to the anxiety I’m feeling due to w and her anger . It started yesterday really because I wouldn’t drop something off for her angry text messages then came forth . I left it alone and the last text I received said she would come in the morning,well, talk about carry it over to the next day she was raging so much anger in there all aimed at me . I honestly cannot get where they think that your expected to do as they want ie drop item off at their beck and call . My anxiety was going through the roof but I kept calm .its funny because for the last few interactions over the last few weeks haven’t been to bad but today I seen her mlc in action again .its strange because you think they’ve moved forward maybe they have but the anger today was as bad as 8 months ago .i know when she’s got the raving hump sits there back to you no eye contact standoffish everything you say there’s a sarcastic comment looking for more ammunition to spew . After a while calms down a bit tells me keeps. Waking up at odd hours which I know really is part of it but you dont dare to try to mention why not worth another row . Ihave been following her mlc now for 8 months or so and I can clearly see the depression the anger all not nice but knowing you can’t say or do anything makes it even harder but I’m learning .i actually had thoughts of throwing in the towel because t it’s probably just my own anger inside it’ll pass .

R678 #2826729 12/10/18 02:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 404
R,
Yelp that's MLCers

They want something now... and if you say
The word No.. ih W 3yrs old going to come
out and the tantrums and the throwing items
at you. Or even better the words out there mouth.

-I wish I never met you
-Just go kill yourself.. yelp my favorite W said that a couple
Times to me. I am being sarcastic also..
-This is why we never getting back together
-I now see why I left you

Yelp I can go on amd on..
The difference I have young kids.

But if you and w have no young kids..

Please send her a text politely

From now on contact me through emails.
I will no longer take your angry text.
And we can set up a time and day I can drop
Items to you.

Or even better drop them off or mail but stay away

I did this with my W. W is a monster MLCERS
If W says jump I am suppose to jump.
Again I took advice from many here and thank
God I did my anxiety is not bad is almost gone
And I finally can breathe.

Mlcers have a way of bullying LBS don't let
Yourself be bullied.

Once W recieved text. I recommend block W.

Just for Now until they are not in that angry stage.


At BD
Lesbian marriage
Me39,W36
S9,D9,S8 adopted all three
Together almost 10yrs
Bomb Drop - April 2017
W movedout - May,2017
OW June,2017
Currently 2018
Me40, W38
S10,D10,S9
R678 #2826751 12/10/18 04:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
I honestly feel I do not know which way to turn anymore what a horrible place to be sometimes u sit back and the whole situation seems surreal considering this time last year everything was well ok or so I I thought it just goes to show how much can happen in a year really . I’ve never been a person who suffered with anxiety depression any mental illness really it just shows how it can happen to anyone given the right circumstances.i had heard of an mlc but I did not know what I now know .well it’s not just the criser going through it it’s us as well ,you try and muddle through the best you can not knowing what the outcome will be just learning an uncharted road as you go full of twists turns dips and peaks and through it all you ask yourself all the time if what your doing is the right choice because if it doesn’t work out then all that time you’ve used for no avail could of been put to healing yourself if you were to walk away. I must say I have serious concerns as to whether we’ll reconcile if she comes through this I can only wait and see what happens in the future but as it stands right at the moment I’ feel like I’m on a hiding to nothing probably because of today’s exhibition but I suppose it’s just the way this thing goes.unchartered territory ,unknown answers and lots of heartache and pain. my perception of it all when they are being how their being it makes you have thoughts of quitting because at that moment you can only feel ,not hatred but more resignation that this might be how it is from now on and is it worth the fight and pain only to lose at the end anyway. Idon’t know maybe it’s just my feelings at this moment in time but I’ll be strong I’ll s stick with the journey I’m on for now I’ll prey for us both and hope for the best and know that tomorrows another day and should be better than today

R678 #2826937 12/11/18 04:23 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
R678 - That anger that is coming out is good. The MLCer needs to vent to get that rage out of themselves.

However, YOU are most important! Do not forget this!!

Having that venting focused on you is taxing and damaging if you are not well into indifference. There are many strategies and methods of protecting one’s self from the MLCers assaults. No contact, going dark, limited contact, use only email, everything in writing, etc...

You must give space and time, for them and you. Too much interaction and subsequent angry outburst from her will damage you and erode away your love for her till eventually nothing is left. Boundaries, barriers, and not being bullied is to protect you and if you want to maybe someday reconcile, it is to maintain your feelings for her.

Above all else - Focus on you.

Originally Posted by R678
...through it all you ask yourself all the time if what your doing is the right choice because if it doesn’t work out then all that time you’ve used for no avail could of been put to healing yourself if you were to walk away.

R678, please listen. Focusing on yourself is how you heal. It is also about the only path to have a chance at reconciling.

Focusing on you, is the right choice. If it doesn’t work out, all that time is well invested in healing.

You need to heal. Walking away, will not make it any easier, or lead to healing any faster. I believe walking away will make it harder and healing will be less complete at best.

I understand, you are on a difficult path not of your making or choosing. It is so riddled with holes, turns, hills, bends, pain, and heartache. I truely understand what you are feeling. Stay on the path, keep moving forward, and focus on you.

You will get through this.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2827440 12/13/18 03:07 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Can I just ask when they say they become the opposite of what they were what exactly does that mean

R678 #2827484 12/13/18 05:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Sure, you can ask. I'll try to explain it to you.

When you are around a person, you get to know them and their likes and dislikes. For example, say your spouse likes certain types of movies, hobbies, drinks, food, clothing, etc. Then when that person enters into MLC, those things will change. They will become the opposite of the person you knew. Their likes will change, some change up the way they dress, music will change, the crowd that they hang out with now will be different, they may not have smoked previously, but will pick up the habit, some take up drinking, gambling drugs and the one thing that we have noticed is that the person they hook up with is the opposite of the spouse that they left behind. Neat freaks become slobs, those that like to go to bed at a reasonable hour become night owls and the list can go on and on. Their behavior and actions are the opposite of who they were before crisis.

Does this answer your question?


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job #2827507 12/13/18 07:20 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
thankyou for that It certainly answers my question . If I think about it I can see what your saying in some of the things she does for example before the crisis she was a tidy person always tidying things up and the such but what I notice now if she comes her while I’m at work or whatever she had a cup of tea and sandwich or the like but when I come in never is the cup or plates washed up there just left on the side for me to wash up which I don’t mind I just find it strange I guess it’s a case of he can do it lol.

R678 #2827556 12/13/18 11:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
My H hasn't washed a dish or taken out the trash or walked the dog or done actually almost a single thing around this house since MLC started five years ago. I come in from shoveling the walk in an ice storm and he is lolling on the couch in front of the fire. He woke up for about a week last year and started helping and fixing with great energy, and then withdrew again and my "life as a housekeeper" began again.

Last edited by Gerda; 12/13/18 11:35 PM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
R678 #2828583 12/19/18 10:38 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
I was talking to a good friend of Mine the other day now I have heard and read about people who say oh don’t wait to long you’ve got a life as well what happens if someone comes along blah blah blah this coming from someone who me and the W who have known this friend for 30 years .i guess it’s true what they say about people having an opinion on what you should do but the reality is would they walk away if it was them I very much doubt it . Don’t get me wrong I do have thoughts like that for about a microsecond but to walk now would in my eyes be giving up the fight and I’m not a quitter I said I’d wait and I will for how long who knows only I will know that if and when it arises,although sometimes you do question yourself as to why you would want to wait for someone who treats you so bad is a question u do not know the answer to I just know I have to for now . Mind you she has cycled back to anger because she’s so angry at me even though we’re not living together anymore she still has anger towards me .she was ok for a bit but now seems so angry again and I don’t know why .i am still struggling myself with it all still cycling Back and forth I knew this was going be hard but it is s harder than I ever imagined I can see my faith being tested to the max on this one . Mind you it’s not just at me because the daughter was talking with her on the phone the other day and ended up rowing with her after ten mins also other people are noticing how she has changed and become selfish and not the person they knew and if people ask me I won’t lie I’ll tell them the truth MLC I’m afraid.in just having a little vent I think ,I need to

R678 #2828585 12/19/18 11:41 AM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
The anger is terrible because they are just plain angry at themselves and everything and everyone around them. The least little thing can set them off and that why living w/a MLCer is called walking on eggshells. The best thing you can do is leave them to their anger and walk away after you say something like 'I'm sorry you feel this way". Try not to argue w/them if you can. They are looking for validation as to why they feel the way they do.

I am sorry that she's acting like this w/the holidays fast approaching. Try to find things to do w/your family and leave her to her time and space. She needs to figure things out for herself.

