Brave Little Gerda, So Chilled She Could Not Speak

[sjohns6]

Hi Gerda.

What you wrote about your thoughts regarding it being obvious our spouses rejections was not personal and trying to put yourself in that same place really spoke to me. I "know" that my Ws rejection of me is not personal towards me, but "knowing" and KNOWING aren't always the same thing. Ot maybe a better way to say it is knowing vs accepting. Thank you for that!

I kind of agree with Job regarding the gift. I would just say thank you and leave it at that. You are a caring, compassionate, and kind woman. Saying thank you for a gift is something you would say to anyone. You would just be treating H like anyone...no more, no less.

And because it lifted my spirits knowing that you think of me (us) when trying to wrap your head around things, please know that I also think of you the same way. I think we have all bonded together in our misery and out of it has come something beautifully unexpected...a friendship in the most unlikely of places. I'm glad to have met you!!

((Gerda))

[Gerda]

sjohn, you can't imagine how this brought a smile to my frowny face this morning. I had the most horrifying week -- it included six hours in court and then meeting with some FEDERAL criminal investigators who are searching for one of the guys who I am in court against (from the business I sold when H went crazy). My son has also totally spiraled since my H came back.

But thinking that something I wrote brought you any kind of clarity or peace or just reflection is amazing to me. and then when I got to your last paragraph, I literally smiled from ear to ear, looked up at the post-storm sky out my window and felt HAPPY!

I actually had a dream last night that we all met for pizza in my city. So I am cutting you a virtual slice right now.

Thank you so much for this post.

Oh and by the way, I did say thank you. I will write more later but after an amazing confession, I have had some peace. I still don't talk to him but not in an active way, there has been some grace in terms of detachment for me.

[Gerda]

I never wrote back to this, Job, but as ever, your words keep me on track, keep me going, lift me to a higher self. I did thank him. I even ate the chocolate though I originally thought I wouldn't be able to.

Thought of you in MD -- we were far from you but closer than usual!

[Gordie]

Hope you have a good weekend

TGIF

[Gerda]

My H picked my daughter up from school yesterday for the first time in ages, I think he has done it maybe 3 times this year. He never discussed it with me, just arranged it with her and she told me, so weird. I felt very nervous about it, especially because afterwards she acts strange towards me, and later told me he had tried to arrange with her that he would do it a lot, something he has not done in years and which I don't want him to do now lest it interfere with my custody motion. But really it was more than that, some kind of lurking feeling I have when he spends time with them that it will be damaging for them because he tries to lure them into his way of thinking.

So for the last 24 hours she has been grouchy and more defiant than usual, and then tonight she cried a lot in bed and told me that H had tried to have a conversation with her all about me and how much I had hurt him and it was like she was totally blocked, she couldn't even remember or articulate what he said, so I just said, "Well, you don't have to tell me. You just mean that it made you uncomfortable." And then I tried to tell her things she could say next time to make him stop -- e.g., "That is grown-up talk and I am a child. I don't want to talk about that." Or "I don't want to talk about Mama. Just pray for her if you are worried about something she is doing." She kept saying,"Oh, then he'll be mad at me." I asked her what he was trying to do in having the conversation and she didn't know, but finally said it was like he was trying to make her not like me.

I have been doing a little better lately as far as being able to be detached but still cordial and even kind, and this was a huge set-back for me, made the little flames of fury start licking at my sad little heart. My L is extremely slow and is taking forever to edit the motion I prepared, so my H has no idea that I am about to demand the full custody and threaten to get a the forensic expert, etc., which will cost his friend a fortune, so I am pretty sure he won't fight me on the custody because he can't possibly ask his friend to cough up yet more money. I am desperate to get some discourse into this whole thing about how damaging is the time he spends with the kids, every single time he lures them into these things and then they are a mess for days.

It is so strange what absolute misery we are all living through, and how damaging it is for our children and how completely different it is from what we all thought our lives would be, not only when we married, but even just before BD. For me, BD was at 18 years of being together, 13 years of marriage. I have been with my H for half my life.

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I hope you are doing well.

I understand your nervousness due to your H and his apparent increase in focusing on the children. Is he mostly focusing on daughter or both?

It is not surprising that he is attempting to have conversations about you and his views on things. I believe your daughter is the younger of your two children, and perhaps H has seen her as more his favourite.

From my own children’s experiences when they spoke up for themselves and told their Mom what they thought, not mean or cruel, just their feelings and beliefs, she quit speaking to them. S17 was the first one to speak up, and received the most backlash from W.

My children are older than your’s, however your children still have a voice and can speak. I do like your coaching and letting daughter know it is ok to speak up, and how to speak up. If she is not getting good results, maybe something more direct.

Dad, that’s between you and Mom. How about we just do something fun together.

It is not just with MLC where children are used as pawns. In the sad dance that is divorce, sometimes children become unwilling participants. It is good that you are speaking with your children. Continue to let them know you are there for them, and care for them. Allow them to speak to you, about anything. You will likely get some defiant back talk and other behaviour - all normal. You are the sane parent and if they cannot or do not feel safe speaking with their Dad, they need to let out their pent up feelings and will send them your way.

