Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
T
Turbine Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
Okay, here is the start of thread number three. Lot of information on the prior two. Here are the links to them:


http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61661&Number=2810304#Post2810304

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2821143&page=1

So what is new? A good question.

W isn't home right now. Not as panicky about that as I had been before. Gives me time to do some of my domestic necessities. So I made my dinner of linguine and Prego. Yeah W makes the absolute best but Not bringing it up. So I am slumming.

Got laundry going. Dishes are washed. Found out the light above the stove is out. Friday chore. I'll have the time to get the bulb and change it since work is the same sitch with half-day Fridays. Would be great if things got better.

Spent the weekend with younger D, S, their BF/GF, grandsons and the resident canine and feline. Good time. Good to have memories like that. Picked up the grandsons from school yesterday with my S. Oldest grandson wanted to play for a bit despite the freezing temp. The younger one and I waited in the car and talked. He even wanted to teach me Rock, Paper, Scissors. Was fun, especially when he was explaining the order and ended with shoot. So I said Rock , Paper , Scissors, gun?. He found that very funny and we got a little more millage out of that joke. First graders...

Hey... Dad and now Grandpa jokes... I've earned the right to tell them.

Anyway feeling a little less angsty. Reading quite a few threads and the extra perspective helps. I'll read a bit more and comment about that later.

As always if there is something I am going on a tear about and you have a handy 2x4...


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
T
Turbine Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
Church last night. Good lesson. I wish my sleep schedule were more normal. Couldn't tell you half of what was said during the sermon. Not good.

Slept better last night though. Took a non-addictive sleep aid, which the name eludes me at the moment, and made it to 4 AM. Normal schedule would have had me awake at 2 AM after going to bed at 10 PM. I know I know, that will catch up to me sooner or later. Really need to take a cruise ship vacation. Sleeping on the ship, gentle rocking motion. About the only good thing about being stationed on a ship during my service. Okay... I got to meet my W that way too.

W apparently didn't go to church last night. Mostly feel disappointed about that. She got home from ??? just as I was leaving. So I left the door unlocked. Just as in she was getting out of her car as I was walking out the door to the house. Was tempted to ask her about going with me to church. I didn't. Not sure why she didn't go. Not asking her either. Yes I am still to worried about her and whatever she is doing.

Talked with BiL about getting off the phone plan with her and get a better deal.

Brought some containers in from outside and have let them sit for a few days so when I go to use them they aren't brittle. Going to start packing up photo albums from my parents. Those are mine anyway so shouldn't get the lawyers bent out of shape. Although atm I am thinking the lawyers can go get bent.

Wondering about the minister I have been talking with. He knows what is going on. I haven't kept him current on the sitch with the W. more on getting me to a better place spiritually. Since he travels in the district and at some point may run into my W, I don't want anything he says to seem to have any connection to me in any way, shape or form. Too late after telling him anything. Too many mistakes early on.

Still reading Gordie. Picked up about musings from AmyC. Applicable to me? IDK. Give me hope... sure. To resolve this with a MR 2.0? Waiting and working on Turbine 2.0 first. Then we see about the MR.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Quote
To me she is that important to me.


This is a message for every LBH on here------> is she important enough for you to completely let go of her, to give her what she wants and not put your needs in front of hers? When it comes down to it, saving the M is all about what YOU want, right? I know how hard it is to let go. But that's what we have to do. We fight for our marriages by not fighting for them. By letting go, by giving our WAS's what they want. That's not "giving up", that's respecting their wishes even when they don't align with our own. It's the ultimate show of love, and one that might help them to change their minds about us later on.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
T
Turbine Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Quote
To me she is that important to me.


This is a message for every LBH on here------> is she important enough for you to completely let go of her, to give her what she wants and not put your needs in front of hers? When it comes down to it, saving the M is all about what YOU want, right? I know how hard it is to let go. But that's what we have to do. We fight for our marriages by not fighting for them. By letting go, by giving our WAS's what they want. That's not "giving up", that's respecting their wishes even when they don't align with our own. It's the ultimate show of love, and one that might help them to change their minds about us later on.


Wow... Enter the Dragon moment. The art of fighting without fighting. Bruce Lee level of wisdom.