People have opinions on what you should or should not do...but until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand what you are going through.

Hang in there!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2828814 12/20/18 01:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Well w turned up this morning no anger today but don’t they Moan . Moaning about this and that not at me but just genarally. The one thing I noticed though was I had no anxiety,none Which was a nice surprise for me as I thought oh here we go again but no nothing . I still find it strange how they behave differently all the time. One good thing is I didn’t feel nothing towards her , maybe im learning to detach from her I don’t know but I was quite proud that I didn’t push anything and let her do the talking or moaning lol I think if I didn’t have you people to explain how it is I wouldof lost the plot by now due to the different mood types all the time . It is very strange how you can look at them and they look perfectly normal yetyou don’t really know what’s in their mind . I still struggle sometimes thinking whether there’s an affair going on or not but I tend to not focus on it as much now it is what it is and it’s her cross to bear if she is.you have decided that I will wait 2 years after that no more what happens happens I cannot wait indefinitely because that would be foolish on my part and I think 2 years is ample time considering I think she’s already been in this crisis for 2 years or so with b/ d 8 months ago I think need to set a timeline for my sake I think it gives me some kind of Ending to this one way or the other

R678 #2828818 12/20/18 01:56 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Sounds like you are beginning to detach a bit. You will find that detaching is for you and not to get her to change. A timeline for you is okay, but things can and will change as she works through her crisis. Actually, their moods can change very quickly. One thing I learned is that when my xh was ranting, I would change the subject very quickly and he would settle down.

One thing you need to understand, this is a very emotional journey for them and yes, their emotions are all over the place.

So, what are your plans for the holiday season? Notice I asked what YOUR plans are. Find things to keep yourself busy and motivated and leave her to her little world.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2828823 12/20/18 02:03 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
HI

Try to keep the focus on you

The process takes a long time

2 years is a good mark because you can focus on you for that time
You can grieve the old R because it is done-
you can begin to notice the changes you want to make in yourself
and create a new life- new hobbies-maybe connecting with a new or old friend
doing things that make you happy, church, volunteering
sports, whatever is your thing-

during this time- you can watch her- her choices- her changes her actions-
you will know more later
Many will not make it though MLC without some devastating changes
but usually the LBS will land on their feet

watch your finances and credit cards..
do you have kids?


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
R678 #2828836 12/20/18 02:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Well for the holidays I have one of my sons coming up to the house with his partner and the new grandchild so that should be nice to see them and the new baby as I haven’t met her yet I’m so looking forward to that and then on the 28th a birthday meal for the daughter so that should be a nice day my other son is coming up for new year but he has got the hump with her as he has phoned and phoned and messaged her without even 1reply so says he’s not phoning or messaging her no more same as the daughter really. I have tried to explain to them what is happening but I think because they don’t realky understand mlc although I have explained some of it to them they struggle to understand why she is being like she is toward them .they can see a big change in her and it is hard for them because they only know the old mom not the way she is now so it is hard for them as well .

R678 #2829022 12/20/18 10:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,654
Assume there is an affair. Now what does that change for you? In reality not much. Bust at least if you take it as being true, maybe you can stop wondering and hence dwelling on it. Easy to say but not to do.

My advice to you is to concentrate on sorting your issues out first. You are broken. In that state you are unlikely to fix anything else. And if she did come back, you are not in a position to build a new R. I am blunt but do so with your best interest in mind.

I will repeat a slogan that is doing the rounds on internet: it's okay to not be okay.But no doctor or medicine can change that unless you are ready for it to change.

This is a tough time. The good folk here can help you through it.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
R678 #2829046 12/20/18 11:40 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
how old is she?


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
peacetoday #2829059 12/21/18 12:33 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
She’s 47

R678 #2829271 12/21/18 08:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
R678

You sound like a planner

I will only wait two years

I cannot wait indefinitely

I get that

But here is what I learned

MLC does not follow our timeline

But if two years gives you peace of mind then great

It is far enough away to give yourself breathing room

I am a planner too

And I have learned the hard way

To let go

I am not in control


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
R678 #2829510 12/23/18 07:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

I understand the timeline, I had one as well.

My timeline or deadline was forged from my desire for this to be over. Until D16 graduates (a year and a half from now) and then ... and then ... well I don’t know what then. It was more I won’t do anything until then. Ok, good. No divorce, no girlfriend, I’ll stand. Good. So again after graduation - then what?

What I learned is two years, three years, whatever - is a long time. A very long time to not do anything. Some deadline, even far off, looms and presses upon you. You will fixate on that arbitrary date and its effects will be detrimental.

Throw out any timeline or deadline you have. Her healing, her path, will take as long as it takes.

So will yours.

That is really important - So Will Yours.

How can we know a timeline for our healing, espically when in the midst of it.

Live for today, find happiness in the now of everything you do. Do not wait, or think that after some deadline I will be better and will move on then. Live for now.

That does not mean move on. I mean live for R678, find him, heal him.

You do not need to figure out when this will be over, you will know when you want it to be over, and it will not follow some schedule.

You will live for you, you will learn what makes you tick, your beliefs, desires, hopes, and fears. You can become better, compassionate, kind, and lose a need for a deadline. That is a cool place to live. That is probably the only place one can really stand from. It is also the best place to stand down from.

Let go of her, her path, her timeline. Let go of your deadline, your schedule. Just live. There is a schedule, a timeline, a path, we are all on one - it will be revealed as we walk it. Find peace with that idea and you can weather quite a storm, no matter how long it lasts.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2829593 12/24/18 06:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thankyou dnj such kind comforting words full of wisdom . Isn’t it strange how a few words can change your way of thinking .i feel we say things that make sense at that particular moment due to how we feel but as we reflect a few days later and our own mood has changed we feel different then we tend to think differently. I was probably cycling back to anger when I set that timeline but now a few days later it’s different. I will take your advice and drop the timeline ,I think you just become overwhelmed with it all at times and want some inner peace from it all . Although yes she’s abandoned me due to her mlc I feel that’ if I did the same whilst she’s going through this then I’m not a very good person because we know it’s an illness of sorts you wouldn’t abandon them if you were together and they were ill so I know it’s not exactly the same but the same rule applies as such , and not only that I couldn’t live with myself if I did completely cut her off so when ,and if she needed to talk or needed some help and couldn’t come to me .that’s not in my nature.

R678 #2831572 01/07/19 03:07 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi all happy new year to you all . Well I have haven’t posted for a while so thought I’d give an update . Over the last few days I have been ok almost no anxiety or depression yet today it comes back and hits like a ton of bricks .slthough now I know that I’m going to do this I sort of understand that the feelings will subside and hopefully won’t stay In the same mindset for to long . When I do cycle back it feels as though no growth has taken place within me but I know it has because the episodes do not last as long as before although they are just as intense and sure enough the mind wanders to all those negative thoughts which I know do not do you any favours . Once again I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I hate feeling like this .why is it that you cycle back and forth like you do

R678 #2834182 01/24/19 04:55 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi all not posted for a while thought I’d give you an update on things . For the last couple of days things haven’t been to bad not a lot of anxiety yet today back with a vengeance don’t know what triggered it but it’s back . It’s a shame really because like I say last couple of days been fine actually felt normal for a while ,you seem to forget what normal is until you reach it foraThe wife im sure is trying to use me for her own purposes I see now where they say when they want something their nice as pie to you but the niceness is to over the top so you know you can actually see through it I stood my ground and refused what she wanted and expected some grief but didn’t get any I think there’s some cake eating going on but I won’t be part of it so that’s that . I don’t know I find that because of the way they are toward you you sometimes ,I feel like I’m being standoffish toward her and not fully engaged with her . To be fair in 3 weeks I’ve probably only seen her once or twice she comes to the house for a few hours and even then I feel she’s checking up to make sure things are where they should be snd the likes to see if I’ve changed anything . What i do find though is when she is there she gives me anxiety and I don’t know why what I do know is the days I don’t have any anxiety are becoming more as 2 months ago every day was filled with anxiety now it’s not every day but it’s still there so at least I know I’m slowly getting there and not stuck in one stage .which I was getting worried about.

R678 #2834202 01/24/19 05:47 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
Sounds like you are moving towards detachment. I am four months in and have noticed that I am having a lot less anxiety as well. I know that if I start thinking a certain way, it will return though, so I try to put a stop that kind of thinking as soon as I become aware of it. As time passes, I am getting better at it. Just keep doing what you are doing. There will continue to be good and bad days but the good will begin to outnumber the bad as long as you keep working at it. (((HUGS)))

R678 #2834327 01/25/19 01:14 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

Nice to see you again. Very good update, you are progressing well.

DV is correct, you are moving towards detachment. Be patient and hang in there, it is coming.

It is interesting to see the MLCers “nice as pie” attitude. It is so over the top, kind of childish really, thinking they will fool people with their acting.

Originally Posted by R678
what I do know is the days I don’t have any anxiety are becoming more as 2 months ago every day was filled with anxiety now it’s not every day but it’s still there so at least I know I’m slowly getting there and not stuck in one stage .which I was getting worried about.

Don’t worry you’re not stuck.

The LBS does not complete one stage then move on to the next stage. There are many smaller items, concerns, feelings, etc... all progressing differently. They all cannot proceed together, there is just too much to accept all at once. So some things are still in denial, others are anger, and others in bargaining, depression, or acceptance. This why we cycle. Something comes up that is “new” to us, and has not been realized, and while it is dominate in your mind you are back in earlier stages.

So, what do you feel when you are not so full of anxiety? What are you thinking then?

Those moments are the building blocks for detachment, and an excellent sign of progress. Try to see, to rationalize, to understand - you are anxiety free, you are not tied to her actions or emotional state. This realizations takes time, your mind has to accept it. Just slowly and patiently “see” how you are not tied. The best progress happens when you are calm and not forcing things.

I may have mentioned this once or twice ( smile ). Be accurate. Seeing things accurately helps with detachment and has many other returns and benefits.

Stay strong and continue to focus on you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2834651 01/28/19 01:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi all I have a question which has been bugging me for a while now and I can’t work it out . Why do I ask myself am I married to this person did we have children together were we together for all those years because it seems like we weren’t but I know we were , is it because of how they distance from you or is it because my mind has altered I don’t know but it is all very surreal. Also the kids have said that she’s looking old and withdrawn big bags under her eyes looking tired does the crisis age them or is it something else . They also said that she is struggling for money and although this does play on my mind and I feel i should help something inside tells me no don’t and stops me although it’s against my nature I feel that she’s created this so she have to deal with it am I wrong in my thoughts .

R678 #2834653 01/28/19 01:54 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Hi R678

I think all you are feeling is normal
and you are trying to work out all that has transpired and possibly your way of dealing with the pain-
You may be stuffing or numb- and if you can get with a counselor-so you can heal
Therapy is helpful so we can grieve and get to the other side of MLC

I also think many MLCers will age quicker than usual due to their lifestyle
many play hard- drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, hanging with wrong people
Risky behavior -any and all trouble
they live on the edge
and at 40-- it takes its toll

I would not give her any money
Im not sure what your agreement or situation is, but I would not enable her lifestyle unless money was agreed in separation/divorce
they have to figure out their life
they also overspend and can put us in debt-
credit cards and joint accounts need to be watched-

continue to take the best care of you-
remember none of this is about you-


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
R678 #2834662 01/28/19 02:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Re the money situation nothing has been discussed we always had separate accounts anyway so money has never been mentioned it was just up to me to pay the bills which she was paying whilst living in the house so I have already got extra to find to cover those . It’s so true when I have read that they do not know their having a mlc as she was talking to daughter and saying maybe I am having a mlc so it is true they think everything is normal .

R678 #2834663 01/28/19 02:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
I have also got some councilling starting in February as I know that will definitely help me cope with the situation I would rather have councilling than anti depressants as I did try them. But they did not agree with me even though I tried a few different types they just made me feel worse so threw them away .

R678 #2834672 01/28/19 03:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning R678

They do age rather quickly. Depression, stress, hard living, whatever - it all takes its toll.

Regarding extra money. Giving her any extra funds to help her out, will most likely prolong her journey. She needs to figure out her problems, and money is one of them. She has to see the responsibilities of being an adult.

I know it “feels” wrong to do that, or think that way. After a long term loving relationship, it will take time to reprogram yourself. It does look counter-intuitive, and is really the only compassionate way you can help her.

Pay whatever your agreement or arrangements state. Do this always, on time, and in full. It is the best you can do right now, and a way of living up to those vows we all promised.

It is an interesting coincidence that I just penned a six part post about the Paths of the LBS. I think your questioning of your situation can be understood a bit with that viewpoint.

I also saw the surreality of my situation. We do question our past, our present, and our future. I was bugged by similar thoughts for a time, just like you are now.

This is the result of different aspects of ourselves having different “understandings” our situation. Intellectually you understand, you know your past, the marriage, the love, the life. Emotionally you are not at the same “understanding”. This leads to a misalignment of ourselves, and leads to questioning. Why do I feel this way? Was it real?

We all need to have emotional resolution to this. Some of our tools for understanding is reason and logic. We cannot match our emotions to our reasoned understanding, so a conflict arises. Be careful here, we will match our intellect to our emotions if not on guard, by rewriting our own history.

From you post, I think you can see this conflict, and the possible rewriting that could happen. Fight against it! And I mean fight! This is a battle of your mind. You know what is true and real, even if you don’t feel it.

We cannot think or reason our emotions to healthiness or understanding. We also do not vanquish them, kill them, or banish them forever. We let them flit away. Feelings are fleeting. We stop feeding them, and they wither, and they do not die. Feelings are a part of you, are irrational, and not able to be reasoned with. Perfectly normal. Let them flit away, and accept the irrationality of it. That is how we resolve our emotional state.

Your questions already have answers, you know them. What’s bugging you is something else. Reason and logic are your greatest weapons, and will allow you stop feeding and reinforcing. This will allow other feelings and emotions to take hold and grow; emotions more in line with what is actually happening. Perhaps a compassionate and calm outlook would be desirable, regarding yourself and her.

I hope that made sense. You can ask any questions you like R678. I understand the confusion you are facing. You can and will work through it; don’t loose sight of your headings.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2834702 01/28/19 06:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Oh Dnj your wisdom is unmatched and your Words so comforting , knowledgable and brings So many things into perspective . Thankyou .

R678 #2835365 02/01/19 05:50 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 115
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 115
R678, I have no wise words to share. Only empathy to offer over a somewhat similar situation.

When my W initiated a bomb drop and walked away from the M a year ago, she was filled with anger, resentment, and blame. Since then, she has claimed more responsibility and insists that she needs to leave the M to become more of her authentic self.

Like yourself, I am choosing to remain committed. Like you, I have no guarantees of a desired outcome.

It is not easy, as you know. And I have to constantly demand complete honesty of myself: do I remain here out of love? Or am I here because of fear or obligation? I find I can only truthfully answer the former when I prayerfully dig deep into my core essence.

Wishing you strength and as much peace as you can muster, my friend.

R678 #2836060 02/06/19 03:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
So here we go again cycling straight back to depression. Been good for last few days but today it’s just come back and hit me again .i am totally and utterly cheesed off with this cycling I really wish I was strong enough to call it a day with her and be done with it all but I know that even then it probably won’t stop the cycling . I try and do my best to detach but it is just so difficult to do so. I know through this site and others I have joined that we’re all going through this together but sometimes you just feel so alone that it gets the better of you especially when you’ve got crazy thoughts running through your mind. I don’t think I’m doing this detaching right because she phones up last night and says she’s coming round to the house and I know soon as she’s there all the emotions start and I find myself unable to stop the cycling the next day so I know it’s her that’s triggering them . I think the next time she says she wants to come round for something or other I’m going to decline and say no and although it will probably cause a row but I need to do it for myself . I don’t think im going to move forward otherwise maybe I’m not to sure but reading up seems to fit the bill .

R678 #2836164 02/07/19 03:35 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

Be gentle on yourself. I am sure this detaching is new to you, it will take time to figure it out. It is coming, just look at how you are compared to a couple of months ago. You are doing well.

Focus on you. When your emotions take over, they highjack you. Be mentally assertive, take control back, and get back in that intellectual car.

To be sure, you do need to feel these feelings to some extent so as to process and heal, so some time in the emotional car is needed and healthy.

Don’t get discouraged, every time you cycle back, it is another step towards detachment.

Feelings, even those harsh, raw, and painful ones do flit away when not reinforced. Try letting yourself feel them for a time limit, say 10-15 minutes. Then wrestle control back from them. Force yourself to do something, while letting the feelings just be. It takes about 30 minutes for a feeling to fade. Just stop feeding it for half an hour and you will see it is a lot smaller.

Now, once you can do that for 30 minutes, you can even increase that time. The big tip here is that you don’t actually stop the feeling, you just feel them in the background. Feeling are processed, you are focused on other things, and you keep healing and getting better.

That will decrease the time of the emotional highjacking, and helps with the next part, the triggers.

