you pursued a little bit when you asked her to have tea. She responded positively. Tell her "sounds good" in response to her wanting to have tea together. Short and easy.
And why not let her continue to pay for half of the house? She decided to move out and take on an additional expense, not you. Choice and consequence. Unless you are trying to "keep the peace" and make things easy on her. Where have you left that situation when you last talked to her?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Just to be clear, I was making tea and asked her if she wanted some - I didn't invite her out to have tea at some point in the future. It wasn't meant as pursuit, and there was no expectation on my part. She didn't want any and that was that. She texted me later about taking me up on the invitation at some later date. It wasn't in reaction to my invitation which she had already declined. Regardless, I don't particularly want to have tea with her, so I think it is best just not to answer. It wasn't a question anyway.
The last we talked about finances was in late May when we set up the current system in which we basically separated all expenses except the mortgage, which comes out of our joint account. It's not even that she is paying for the house right now, just that the payment is coming from the joint account.
Why change? Because it seems fair - 4 months in for her, 4 months in for me. Also because I'd rather not be sharing expenses with her at this point as I have become resigned to the inevitablility of D. When I agreed to (really made up) these terms I was still in the phase of hoping for R. I no longer see that as a realistic outcome of the situation. She hasn't complained or brought it up once, so it certainly isn't about appeasing her, just my own moral compass and desire for further separation.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hi Davide, this is an area where a consultation with an accountant or lawyer might be helpful. Does your state or province offer legal separation as an option? If not does that mean you and your wife are just informally deciding how to split things? It seems like further financial separation almost has to be brought up in the context of divorce but I'm not really sure I understand your whole situation. I hope though it'll be an easy issue to handle. It's good that you're feeling ready to tackle it!
I'm not at a point where I need an accountant or attorney quite yet, but it is always there in the back of my mind. In my state there is no real "legal separation." Residing in different places (with at least one person not intending to stay married) is the basis, and a one year separation is required before filing for divorce. From what I understand if we both agree to say that we separated earlier the state doesn't really look into it, so it is possible that the process could get started before April. I could certainly wait until we start the D proceedings to split things up any further and clear up what is going to happen with the house. I suppose this is a mixture of impatience and sense of fairness. I would prefer to split things up with her without involving lawyers, and that would be my initial attempt, but I am also not going to allow myself to be taken advantage of in any way. I very much doubt that it would come to that.
On a GAL note, I got outdoors climbing again today with a friend. I had been battling a bad cold all week and it rained nearly non-stop from Monday through Thursday, so it was great to be out in the sun with the autumn foliage still near its colorful peak. It is really peaceful. However, a group bouldering near us had a close encounter with a rattlesnake - the fist time I've seen (and heard!) one up-close in the wild. I'm also going to go out this evening by myself to watch a professional basketball game as my favorite team is in town for one of only two visits all year. So that should be a fun change as well.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide, I totally agree if things can be split without spending money on lawyers that'd be ideal. April's not too far off but I can relate to the impatient feeling.
Sounds like a fun time climbing and going to a basketball game. The way you write makes it sound like you're not depressed anymore. Do you still feel you battle with depression or does it seem to have gone away?
I would say that I am not depressed right now. I certainly have low moments where the weight and reality of my situation presses down on me, but I am more in control of my emotions and reactions now. When things were bad the negative thoughts would spiral uncontrollably and it felt like a there was a fog in my brain, everything was less sharp and the future seemed dark and without possibilities. I know that I have and probably will always have a tendency to lapse into that if I am not careful. Yoga, meditation, and a focus on living mindfully in the moment have really helped me stay balanced.
Like I mentioned this week was a little tough because the weather was simply miserable and I was suffering from a bad cold (not to mention interacting with W!) That meant that I didn't get to go out and do my normal social GAL activities, it also meant that I wasn't able to exercise very much. Those are the very things that I use to feel good about myself and keep depression at bay. However, I think that I was able to stay even-keeled by practicing self-compassion, not beating myself up for not exercising, listening to my body, getting extra sleep. I also tried to appreciate the positive moments of the week - my first visit to IC in 5 weeks, a surprise piñata party at school for my belated birthday. For me the balance is in recognizing and acknowledging the pain of my situation, not denying it but accepting it as a given and still finding a way to be positive. It is very much a work in progress, but I can see how far I have come and that helps.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hey D just getting caught up - seems like you are doing well. These brief interactions with the W tend to bring us back to wanting the good old days. Otherwise it seems you have a good hold of your sitch. Keep going - i'm very proud of your progress.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Sip, neffer, ya estoy tomando mucho té por lo de dejar el cafe. Y pienso en hacer las empanadas para mi familia con las sobras después del día de acción de gracias.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