Can I do that? Take that leap of faith? In her? In me? In God?
Right now it is with such a heavy heart. Is that blowing up the bridge so to speak? IDK. I pray the foundation remains and is solid enough to rebuild on. If not...??? According to His plan.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
T
Turbine Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
So... lets see... snowed today, just not enough to do more than tease everyone about winter. I don't mind winter. Mom loved winter. So snowfalls remind me of her slightly more than any other memory.

Work is a little whacked atm with lots of stuff all due at once. Not just a quick test either... ahhh job security. Got a little OT today because of that. Normally I would have let my W know. Didn't though. Sort of feel bad about it, although she doesn't share her activities with me. Sad here. I still want the MR, ver 2.0 of course.

Reading through some of the Gordie threads. I've said it before, Lots of solid information there. Based on the comments I am not sure whether to feel lucky or not with the W doing an in house S. A bedroom wall doesn't block sounds she makes. Moving around, laughing on the phone, whatever. More sad. I love her laugh. Wish I were the reason for it and not the tears. Which she seems to have gotten over long ago. Sad again. Yeah I kick myself over this still. At this point though... all in God's hands, according to His plan.

Speaking of God, I have been praying far more than I did before BD. Returning to church, striving for peace in my mind, heart and soul. There was a few posts in the threads that touched on God and answering prayers. I am praying to be reconciled with W (not surprising right) and wondering about the selfishness of that. I admit it crosses my mind often. I have been trying to be more accepting of all of this. Which doesn't mean liking it. I have to do this. I have to learn something from all of this right? Not just about what should have been done either. About what I need to do, W returning or not.

So I am working out enough that the muscles are pleasantly sore. Does that even make sense? I can feel a difference in the targeted muscles so I am accomplishing one of my goals.

I had a load of towels to wash up today. Since I worked late I didn't expect them to already been washed and in the dryer. Not sure what or if it means diddly. Whatever. The towels got washed. There were a pile of dishes in the sink and a full rack of dried dishes. So I put away the dry stuff and washed the stuff in the sink. Yes W saw me do it. She didn't ask me too and I am not expecting anything from it (I hope). Okay maybe just the fact she saw me do it. Does that even count? Far too much of this is shades of gray. I am so not feeling any sort of skill mastery or understanding here.

Am I self inflicting here with the 2x4s? Apologies for the rambling nature of my writing. My buddy in CA from my Navy days gets this live during phone calls. I don't mean about this. I mean in conversations in general. Anything and everything is fair game. I think they are screening their calls. Sort of like " Oh no! It's Turbine! I answered last time, its your turn now."


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
Keep detaching. Work actively to GAL and detach. You're caught up with her still, and you should be letting go.

Likely her laughing and making noise is to mess with you and she is not as well as she wants you to think, but who cares? Let her go through her journey and get out of her way. Focus your time and energy on something you can control.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 953
Quote
I have been trying to be more accepting of all of this. Which doesn't mean liking it. I have to do this. I have to learn something from all of this right? Not just about what should have been done either. About what I need to do, W returning or not.


Absolutely. This is the path you should be following. What have you learned about yourself and your values? If you can figure that out it can point you in the right direction.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
T
Turbine Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Keep detaching. Work actively to GAL and detach. You're caught up with her still, and you should be letting go.

Likely her laughing and making noise is to mess with you and she is not as well as she wants you to think, but who cares? Let her go through her journey and get out of her way. Focus your time and energy on something you can control.


I don't believe her making noise is to mess with me. W, BiL, MiL (when she lived with us) all are not quiet or considerate of others. By that I mean they don't try to be quiet when someone else is sleeping. If my wife was sleeping and I couldn't, I would leave our room until I was tired again. Tossing and turning bothered her. Returning to bed bothered her. Can't win.

Originally Posted by Davide
Quote
I have been trying to be more accepting of all of this. Which doesn't mean liking it. I have to do this. I have to learn something from all of this right? Not just about what should have been done either. About what I need to do, W returning or not.


Absolutely. This is the path you should be following. What have you learned about yourself and your values? If you can figure that out it can point you in the right direction.