Finding detachment does lessen the severity and frequency of the cycling. However, it does not end the feelings. The point of detachment is to uncouple your emotional response from her - her emotions, her behaviour, your memories of her, etc... Your attachment is an irrational response to triggers regarding her. You need to rationalize these triggers. When that happens it places your responses in your intellectual control and not at the whim of your emotional self.

The triggers are based on what ifs, those possible future events which are usually imagined as dire - something that is not realistically probably. Fear is a big part of this. That uncontrolled feeling of dread that paralyzes you.

Pure intellect doesn’t feel, doesn’t hurt, it is logic and reason, it is understanding. Look at your situation, or start with a single event, with fully rational accurate vision. See the trigger event for what it really is, and work to uncouple it from that uncontrolled response. For example:

Originally Posted by R678
I don’t think I’m doing this detaching right because she phones up last night and says she’s coming round to the house and I know soon as she’s there all the emotions start and I find myself unable to stop the cycling the next day so I know it’s her that’s triggering them .

First let’s get rid of the stinking thinking. Try to keep that out of your head, your mind will make your reality. Positive thoughts, positive reality. Really! I’m serious.

Quote
I don’t think I’m doing this detaching right because she phones up last night and says she’s coming round to the house and I know soon as she’s there all the emotions start and I find myself unable to stop the cycling the next day so I know it’s her that’s triggering them.

As you can see, and I know how hard this is, I really do:

- Try to lessen the self doubt.

- Stop predicting your future response as cycling. Predict it as a good response or if that is a bit too hard at this time, just don’t predict your response at all. You are predestining yourself to cycle.

- For your first bit of accurate seeing. You are triggering your own feelings. No one can make you feeling anything. Attachment is an irrational response regarding her. Triggers are based on what ifs and possible future events. Her behaviour, her emotions, memories of her - are all just events. Your response to those events is the trigger that causes the cycle.

That probably seems like splitting hairs, it is not and does have a reason. If you are causing the triggering, then you can stop the triggering, and that is good news. It is not her that’s triggering, she is the event.

So, on to this event. She called you last night and said she is coming to the house. You have an emotional response that is uncontrolled and difficult to end.

Look at the event separate from your feelings of it. Be purely intellectual, non-feeling. She called and is coming over. Has anything changed? No. She hasn’t done anything, threatened anything, nothing is happening. She is just coming over.

What about if she just came over without the phone call? Would you be emotional? Probably. Therefore the phone call is not the big deal, it is the visit.

What about if she cancels the visit, something came up for her. Now what? Still emotional?

How about she didn’t call, planned on coming over, then changed her mind. You would not be cycling, since you didn’t even know about it.

See how your response is disproportionate to the event? See how it is not the event that is the trigger?

Your trigger is an irrational response to a stimulus about her. Your emotional response from the trigger is disproportionate to the event itself. Looking rationally helps.

I want to assure you R678, your emotions are normal, healthy, and shared by all of us at one time or another. This is just a way to see them clearly and loosen their hold and power over you.

I hope you can see what I am trying to say.

Originally Posted by R678
I’m going to decline and say no and although it will probably cause a row but I need to do it for myself.

I need to do it for myself - Yes! Awesome!

Detachment is not for her, not for M, not for R. Detachment is for you. Well done.

You are the most important person in this. Keep you headings and focus on you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2838978 02/25/19 03:36 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hello everyone thought I’d give you all an update on things as I haven’t posted for a while . What’s the latest well s26 was talking to w other day apparently she’s not happy with me (suprise suprise ) why this unhappiness well according to her I have been hiding her passport if all things . To explain I went out on New Year’s Eve but this function required Id so because driving license was not available I took our passports In A wallet which they are kept in , when I got home and was getting changed I placed the wallet containing the passports into my suit pocket which I forgot to put back in the usual place my own mistake . So she comes round when I was at work obviously needing her passport for something couldn’t find them in the usual place so went on a hunt eventually finding them in my suit pocket .(both of them mind ) and both in said wallet .not according to w she’s telling him oh he’s been hiding it from me (I must of been hiding my own from myself then to ) why is it that in their mind everything ha a motive behind it why not just oh he left them in suit pocket . If she would of asked I would of given it to her but no we have this debarcle instead so I’d better prepare myself for some angry spewing when I see her . Oh the joy NOT.

R678 #2839100 02/26/19 01:25 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hi R678

Nice to hear from you.

Boy oh boy, passportgate. Lol.

Of course she is going to blame you. However, I see some expectations from you about getting blamed. Keep expectations at zero. You will still get blamed but will not be ready to blame back.

Instead of “I am sorry you feel that way”.

How about “Great! I was wondering where I left those stupid passports. Damn I thought I had lost them and was going to have to get new ones. Where do you find them? This is great!”. That should change the direction of the conversation.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2839158 02/26/19 03:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Well dnj you certainly nailed that one about expectations how wrong was I then . W came round last night ,here we go I thought but no ,I explained passport gate to her and surprisingly no spewing no drama nothing. Well to say shell shocked is an understatement but no accepted the reasons I give her and everything was good . I wasn’t Going to push it with the “oh glad you found them scenario “ I was happy to leave it at that lol . So as it is all is ok for now . And today then sun is out no anxiety, no stress no cycling I will enjoy the peace for what it is .

R678 #2839161 02/26/19 03:21 PM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
R678

Good for you

Think about what went well

You are cool calm and collected

No one is ruffling your feathers

You have no expectations

You are enjoying your day

You are going about your business

Life is good


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
R678 #2839287 02/27/19 04:28 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
R678

I am glad it went so well.

And very wise to stop when you did.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2839300 02/27/19 12:49 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
HI everyone . I was just reading a post by cadet I think it was and in the post described a low energy mlc could someone please elaborate for me including the behaviour of said low energy mlc quite interested to get a handle on that .

R678 #2839446 02/28/19 05:57 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 285
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 285
Originally Posted by R678
HI everyone . I was just reading a post by cadet I think it was and in the post described a low energy mlc could someone please elaborate for me including the behaviour of said low energy mlc quite interested to get a handle on that .


Copy pasted from elsewhere:

Attributes of Low-Energy MLCers

Fantasy Affair
Emotional Affair
Workaholic
Work may become an alienator
Overt Depression
Less Monster
Crisis may seem milder
Suppressed anger and rage
Move out of the marriage bedroom

Less likely than High Energy MLCers to…
Have a physical affair
(If a physical affair) Have an Affair Down
(If a physical affair) Have in-fatuation addiction or an emotionally-bonded affair
Leave home soon after bomb drop
Many will eventually leave, but not for a few years.
Be a Clinging Boomerang
Clinging Boomerangs maintain an emotional attachment and connection to their spouse, Wallowers withdraw emotionally.


M:46 WXW:40
T:20 M:13
D3,D8,D10
BD:11/12/16
D:12/14/16
OM confirmed 01/20/17
R678 #2841973 03/15/19 04:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi all quick question regarding the dreaded timelines. am I right in thinking that the time the mlc started was a couple of years prior to bd . I hear timelines but just want to be clear when this actually started .i know it’s starts at bd for the lbs but when would it most likely have started prior to that for the mlcer.

R678 #2841985 03/15/19 05:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
There is a timeline leading up to the crisis and that is 18-24 months. This is the timeline whereby something sets the crisis in motion and there is an 18-24 month timeline once the crisis is over calling the "settling in period" whereby reconnection takes place. Both timelines are not the actual clock setting timeline you are looking for. Generally, when you the LBS gets the BD, that is the time is will start as well for the MLCer. Up to that point, they are just thinking about things and once the BD happens, all h@ll breaks loose and there is no turning back for them.

Try to remember that each person in crisis will have similar behaviors, actions, words, but each is unique because of the childhood issues and personalities. Some complete in 2-5 years and others could b 7, 8, 9 10 or never come out of it. So timelines are just a guide.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2842000 03/15/19 07:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thankyou job for that reply With regards to the reconnection if it happens, surely their feelings are different to how they felt before the mlc started. What happens inside of them that wants them to reconnect with the lbs .

R678 #2842020 03/15/19 09:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 324
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jul 2018
Posts: 324
I think my H is reconnecting now. It was absolutely that he feared the loss of everything he left behind. His divorce was on file, I was pushing ahead with it, and I stopped my part of the dance so he no longer felt secure that I was sitting on the side waiting for him.

OneArt #2842034 03/15/19 11:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Here is a link to a thread that I wrote many years ago on reconnection. It might help explain the reconnection process for you.

