Guys, I want to thank each and every one of you for your input. In the end, it wasn't hard, so I made the appointment, but will have a chat with her when she gets back so it doesn't become something she expects in the future.
Originally Posted by Steve85
From Steve's thread:
[quote=Jim1234] I haven't replied because I've really been really thinking about what you said. I hear what you're saying about there not being an "AHA" moment, and her showing you that she got it. Problems I'm struggling with are 1) that we no longer live together, so there's little opportunity to see 180s on her part (I understand I will probably hear about changes in her behavior from friends/kids, etc.), and the kind of 180s I will see/hear won't give me any indication that she's interested in R, 2) in order for there to be a R, at this point, she would kind of have to come out and tell me she's interested in one, and I guess I don't care to give up what I've got going on without a commitment from her to do things differently, 3) she's not one to admit, even to herself, that she was wrong, and 4) a month ago when we talked, she was very clear that she didn't want to go to counseling again. I can't say the counsellors helped, so I can see why she feels that way. They weren't really DB coaches. I'd look for one, but doubt I will get her to go.
Jim, on #1 you DB for you, not her. If she notices then awesome. If not, you will be ready for the future!
#2 no, she won't have to come out and tell you. She'll have to come out and SHOW you. Remember, never believe what she says.And only half of what she does/ Do not trust her until she shows consistent behavior over a long period of time.
#3, she either will or won't. If she wants to R she will eventually.
#4, what do you want? Is MC part of your requirements for R? If so then stick to it, regardless of what she says. Remember, if she comes back you want her to be open to any and all stipulations. She doesn't get to dictate the terms of her return.
Steve, I was really talking about HER 180s, not mine. I'm doing mine for me, but what I meant was that since we don't live together any more, it is harder for me to see any changes in HER behavior. The 180s I will hear about are things like maybe she's going to the gym, or fastidiously cleaning the house, but they won't show any desire to R by themselves.
I guess really, I am trying to plan out and control the reconciliation, and I really just need to let go; if it happens, it happens, and I'll deal with it then.
Joseph9, it's nice to hear from you again. How are you getting along?
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Steve, I was really talking about HER 180s, not mine. I'm doing mine for me, but what I meant was that since we don't live together any more, it is harder for me to see any changes in HER behavior. The 180s I will hear about are things like maybe she's going to the gym, or fastidiously cleaning the house, but they won't show any desire to R by themselves.
Okay, I understand. You want to see what 180s she is doing so you'll know if she wants to R.
Here is your answer, when she wants to R YOU WILL KNOW. She will make sure of it. there will be no doubt about it. So you don't have to witness 180 to know that.
Originally Posted by Jim1234
I guess really, I am trying to plan out and control the reconciliation, and I really just need to let go; if it happens, it happens, and I'll deal with it then.
THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Hey J....doing well, every day gets a little easier. Been dating for about 5 months now. Been on roughly 9 dates or so but nothing that has materialized to anything significant. XW is still mostly cold than hot, she has BF now and they have been together for probably 5 or 6 months. I have still not met him nor has he shown his face around my kids events so I am not sure what to make of it. All in all life is going really good, my girls are happy, I am still working out, playing basketball and still deep into personal development. It really sucked early on but it has been the most transformational period of my life. I am a much better man today for it.
So no response from your W on the letter you gave her?
Hi all you Newcomers, I'm so sorry to find you on this forum, but listen to the wise advice of the veterans. They know what they're talking about! If any of the moderators see my post, or Sandi2, you can probably help me.... I haven't been on in so long that I can't find a way to pull up my previous threads. Is there a way to do that? I tried a search but couldn't get anything to pop up.
(Also Jim1234 and Joseph9, I believe you guys were just arriving about the time I stopped posting. It is WONDERFUL to see how your attitudes and perspectives have grown so much over that time. I'm so VERY proud of you both!
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Steve, thanks for your insights and support. I am overthinking this, and will just let things happen.
Thanks LeahSue. I remember you from those days. You, like AnotherStander, always had sage advice. I seem to be one of the last of the group that got on here at that time. Most, like Joseph9 have resolved their divorces, and mostly moved on. Not even Doodler is on very often anymore! I'm almost done with my D, too. Just waiting for a response to my lawyer's suggested changes to the Settlement Agreement. It's been a long time. Because of that, even I don't check in here all that often anymore.
J9, You are a great dad, and your kids are lucky to have you in their lives. You have a lot of reasons to be proud of yourself in the way you handled your D. It will be interesting the first time you meet XW's boyfriend, but I'm sure you will handle it in the same respectful and honorable way you have done everything. Dating can suck. No doubt about it. But it can also be fun. Kids sure do add another dimension from what I was used to!
As far as a response from W regarding what I wrote and told her, we talked about it a bit, and she seemed very intrigued and receptive to it, but there's been nothing mentioned since. Certainly nothing to indicate that she'd be receptive to stopping the D. Unless and until there is some concrete evidence she wants to reconcile, I'm just going to await her response to the Settlement Agreement, and continue doing what I'm doing.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Hi Jim, interesting to hear there's a little spark of interest from your wife yet she's not taking any action to stop the divorce. At least the divorce process has gone on so long that you've both had plenty of time to reflect. I guess after living apart for so long it's hard to imagine what reconciling could be like. Seems whatever will happen in the future it'll happen slowly just like my situation.
Ya NIcole, I'm not sure how reconciliation would work at this point either, but I'm not going to worry any more about something that will probably never happen.
As part of the settlement negotiation, she recently sent an email saying she would agree with the financial terms, but that meant she would never be able to fund 50% of the kids' college tuition. She intimated she was struggling financially, while my career arc will allow me to make "tons of money".
She's still stumbling over the cohabitation thing. Her attorney let her know it was usual to stop alimony in the event of cohabitation. She knows I want to get this agreement in place this year because of the tax benefit, and included a veiled threat to drag it out if I don't capitulate on the cohabitation clause.
She closed by saying she still wants a "decent" relationship with me and staying friends is more important than the money.
I tried to use DB techniques in my reply. I started by saying that I didn't want the divorce, I have done everything I could to leave the door to reconciliation open, and suspect that she doesn't believe the changes to be sincere or lasting. I told her I couldn't be friends anymore because it was keeping me from gaining the emotional distance I need to move on and I carry with that the false hope of reconciliation. As part of that, she needed to find someone else to lean on, and do things like make appointments for her.
I told her my lawyer informed me that because we have a support agreement in place, the settlement agreement didn't need to be in place by year's end, and I didn't appreciate the threat to drag it out if I didn't capitulate. "I am not going to agree to continue to pay alimony if you are living with someone else. End of story." I told her we could agree on everything else and ask a judge to rule on just this one issue.
I told her how sorry I was that she was having trouble making ends meet, but I validated how I was sure she would be able to cope financially. I told her that our financial picture had changed, and maybe the kids would have to share some of the burden of their educations. I showed how I wasn't making tons of money because I was the one paying for almost everything for the kids.... cell phones, cars, car maintenance, health insurance, auto insurance, extracurriculars, big family home, summer school, lawyer for son, etc. I suspect the suggestion of making the kids pay a portion of their education to cover her shortfall came as a surprise, and the reminder of what I'm paying for didn't matter one bit.
This exchange took place a few days before Thanksgiving, and I haven't heard back yet.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
