Hi dnj my level of detachment,well somedays im good some days not so good but definitely no where as near as bad as I was a few months ago . I can remember back then what you told me “Finding detachment does lessen the severity and frequency of the cycling. However, it does not end the feelings. The point of detachment is to uncouple your emotional response from her - her emotions, her behaviour, your memories of her, etc... Your attachment is an irrational response to triggers regarding her. You need to rationalize these triggers. When that happens it places your responses in your intellectual control and not at the whim of your emotional self” never a truer word spoken how detached am I well I’m not in the same place as I was then each and every thought doesn’t trigger the anxiety but it’s still there albeit a lot less severe nowadays. On a scale I’d probably say I’m detached 7/10 . When I do cycle it’s not for as long as it used to be the thoughts flit in and out and then disappear . I must say that it’s still quite hard somedays but where as before I couldn’t control it now I seem to be able to tell myself to let it go and most of the time it goes I guess it’s like the mlc a slow process.indifference ,well I don’t know about that one I guess when I’m ready to totally emotionally switch off then hopefully I’ve reached indifference but I don’t think I’m there yet with that one . I think detachment is easier as I do not have contact with her so that makes it easier. You seem to think the crisis stands still but the change in behaviour ie totally avoiding me proves it moves on regardless.i don’t think time and space is a problem she’s got plenty of that.
Do you think that Mlcer’s have moments of asking themselves if what they are doing is the right thing or are they so wrapped up in their crisis that us lbs’s are never a thought in their heads
Well done! Good reflection and understanding. You are most definitely not in the same place you were.
7/10 is very good, especially this far into this. It’s nice you can see your progress. It shows in your writing and thoughtful description of the detachment you have. Shorter duration, flitting in and out, having control of your response, all so positive.
Indifference comes forward, slowly, like the progress of detachment does. While detachment uncouples your feelings from the MLCer, indifference actually attenuates, reduces, mutes, those feelings. Yes, one can become quite numb towards their spouse and spouse’s behaviour.
Detachment is the first step you need to take. Most everything else can then be working on concurrently, at the same time. Indifference, letting go, losing fears, all progress slowly and kind of together. Letting go of your spouse and your feelings for them leads to feeling indifferent. This takes time and patience to find.
Examining your feelings s important, what you’re feeling, and why. It’s hard to let go of something you don’t realize you’re hanging on to. Anger is one of the more difficult feelings to accept and work through. Indifference has no, or little anger. Love, caring, compassion are also lessened or quieted.
You can see that this goes hand in hand with the stages of grief; the progress to acceptance. This is why I believe it is very important to see what heading you are looking to achieve. Hopefully a noble and healthy goal of forgiveness and compassion is what you are heading for. I know of some people who years later still harbour anger, hatred, and vengeance - yes they moved on, sort of, but what a terrible cost and outlook they have now.
Indifferent will bring a wonderful peace. Let your feelings quiet and work through the anger. You need to see your feelings for what they are, for the real emotions they are. Then you can do something about them.
To over simplify this, detachment uncouples your feelings from W. Indifference stops the feelings towards W. Then you can find your beliefs, and what makes R678.
Beliefs is where you find true compassion and forgiveness. You will find that a compassionate indifference is possible, if you want it. If your heading is in that direction, you will find forgiveness. Compassion and forgiveness, they are not feelings, they are beliefs. They are deep.
These values and virtues are about you, are for you. Focus on yourself, and you will find yourself. That is one of the great gifts from indifference and this whole crazy mess - discovering you.
For what it’s worth, indifference is not emotionally switching off. It is accepting and understanding your emotions, which greatly lessens their effect. With time and practice you can learn to turn them off and on, a result of accepting and understanding.
You are right there starting this next part. Take a little time and figure out what headings you want to choose.
Originally Posted by R678
Do you think that Mlcer’s have moments of asking themselves if what they are doing is the right thing or are they so wrapped up in their crisis that us lbs’s are never a thought in their heads
Everyone is different. Generally speaking though, they all wonder if what they are doing is right - at times.
The confusion they exhibited at the beginning is evendence of their two worlds both being active in their minds. As time goes on, the MLCer usually pulls away. This is when they are becoming more and more wrapped up in their crisis, and the LBS gets less and less thought. As they run further into the tunnel, they question their actions less.