TMAK - Explanation of Reconnection



Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2844490 04/04/19 02:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi everyone hope your all ok I haven’t posted for a while nothing to report resllyvnit seen the W for a month now . What she tends to do is come to the house whilst I’m at work to get her post and things . I myself have not called her or texted her nothing. I need no contact for me ..Now can anyone tell me why she has taken to doing this as a couple of months ago she would come round on a night and we’d share a take away or. Something but now nothing . Is she mirroring what I’m doing or is it something else . Confused

R678 #2844581 04/05/19 02:34 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

From Hamburg’s thread:

Originally Posted by R678
Interesting point dnj I never knew bd destroys them to . Why is that

From how I see things and have experienced.

The MLCer has a trigger event 18-24 months prior to BD, and this sets their crisis in motion. This trigger is not the cause of their MLC, it just resurfaces past trauma(s) usually from childhood or when they had less delevoped coping skills and mechanisms. A lot of MLCer had troubled childhoods and upbringings so their coping skills and emotional understanding is not healthy.

Whatever trauma is lurking within the MLCer has probably surfaced before, and has been successfully buried each time. However, midlife is a big transition, mortality, aging parents, children growled up, children leaving home, a person is not needed as they were for a large part of their adult life; it is tough enough for non-MLCers. At this point they can’t bury their pain and trauma, they can’t navigate a path to ignore it as they have before.

Slowly over the course of years (18-24 months) a unrealized, unacknowledged, and quite unknown pain grows within them. This is completely hidden from them; they have been happily living and loving along their lives with no clue of the bomb ticking inside them. As the pain grows, and more and more pressure and confusion mounts, they suffer more and more.

Long ago pains and emotions surface, and bring unreal feelings with them. MLCer will wonder what the h3ll is wrong with them. My W told me she thought she was going insane. An emotional runaway begins and irrational behaviour starts to take over. The MLCer tries various things to alleviate their suffering, all of which fail. If the LBS looks back over the two or so years before BD one can see subtle signs which grow over time until the big bomb drop. These are small signs which grow slowly. We walk on eggshells almost unknowningly just wondering what is wrong.

Bomb Drop! The point where the MLCer cannot contain their emotions anymore. They usually are so full of resentment towards their loving spouse, so angry, so projecting on to the LBS as the source of their pain. The LBS is not the source, and there is no way you can explain that to the MLCer, they are far gone when BD happens.

This crisis is emotional turmoil, ceaseless, and unrelenting. Remember this isn’t like just being angry, the MLCer doesn’t understand or realize any of what is going on. After such a prolonged and unfathomable time of torment trying to hold themselves together they just explode and destroy themselves. All h3ll breaks loose after BD.

MLC is a psychological problem. Their mind, the very thing that defines and creates their reality is in torment. False memories, changed histories, justifications, etc... all cannot be seen for the delusions they are. The MLCer mind created it, believes it, and cannot be dissuaded or dispelled.

At BD the confusion of multiple realities or viewpoints is dropped, their fantasy is grabbed onto and they run with it. They have their peace and happiness, or so they feel - actually it is worst, it is what they believe. And they will expend enormous energies to maintain their fantasy.

The destruction of their previous lives has to happen. They need to get away, to run. It is non-negotiable for them. Driven, needy, desperate, hurt, and depressed - they run. Emotions are in control. The MLC follows whatever feeling flits into their mind. Decisions are quickly made, and unmade. Their memories are like Swiss cheese. Decisions are not long term, even a short term decision don’t last, and all are based on irrational desires and not reasoned thought and logic. However the MLCer doesn’t see it that way. They completely believe they are finally living authentically.

My W destroyed her relationship with me, kids, etc., destroyed her business, her reputation, her financial security, and on and on. She threw away everything. What pushes a person that far? To explode with that kind of force?

There is nothing one can do. You cannot reason with someone’s reality, they need to see it for themselves. Time and space. They need to work through the pain, see and understand that their spouse is not the cause, see what the OP really is, see the damage they have inflicted, and grow and heal. A very tall order for someone in their state of mind.

This is an incredible and staggering process to witness and be part of. From horrific and chaotic, to nothing, no contact.

Time and space.

Compassion and understanding.

Faith and hope.

Let God have them, and perhaps from their destruction they can be reborn.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2844607 04/05/19 12:17 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Well bd no2 today w saying she wants to sell the house but I’m not selling hopefully I can remortgage and but her out it’s funny because everything that I’ve read and learnt comes forth . It is strange as this is exactly what happened with her sister 2 years ago de ja voue I do believe .

R678 #2844608 04/05/19 12:19 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
In a way it’s a shock but inside I sort of expected it so not a major shock really . I just hope that when this is all over and she wakes up if she wakes up she can stand back and realise the damage she has done but I doubt it .

R678 #2845606 04/15/19 12:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hello all update time although there isn’t really a lot to update as I have had no contact with w . D30 was on the telephone to her the other day and was telling me how w was crying one minute then not then crying again saying some strange things about d looking after her children because their special and deserve all the love and the likes . D said she sounded very depressed. also apparently she has fallen out of friends with one of her work colleagues who originally when she started working there and their friendship was struck up this person (female)was the best thing since sliced bread but not now apparently , I knew this would happen as the friend in question is really lazy and doesn’t do anything to benifut the place won’t even wash her coffee cup up whereas the W has always been a neat freak tidying up and the likes constantly so I guess this friendship has shown its true colours as I thought it would suppose chalk snd cheese really . It is difficult when I hear she’s not in a good place and that inner voice tells me to text her to check on her but then another voice comes along and says No don’t, leave it be . I visited D over the weekend and was telling her about W messaging me about selling the house although not heard anything more about that one as I said to W at the time I’m not selling if you want out I’ll try to remortgage and buy you out but I haven’t and am not doing anything about it .funnily D said Dad don’t do anything let it be which we must be thinking alike on that score , I think even she knows and understands about making rash decisions . It is hard when you hear of the mlcer suffering but I know there is nothing I can do so I will not contact her and remain dark .

R678 #2845662 04/15/19 07:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 119
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 119
Wow DnJ what you wrote blew my mind.

Never has anyone described so well what its been like.

This should be a sticky.

Mind you I dont think there is an age group to MLC anymore. Mine is 28 years old, but everything is there.
All the pieces, plus she has been entering early menopause for years (its rare but it happens) so gynecologically a woman at any age can start "growing" faster so to say.


B.D in December 2018
Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019
Divorced May 2019
H (me) 49
W (her) 29
R678 #2845682 04/15/19 09:58 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 2,174
Likes: 46
I second your thoughts regarding what DnJ wrote gzabetas. It describes my H as well. He has grabbed onto his new life like it is a life preserver. He is currently buying a bunch of things for his new home with OW and is excited by the newness of everything. He will come back down to earth in time and be left to face himself. I will be long moved on. It is his battle, his journey to take... my part in it has come to a relatively quiet and peaceful end and I am a better person for it. Onwards and upwards...

R678... I wouldn't put too much stock into what your W is saying at the moment. They are just words and it sounds as if she is spinning. Step back...give her time and space and don't do anything too quickly. You do not have to be on her timeline.

(((HUGS)))

R678 #2845705 04/16/19 07:48 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 119
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 119
I know what you mean DejaVu6. Hanging on to that "life preserver" helping them to get away from us.

So glad you realize that the fantasy they create will erupt. It taxes their brain trying to maintain the illusion.

And very well said that we will not be around to see it. Its their journey.

What a twisted situation they have placed us in. I cried again this morning. I caught a glimpse of the Gummy Bear song somewhere and I remembered the first time I walked up to her student apartment. Her doorbell had a sticker of gummy bear on it welcoming me. I thought it was so cool, this person was meant for me....

But as my IC told me, that person that I loved is no more...


B.D in December 2018
Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019
Divorced May 2019
H (me) 49
W (her) 29
DnJ #2845812 04/16/19 11:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thankyou so much for that dnj and it’s uncanny the similarities ,my situation last year rage rage rage to now nothing no contact .quite astonishing really.

R678 #2845929 04/18/19 03:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Happy to share R678 (and gzabetas).

It is good when that second inner voice starts talking - “Leave it be”. Good on you,

Time and space, and no rash decisions. You got this.

So, how do you think and feel about your level of detachment? How about indifference?