What I have learned is I am beating myself to death over this because there are parts I did have control over and I screwed up. I value HER. I value what we were and what we should be. I despise what I did. Yes I know it takes two. Well when she was, I wasn't. Now that I will, she won't. I believe at least for now.

So... with my sleep schedule being all over the map I nodded off on the couch yesterday afternoon (half day) after lunch, haircut, picking up a few things at the hardware store and paying a bill at city hall. Woke up when Ray called me. Going to help him later today with something easy. Then we are going for lunch. Getting a few things down from his attic and he wants an extra set of hands. He is mid 80's and is worried about not dropping stuff on the ladder and general stability. Not a problem. Glad to do it. I know I will miss him when he is gone. But not yet.

Off topic there... apologies.

Still was dozing when W got home. Her shutting the car door woke me again. I hadn't turned on the outside lights so I did that and since she was at the door I unlocked it too. Yes, she had her keys and is capable of unlocking the door. Just seemed like a jerk move to not unlock the door. Which she did say thanks for. Unless my mind is playing tricks on me about that. I hope not. I don't think so though.

Fixed supper, she left. I showered and got ready for bed after dishes. She returned. I had been not terribly well detached at that particular instance fyi.

She didn't leave and was here, in her room all night.

I had taken Melatonin two nights ago and slept better (longer). Skipped the next night, not so well. Took one last night and slept better/longer. So I guess that will help me on that front. To be reported to my Dr.

This morning watched an episode of Hawaii Five 0 (S4, E17 specifically). Usual show stuff... not the problem. The multi episode side story arc with Det. Danny Williams and his parent's divorce... yeah... not so much. Big problem actually.

SO NOT DETACHED...

Story arc has Mom being a WAW and Danny and his sisters recreate the parents "first date" and have Dad with all the stuff needed flown in. (I know not very realistic. Bear with me because I need this. Thank you in advance)
Mom had filed. Felt unloved, unappreciated, ready for them to "fall in love" again because that was what she was expecting. He (Dad) had just retired from the Fire Department and also felt no longer needed. Not realizing what his wife was expecting or needing. (overly condensed for TV but fits the "myth").

So after treating Mom to a day spa, she comes home (unknowingly) to the recreated "first date", complete with the stubborn expert (husband). Yes, happy ending, bended knee apology, heart wrenching forgiveness.

Yeah, cried about that. Cried because it seems the only person willing to fight or try right now is Turbine. Yes, the kids say they will support me in my choice. Not exactly cheering for the MR 2.0 though. Cheering for Turbine 2.0 though. Cried again about that. Into my pillow since I know how thin the walls are and if I can hear her then she can hear me. Be strong and not show any of this is getting to you right? Doesn't that come across as cold and uncaring? I can see the other side as being seen as weak. Put on the brave face, etc...

So... GAL... yeah working on that. Maybe look into archery.

maybe I should have been Tinman because she ripped my heart out. I want her to be happy. Always have. I need me to be happy though too. Right now... just not seeing away out of this forest.

Feel a tiny bit better after writing all that. I know there is more inside that will be let out. Part of the healing I will need I guess.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
GAL is important T. Get something to help your mind. Meet some people besides church. You need GAL to achieve detaching.

Stay strong T!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
T
Turbine Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 355
Last night was rough too. Why? IDK for certain. Went to church. Twice a week... still don't feel like I fit in. Predominantly a Filipino congregation/church. Why go? Because we went. It feels right to me to be there, spiritually. That's all that matters right? Disclosure, didn't always feel like I fit in before either. So... yeah weird I guess.

If I ever do get the MR 2.0 with the W or end up in a new MR 1.0 and since I have a thing for Asian women... Hanging out at the ER is more than a little creepy.

So Sunday afternoon activities with S on gaming friends. GAL? Maybe... doesn't keep my mind off W and the sitch.

So want to tell her so much. Good, bad (as in critical of her), apologetic, asking her for apologies... a whole range of stuff. I get about two sentences into the conversation in my head and it falls apart. Oh well... those fall apart far faster when I would actually talk to her.

Haven't though.

All in all the past 48 hours feel like a back slide. Dark backslide.


H (me) 56 ; W 54 ; M 32 ; D 32 ; D 30 ; S 21 ; Grandkids: 12, 11, 10, 8, 1
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard