Hi Davide, overall you seem to be doing great, emotional ups and downs after meeting W is common, so overall you are handling it great. April is not far but who knows whats in store 5 months from now right? If anything after this, I have learnt we need to take life overall just in the present, enjoying every bit of it instead of looking back at the past or trying to plan the future. You will know what to do when it is April, until then let things unfold the way they are supposed to. Your healing journey seems to be on a steady path so just continue feeling better. Hugs
Hey folks. I have been and will be a bit incommunicado for a few days because I drove up (11 hours!) to spend Thanksgiving with my family at the beach. It is 26 degrees out (that is Fahrenheit) and windy, the coldest Thanksgiving of my lifetime.
However, honestly, I feel a much joy and gratitude today which warms my heart. I appreciate and am grateful for all the experiences I have been lucky enough to have and even more so for the amazing people who have come into my life. I am incredibly grateful for all the advice and support (and 2x4s) that I received on this anonymous online forum. Thanks to all of you for helping me through the most difficult stretch of my life. It amazes me how much love and care one can feel for a virtual presence, a digital silhouette of a person, but the feelings are real.
May you all have a wonderful day!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Mildest November up here on the West Coast that I can remember but the cold is coming. So happy to read your post Davide. I, too, am grateful for this forum and for the people on here who take the time to offer such thoughtful and honest advice. I am way better off right now emotionally than I would have been had I not found this site. Moving towards acceptance and towards surrendering to the process and letting be what will be. I think that is the goal for most of us. Happy Thanksgiving!!
Not sure if I have missed the chance to come back to you ... you might already be enjoying the [cold] beach ... of which I am still most envious. There are no real beaches here and even if there was, it is ALWAYS BLOODY cold here. On days like today I miss the long stretches of golden sands of my homeland.
I agree re the love and care I have found here. I too am grateful for the people who take the time to read our sitches and offer advice, guidance and sometimes just a simple "you're doing great". It has helped me in my darkest moments. Your sitch gives me hope that one day I will get to a point where I can again look at each day as a blessing.
Hey folks. I just wanted to check in with an update. Things are going well. I spent a wonderful long weekend with my parents at the beach and had a sumptuous meal with my extended family. I also was able to spend an afternoon with my high school best friend and his wife and four kids, and spend a night with a good college friend and his wife and baby. I think at a lot of points in the recent past I would have been at least a bit depressed by seeing their families and suffering from the sin of comparison. But this time I genuinely enjoyed the time - I love kids and babies.
I also recently decided to start dating again. It was not a choice that I took lightly. Nor do I kid myself that I am completely healed from the trauma of the dissolution of my marriage. I am not fully healed. But I realized that there was no goal line that I was going to cross, no endpoint at which time it would be crystal clear that I am healed and over it. It is always an ongoing process, which I know from working through the grief of losing my brother. So, despite still working through my grief, I came to the realization that I am capable of both grief and love. I am not doing this to fill a void in my life, to make up for deficiencies (which I need to fill myself), but because I think that I have a lot to offer. I have love in my heart which I am ready to share with someone who is worthy of it.
One of the inspirations for my decision was a podcast called "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" which is hosted by a female writer who lost her husband to brain cancer at age 31 with a small baby to raise on her own. I highly recommend it in general as an unflinchingly honest look at grief and loss, done in a way that is neither cheesily uplifting nor simply depressing. In any case, a recent episode was a selection from her upcoming book in which she talks about not letting anyone "should" on you. She uses this expression to mean worrying both about other people think you should do in the grief process, as well as what your own internal expectations make you think you should do. She is remarried two years later with a new baby with her new husband, but she still struggles with the grief over her loss.
A part of the episode which really resonated with me was this:
Quote
Some people closed themselves around their loss, it makes them and their world smaller. Nobody blames them for this but they do get impatient with it. It's not easy to befriend a hedgehog whose quills are constantly out. Some people use that gaping hole as an incentive to climb out, to make themselves and their lives bigger, not just in honor of the person they lost but also in honor of themselves and of the glorious fact that they still get to be alive.
In any case, I have been on a couple of dates which have gone well. There is always the awkward conversation in which I alert them to the fact that not only am I still married, but separated, but also that my seven year marriage only ended seven months ago. One woman that I am currently seeing was very skeptical of my emotional readiness after that admission. I simply told her the truth, as I laid out above, and that I certainly couldn't make any promises or give assurances beyond that. I hope that my honesty and willingness to openly self-reflect is enough to avoid hurting anyone.