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2845959 04/18/19 03:33 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi dnj my level of detachment,well somedays im good some days not so good but definitely no where as near as bad as I was a few months ago . I can remember back then what you told me “Finding detachment does lessen the severity and frequency of the cycling. However, it does not end the feelings. The point of detachment is to uncouple your emotional response from her - her emotions, her behaviour, your memories of her, etc... Your attachment is an irrational response to triggers regarding her. You need to rationalize these triggers. When that happens it places your responses in your intellectual control and not at the whim of your emotional self” never a truer word spoken how detached am I well I’m not in the same place as I was then each and every thought doesn’t trigger the anxiety but it’s still there albeit a lot less severe nowadays. On a scale I’d probably say I’m detached 7/10 . When I do cycle it’s not for as long as it used to be the thoughts flit in and out and then disappear . I must say that it’s still quite hard somedays but where as before I couldn’t control it now I seem to be able to tell myself to let it go and most of the time it goes I guess it’s like the mlc a slow process.indifference ,well I don’t know about that one I guess when I’m ready to totally emotionally switch off then hopefully I’ve reached indifference but I don’t think I’m there yet with that one . I think detachment is easier as I do not have contact with her so that makes it easier. You seem to think the crisis stands still but the change in behaviour ie totally avoiding me proves it moves on regardless.i don’t think time and space is a problem she’s got plenty of that.

R678 #2845960 04/18/19 03:37 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Do you think that Mlcer’s have moments of asking themselves if what they are doing is the right thing or are they so wrapped up in their crisis that us lbs’s are never a thought in their heads

R678 #2846026 04/19/19 04:47 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Hello R678

Well done! Good reflection and understanding. You are most definitely not in the same place you were.

7/10 is very good, especially this far into this. It’s nice you can see your progress. It shows in your writing and thoughtful description of the detachment you have. Shorter duration, flitting in and out, having control of your response, all so positive.

Indifference comes forward, slowly, like the progress of detachment does. While detachment uncouples your feelings from the MLCer, indifference actually attenuates, reduces, mutes, those feelings. Yes, one can become quite numb towards their spouse and spouse’s behaviour.

Detachment is the first step you need to take. Most everything else can then be working on concurrently, at the same time. Indifference, letting go, losing fears, all progress slowly and kind of together. Letting go of your spouse and your feelings for them leads to feeling indifferent. This takes time and patience to find.

Examining your feelings s important, what you’re feeling, and why. It’s hard to let go of something you don’t realize you’re hanging on to. Anger is one of the more difficult feelings to accept and work through. Indifference has no, or little anger. Love, caring, compassion are also lessened or quieted.

You can see that this goes hand in hand with the stages of grief; the progress to acceptance. This is why I believe it is very important to see what heading you are looking to achieve. Hopefully a noble and healthy goal of forgiveness and compassion is what you are heading for. I know of some people who years later still harbour anger, hatred, and vengeance - yes they moved on, sort of, but what a terrible cost and outlook they have now.

Indifferent will bring a wonderful peace. Let your feelings quiet and work through the anger. You need to see your feelings for what they are, for the real emotions they are. Then you can do something about them.

To over simplify this, detachment uncouples your feelings from W. Indifference stops the feelings towards W. Then you can find your beliefs, and what makes R678.

Beliefs is where you find true compassion and forgiveness. You will find that a compassionate indifference is possible, if you want it. If your heading is in that direction, you will find forgiveness. Compassion and forgiveness, they are not feelings, they are beliefs. They are deep.

These values and virtues are about you, are for you. Focus on yourself, and you will find yourself. That is one of the great gifts from indifference and this whole crazy mess - discovering you.

For what it’s worth, indifference is not emotionally switching off. It is accepting and understanding your emotions, which greatly lessens their effect. With time and practice you can learn to turn them off and on, a result of accepting and understanding.

You are right there starting this next part. Take a little time and figure out what headings you want to choose.

Originally Posted by R678
Do you think that Mlcer’s have moments of asking themselves if what they are doing is the right thing or are they so wrapped up in their crisis that us lbs’s are never a thought in their heads

Everyone is different. Generally speaking though, they all wonder if what they are doing is right - at times.

The confusion they exhibited at the beginning is evendence of their two worlds both being active in their minds. As time goes on, the MLCer usually pulls away. This is when they are becoming more and more wrapped up in their crisis, and the LBS gets less and less thought. As they run further into the tunnel, they question their actions less.

Now during quiet times for them, those questions and uncertainties come back, the demons come back. So, I believe most question if what they are doing is right. And they answer - Yes. It is right.

They have rewritten history, have justifications, and will use whatever they need, to maintain their fantasy. They are driven to run from their pain; which doesn’t promote much self reflection for them. As life, karma, piles on problems they cannot run from so easily, they are forced to question, and to grow.

I am glad you are seeking understanding about MLC, and your spouse. We all require some understanding to move forward. I hope I’ve helped.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2846038 04/19/19 11:59 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Dnj ,since I joined this forum last year I can honestly say that you have been my mentor ,my calm in the depths of this storm . Your replies to me are a godsend I read and reread each line devouring each word to make sure i understand and inwardly digest what you are saying to me ,to put into practise then or at a later time . When I first came here I was without doubt a mess and your kind, calming compassionate words ,full of thought full of understanding of where I am at were a true blessing . Over the course of months I have put into practise what you advised me to do and now I am seeing those advises coming to fruition.each and every time i have come here you have always been there with your rock solid advise taking the time to reply not with just a few words but time consuming answers that give me a deeper understanding of emotions and feelings that I never even knew existed.i thank everyone here for their kind advise it has all been most helpful. I dread to think where I would be now if I hadn’t of came here and although I’d rather not be here lol I don’t think I’d have the growth in me that I have now if I hadn’t . Thankyou dnj .
I’ve probably got another million questions to ask but not today it’s good Friday and I think even us lbs’ deserve a day off from the mlc Happy Easter .R678 .

R678 #2846115 04/19/19 08:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
R678.

Wow! Thank you for the wonderful comments.

I do like to mentor and encourage, and I find a lot of satisfaction from it.

I love hearing about you finding and understanding feelings you didn’t even know existed. I’m very happy to see my advice so well received and yielding such results.

Realize, all your gains, your progress, your new insights, all come from within. Your ability to learn and see, existed within you already. For my part I am happy to have helped. You are listening, absorbing, accepting, and opening up to a wonderous world.

There is a higher power at work. I hope you realize that, and truly give thanks to He who is working within.

R678, this is your path, and I am pleased to be a companion during your journey.

Have a happy Easter and a well deserved break from MLC shenanigans.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2847080 04/27/19 02:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hello all, i have been reading up over the last few days and one thing i came across that struck me that someone had wrote, i cant remember who,but it was on this forum that the mlcers crisis caused the lbs to go into mlc .now whats confusing me, is, if the mlcer doesn't know that their having or in a crisis and denies it (and we all know they think and know that there is nothing wrong with them) how can the lbs know their having or going into crisis, it doesnt make sense and especially as i know that childhood issues are a main cause of the crisis, but, what if that person pushed into a mlc by their mlcer (if this is possible) has no c.h issues, could they still have a mlc . .i dont know sometimes it feels as though the more i read the less i know and understand this crazy journey. i know that obviously i have learnt a lot from being here but with the way that i sometimes interpret things i read,question certain things , i find myself doubting certain things . ,am i in a mlc but dont know it due to her mlc .i sometimes think that this is not only a trial but a puzzle to be figured out as well, especially as you cycle and your thoughts and thinking constanty change and each time the thoughts change a different answer comes forth so you end up questioning everything.My w came to the house a week ago friday and to all intents and purposes seemed perfectly normal .i know about the masks they wear and such but you do question things ,although a dose of reality hits your conscious and you think back to the behaviour over the last year and so again your mind changes, you know that behaviour wasnt not real ie spewing, blaming anger, projecting etc etc yet you still question yourself all the time not question like you do in early bd days but just questions that do not seem to have any clear answer to .

R678 #2847081 04/27/19 03:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
would love to hear some thoughts

R678 #2847088 04/27/19 03:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
It is true...that some MLCer's behavior/actions can push the LBS into a crisis. Just like the MLCer, the LBS will not realize for a while that there is something wrong. Again, it's depression and coping skills that help to trigger a crisis. If you look at the behaviors of someone in depression, their behavior/actions can cause them to do things that they normally wouldn't do. They tend to self medicate to make themselves feel better. Some LBS will go to extremes and others will sleep and become very withdrawn from day to day life. It all depends upon the person. Some people tend to suspect that there is something wrong, but they do not know what it is for a while. Others trying to diagnosis the issues for them doesn't help because those having issues will say that there is nothing wrong w/them. Like an addict, they have to hit bottom before rising once again.

