Hi D...yeah, I don't hide stuff from the board but thank you! She is on Valtrex so I do understand there is a 2% risk based on 104 sex acts per year that I may have caught something. Wake up call, yes for sure. I cant be naive in this dating world as it is a learning experience. But yeah she was totly into me and left my house crying today. I feel bad, really bad but I just cant knowingly take the risk. Definitely a wake up call and who knows what really happened as I only know her what she has told me. She also said this is the first time someone had a problem with it.
Just some journaling.....I just feel bad this morning because I know I hurt her. Really sweet and thoughtful girl, she even brought me and my girl dinner for tonight. Made homemade spaghetti and meatballs with some salad and wine. She told me a couple of days ago about what she caught and I spent quite a bit of time researching to see if it was something I could handle. At the end of the day I could not get my brain to accept the fact that there is a 2% chance annually even if she has no symptoms that I could catch this and I knew every time we had sex I would be wondering if today was my lucky day. All of this combined with her living two hours away and thinking about how this is the first girl I have gotten naked with since my D just made the choice for me seem obvious.
Nonetheless I know I hurt her and that bothers me. She told me that I should have just spoken to her about how I felt and not had her drive all the way down. Truth is I did like her, wanted to see her, and was still trying to process everything in my head. It all came to a head yesterday when we started to fool around because she felt me hesitate, I just couldn’t get it out of my mind. So she brings me and the girls food, drives all the way down and we start to fool around and then this happens. I just feel awful and I know it crushed her. It truly was not my intention for it to happen this way. When we started to mess around she said “thank you for still wanting me” that is what set me off.
I spent hours on these types of boards for the virus reading what people wrote about how their spouse has never caught it, how common it is, how it is really no big deal and it’s just skin irritation however the social stigma if you catch it is huge. I know I am kinda rambling here but I know if I caught it 90% of my dating pool would be gone. I just couldn’t take the chance and even if I wore a condom which reduce the risk down to 1% annually you know as well as I that sometimes in the heat of the moment it won’t happen.
J- YOU didn't hurt her. The situation hurts, but it is not You hurting her. I feel for her, and I believe that it could have happened on the first time. My first and only partner was my ex and he gave me HPV. Not the wart kind, the kind that caused precancerous cells on my cervix, and at 20 years old I was getting biopsies and a surgical procedure. It caused me to have a high risk pregnancy, and the doctor almost couldn't transfer my embryos during IVF because my cervix is so scarred. I have had the same OB/GYN for almost 20 years and he was so good to me through all of it. Wanted to kill my ex after what he did too. Luckily I have been "clean" for a very long time, because it does go away. But I recently had an abnormal pap and I freaked, but I am HPV negative.
However, I think you are making the absolute right decision for yourself and for your kids. Not only because of the HSV. Because I can see this illness wants to drive herself into 5th gear relationship wise so she can have sex because she knows she cannot have casual sex. and you live 2 hours away, and this girl is your first naked girl.. And FTR, you said you did everything BUT and if you gave her oral or had genital contact, that put you at risk too. She should have told you before any of that. She is someone I would not have sex with unless I was committed and thought this might be the last person I have sex with because if you are going to risk getting it, is something you will have to live with and a situation like hers for future partners.
I know this is sad and disappointing, but you did not hurt her. She is hurting, but it wasn't you. I'm glad you found out early enough.
Tough break man but you are doing the right thing. I agree it should have come out day one. You did not hurt her, probably just disappointed her. It was only 3 dates.
I think you need to do some thinking and take a break from dating. IMO your'e not ready yet.
Thanks G....I am sorry for what happened to you and I appreciate your words. Definitely disappointing because we did get along and it would have been nice to just have some fun. To your point though I don't know what was fact or fiction. Looking back it kind of felt like that movie "Spawn" where she was just looking for someone willing to mate with her. I also don't know if this was really who she was either or she just thought I was funny and like everything about me because she was just so driven to be in a R that she would take whatever she could get. IDK
When she did tell me after the fact she apologized and said she got caught up in the moment. I suppose I could have picked something up but based on everything I have read it is really highly unlikely with 1 encounter as the transmission rate without an active outbreak is 2% annually. I guess maybe if I was the unluckiest man on earth
I do believe her when she said she got it from the first guy she slept with after her marriage ended. She had only been with her husband and he cheated on her. She said she was in a really bad place and just found a guy that would make her feel good and it sounded like she never took time for herself that she tried to heal through other people. She is still in therapy today and she did tell me last night that she was going to take some time off for herself. It sounds like there might be more going on then what she is telling me but who knows.
Ultimately that is what got me stuck. When she told me she had herpes my attraction level took a nose dive and I knew that I would never be able to have comfortable sex with her without thinking if this was the time I got it. I also knew there were no guarantees that we would even last so if I got it and then we stopped seeing each other I would be hosed. She told me that I was the first person to ever have a problem with it but I suppose the other guys where just happy to be in the room with her. She is hot no doubt with an incredible body but I wasn't happy to just be in the room and she knew that. I have a brand to protect
So after I stopped messing around we laid there on the bed and talked for almost 2 hours. She was really struggling then as she was getting dressed told me that my rejection of her made her want me even more. I guess there is some truth to it. So I called her when she was on her way home to check on her and I could tell she had been crying. She told me that normally she would just cut the guy off at the knee caps if he didn't like her but she was going to give me a chance to think about it. I told her I just needed some time and then she sent me a text when she got home to let me know she made it and then sent me a link to her favorite song that has gotten her through the tough times. So I went to dinner with my girls last night and she sent me another text telling me how she was struggling and just needed to end it because she knew I would never look at her the same. I felt for her so I gave her a call, chatted with her for about 10 mins and ended it. At the end she told me if I changed my mind to come find her.
So yeah she is hurting, I feel bad for her but I just can't do it. I just know that catching it or being careful and always wondering would have been on my mind the entire time I would have been with her. That's not fair to the both of us as she deserves to be with a man that is willing to accept the risk and accept all of her and I deserve to be with someone that I can be completely comfortable around in that way.
She seems to have many unresolved issues that go beyond the herpes. You rejecting her is even making her wanting you more? She seems to know she is hot and could have any guy she wants and now her herpes is preventing that power. Honestly, aside from the herpes, I see so many reasons to move on. I know it can be a painful disappointing thing, but it really is all apart of the dating process.
I am actually happy for the ones that didn't work out. We all know I went through a butt load of disappoints with guys, and maybe they really all did happen for a reason. IN the moment it seems as if the universe is against you, but in hindsight you can see a lesson in things and why they might happen.
Hey G......I do believe she knows it. She even admitted to me that she could have the last guy back if she wanted. I was probably the one guy that didn't put her on a pedestal and tried to hold back when she was coming on like a freight train (it sounds like most guys were just happy to be in the room with her). According to her I was the first guy to reject her which stirred up old emotions in her when her X was cheating on her. She has money, great body, big fakes, comes from a great family and has lived in her town her entire life so she knows everyone. Her face is even on Interstate billboards for her father's car dealerships so while she might downplay it she knows.
Journaling here and expressing myself really helps. Definitely I agree, I have no problems moving on and I know it is the right thing to do. I do believe everything happens for a reason and people come in and out of our lives for a reason as well. I take each one as a learning experience and I have realized that I am not in Kansas any more. As you say G guilty until proven otherwise. I did learn a lot from this girl and am grateful for the experience.
I don't feel that the universe is against me yet. I feel like I still have a good attitude and even though we did mess around I found that I had this take it or leave it sort of attitude even before she told me of her illness. I also didn't have any problems getting naked with her, I didn't think about my X, I didn't feel nervous or freaked out that sex might happen. It felt natural and just like riding a bike.
As my buddy told me........."Dude, you were so close to getting out of the dessert"
Just to add G.....I consider myself very normal. It will say that it has been a little disappointing that most people (or at least the ones I have interacted with) have much more baggage than me. It make me wonder if there are any relatively normal people left.
So when this girl first told me about her illness I was initially like ok well everyone seems to have some issues so maybe it's not so bad. The first girl I ever went on a date with told me her x husband physically abused her and put cigarettes out on her so as my reference point I was like ok I guess I just need to accept the fact that everyone seems to have something.
