It may seem odd and like you're playing games at first. You are not. Old habits die hard. This will help you as well as give him a refresher on the kind of things you contributed to the MR.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
My thoughts are running away from me this week. I seem obsessed with what H could be doing. Whether he is dating, or just picking up random women. We haven't had sex since January, so I can't imagine he isn't looking for it somewhere. Is he thinking of me? Does he feel free of the burden of having to face me day in day out with his guilt? Oh, the mind can conjure up all kinds of things, can't it?
I was doing so very well the first month. Lots of moments on happiness in the things I was doing as part of GAL. My downfall was looking into phone records a few weeks ago, and taking too many peeks at his FB page. Dumb idea, I know. I KNOW that these things are completely useless and destructive activities, so why do I do it? My guess is the 2 month deadline for our "temporary" separation is looming, and I am very, very anxious about it. Perhaps too much thinking about Hs activities is the CAUSE of my anxiousness. Probably. On one hand, if H says he wants something more permanent, it makes me feel rejected. On the other hand, if H says he wants to try to work it out, do I even want to? To keep my sanity, I think the best tactic is live my life as I would a single person (no dating, of course), and just see what happens.
This ^^^^^^ physically doing it is pretty easy, selling your mind/heart on it is the tough part. Be kind to yourself Grace. When your mind wanders to thoughts of H with time you will reach acceptance that what he does A) you can't control and B) is not good for YOU.
You are not alone. Right now I'm pretty sure my W is either on a trip who knows where/with maybe who knows who OR possibly staying at OM's place. Truth is I have no idea where she is/what she's doing. Thing is I'm months into my acceptance of a reality that I can't change and so while I would prefer life not to be that way, it is.
As you say stay on track for YOU, as they say in sports when you get hurt a bit, you need to "shake it off" and get back in the game of your life. Completely the most difficult thing I think in the world to "shake off", but as you can only control yourself, it's the only and best choice you have.
Mindful Meditation is a good way to separate our thoughts from ourselves. Try it. It helped me.
Don't be a victim of your own rumination. It's not healthy and makes DB 10X worse. Add it to your GAL.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
My thoughts are running away from me this week. I seem obsessed with what H could be doing. Whether he is dating, or just picking up random women. We haven't had sex since January, so I can't imagine he isn't looking for it somewhere. Is he thinking of me? Does he feel free of the burden of having to face me day in day out with his guilt? Oh, the mind can conjure up all kinds of things, can't it?
I second Ballast. H has been away for a week. I only know what he tells me but he could literally be anywhere with anyone. I could be driving myself mad thinking about what he is doing and who he is doing it with, but I am not. Maybe that's what time and space does. I no longer have an expectations that he is honest with me about anything. If he says he is out with his mates, I just go Ok, probably lying, but what can I do. I just get [censored] off when his actions impact me 'logistically', when he does something, that is, inconsiderate and means I am expected to change my plans. It has only been two months. You will get there too. Until then GAL, detach and, well, fake it.
I also agree with RR17 on the mindful mediation. It helps with letting go and helps quieten the mind.
Thoughts are with you. You are very far from alone.
Mindful Meditation is a good way to separate our thoughts from ourselves. Try it. It helped me.
I do pray a lot. It's helped quite a bit. I've never hear of Mindful Meditation. I'll do some reading up on it. Might be just the thing to clear my head.
Originally Posted by RR17
Don't be a victim of your own rumination. It's not healthy and makes DB 10X worse. Add it to your GAL.
This is exactly what it makes me. A victim. Perpetuates the Woe is me, why me, why did he thoughts. That's toxic. I am doing this to myself, and it won't change anything H is thinking, doing, feeling. I will work harder to push the thoughts aside and not let them take a life of their own.
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Until then GAL, detach and, well, fake it.
I am a firm believer that feelings follow actions. Several people have said they can't believe I'm doing as well as I am. I tell them what choice do I have? Wallowing in self-pity is useless. So, I carry on as though nothing significant has happened in my life. No one at work even has a clue I'm separated. They will be shocked I'm sure when they find out. Carrying on as though nothing has changed in my life has really helped over the last month.!
