Thank you FS. I have always been a super positive person but this experience is really testing me. I think it is just starting to sink in that this really could be it. I didn’t realize how much i have relied on my H...or relied on the person I had built up in my mind. I need to find some way to accept this and to stop being such a victim. I think i also have a lot of shame that i just blindly believed all of my H’s lies even when a part of me knew what he was telling me could not be true. It’s like i just buried my head in the sand and left it there. I could have put a stop to this three years ago if i had paid attention to my inner voice. It is embarrassing because i am a smart person. I used to be really confident too. I so want to be that person again.
I am not a DB vet, but can try tackling your early question about WAS vs WS. MWD methods in DB/DR treat both the same. Basically Sandi split them out based on her experiences as a WW and the experiences of other WS who posted and the LBS who dealt with them. The WS is one who is involved in an A and typically has lost all respect for their S. They cake eat a lot and are in an A fog. Sandi recommends tough love, being firmer, getting respect back with S because the LBS is trying to bust the A and bust the D. The WAS can be approached just using MWD methods. The WAS is usually just fed up with the MR due to the LBS, the WAS, or both. I don't know for sure, but I am assuming the WAS is easier to DB then the WS.
If you can flag neffer and get him to read and comment on your posts he can give you his advice. He used to be a WH and his W standing on her own and getting his respect back I think was a big part of his reason to come back to the MR.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
Not the best night of sleep but I am used to playing pool sleep-deprived so it should be okay. Feeling a little bit better but also that I took a big step backward last night. I’m sure my H is horrified by my victim-like presentation yesterday - my aversion to his house and everything it represents. It feels like his mistress to me. I can’t even be in his area of town (and my job takes me there unfortunately) without feeling sick to my stomach. In fact, thinking of my H at all makes me ill...in some ways, my mindset is worse than it was a month ago. I think that is the feeling of hope diminishing. When he left, he said it was about “figuring himself out” and that it was a “break and that he thought it would give him some clarity. I think he has always been clear in his mind and just said that to try to soften the blow, so to speak. I think it was just part of his plan to move toward D in a way that might lessen the emotional toll on me. Every choice he has made in the last nine months (and the two and a half years before we moved) has helped him to distance and detach. I have a lot of catching up to do. I think when he looks at me now, he feels guilty but that is about it. I see flashes of emotion in his eyes (he gets teary, etc...) but again, that is about his guilt. I hate that he feels sorry for me. The people who know me and don’t know about this sitch would be shocked that this has happened to me as they see me as smart, confident and well-adjusted. Just the fact that I ignored every warning sign for THAT long is crazy to me... that I didn’t just put my foot down and say “enough” and demand proof that what he was telling me was actually real. My sister and BIL have been suspicious of him for three years but kept it to themselves. And when we moved and he was home, they thought maybe they were wrong but then it started again and they couldn’t let it go any longer. I regret that I told him how I found out. I think it has made it that much harder for him to ever imagine a successful reconciliation - he can’t face my family. The easiest path for him is to cut and run. He has ALWAYS taken the easier path. I just need to accept it.
Off to my pool tournament in an hour. Going to try really hard to just park my brain. Love to you all!!!
Not the best night of sleep but I am used to playing pool sleep-deprived so it should be okay.
Have you tried mediation? My biggest problem is shutting my brain off, and now a year post BD, I still can't sleep but find that listening to guided mediation helps. It also has the advantage of helping us heal. Listen to mediations on quieting the mind, letting go, dealing with your emotions, positive affirmations etc. I usually fall asleep before I can finish them, but am keeping my fingers crossed that the mediations work when you are asleep.
Originally Posted by DejaVu6
I’m sure my H is horrified by my victim-like presentation yesterday - my aversion to his house and everything it represents. It feels like his mistress to me. I can’t even be in his area of town (and my job takes me there unfortunately) without feeling sick to my stomach.
I get this - the 'building a life' that you are not a part of. You mentioned in a previous post that they were building memories without you. Turn it around, you have been building memories with your kids without him FOR YEARS.
It is about changing your mindset. Your kids build memories without you every time they go on a play date, or every day when they are at school.
Now, go out and win that tournament. I want to hear all about it
The things you should be doing are the same. Detaching. Learn to be okay on your own! GAL. Don't be so wrapped up in your primary relationship. GAL is UBER important, so double-down on it. Look at your own toxic behavior and 180 on it.
Either you WAW, Or WW. Or W w/MLC will come around or she won't. Your focus is on YOURSELF, not on HER.
This was on R2C's quote page. Just change the W with H & her with him and it should all be 100% relevant.
H(37) W(35) D8, D5, S3 T20, M13 BD 8/31/18 EA Discovered 9/13/18 Mediation 10/3/18 W files for D 10/12/18 W moves out 11/10/18 EA confirmed 12/25/18 D Final 1/10/19
The first day of my tournament wasn’t so good. It was the day of Scotch Doubles (you and your partner alternate shots). I played with my BIL...this is to prevent my sister and him from divorcing which is what would happen if they played together...lol. Anyway... every year I play with my BIL, I always say I’m not going to play with him again [we just don’t mesh] but then every year I feel bad and give it another try. THIS time, I am definitely done. I love him but we do not bring out the best in each other as Scotch Doubles partners and he misses at the strangest times in the weirdest ways. Anyway... I was also feeling down from the night before so it did not go well. But...tomorrow is singles play so I only have myself to rely on and I feel pretty good. As long as my sister and I are on opposite sides of the draw, I will be happy. The weekend is team play which is my favourite event. I play with my sister and two friends. We play other teams and it is a whole lot of fun.
