Thankyou for letting me join your site . I was bomb dropped 7 months ago now wife moved out to a rented room wants to be on her own and the likes . My problem is that I cannot seem to stop cycling backwards to anger and depression I get all kinds of thoughts in my head should I just call it a day should I wait etc etc , I seem to have couple of good days then a few bad days really getting to me now . I just hate being in this situation it seems as though my life has stopped even though I have taken up new hobbies and interests my thoughts will not stop focusing on her even though I’ve read up in what to do to help myself . Everyday my thoughts keep going back to her what’s she up to and all that stuff that wears you down to the ground . I just feel if I don’t stop I’m going to end up with a nervous breakdown if I’m not careful . One of the issues I’m having is whether she’s in an affair or not that thought constantly eats me up and I know I’m not doing myself any favours with this way of thinking but even though I have odd days not thinking about it my mind always goes back to that way of thinking .coupd you please give me some advise to get myself out of this horrid rut and move forward. Her mlc is about her and I know that I can’t help her but if only I could be strong enough in my own mind to cope with this it would help me a lot
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thankyou for your reply I certainly will read all there is to read can I just ask if the time will come when I will stop cycling back and forth or does it go on for a long time
I am sorry for the situation you are in. The cycling of emotions feels terrible. I am sure you have read different situations on this site and have seen the kind and knowledge people and their caring advice. A lot of advice will seem counterintuitive, and not what you want to hear. You are not alone, we know with what you struggle.
Feel free to post as often as you wish. Ask questions, journal, vent - it really does help.
Perhaps you can fill in some details. How long have you been married? Any kids? Ages of all parties?
You mentioned your W moved out to be on her own 7 months ago. Have you separated the finances, house payments, bills, rent of new place, is she just paying her way, custody of children (if there are any). I am sure you have made arrangements in these matters, I hope you will feel comfortable enough to share them. These are a source of attachment to your absent spouse, a method to hang on, probably unrealized and devious in how it continually ensnares you.
Other trapping thoughts are of her possible affair. You are correct, it will eat you up, grind you down, and an emotional breakdown is a real possibility. Good for you to see this hazard, and even better to reach out for help and guidance.
You state you know that her MLC is about her and that you cannot help her. It is clear you have done some homework and are leading with the correct foot, so to speak. You have heard, I am sure, focus on you.
You will hear this many times. It is very sound advice.
Focus on you.
You need emotional detachment. A place where the actions or emotional state of your W does not cause an uncontrollable change in your emotional state.
For me, accuracy was the key. I have wrote about it, heck who am I kidding I’ve wrote about all kinds of stuff.
Anyhow, be accurate in thought and heart - truly accurate. See what she is doing, what you are thinking, feeling, your behaviours, the effects at work. Shine that light on to your situation, into every dark recess, do not allow denial to hide out anywhere or gain a foothold. This is tough, too be sure.
As you look accurately, you start to understand. Undsrstnding will lead to accepting. Acceptance leads to detachment. More or less. This is not linear, and the delimitation between stages are not carved in stone.
In a larger view, you are addicted to your W. Don’t worry, I think that is normal, a good sign of a good relationship. However, now that very attachment is hurting you. Every time you act or behave like you used to, like your very instincts tell you too, you are reenforcing this addiction. It is a struggle to see this within one’s self. Once you do, you will realize that was the harder part, accurately seeing things helps with the withdrawal.
R678, I know I have giving you a lot at one time. You are 7 months in, I think you can handle it.
Focus on you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
What a truly wonderful reply thank you so much well to answer a couple of your questions we have been together 27 years married for 6 years have 3 grown up children and 7 grandchildren my age is 54 wife 47 I didn’t really know about mlc until she gave me the bomb drop and since then have spent every day trying to find more information on it I wished I had found your site earlier on but st least Im here now . I have been on hearts blessing so that has gave me a wealth of information and as they say you can never have to much information. They have told me she is in replay stage so at least I know where she is at .regarding house finances I’m paying all the bills in our house now ,she pays her rent where she is at the moment. The one thing I am struggling with every single day is with anxiety. I tried some anti depressants 3 different types to be exact but they all made me feel worse so stopped taking them . You are right about the affair side of things because I know that if she is or does havie an affair my heart will be broken more than it is now but I do know she’s been texting (a friend)as she says when I confronted her about it a while ago now and the daughter has asked her and she says there is no one else just want to be in my own but who knows .just the thought of her being intimate with someone else breaks me but I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about it I just hope and pray that she’s strong enough not to but who knows .i know from reading that mlc is triggered by an event and know that her mother passing on most proberly triggered it but thinking back over a couple over 2 or 3 years somethings that she said didn’t quite add up the daughter even said something about her a couple of years ago so maybe denial and anger could of started then I also know that she has many childhood issues as we have spoken about some of them in the past ,so I know that she must face these also plus she has suffered depression a few times over the years so I guess this makes her an ideal candidate for mlc. We are still in contact she comes to the house roughly once a week gets her post although half the time I do not know how to handle it .the spewing seems to have stopped awhile ago now ,for now ,as she hadn’t spewed for a while now but then again half the conversation is only small talk as I find I do not want to get to much into a conversation with her as I find I don’t know what to say to her I suppose I’m just treading carefully. It is so hard when your feelings are still intact but there’s aren’t I sometimes wish you could see the mlc like you can measles or something (wishful thinking on my part I think ) as you don’t really know what’s going through there mind at anytime and the worst thing is nobody else can see it although the kids know she’s not her normal self and I've told ld them about mlc so they do know. She has definitely distanced her self to a degree from the kids they even say mom never phones us or nothing any more so I told them how it works so at least they understand .so for now I’ve filled you in on my situation and just hope that with your help and guidance I can get to know how to get through this.i will post more about the last 7 months since bombstop as It comes back to me .