With MLC, there are no clear answers. Why? Because the condition is not recognized by the medical society and each person is unique, their personalities are unique just as their childhoods and coping skills. We can only advise on what is posted here and from our own experiences.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2847106 04/27/19 06:38 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
thankyou for that job

R678 #2847122 04/27/19 10:12 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 41
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 41
I have often thought this too. I have changed a lot since bd. I don’t think I’m in a crisis, more like a transition. My boyfriend looks at pictures of me from before and says he doesn’t even recognize me (I stood for a while, but it had six a negative impact on me and truthfully, I know myself and know I could never forgive him). I like following these boards though because I find it very helpful in helping me deal with ex, who is still deep in replay (which I doubt he will ever escape). He has a lot good days recently, which makes me question the last few years, like did I make this all up in my head?!???? Anyways, back to your question, I 100% think xh’s mlc triggered my transition, did I realize it at first, hmmm I knew I was depressed and not well, but made a conscious decision to change myself for the better, which I am still working on...could it have easily gone into crisis....yes!!!! I can totally see how that could happen. I can remember the exact day I decided to not let that happen. But I don’t think I have childhood issues, maybe that’s why I was able to cope? Or maybe it was because I had a great upbringing that I had the tools I needed to cope? Or maybe because I was fortunate enough to not have suffered financially from his mlc? I can see if I had lost everything, maybe. Or maybe lbs don’t necessarily go into crisis, but more a depression and ptsd that they can never recover from? I don’t know.

Like job said, Mlc is not a recognized illness. Maybe in our lifetime this will happen, and then more research and answers will be available to us. If one psychiatrist took the time to interview all us lbs’s and realized all of the eerie similarities between all of our stories, maybe that would get the ball rolling....

R678 #2847605 05/01/19 02:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hello all , just a short update as not seen the mlcer so nothing to report on that . I think that maybe i was getting a little bit ahead of myself as today for the first time in a while I have had the worst anxiety for a while . I don’t know what triggered it maybe some random thoughts coming up but it just goes to show that you think your further ahead than you actually are because I haven’t had it for a while .sorry dnj I feel like I’ve let you down because I was doing so well guess I’m not out of the woods yet . I know sooner or later it will subside and I’ll come back to normal thinking it’s just the way it comes on and takes over . I practise what I have been taught here. And I’d does help because when it goes I say to myself you silly bugger what was all that about it’s just trying to control it when it happens although this was quite a long attack which leaves you with a lousy headache . I’ve promised my kids that I will beat it and I’m not going to let them down but at the same time I feel I don’t want to tell them I’m having anxiety because they’ll just worry and I do enough of that for all of us . I’m sorry if your reading this and it’s a bit morose but I guess at least by sharing it it’s a burden halved as they say . I hope your all well and continuing on your own journeys. onwards and upwards needs to be my motto I think because one way or the other I will it . Big love to you all and keep the focus going .

R678 #2847613 05/01/19 02:42 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning R678

Oh my goodness - NO! You have not let me down!

You are doing excellent! Shining very brightly.

(((R678)))

I wrote some time ago about backsliding. To me it is misnamed.

One cannot go forward without going backwards.

We all get triggers of anxiety and slip back. That is a sure sign of healing - IMHO. You are a peace enough to push back more of that veil of denial and see more and more of the true reality. You are healed enough to be able to allow more hurt and anxiety to surface and start to resolve those “feeling” as well. I’ve kind of been watching for this to be honest.

This backslide forward progress is awesome. Yeah, it hurts. And it feels terrible. And it means you are well enough to look to more within yourself. By the way, these moments don’t last as long, nor are they as debilitating as previous anxiety times.

I wonder what surfaced? Time will reveal whatever it is you are about to uncover. Be patient, forcing doesn’t help. smile

Keep shining man!

I am proud of you.

Now, you be proud of you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2849798 05/19/19 10:50 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hello all , I’ve not been about for a while or posted so thought I’d have a bit of me time and do an update .well I haven’t really got anything to report regarding the W and her mlc as I have not seen her . She still comes to the house whilst I’m at work taking bits and pieces mainly clothes I think . I don’t know whether this is avoidance tactics on her behalf or guilt who knows the workings of a mlc mind .i know she went to stay at the daughters house for a couple of days and as usual things ended up in an argument with her my daughter and my one son as they told her a few home truths which by all accounts she did not like ,but unfortunately for her my children won’t. Sit there and listen to her blaming things on me all the time . She and my daughter have always had a bit of a tempestuous relationship but no where near as bad as nowadays but I guess when someone is saying untruths all the time they will give their opinion on things unfortunately mlcer does not like what they hear so anger comes to the surface (as usual) .As for myself well I continue to heal slowly a lot less anxiety than before and now I feel I have come a long way towards detachment it doesn’t hurt as much as it did ( never thought I’d be saying that ) but I have .im quite expecting 21st to be a hard day as it would of been our wedding anniversary but I’ll process the feelings and emotions let them go it’s all you can do .
At this particular time I feel in a better place than I thought I could ever be , I think it’s because of detachment on my part that I do . I hope you are all well and continuing your journeys through this most difficult of times I never believed it to start with but it does get better just stay strong keep the focus on yourselves and carry on healing yourselves . R678

R678 #2849806 05/19/19 01:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning R678

Thanks for the update.

You sound grounded and have a good foundation. It was very nice to read how your anxiety has lessened. It was also nice to read that your children are seeing things clearer as well. They are pretty perceptive and see through the lies.

Yeah, the 21st will be a hard day. You know you’ll get through it. Process the emotions and let them go - that’s a good plan.

Nice hearing from you. Hoping you have a great day.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Btrow #2850533 05/24/19 07:36 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 90
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 90
Originally Posted by Btrow
Originally Posted by R678
HI everyone . I was just reading a post by cadet I think it was and in the post described a low energy mlc could someone please elaborate for me including the behaviour of said low energy mlc quite interested to get a handle on that .


Copy pasted from elsewhere:

Attributes of Low-Energy MLCers

Fantasy Affair
Emotional Affair
Workaholic
Work may become an alienator
Overt Depression
Less Monster
Crisis may seem milder
Suppressed anger and rage
Move out of the marriage bedroom

Less likely than High Energy MLCers to…
Have a physical affair
(If a physical affair) Have an Affair Down
(If a physical affair) Have in-fatuation addiction or an emotionally-bonded affair
Leave home soon after bomb drop
Many will eventually leave, but not for a few years.
Be a Clinging Boomerang
Clinging Boomerangs maintain an emotional attachment and connection to their spouse, Wallowers withdraw emotionally.


Is there more information about this?
This is the 1st reference I've seen about this. Thanks!

-SoloFlex

R678 #2850799 05/28/19 02:26 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
So update time again . Working on the garden yesterday patio door opens there’s the. W standing there .seemed perfectly normal talking and chatting ,just as things used to be . Reading some of the posts it is understandable how people question if it’s mlc or not because I’m sometimes the same but, I always think back to a year ago and remember how vile and nasty she was toward me so that settles my questioning of myself because people do not behave in that way . But the night went on all amicable, no grief or such just a normal evening.you do however question what is going on inside their heads though ,if you read my posts you will see we have had no contact for 6/7 weeks again apart from a text saying about s26 passing his driving test last week but at the same time I question why all of a sudden come round when you normally come whilst I’m at work I don’t get that one .Swiss cheese brain possibly who knows only the mlcer .so anyway got to 10 o clock said I’d drop her off at her Room which I did and s a parting shot she says “ohh I’ll pop up next couple of weeks we’ll have a curry (we used to have one regularly) so I await to see if it goes ahead or if not . If anyone can throw any light on why the sudden change of behaviour I’d be glad to hear it or is it just the rollercoaster ride continuing its journey .r678

R678 #2850981 05/29/19 09:42 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 90
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 90
I feel for you R678,

It's too bad we can't see what goes on in their mind, or what problem from childhood they're trying to work out.

-SoloFlex

R678 #2853139 06/16/19 02:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Happy Father’s Day R678.

Hoping you and the kids have a wonderful day.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2853241 06/17/19 11:13 AM
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
R678

I experienced many of these same episodes

Let’s pretend everything is normal!

