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Old thread [url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2822274#Post2822274][/url] http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2822274#Post2822274

Reposted from old thread

Can I get some financial advice? (Maybe Vanilla is still lurking???)

At the end of May my W and I separated most of our finances and bills, creating separate bank accounts and placing a sum of money from our joint account in them in order to get started. The rest of the joint accounts is still there but neither of us has touched it since then (I have alerts just in case.) We are also currently 50/50 splitting our phone bill and gym membership just because it saves a bit a money.

The other big thing we have outstanding is our mortgage payment on the house which I am living in. That is currently still being drafted out of our joint accounts. My thinking on that was that she lived in the house from April-July (4 months) and the mortgage was coming out of our joint accounts so it was only fair for me to live in the house for 4 months (Aug-Dec) with the money coming from our joint account. She is now renting an apartment out of her own money. The joint account will clearly be split at a certain percentage between us (maybe 50/50, although 70/30 would be a fairer distribution given how much more I put in) so if I keep drafting the mortgage from there it will be coming out her money as well.

My thought is to stop that and start drafting from my personal account. The mortgage is in both of our names. I really just want to separate out everything (mortgage, phone, gym) so that we don't have any joint payments any more. Obviously we (or mediators or lawyers) will need to negotiate the split of the accounts and the mortgage when we reach that point, this is just an intermediary step. I just wonder if there are any unforeseen consequences that I may be overlooking. I know that I would be paying more into the house, but that also just feels right since I am the only one using it. I also know that people will say to beware because the WW (or WH) will screw you over at every turn, but the actions of this WW have been consistent even post-BD and I am honestly not worried about that aspect at all. It's not about the money for either one of us.

Any thoughts?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Davide Offline OP
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Hmm... I guess the financial experts aren't around right now.

Quick unrelated question... I've been under the weather for a few days so I decided not to go out biking this evening. I texted W to let her know because she was coming by to spend time with the dog. I let her know that I thought it was weird for her to sneak around and that she could come in and say hello while picking up the dog. She told me that she was just doing that to respect my privacy. In any case she came in and said hi, all good. Then when she came back to drop the dog off I asked her if she wanted some tea, which I was making for myself, and she declined. She did ask me to send her love to my parents and brother who I am visiting for Thanksgiving next week, and said that her parents wanted me to know that they loved me. A little weird. I said thanks, and also told her that she was free to send a message or call my family and tell them herself if she wanted.

Later in the evening she texted and said that she would like to take me up on the tea some other time and to be safe on my trip. Per my intensive db training my initial reaction is simply not to respond since there is no question to respond to and it isn't something that really needs a response. I honestly don't think I really want to get together with her and have tea at this point. I'm certainly capable of being civil and friendly, but I don't want a friendship with her right now. I suppose I am really just looking for confirmation that ignoring the message is the best course of action. I have gone out of my way over the past week to be polite and civil (thanking her for her birthday card, saying goodbye at the gym, asking her to come in and say hello rather than sneaking around the side of the house) because a) I can handle it at this point and b) it is the right thing to do.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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D,

I thought I read somewhere you were D not separated. If I were you I would split out all accounts so all your finances are separate. Get your name off of anything your W pays especially if it can affect your credit. Make sure you have written communication between you and W about all finances i.e. email. If you are planning on taking the house over in the D you will need her to sign a quit claim deed and then you can call your lender and ask for an assumption. The assumption can typically cost up to 1k to file. The other route would be to refinance which may or may not be the best route. Weigh your options.
As far as I know you dont need W to close the joint accounts, but communication with W would be best. Dot your i's and cross your t's.

How you split can be a function of your state laws. Mine are 50/50, unless parties agree otherwise.


H(37) W(35)
D8, D5, S3
T20, M13
BD 8/31/18
EA Discovered 9/13/18
Mediation 10/3/18
W files for D 10/12/18
W moves out 11/10/18
EA confirmed 12/25/18
D Final 1/10/19
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Davide

I would split out all accounts too. If you are intending on paying the mortgage out of your own account then you should get the quit claim deed. If it is what I think it is (and they are called something different here) these protect you - it basically states your W is entitled to claim on her portion of the equity in the house as at the value of the house the date the quit claim takes effect. That way she is not entitled to any equity earned between the date on the deed and the date the house is sold or you buy her out. I assume you will need to get her to agree to this though.

Here the starting point is 50/50 on assets and debts irrespective of either parties contribution. You can, of course fight it out in court, but that would prolong the process. My personal view is, and I too contributed substantially more, that if it comes to that, I will just cut my loses in favor of maintaining an amicable D for the sake of the kids. Also, you support each other through those years because you have shared hopes and dreams. If I fought for a bigger chunk of the pie, it would feel to me that I am saying I regret those hopes and dreams. I do not - on the whole our M was a good one and, despite the pain of the last year, I do not regret our M at all. Things are different for you though - you do not have children together and you could choose never to see her again.

The right thing to do IMO is, if it comes to that, is to split 50/50 and wish her well on her journey. But that is me.

You asked earlier about whether you should respond to any information only text. I think you are probably past the hardcore Db'g stage where you need to detach, not just because doing otherwise would enable them to cake eat, but also to protect yourself. If your W was just another person you know casually, would you have responded to the text?


W40 (me), H40
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D12, D9

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I agree on splitting all accounts. It was pretty easy for ex and me because throughout our M we maintained separate bank accounts and CC's anyway. So it was mostly changing names on bills and such.

Quote
The other big thing we have outstanding is our mortgage payment on the house which I am living in. That is currently still being drafted out of our joint accounts. My thinking on that was that she lived in the house from April-July (4 months) and the mortgage was coming out of our joint accounts so it was only fair for me to live in the house for 4 months (Aug-Dec) with the money coming from our joint account. She is now renting an apartment out of her own money. The joint account will clearly be split at a certain percentage between us (maybe 50/50, although 70/30 would be a fairer distribution given how much more I put in) so if I keep drafting the mortgage from there it will be coming out her money as well.


In lieu of that I would suggest just going ahead and closing the joint account and splitting whatever is in it. If you think she owes you for the time she was in the house and you weren't, then bring it up with her and let her know what you think you're owed.

Quote
My thought is to stop that and start drafting from my personal account. The mortgage is in both of our names. I really just want to separate out everything (mortgage, phone, gym) so that we don't have any joint payments any more. Obviously we (or mediators or lawyers) will need to negotiate the split of the accounts and the mortgage when we reach that point, this is just an intermediary step.


Yes. The way this typically works is if you have equity in the home and one of you is keeping it, then as part of the D process you have to hire a 3rd party to evaluate the market value of the home. They will check it out top to bottom and look at comparables in the neighborhood and come up with a number. Assuming assets are divided 50-50 then the party staying in the home will owe the other party 50% of the market value minus principal still owed as part of the D decree. So for example if you owe 100k principal on the loan (interest paid doesn't factor in) and the home is determined to be worth 200k, then you will owe her 200k - 100k / 2 = 50k on the house. There's a certain time window in which that is to be paid. Our house was paid off so I had to take out a mortgage all over again to pay my ex, and there was a separate process to get her name removed from the title.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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IMHO you handled interaction with W in proper DB standards...expectation management and PMA. You are there D!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Thanks folks! I really appreciate the information.

I was advised by people on this forum (Vanilla in particular) that it was best NOT to split the accounts entirely because I could still end up owing her a split of money later when it came time to D. I'm really not worried about that at this point. Like I said, I am 100% confident that neither of us is going to screw the other one out of money. I'll keep thinking about that, but I think that is something that can be resolved once we get into the D process. Technically we can't D for another 5 months (1 year separation period) but I believe that if we both agree to say that we separated earlier the state doesn't actually care or check.

The quit claim on the house is an interesting idea that I will look into. I wonder how expensive that is. I don't know if I will end up selling it at the end of the school year or staying in it. The problematic issue if I want to stay is that the house has basically doubled in value in the 6 years we have had it (generally a good problem to have) so it would be difficult to buy her share out if I want to stay.

I struggle with the fairness of splitting the house/assets. My parents helped out a lot by giving us the down payment on the house, and I would strongly prefer to pay them back before splitting the house. Also, my W was not working fulltime for the first 3 years we were here and I supported her financially (and emotionally) throughout. It is hard for me to get out of the mindset that she shouldn't get to cake-eat by having my support then and taking the money that I contributed to our savings and house now. I also recognize that my line of thinking might be controlling. This is one of the few aspects of the situation that I have control over and can stand up for myself. I want to make sure that I am coming at it from the right place and not one of vengeance or control. Solo, you make a good point about investing in hopes and dreams that you don't regret. I don't either, but regardless of that, they are gone.

Regarding the text message, I would definitely respond to a acquaintance who sent me a text like that - it was an attempt to extend the conversation. But I don't think I will in this case. It's not really a question of cake-eating, but more that I still feel better and healthier when not interacting with her. My mind is clearer and I can focus better on the future and my values.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Hopes and dreams were real then D. It depends on each one of us I think, I agree with FS there. It“s like an honourable exit...

Glad to see you standing there.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
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Originally Posted by Davide
The problematic issue if I want to stay is that the house has basically doubled in value in the 6 years we have had it (generally a good problem to have) so it would be difficult to buy her share out if I want to stay.


I have this problem too. Our house has gone up considerably since we moved in and there is no way I could keep it if I have to give him 50% of the equity in it. I have always paid the mortgage myself (he wasn't earning much so his contributions were limited to household bills) so I am also resentful that I will probably have to give him nearly half a mill when it gets sold. One of things I am considering is if we divorce, that we come to some arrangement whereby I do not have to pay him out until he wants to buy a place of his own, and in effect, 'lease' his half of the house off of him. I would continue to pay the mortgage but agree a level of interest that he earns on his half of the equity at time of divorce. I note that this may be an easier sell for me as we have children and he does not want to uproot them. Also, he has a fear that if we sell the house, then I may not be able to afford a place near by, he will not have such ready access to the children. If you are on good terms, and your home is in a neighborhood that will only go up in value, then this may be an option for you too.

You sound like you are in a good place to deal with the financial side of things now. I hope to get there one day.

PS - I like the shortening to Solo - makes me feel like Han Solo (by far the coolest star wars character).

Last edited by FlySolo; 11/16/18 03:32 PM.

W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

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Moved out Mar 18

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Solo,

The Harrison Ford version of Han Solo was clearly the best. The new movie was a snoozefest for me, however!

Yeah, these are good problems to have, no doubt. Honestly, I am not particularly worried about this aspect. For different reasons (guilt, sense of fairness) than your H, my W also isn't going to force me to sell the house. I'm confident that we can come to an agreement whether it is "leasing" her portion of the house, or whatever it may be. I'm seriously looking around at job possibilities in other places so there is probably at least a 50% chance that the house gets sold, in which case none of this is a problem.

You will eventually get to a place where you can deal with the financials and the like calmly and without as much emotion. But I don't think that means that one is fully detached. I remember bringing up this stuff, and selling the house when I spoke with my W one month post BD. I think my mind just latches onto what I can control and deals with that in a calm, rational matter, because I was otherwise a total wreck back then.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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