So I saw my H tonight. He was at the house when I came home. My sister was with me so he was pretty quick to the door. He said he had been sticking around cause he thought I wanted to chat. I don’t remember saying that but we talked outside for a few minutes. We talked a bit about the coming weekend and things he needs to get done with the kids. I then asked him how he was feeling and he said “not very good” and that he had made all of his appointments that he is covered for. I thought he was talking about appointments for his physical health but he mentioned that he is going for counselling again. He hasn’t gone for a few weeks so I thought he had decided he didn’t really need it. Anyway... I didn’t get too excited. Just told him that I was glad he was doing that. We chatted for a bit more and then he took off. It was weird. He was really smiley and friendly which I found strange cause we had had such a negative interaction yesterday. Anyway... after I saw him I felt much better and I think he did too. I also realized that I have been torturing myself with all of these made up ideas about how great his life is without me. Maybe it isn’t as great as I thought and maybe, just maybe, I should get back to DBing and GAL and stop making things up in my mind. I also realized tonight that my finding out that he had been talking about a D with my stepdaughter really set me back a lot more than I had realized. I need to get some perspective back. I think five days of pool will be an excellent start.
Day three of my tournament and I am starting to feel like my old self. Huge emotional boost to see so many people that I haven’t seen in awhile. I have no associations of my H in my “pool world” so it is like having five days off from my regular life. I was supposed to have my kids overnight but I knew I was going to be out super late so I texted my H yesterday to ask if he could take the kids and extra night and he said yes right away. I texted with them last night to say goodnight. My daughter sent me all kinds of “I love you” texts and that she missed me. That part was a little tough...knowing that their new normal is gong to involve missing me every other weekend. I know they will adjust but it still really s*cks...that their world has to change like this and they get no choice in the matter. But...focusing on this only makes me upset so I am choosing to focus on figuring out what kinds of GAL activities I can do on my weekends without them.
Five weeks until Christmas. My H and I still have not talked about what that is going to look like. I am not looking forward to that conversation. The only thing we have talked about is whether to get them gifts separately or together. I was actually a little bit surprised he said “together” right away because I would have expected him to say separately if he is so dead set on divorce. But...that is analyzing what he is doing so I’ve decided not to worry about it. I HAVE invited a few people to my house for NYE and everyone I’ve asked has said they will come. I’ve decided to keep it to a smallish number and mostly invite people that I play pool with as I want my pool table to get lots of use that night. Anything to keep my mind off of what my H is doing.
Been thinking a lot about my 180s. The first most obvious one for me is to acknowledge and thank my H when he does something to help me without pointing out where he may not have done it perfectly. I.e. “thank you for unloading the dishwasher” minus the “did you have to drip water all over the floor.” Another one is to get my butt off the couch so whenever he shows up, the tv is off and I’m doing something constructive. This is also something I’m doing for me as I realize I had turned into a couch potato while I was “waiting” for him to “get better” and come home. I am also working on listening to him without inserting my opinion or dismissing his as being off. As much as I understand validating and practice it professionally, it is something I have struggled to do with my H. So those are my big three.
I am wondering if those of you who are following my thread might be so kind as to tell me what some of your 180s are...in case there are some I haven’t thought of that I should be doing. I think that would be very helpful.
Well... off to play some more pool. Love and (((HUGS))) to you all!!!
I also realized that I have been torturing myself with all of these made up ideas about how great his life is without me. Maybe it isn’t as great as I thought and maybe, just maybe, I should get back to DBing and GAL and stop making things up in my mind. I also realized tonight that my finding out that he had been talking about a D with my stepdaughter really set me back a lot more than I had realized. I need to get some perspective back. I think five days of pool will be an excellent start.
I like all of this.
But why would you give them gifts "together" if you aren't "together"? Why is he saying let's give them gifts from both of us? I think he is trying to run from reality here.
Your 180's are good. True listening is a typical, big 180 for most LBS's. My other 180 has been to get up and help when my W asks to do something.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Have a long break in between matches so came home to chill a little. My singles event did not go very well. Not sure why. I felt good and played well but it just didn’t come together this time. Unlike my twin who ended up winning the whole thing. Sigh... Funny thing is...every time I have played against her in a tournament, I have won. She is infinitely irritated that whenever we play, I bring my A game...lol. Anyway...I was happy for her. She came in second a few years ago but this was her first win. Today and tomorrow is the team event. My team is favoured to win but that doesn’t mean anything at the end of the day. We still have to win the games. Only one more match today and then three tomorrow.
My daughter has been texting me. She says her dad is taking them to at football game today at his school where he teaches. I told her to have fun. She wanted to make sure I was good and I told her I was having fun with my friends. She said “good...I love it when you are happy.” Man...that hurt a bit. Tells me she is acutely aware when I am not happy so I definitely need to work on my game face. I don’t want them looking after me... it is my job to look after them.
Still thinking about my H’s declaration that he isn’t doing well and has decided to get more counselling. I had thought he was pushing full-steam ahead towards D so had stopped with the counselling. I guess it doesn’t do me any good to wonder but I sure hope this is a sign that he is not as sure about things as it seems. Guess time will tell. Have to keep my focus on my kids and on DBing and GAL.
(((HUGS))) to all and hoping you are all having a good weekend.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