Keep listening to your son and daughter, you will see what they are looking for, what they are struggling with.

Try not to worry to much about H’s attempts to get the kids to not like you. Kids are much smarter than we give them credit, they will see through his smokescreen and see the truth. They can figure out genuine vs acting.

My own kids know W’s tricks, stuff I only recently found out about. They figured it out all on their own, saw it for what it was, and deal with it in a manner they felt acceptable with. I am sure something similar will happen for your’s, they will just need a little guidance, maybe, here and there.

Gerda, you are in a much better place than a few months ago. It shows in your writings.

Stay strong, and keep up the great work.

DnJ

[Gordie]

Gerda

Hugs to you

That sounds awful

Agree with DNJ as always

I tried really hard not to talk to my kids

But people here and my DB coach encouraged me to do so

It was uncomfortable to say the least

To speak to elementary school children about w and OM

But they desperately wanted to speak to me about it

And what would happen after D

Older ones spoke up and w shut them out

Peace be with you

[kml]

I doubt it would help but I would love to see your H get a court ordered psychiatric evaluation.

Frankly, unless the parent is abusing drugs or abusive physically to the child it is difficult to get total custody. Document EVERYTHING you can including those weird letters he has sent you. And get YOURSELF into the best financial shape you can - you'll need to show you can financially handle taking care of the kids.

[Gerda]

You'll all be happy to know that I started inviting people for Thanksgiving, and now it's up to 15 people I am cooking for! All amazing people and a bunch of kids too. I have a tiny fridge and have stored my turkey on the windowsill, keep looking at the temperature to make sure it's cold enough!

I have been staying dark or dim but I did invite my H to have Thanksgiving with us, spurred on by Charlyne from Rejoice and for what I thought best for my kids. This was the outcome, below. I find it so incredible that H can tell me he is praying for me. What on earth could he be praying for?! He filed for D!!! Only all of you could understand that confusion.

After his brief attempt to be overly present in evenings, he has been coming home later and just always looks totally lost and miserable, sometimes looks like he was crying. But still has that MLC hardness of heart and narcissistic determination. Mutual friend contacted the godfather of kids who is paying for his D and he told her, "You don't know the whole story," and refused to discuss. I wonder what on earth he has told them about me. But I have been practicing daily laying that whole mess on God's feet, so mostly I don't wonder. When the thought comes over me to think about all that or to feel anger about it, I just say, "Lord, you know what is going on, I don't need to. The desire to judge them is too much for me, please, you be the judge and let me have peace." I have been watching a lot of the "I Am Second" videos, and they have been really powerful for me -- I showed three of the drug-addiction oriented ones to my son and he was really affected by them too.

Anyway, here's the exchange. Love to you all and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

On 11/19/18, H: If you¹re not using the car I may use it to go to (many-university city over four hours away from our many-university city) for a long weekend and write, leaving Wednesday night or very early Thursday. Otherwise I can take bus.

On Nov 19, 2018, Gerda: So you will not have Thanksgiving with us?

On 11/19/18, H: Feels to me awkward, no. Sorry. - H

On Nov 20, 2018, Gerda: I’ll let you know where car is parked. I'll assume I can have people over
here Wed through Sunday night unless you tell me otherwise. I’ll never stop praying for you.

On Nov 21, 2018, H: Sounds good. Let me know where the car is. Sure, have people over Wed night - Sunday night. And likewise: I’ll never stop praying for you. -H

[Gerda]

DnJ, as ever, your words are powerful, helpful, comforting to me. It just always takes me a while to reply, mostly because of time. You can't imagine what is going on here with my other lawsuit, children problems -- and it took me literally two weeks to do the SNW because our finances are so complicated and such a mess, so much debt spilling out of every hole.

I loved this line for D9 and told her about it -- Dad, that’s between you and Mom. How about we just do something fun together. Maybe you should have a sticky with your note to my S13 and another for D9 -- letters to MLC kids. So helpful! That's the second time DnJ has "talked" to my kids and helped!

Your advice about all that is of course excellent, and it helps to know how experienced you are with having had so many kids. I have worked with teens all my working life but nothing prepared me for this except my own miserable experience as a teen of divorce. And that was the thing that I thought I would never ever do or allow.

But lately I realize, this is how God is using me. I have to trust Him. I have to walk in his light even when this is where the path leads.

Anyway, I will read your post a bunch of times and hope it will sink in. It requires a lot of confidence. Sometimes I am able to do that by just trusting God. So far I don't think I trust myself very much. But you are right that I am doing better. It was all because I realized that God knows everything, and I have to trust him no matter what. For me, none of the other stuff about detachment or strategizing about how to behave with H or any of that has worked. Only trying to lay it all at God's feet and trust him. And of course knowing you, Gordie, SBJ, sjohn, Job -- your stories and your advice and support and care help me so much.

I am thankful for you all! Happy Thanksgiving! Come have a slice of pumpkin pie tomorrow!

XO