Well, yes it can make your head spin

And no need to speculate on why

Maybe she is happy the Raptors won

Maybe she broke up with her boyfriend

Maybe her friends were busy

Maybe she is lonely or tired

Stay detached

If she hangs around with you just enjoy it

No relationship talks

Show her (don’t tell her) that you enjoy her company

If she runs away again no problem

You are independently and happily living your own life

Keep expectations at zero


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
DnJ #2853797 06/20/19 01:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thankyou dnj I hope you have a wonderful Father’s Day to

R678 #2853801 06/20/19 03:08 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
So , Monday W sends text “I’ll come and give you a hand tonight doing the plants in the garden as we always used to do that together, sure enough 7 o’clock she turns up and we both spent the next hour and half sorting the plants out .i Offered to get us both a take away which I did , although I do have to chuckle as each time I get the same reply “I’ll pay for the next one” she never does but I don’t mind I know she hasn’t much money and who am I to resent paying for a takeaway at least she was woman enough to offer to come round and help do the plants ,anyway it’s only a bit of money .so we eat said takeaway all is fine but as I am eating I get a strange feeling that I haven’t had before ,it was a feeling that something is missing ,I could not put my finger on it and still do not know what it was . I know the whole dynamic of how we interact with each other has changed but I never felt it like I felt it the other night, very strange indeed . I don’t know maybe I’m becoming more tuned in to something . Talking to a friend who knows of our situation he came up with does it feel
Like something hanging in the air but it wasn’t Like that it was something totally different as we did interact normally as such . anyways it was a nice few hours together. I gave her a lift back to her room later on and although the last time we sat chatting for 10 mins or so this time I didn’t want to said my See you later and she said the same and that was that’ .but overall not a bad night .

R678 #2854070 06/22/19 12:56 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
So yesterday don’t know what happened was I feeling sorry for myself ,did I become overwhelmed with everything because at 630 just after work, got home and unfortunately for me I got emotional .i let it out felt better afterwards but couldn’t help thinking those old thoughts again only this time I let them come and then let them go .it lasted a while but eventually they passed . It is so strange how thoughts can make you feel so rotten yet once they’ve passed you tell yourself “you silly sausage what was that all about “ ,bit of processing maybe who knows . I had to take the cat to the vet unfortunately he’s done something to his eye which has got an infection in it and has closed up ,so there I was later on trying to put some cream into his eye ,such hard work trying to hold him and Apply said cream ,needless to say I’ve got a nice few scratches now and I dare say I’ll have a few more yet as he’s got to have them in twice a day for a week so I expect a few more yet lol .anyway today’s a different day one more day further into my journey one more day hopefully closer to the finish line although the finish line seems to be in another galaxy at the moment and though I think that yesterday was an unexpected bump on the road I’m travelling .I think it done good to let it out and then move on . Hope you all have a good peaceful weekend I’m off to the opticians to see if they can teach me the correct way to put contact lenses in as I’m struggling with them
and don’t want to blind myself lol . R678

R678 #2854075 06/22/19 01:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I'm sorry you were having a bad day. Hopefully, today will be better.

About your cat, wrap him in a towel so that he doesn't claw you.

Putting contact lenses in isn't hard. They will show you the proper way and once you've done it a couple of times, you will become a pro.

Hang in there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
R678 #2854079 06/22/19 02:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning R678

Originally Posted by R678
“you silly sausage what was that all about “

Great line!

You are so right. They’re just temporary. Thoughts and feelings.

Some thoughts can make you feel bad, and some feelings can make you think bad. It’s really nice when our own inner voice helps straighten us out during those periods of processing.

I am guessing you very recently got contact lenses. Between yourself and the cat you’ll be a pro at dealing with eyes in no time. smile

Wrapping the cat up in a towel is a really good idea. Such an simple elegant solution, those are the best ones. I would’ve been scratched head to toe and still probably not thought of that. It’s going in the memory banks.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2854225 06/24/19 01:12 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Thank you job for that, it certainly has made life easier ,my arms live for another day .

R678 #2854483 06/25/19 06:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
And of course dnj.

R678 #2855931 07/06/19 09:43 AM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
So this is a dilemma I’ve always suffered with horrendous migraines they come in batches well guess what , the batch is back .been here couple of weeks now only problem is the medication I take ,yes it kills the headache eventually but the side effects aren’t good at all . Had one come on just as I was going to bed lady night .took said medication and eventually fell asleep only problem is next morning you feel terrible ,depressed, anxiety just as though bomb drop was yesterday ,feeling down, low mood pretty terrible really . So not only have I got the emotional cycling to contend with I also have the side effects of said medication. So what’s the answer don’t take medication, suffer the migraine or take medication and feel terrible later on . Sometimes it’s so bad I feel as I felt last year . I don’t know the answer to that one I’ve tried different medications but the only one that works is the triptans ,the one I take . Personally I think I’ll have to suffer because feeling like I do is not helping my recovery . On the mlc front well W still comes round now and again picks up different things whilst theres no spewing or nastiness just normal chit chat but I do find I have some expectations which I know I shouldn’t have ,so eventually the feelings I have come back .my own fault really for having said expectations in the first place .were 14 or 15 months since bd so why am I not getting past it , will I feel like this for ever or is it a mix of medication and my own insecurity who knows . Forgive me if I’m rambling I just feel so mixed up today , fear of the migraine coming back thoughts of mlc wife constantly on my mind, fear of the future ,I don’t know maybe I’m in a big rut and I can’t see through the fog of my mind (that sounds familiar) .ive been reading lots still ,maybe a bit of mlc overload . One word springs to mind which has become a bugbear of mine REPLAY.ohh that word lol . I can sort of get a feel of how the mlc mind works with all the ups and downs I have . I know it’s a journey and a rollercoaster but sometimes I just want to get off . . anyhow enough of feeling sorry for myself keep on the path I tell myself . Happy days to you all. R678

R678 #2855941 07/06/19 02:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
D
DnJ Online
Member
Online
Member
D
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 4,645
Likes: 472
Good Morning R678

Migraines can be downright terrible. And yes medication can have some pretty bad side effects. In your case it does sound rather bad. How long do your migraines usually last? Vs how long do the side effects last? The way you spoke it looks like the medication side effects are worse.

Replay. Oh that word. It is interesting when we can empathize with what our spouses are living, it must be quite a jumble.

Our own rollercoasters do have there share of hills and valleys. It’s pretty nice when the ride slows and coasts in to the unloading area. Don’t worry when you are ready you will disembark.

Expectations, fear, rut, fog, mixed up - it’s ok we all have days like that. It settles, it gets better. Hang in there and have faith my friend.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678 #2855948 07/06/19 03:47 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Daily magnesium, CoQ10 and riboflavin may reduce the frequency of migraines, as can reducing food triggers (both my sister and my son are gluten sensitive and their migraines are MUCH better since going gluten-free).

Can you still control the migraine with half a dose of the triptan? Maybe you're just taking too strong a pill.

R678 #2860957 08/11/19 12:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
R
R678 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2018
Posts: 63
Hi all ,not been on here for a while needed a break from this madness lol ,haven’t really got a lot to update really ,see W every now and again I don’t contact her in any way ,I need to do that for me .
Last time she was here the expression on her face told me something was up ,another bd ,sure was,she sat there woe is me ,I can’t stay in a shared house for ever well have to sell the house ,errr no ,not happening ,well long story short I’ve decided to give her some of the equity from the house I’ll go and remortgage ,but I did try to explain that it’s not a good idea to burn all your bridges in one hit ,bad choices =consequences ,whether it got through to her I have no idea but that’s on her not me ,
To be fair I think I’m being quite accommodating,I don’t have to give her nothing from the house unless she wants to go and get a divorce and that’s on her not me ,not my circus ,not my monkeys .
were 15 months into this since BD ,I’m still cycling ,not as bad now I try and figure it out as to why, if I can get through all the white noise ,sometimes works ,sometimes doesn’t but I’ll get there .
So where’s the mlcer at ,well we don’t have any more spewing ,I guess she’s reached her objective there ,as in spew and project to break the marriage down ,objective achieved ,replay ,yeah were still in there ,any growth within her ,I don’t know I don’t see her often enough to draw a conclusion on that one ,but I don’t think any inward looking work is happening yet ,she stil has the habit of coming to the house when I’m at work ,well that’s going to change because I give her some money I’ll be changing the lock ,that’s a consequence of your actions I’m afraid you reap what you sow,and it’s not only that why should I let her come in when I’m out ,snooping at I don’t know what ,taking I don’t know what ,well I’ll. put a big boundary on that one .
It is strange because when this started and you were destroyed by the mlcer at bd ,you think you’re never going to through this but as it goes on time passes it does get easier ,the operative word again TIME,but it’s true it does,yes I still love her,yes I’d like to think that someday we could reconcile ,but ,I have come to terms with the fact it might not happen and that ,I think is a big step toward healing a sort of acceptance as such ,but, it it what it is unfortunately and all the denying in the world is not going to alter the fact it’s happening so you might as well accept it and carry on .
Well ,that’s it for now nothing else to report ,I hope your all doing ok ,walking your road back to wholeness ,it is a long hard road but worth doing in the long run ,for yourself ,because no one can fix you but you .stay strong my friends .R678

R678 #2860966 08/11/19 02:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard