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Chris73

Sounds to me like you are doing better with the detachment

Than you indeed are giving yourself credit

Healing as you know takes time

And you were married for a long time

So give yourself a break

None of this follows a timeline

Particularly getting over the ex

And feeling ready for another R

Follow your conscience


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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AnotherStander, thanks for your comments two weeks ago (I'm bad at visiting here more frequently). It's nice to hear that others have had the same experiences (or are still having the same experiences). My ex continues to extend herself but still oscillates including suggesting from time to time, in subtle ways, that the kids are happier now than before. I don't buy it for a second and feel as though she's trying to convince herself as much as me, but I don't engage, usually just acknowledge the suggestion, and always resist the urge to say anything to remind her that all kids would be immeasurably happier with both parents in their lives on a full-time basis.

And thanks for suggesting Married Man's Sex Life Primer, some interesting reading there it seems, especially the part about type and trying to find another you. I was able to find an excerpt online but have now ordered the book from Amazon.

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Chris,

Update buddy!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Hi Everyone. Not much new to report. Things continue to move forward for everyone.

No discussion of filing yet. I know my STBX isn't in a hurry to start that process. I had planned to bring it up in our last family therapy session, but most of the focus was on S10 and his challenges with the transition to two homes. It's interesting to see her reaction to him not "thriving" like she insisted would happen. I try very hard not to contribute anything to the conversation that would only serve to lay blame. It's a bit of a rough patch for him, but he's doing ok.

The most difficult part of the year is fast approaching. Thanksgiving marks the 2 year anniversary of our separation and both kids have birthdays in December. We've decided to swap holidays from what we did last year. Kids will be with me on Thanksgiving, Xmas eve, and Xmas morning, where the 4 of us will gather at my house for gifts. Then she will take them after breakfast for the rest of Xmas day. Birthdays still require a bit more planning.

Through it all we're very civil and courteous to each other. I find that I'm actually more sensitive to her point of view than I was when we were married. But I'm still very angry and I still spend time arguing with the wall and pretending she can hear me. My therapist describes this as the "Fallacy of Fairness" and insists that it's one of the most difficult cognitive distortions to deal with.

I've started re-reading NMMNG and I've found a few things that I relate to. Primarily: Extreme conflict avoidance, the constant need for validation from others, and disguising my true self due to toxic shame. It's all very enlightening (and quite humbling). And I'm starting to make small (but noticeable) transitions from living my life for my ex to living it for myself. Still a lot of work to do though.

GAL wise, my band is playing gigs, my podcast is back on a regular schedule, and I'm spending a lot of time converting our house into my house. Still not sure how long I'll continue to live there. It's a big house for the 50% of time when I'm the only one there.

I had a bit of a fling with a woman I met online, but it fizzled. Not sure if it was her or if I'm just not ready yet.

Guess that's about it. Life goes on...


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Chris, good to hear from you, thanks for the update. I like to see how others are doing that are the same timeframe since BD. Did you see that RDS posted an update and his ex-wife opened up to him about 1 year after divorce and after he met a new girl that he's really into? Go figure. There is another example of having to be truly detached before the ex will even consider putting herself out there (and also that it really is a 2 or 3 year marathon, not a sprint).

You sound to be doing okay as far as detachment goes, okay but not really there yet. Don't worry dude, I'm not either and my BD was April 2016. I'm convinced though it's only because of the children, especially since they are still young, not even close to being teenagers. That I think keeps you (LBS's) angry because you see the effects of it all the time and think about how much better it could be for the kids if the adults could only get their $hit together...at least that's what I feel I'm doing, because I've had other serious relationships end and never really had trouble moving on.

You didn't mention if your ex is still with the OM. I'm not sure if my ex has a guy on the go but we are spending more time together (with the kids) than we did in the first 2 years...but she still runs hot and cold...I do my best to remain steady, biting my tongue at times, etc. Hard to know what she's thinking, if anything (lol), but not gonna ask for obvious reasons.

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Originally Posted by slater
I'm convinced though it's only because of the children, especially since they are still young, not even close to being teenagers. That I think keeps you (LBS's) angry because you see the effects of it all the time and think about how much better it could be for the kids if the adults could only get their $hit together...

Thanks for making this point. I think 90% of my attachment to my ex is because of this. I am constantly reminded of how many parenting obstacles we could easily overcome if we were still together. Financially money is being wasted on 2 homes, 2 sets of furniture, 2 sets of clothes... money that could be used for college, retirement, vacations.

Emotionally, we no longer have the luxury of a family unit managed by two adults at the same time. The stress on everyone is doubled. Each parent has twice as much work to do and rarely can they rely on the other for immediate help. Plus there will always be things that one parent is better at than the other, but there's no way to "tag out".

As for the kids, they have to navigate the confusing landscapes of living in two places... "Where did I leave my new sneakers? How late am I allowed to stay up at Dad's house? I forget if I'm supposed to do my homework before or after dinner. Where will I be waking up on Christmas morning?" Grade school age children THRIVE on consistency and routine and no matter how hard co-parents try to maintain this, it's never the same as what you can achieve with an intact family.

Originally Posted by slater
You didn't mention if your ex is still with the OM. I'm not sure if my ex has a guy on the go but we are spending more time together (with the kids) than we did in the first 2 years...but she still runs hot and cold...I do my best to remain steady, biting my tongue at times, etc. Hard to know what she's thinking, if anything (lol), but not gonna ask for obvious reasons.

This is another confusing subject for me. My ex is definitely still with OM, but my kids mention him a lot less. Although as soon as I notice that he's been MIA for a while, the kids will bring him up again. The last time was about a week ago when OM and his daughter came to my ex's house for some sort of celebration of his daughter's birthday. It didn't ask for details. I didn't want any.

Sometimes I feel as if my ex is giving off mixed signals. Lately we've been getting along well. It's definitely more cordial than full blown friendship. I keep most of what's going on in my personal life close to the vest, as does she. But details leak out from time to time.

About a week ago I drove to my ex's house to drop off a library book that my S10 left at my house. When I got there she was trying to help him study for a vocabulary test the next day and having a difficult time getting him to concentrate. I offered to help and came up with a better way for him to study. I stayed for another half hour and finished studying with him while she helped D7 finish her shower. It felt very normal. It felt like the four of us were operating as a single unit again.

Surely a case could be made that this is my ex continuing with the cake eating that she started 2 years ago, but I don't really mind because ultimately I was able to help S10 get a 100 on his vocab test which would not have happened otherwise...


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Originally Posted by Chris73
I am constantly reminded of how many parenting obstacles we could easily overcome if we were still together....

Emotionally, we no longer have the luxury of a family unit managed by two adults at the same time. The stress on everyone is doubled. Each parent has twice as much work to do and rarely can they rely on the other for immediate help. Plus there will always be things that one parent is better at than the other, but there's no way to "tag out".

Sometimes I feel as if my ex is giving off mixed signals. Lately we've been getting along well. It's definitely more cordial than full blown friendship.


Man, I get you regarding the obstacles that could be easily overcome if we were still together. This is one of the things I miss most... working together as a team for the benefit of the kids, me doing what I'm good at, and letting her do the things she's good at.

Mixed signals.... I'm trying to ignore them. Steve was right when he told me that when she wants to R, you will KNOW. Until then, I'm just going try to move along.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
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Need some advice.

Back in January, my ex decided that she wanted to keep her engagement ring and took it with her when she moved out. I, in turn, removed the ring from our homeowner's insurance policy and never gave it a second thought.

Today she calls, frantic because the ring is lost and she wanted to make sure it was still insured. When I told her that I had removed it from the policy she freaked out and started crying. Obviously she was upset at the stress of losing the ring, but she started to get angry with me because I never told her that I'd removed it from the policy.

It's true that I didn't tell her. Honestly, it didn't even occur to me. I figured now that she has the ring in her possession it's on her to get it insured.

But now I feel like a jerk. I stayed calm and apologized. I told her, "I understand you're upset about losing the ring. Is there anything I can do to help?" She said no.

So I guess the advice I need is how to follow up with her on this. Even two years after our separation, it hurts my heart tremendously when she's upset. And my nice guy tendencies are making me feel guilty about it.

I don't want to start up an unnecessary confrontation by telling her that she should have insured it herself and that I shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. But I mean, after all, she's had 11 months to do it...


M46 W48
M11 T14
S11 D8
BD: 2016/05/27
In-home separation: 2016/11/23
Nesting: 2017/06/11
W moves out: 2018/01/07
W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12
I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
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Hi Chris. I don't think you should take ownership of this at all. You apologized. Good enough. You have done nothing wrong...drop the rope and let go of the guilt. She should have kept better track of it. Just my opinion. I'm sure others will give theirs.

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Let it go.

You reacted fine, and this is really on her. Don't take ownership of her emotions and reactions.

Don't follow up. That is just pursuit on your part.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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