Hi all I have a question which has been bugging me for a while now and I can’t work it out . Why do I ask myself am I married to this person did we have children together were we together for all those years because it seems like we weren’t but I know we were , is it because of how they distance from you or is it because my mind has altered I don’t know but it is all very surreal. Also the kids have said that she’s looking old and withdrawn big bags under her eyes looking tired does the crisis age them or is it something else . They also said that she is struggling for money and although this does play on my mind and I feel i should help something inside tells me no don’t and stops me although it’s against my nature I feel that she’s created this so she have to deal with it am I wrong in my thoughts .
I think all you are feeling is normal and you are trying to work out all that has transpired and possibly your way of dealing with the pain- You may be stuffing or numb- and if you can get with a counselor-so you can heal Therapy is helpful so we can grieve and get to the other side of MLC
I also think many MLCers will age quicker than usual due to their lifestyle many play hard- drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, hanging with wrong people Risky behavior -any and all trouble they live on the edge and at 40-- it takes its toll
I would not give her any money Im not sure what your agreement or situation is, but I would not enable her lifestyle unless money was agreed in separation/divorce they have to figure out their life they also overspend and can put us in debt- credit cards and joint accounts need to be watched-
continue to take the best care of you- remember none of this is about you-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Re the money situation nothing has been discussed we always had separate accounts anyway so money has never been mentioned it was just up to me to pay the bills which she was paying whilst living in the house so I have already got extra to find to cover those . It’s so true when I have read that they do not know their having a mlc as she was talking to daughter and saying maybe I am having a mlc so it is true they think everything is normal .
I have also got some councilling starting in February as I know that will definitely help me cope with the situation I would rather have councilling than anti depressants as I did try them. But they did not agree with me even though I tried a few different types they just made me feel worse so threw them away .
They do age rather quickly. Depression, stress, hard living, whatever - it all takes its toll.
Regarding extra money. Giving her any extra funds to help her out, will most likely prolong her journey. She needs to figure out her problems, and money is one of them. She has to see the responsibilities of being an adult.
I know it “feels” wrong to do that, or think that way. After a long term loving relationship, it will take time to reprogram yourself. It does look counter-intuitive, and is really the only compassionate way you can help her.
Pay whatever your agreement or arrangements state. Do this always, on time, and in full. It is the best you can do right now, and a way of living up to those vows we all promised.
It is an interesting coincidence that I just penned a six part post about the Paths of the LBS. I think your questioning of your situation can be understood a bit with that viewpoint.
I also saw the surreality of my situation. We do question our past, our present, and our future. I was bugged by similar thoughts for a time, just like you are now.
This is the result of different aspects of ourselves having different “understandings” our situation. Intellectually you understand, you know your past, the marriage, the love, the life. Emotionally you are not at the same “understanding”. This leads to a misalignment of ourselves, and leads to questioning. Why do I feel this way? Was it real?
We all need to have emotional resolution to this. Some of our tools for understanding is reason and logic. We cannot match our emotions to our reasoned understanding, so a conflict arises. Be careful here, we will match our intellect to our emotions if not on guard, by rewriting our own history.
From you post, I think you can see this conflict, and the possible rewriting that could happen. Fight against it! And I mean fight! This is a battle of your mind. You know what is true and real, even if you don’t feel it.
We cannot think or reason our emotions to healthiness or understanding. We also do not vanquish them, kill them, or banish them forever. We let them flit away. Feelings are fleeting. We stop feeding them, and they wither, and they do not die. Feelings are a part of you, are irrational, and not able to be reasoned with. Perfectly normal. Let them flit away, and accept the irrationality of it. That is how we resolve our emotional state.
Your questions already have answers, you know them. What’s bugging you is something else. Reason and logic are your greatest weapons, and will allow you stop feeding and reinforcing. This will allow other feelings and emotions to take hold and grow; emotions more in line with what is actually happening. Perhaps a compassionate and calm outlook would be desirable, regarding yourself and her.
I hope that made sense. You can ask any questions you like R678. I understand the confusion you are facing. You can and will work through it; don’t loose sight of your headings.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
R678, I have no wise words to share. Only empathy to offer over a somewhat similar situation.
When my W initiated a bomb drop and walked away from the M a year ago, she was filled with anger, resentment, and blame. Since then, she has claimed more responsibility and insists that she needs to leave the M to become more of her authentic self.
Like yourself, I am choosing to remain committed. Like you, I have no guarantees of a desired outcome.
It is not easy, as you know. And I have to constantly demand complete honesty of myself: do I remain here out of love? Or am I here because of fear or obligation? I find I can only truthfully answer the former when I prayerfully dig deep into my core essence.
Wishing you strength and as much peace as you can muster, my friend.
So here we go again cycling straight back to depression. Been good for last few days but today it’s just come back and hit me again .i am totally and utterly cheesed off with this cycling I really wish I was strong enough to call it a day with her and be done with it all but I know that even then it probably won’t stop the cycling . I try and do my best to detach but it is just so difficult to do so. I know through this site and others I have joined that we’re all going through this together but sometimes you just feel so alone that it gets the better of you especially when you’ve got crazy thoughts running through your mind. I don’t think I’m doing this detaching right because she phones up last night and says she’s coming round to the house and I know soon as she’s there all the emotions start and I find myself unable to stop the cycling the next day so I know it’s her that’s triggering them . I think the next time she says she wants to come round for something or other I’m going to decline and say no and although it will probably cause a row but I need to do it for myself . I don’t think im going to move forward otherwise maybe I’m not to sure but reading up seems to fit the bill .