The mind sees what it is focused on. This is more than some meaningless words of wisdom. Choose a target. Focus on this target. Ignore the distractions and detours.
This is what GAL gives you. It is also IMO is a great time to make beneficial life changes as we are emotionally charged and more conducive to making these changes. The Trauma Drama Diet is one of the best ones out there. lol
Mindful Meditation is not a spiritual practice. It is an exercise to help one gain better control of our inner voice, our mind. It is like a mental workout so that you can chase this rumination away when it creeps into your thoughts. It is in no way a replacement for prayer.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Spent some time last night with my MIL for their Thanksgiving feast. She is in a nursing home. I had visited her just 3 days prior, and she was doing o.k. She is 89 and declining, but knew me and we chatted for a bit. Last night I found her very much declined, and she didn’t seem to know me. I had to feed her. It was sad. H wasn’t there as he was away on business. I reported to him that status of his mom, and that was the first communication in several days.
Today H informed me he would be at the house for awhile working since he had to be nearby for an appointment. I was at work. I thanked him for letting me know. Then followed up with a message stating: We plan to have Thanksgiving dinner about 4. You are welcome to join us. He simply replied Thank you.
I came home just as he was leaving, and invited him in for a few minutes. Perhaps that wasn’t the Dbing thing to do. He seemed briefly reluctant, but agreed. We just chatted for a few minutes. I needed to talk to him about a home improvement project we talked about several months ago. He agreed to it. Frankly, I was a little surprised he would agree to spend the money. He said he’ll come for Thanksgiving, “If that’s alright”. I said I wouldn’t have invited you if it wasn’t. He said he would come early so he could hang out. When he left he gave me a slightly lingering hug, and squeezed by a$$ a few times briefly. That was surprising, but I didn’t react or say a word about it.
When he left I didn’t feel all sad or wondering about what he was thinking. I felt o.k. I guess that's progress of some sort. I took a long walk to the gym, lifted weights, and came home to make dinner. I wanted so much for a few brief moments while we were talking to ask how he was doing, if he thought about plans for next month. But, the thoughts were fleeting. I was able to let it go and not weigh heavy on my mind after he left.
I don’t have any expectations that any of these interactions mean anything specific. I have chosen to just let it be, and evolve on it’s own.
I’ve got a full day of GAL plans tomorrow. One day at a time.
Action is indeed a great balm. Good for you for being proactive. It is amazing how taking one small step can give you the motivation to take another and then another. Keep going on that path.
Enjoy your series and your wine!
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He said he would come early so he could hang out. When he left he gave me a slightly lingering hug, and squeezed by a$$ a few times briefly. That was surprising, but I didn’t react or say a word about it.
The squeezing the a$$ seems weird to me. Are you ok with that? I was always taught to treat the WAS like a cashier at a store or a friendly acquaintance. That just seems out of place, and possibly a little cake-eating. Like he knows that he is still in control of you and your a$$ belongs to him.
A few months back after my W gave me a long R conversation (and admitted to dating a guy I know!) she asked if she could hug me as we went to leave. Prior to that point we had always hugged upon saying goodbye. But that night was the first time that I told her "No, I'd rather not." and walked away. I can tell you it is a good feeling to exert the power to simply walk away from their pitying tokens of affection.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
The squeezing the a$$ seems weird to me. Are you ok with that? I was always taught to treat the WAS like a cashier at a store or a friendly acquaintance. That just seems out of place, and possibly a little cake-eating. Like he knows that he is still in control of you and your a$$ belongs to him.
Interesting take on this. It really didn't bother me. It was not aggressive or possessive, at least it didn't feel that way. Almost like an automatic reaction. Well, I won't dwell on it too much or over think it. I'll just have to see if it becomes a pattern, and deal with it accordingly. Thanks for the feedback, though. Something to consider.