Good for you to see antidepressants will not solve this
Most of us here experienced what you are experiencing
You can and will get though this
It will get better
And thoughts of OMs are the worst
Sadly for most of us there is an EA or PA of some sort
They say there is no way around the pain
Only through the pain
I tried the pain avoidance technique
And it did not work
It only made things worse
Only made me feel more trapped in that pain
So yes write vent cry question scream yell
Here and IRL
Most have no idea how to suppprt you
But you will find help if you open yourself to it
And it may come from someone you least suspect
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hil haven’t posted for a while so here goes .well I’m still cycling back and forth the With the anxiety the one I cannot seem to shift .not spoken to the mlc for a week now and although I’m concentrating on myself it’s still hard to keep the focus off of her and on me I constantly struggle.i don’t know I’m having a lot of mixed thoughts and feelings confusion it’s all there even the anger makes it’s way through .to be honest I don’t know if this is how it’s going to be from now on because soon as I open my eyes bang instant thoughts again which then sets you off for the day .mayve I’m not strong enough to get through this and I’ll carry on moping around feeling sorry for myself which I don’t want to I want to move forward but don’t know how.itS funny really because although I do still love her I can’t help but be angry at her for making me Like this .its hard as well as because we moved 6 years ago I haven’t really made a lot of friends so apart from a work colleague I haven’t really got anybody to talk to.sometimes I get the thought in my head oh just divorce her then that disappears and the other main issue comes into my head who’s she with is she seeing someone else blah blah blah all negative thoughts I know I just can’t seem to stop them I honestly do not know what the answer is.yoi know it’s been 7 months now since bd and I wouldn’t honestly have thought I’d still be feeling like this I thought it would be better once she moved out but I’m not sure if it is well it is because I couldn’t carry on Living as we were that was horrific but I can’t have these feelings like I have all the time it’s not healthy for me . Is it right to feel resentment toward her for making you like this I know that it’s not her fault she’s having a mlc but the way it’s made me is just not good.you know I even say to myself I’d wished I’d never met her because at least I wouldn’t be like this and I know that’s just anger talking but I can’t seem to break the cycle I wouldn’t wish this on anybody
R678: give yourself the kindness and space to feel all of the above. Is it normal to feel all these things? Yes, it is, for you. Most of us have gone through all the same iterations as you. Even 2 years after BD I still can cycle through all of the above, but it is much much better. It is hard work this focusing on yourself and letting go. It is so normal for our minds to keep going to thinking about them, what is "lost" or what maybe we could have done or do. But it is important to constantly remind yourself that although you feel that way she is in her own crises, and you are not a part of it. You didn't create it, and yes you are a victim of it. So sadness, loss, anger, shock, denial. All of these are how we try to cope.
Habit and practice helps, keep doing things for yourself, try to distract yourself from the negative thoughts. Find things to do for yourself. Talk to people who understand (most of the time friends may not). Is therapy an option? It will help you sort through the maze of feelings.
Also holidays and big events tend to be triggers of these feelings, specially very early on (and yes 7 months is very early on unfortunately). But to be aware of that may also help, knowing this is part of the coping and healing.
Keep posting, put words to your feelings, allow yourself to feel bad, note it, then try to turn away to more positive things.
hang in there everything your feeling is normal It will pass In the mean tme, listen to some positive u tube videos
I recommend Joel Olsteen Tony Robbings Les Brown Abrahma Hicks
these will uplift you and just practice letting go shift the thoughts to a hobby get a hobby help someone in need volunteer at a church anything to get through-
join a sipport group or a 12 step group or a club to get more interactions
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