Now during quiet times for them, those questions and uncertainties come back, the demons come back. So, I believe most question if what they are doing is right. And they answer - Yes. It is right.
They have rewritten history, have justifications, and will use whatever they need, to maintain their fantasy. They are driven to run from their pain; which doesn’t promote much self reflection for them. As life, karma, piles on problems they cannot run from so easily, they are forced to question, and to grow.
I am glad you are seeking understanding about MLC, and your spouse. We all require some understanding to move forward. I hope I’ve helped.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Dnj ,since I joined this forum last year I can honestly say that you have been my mentor ,my calm in the depths of this storm . Your replies to me are a godsend I read and reread each line devouring each word to make sure i understand and inwardly digest what you are saying to me ,to put into practise then or at a later time . When I first came here I was without doubt a mess and your kind, calming compassionate words ,full of thought full of understanding of where I am at were a true blessing . Over the course of months I have put into practise what you advised me to do and now I am seeing those advises coming to fruition.each and every time i have come here you have always been there with your rock solid advise taking the time to reply not with just a few words but time consuming answers that give me a deeper understanding of emotions and feelings that I never even knew existed.i thank everyone here for their kind advise it has all been most helpful. I dread to think where I would be now if I hadn’t of came here and although I’d rather not be here lol I don’t think I’d have the growth in me that I have now if I hadn’t . Thankyou dnj . I’ve probably got another million questions to ask but not today it’s good Friday and I think even us lbs’ deserve a day off from the mlc Happy Easter .R678 .
I do like to mentor and encourage, and I find a lot of satisfaction from it.
I love hearing about you finding and understanding feelings you didn’t even know existed. I’m very happy to see my advice so well received and yielding such results.
Realize, all your gains, your progress, your new insights, all come from within. Your ability to learn and see, existed within you already. For my part I am happy to have helped. You are listening, absorbing, accepting, and opening up to a wonderous world.
There is a higher power at work. I hope you realize that, and truly give thanks to He who is working within.
R678, this is your path, and I am pleased to be a companion during your journey.
Have a happy Easter and a well deserved break from MLC shenanigans.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hello all, i have been reading up over the last few days and one thing i came across that struck me that someone had wrote, i cant remember who,but it was on this forum that the mlcers crisis caused the lbs to go into mlc .now whats confusing me, is, if the mlcer doesn't know that their having or in a crisis and denies it (and we all know they think and know that there is nothing wrong with them) how can the lbs know their having or going into crisis, it doesnt make sense and especially as i know that childhood issues are a main cause of the crisis, but, what if that person pushed into a mlc by their mlcer (if this is possible) has no c.h issues, could they still have a mlc . .i dont know sometimes it feels as though the more i read the less i know and understand this crazy journey. i know that obviously i have learnt a lot from being here but with the way that i sometimes interpret things i read,question certain things , i find myself doubting certain things . ,am i in a mlc but dont know it due to her mlc .i sometimes think that this is not only a trial but a puzzle to be figured out as well, especially as you cycle and your thoughts and thinking constanty change and each time the thoughts change a different answer comes forth so you end up questioning everything.My w came to the house a week ago friday and to all intents and purposes seemed perfectly normal .i know about the masks they wear and such but you do question things ,although a dose of reality hits your conscious and you think back to the behaviour over the last year and so again your mind changes, you know that behaviour wasnt not real ie spewing, blaming anger, projecting etc etc yet you still question yourself all the time not question like you do in early bd days but just questions that do not seem to have any clear answer to .
It is true...that some MLCer's behavior/actions can push the LBS into a crisis. Just like the MLCer, the LBS will not realize for a while that there is something wrong. Again, it's depression and coping skills that help to trigger a crisis. If you look at the behaviors of someone in depression, their behavior/actions can cause them to do things that they normally wouldn't do. They tend to self medicate to make themselves feel better. Some LBS will go to extremes and others will sleep and become very withdrawn from day to day life. It all depends upon the person. Some people tend to suspect that there is something wrong, but they do not know what it is for a while. Others trying to diagnosis the issues for them doesn't help because those having issues will say that there is nothing wrong w/them. Like an addict, they have to hit bottom before rising once again.
With MLC, there are no clear answers. Why? Because the condition is not recognized by the medical society and each person is unique, their personalities are unique just as their childhoods and coping skills. We can only advise on what is posted here and from our own experiences.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