Be gentle on yourself. I am sure this detaching is new to you, it will take time to figure it out. It is coming, just look at how you are compared to a couple of months ago. You are doing well.
Focus on you. When your emotions take over, they highjack you. Be mentally assertive, take control back, and get back in that intellectual car.
To be sure, you do need to feel these feelings to some extent so as to process and heal, so some time in the emotional car is needed and healthy.
Don’t get discouraged, every time you cycle back, it is another step towards detachment.
Feelings, even those harsh, raw, and painful ones do flit away when not reinforced. Try letting yourself feel them for a time limit, say 10-15 minutes. Then wrestle control back from them. Force yourself to do something, while letting the feelings just be. It takes about 30 minutes for a feeling to fade. Just stop feeding it for half an hour and you will see it is a lot smaller.
Now, once you can do that for 30 minutes, you can even increase that time. The big tip here is that you don’t actually stop the feeling, you just feel them in the background. Feeling are processed, you are focused on other things, and you keep healing and getting better.
That will decrease the time of the emotional highjacking, and helps with the next part, the triggers.
Finding detachment does lessen the severity and frequency of the cycling. However, it does not end the feelings. The point of detachment is to uncouple your emotional response from her - her emotions, her behaviour, your memories of her, etc... Your attachment is an irrational response to triggers regarding her. You need to rationalize these triggers. When that happens it places your responses in your intellectual control and not at the whim of your emotional self.
The triggers are based on what ifs, those possible future events which are usually imagined as dire - something that is not realistically probably. Fear is a big part of this. That uncontrolled feeling of dread that paralyzes you.
Pure intellect doesn’t feel, doesn’t hurt, it is logic and reason, it is understanding. Look at your situation, or start with a single event, with fully rational accurate vision. See the trigger event for what it really is, and work to uncouple it from that uncontrolled response. For example:
Originally Posted by R678
I don’t think I’m doing this detaching right because she phones up last night and says she’s coming round to the house and I know soon as she’s there all the emotions start and I find myself unable to stop the cycling the next day so I know it’s her that’s triggering them .
First let’s get rid of the stinking thinking. Try to keep that out of your head, your mind will make your reality. Positive thoughts, positive reality. Really! I’m serious.
Quote
I don’t think I’m doing this detaching right because she phones up last night and says she’s coming round to the house and I know soon as she’s there all the emotions start and I find myself unable to stop the cycling the next day so I know it’s her that’s triggering them.
As you can see, and I know how hard this is, I really do:
- Try to lessen the self doubt.
- Stop predicting your future response as cycling. Predict it as a good response or if that is a bit too hard at this time, just don’t predict your response at all. You are predestining yourself to cycle.
- For your first bit of accurate seeing. You are triggering your own feelings. No one can make you feeling anything. Attachment is an irrational response regarding her. Triggers are based on what ifs and possible future events. Her behaviour, her emotions, memories of her - are all just events. Your response to those events is the trigger that causes the cycle.
That probably seems like splitting hairs, it is not and does have a reason. If you are causing the triggering, then you can stop the triggering, and that is good news. It is not her that’s triggering, she is the event.
So, on to this event. She called you last night and said she is coming to the house. You have an emotional response that is uncontrolled and difficult to end.
Look at the event separate from your feelings of it. Be purely intellectual, non-feeling. She called and is coming over. Has anything changed? No. She hasn’t done anything, threatened anything, nothing is happening. She is just coming over.
What about if she just came over without the phone call? Would you be emotional? Probably. Therefore the phone call is not the big deal, it is the visit.
What about if she cancels the visit, something came up for her. Now what? Still emotional?
How about she didn’t call, planned on coming over, then changed her mind. You would not be cycling, since you didn’t even know about it.
See how your response is disproportionate to the event? See how it is not the event that is the trigger?
Your trigger is an irrational response to a stimulus about her. Your emotional response from the trigger is disproportionate to the event itself. Looking rationally helps.
I want to assure you R678, your emotions are normal, healthy, and shared by all of us at one time or another. This is just a way to see them clearly and loosen their hold and power over you.
I hope you can see what I am trying to say.
Originally Posted by R678
I’m going to decline and say no and although it will probably cause a row but I need to do it for myself.
I need to do it for myself - Yes! Awesome!
Detachment is not for her, not for M, not for R. Detachment is for you. Well done.
You are the most important person in this. Keep you headings and focus on you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hello everyone thought I’d give you all an update on things as I haven’t posted for a while . What’s the latest well s26 was talking to w other day apparently she’s not happy with me (suprise suprise ) why this unhappiness well according to her I have been hiding her passport if all things . To explain I went out on New Year’s Eve but this function required Id so because driving license was not available I took our passports In A wallet which they are kept in , when I got home and was getting changed I placed the wallet containing the passports into my suit pocket which I forgot to put back in the usual place my own mistake . So she comes round when I was at work obviously needing her passport for something couldn’t find them in the usual place so went on a hunt eventually finding them in my suit pocket .(both of them mind ) and both in said wallet .not according to w she’s telling him oh he’s been hiding it from me (I must of been hiding my own from myself then to ) why is it that in their mind everything ha a motive behind it why not just oh he left them in suit pocket . If she would of asked I would of given it to her but no we have this debarcle instead so I’d better prepare myself for some angry spewing when I see her . Oh the joy NOT.