Finally, last night when I came home from dinner with friends my W was sitting on the back steps after walking the dog. I said hi and later she came in and we talked just a little bit. She was tearing up, and then started crying and said that she always wants to talk with me but that she can't help but cry from unresolved emotions. She remarked that I seemed under control. I tried to validate by saying that I knew how it felt to lack control over emotions, but that was pretty much it and she left. We agreed to meet and talk about finances at some point in the coming weeks.
It was the first time in a long time that I felt sympathy for her after a long stretch of resentment. She just seemed weak and all over the place emotionally. But I felt no desire to comfort her or hug her, or take any responsibility for her emotions. I felt bad seeing her like that, but in a distanced way. Internally, it felt like a big shift. For a long time I haven't spent much if any time wondering what she is doing, but when put face to face I felt put on the defensive emotionally. But this time it felt like the tables were flipped.
In any case, I look forward to a few 2x4s after this update, and hope that they will help clarify and refine my thinking even more.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Expectations man, you are there. Youīll always have love for W somewhere in your heart, you can have hope too. But itīs about expectations and being detached. Itīs sad, itīs her loss. She needs to do her own work...if/when she decides to.
Abrazo bro!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
In any case, a recent episode was a selection from her upcoming book in which she talks about not letting anyone "should" on you. She uses this expression to mean worrying both about other people think you should do in the grief process, as well as what your own internal expectations make you think you should do.
I used to be big into philosophy, despite having a STEM educational background. I thoroughly enjoy it. I always thought of "should", and for that matter "right" and "wrong", as words people use to control others. You "should" do this or you "should" do that. Most always, what you "should" do is what best suits that other person. Humans are crazy and selfish like that.
I don't "like" that you are going to date, but it's so easy for me to say that from afar. I don't think it's right for me to date while still married, but of course there is the part of me that yearns for attention, conversation, appreciation, affection, physical touch. I haven't decided to do that yet, and of course our situations are different. I hope for the best for you Davide. Follow your heart, but use your head.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for your contribution. I fully expected a negative reaction here because I know that what I am doing a) does not concord with the values (often but not exclusively religious) of many people here, and b) it goes against the principle of "standing" for the MR which is a bedrock of DBing. However, I didn't make this decision lightly or impetuously, but rather by considering what my values are. I highly value my relationships and a sense of commitment and was 100% faithful during my marriage. However, I do not particularly care about pieces of paper issued by the government or religious entities and that is all that is left of my marriage.
I agree with you that "shoulds" are a form of control. I don't think they are necessarily malicious in their intent (though they can be.) Rather, they are a way that we construct a narrative of life and the world that makes sense to us. You "should" go to college because it will help you get a good job and earn more money. What is interesting to me is that they are probably even more powerful internally than externally. We unknowingly swallow so many expectations throughout the years and internalize the "shoulds" to the point that we think they are our own values, even if they don't really concord with our true values. I "should" have been happier in my previous position because it paid more and it was much more prestigious, even though I felt creatively stifled. It can be even harder to get past these internal shoulds. I always thought that I "should" get married for life to one person. Unfortunately, life happened and my illusion of control over things was stripped away.
It's a really interesting topic that has come up quite a bit in my counseling sessions as well. I definitely recommend listening to that episode of the podcast (I think it is the most recent one).
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I hope dating goes well for you! My impression is there are many schools of thought when it comes to dating while separated or near divorce. There are some that'll wear their wedding rings and keep trying to reconcile while others will date right away and even get re-married quickly. I imagine if you're honest with the women you're dating about your situation and they're ok with it then everything will progress well. I have no interest in dating but so so many people have encouraged me to do so. I guess we're all different. I could imagine meeting the guy I liked from work for dinner but not getting into a full relationship. It's such a grey area being in this stage. For you, finding someone special could be a real blessing. It could really help you to move forward and to make the most of your life in the present if you feel you've come to terms with your wife being gone permanently. There are so many posters on this board that write "just when you move on that's when they come back." I'll be curious to see if your wife magically comes back after you've gotten into a serious relationship with a new woman!
