Hi Everyone. After perusing the forums for several weeks, many of the stories outlined sound so painfully familiar to me. The long-and-short is that my W of 5+ years told me last summer that she felt she was losing "connection" with me and felt a pull toward separating. After several months of changing her mind to separating, then back to working on the M, then back to separating and on-and-on, she finally decided this past February that she needed a separation.
It took her several months to save enough money, during which time I tried to give her as much space as possible while living in the same home. Last month, she finally found an affordable place across town and moved out. I even helped her move the furniture she wanted and drove the U-Haul truck, thinking we would keep to our agreement to give it 6 months and re-assess what we each wanted.
We lasted 3 weeks. At that time, she begrudgingly told me she did not wish to wait 6 months and wanted a D. During that exact conversation, I became aware of OM since her phone rang and our 4 year old S read the name, plunging me into an unspeakable darkness. I'm not sure if that counts as a "Bomb Drop", but it certainly felt like one and I've been trying to apply some of the principles to our interactions (contact as minimal as possible, limited to discussions around our S; GAL; avoiding appearing emotional or responsive to her). Since then, it feels like she finds excuses to call me for very mundane reasons and things that would be more efficient over text and this past weekend collapsed in a heap in our kitchen when she was over to visit our S, crying about how she believes in her wedding vows, how our R was the first one she's ever had that had no abuse and blaming me for not being exactly what she needed me to be (specifically, more affectionate).
I suspect she is still seeing OM though she adamantly denies it's anything "like that" when I would press (prior to applying some better approaches) and denies having done anything wrong, though I have several mutual friends who have contradicted this.
I'm trying to be an emotional benchmark for both myself and our young S but I keep coming back to this idea that she's very unwell and unable or unwilling to even recognize that. I know intellectually that the issue - whatever it is - was not caused by me and is therefore not for me to "fix" but I have a few questions to ponder that I have not seen directly addressed before:
My W was adopted as an infant from an orphanage in a third-world country. Her adopted parents gave her a pleasant upbringing in relative privilege until their own D when she was a teen, which was very acrimonious and the wounds were still evident during our own wedding just 6 years ago. Has anyone seen this outlined behavior in relation to adult adoptees and is there some other approach I should be using (with a mind toward her possible abandonment issues)?
In addition to this, she clearly states that all of her prior relationships were blatantly dysfunctional - especially when compared to our M (physical abuse including a near-fatal choking and being cheated on repeatedly). Does this too imply some other approach?
Any insights are most welcome. Like most of us I imagine, this is probably the absolute worst thing I've ever had to face and I'm still struggling with NOT being the White Knight in Shining Armor, riding to the rescue. That's such a hard habit to break...
Many MLCer will have some unresolved childhood issues, so her original abandonment as an infant as well as her adopted parents D could have affected her.
As you said,unfortunately, you cant fix her She may need to explore these traumas in her recovery if she chooses
I think the solution for you is the same as for many here Take care of you-heal yourself, seek therapy and support Validate her be kind and cordial and focus on you and Son
Many posters will come to help and give you suggestions and this board will help you recover You are doing well
Please come here to vent
hang in there
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-64, D32,
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I figured I was on the right path and I am going to IC as well as a local Divorce/Separation support group. I know I'm having a hard time breaking the habit I've developed over the past year or so by trying to Mr. Fix-It and also allowing myself to believe she was right around the corner from some kind of epiphany that would make her see our M is neither the true problem nor a viable scapegoat. I understand now there will be no such "lightbulb" to create the Hollywood reunion where we embrace in the rain and profess our love and credits roll. Romantic, yes. Realistic, no.
I know it's going to be a long slog marathon and I also know - despite her statements - she is unlikely to proactively seek divorce so it is up to me to decide if and when the M ends.
I had those fantasy reunions in my mind all the time in the early days
You have to brace for the marathon
And drop all expectations
Expectations result in disappointment and other emotional responses
Re OM if you suspect one then you are probably right
Her crying on the floor and blaming you for the breakdown of the M and even the OM
Sorry I have seen that movie too
Take care of yourself and S and try to steady your own ship
Rough waters ahead
Re adoption most adoptees have to work through their issues at some point
Most do that in a healthy way and some do not hard to generalize
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
My head knows this is going to be more like a heartwrenching 20-inning baseball game that no one yet knows the outcome to rather than a Hallmark movie. I'm still trying to get my heart and soul on board with that idea though - I guess the emotions like instant gratification.
W and S have been with her family for the past few days and I've kept to minimal contact, though she did call me tonight for help paying a bill that I formerly handled. It was cordial and I especially appreciated the offer to talk to my S for a few minutes before he went to bed. This of course means the house is totally quiet which is unsettling and I find myself being triggered into memories at random. These are stupid things too, like a Swiffer commercial that reminded me of my nickname for her (I always called her "Rific", so "Riffer-Swiffer" became part of our vernacular).
I did keep busy though with some homework for my D/Sep support group. It's Bible-based and I've never been more than casually spiritual, but something about the reflection has given me some vestige of peace for the first time in recent memory. I also get to see my S again tomorrow night and it's supposed to snow for the first time this week so I have a small variety of things to be excited for.
One practical thought I had that I would appreciate some input on is with respect to the actual D. After W told me her intent to forego the 6 month reassess period, I nearly immediately consulted with an Atty and left with the impression - based on my circumstances - that there is no real rush to file anything. I absolutely do not believe she could or would file for full custody, so the rest is really about division of assets, alimony, etc. Since I do not currently desire D, nor do I feel any sense of urgency about the whole thing, I am thinking of aligning with an Atty for representation but only from a "defensive" posture. My thought is that if she really wants a D and to be "free", she will have to be the one to actually ask for it. If she does so, I will not be caught on my heels.
If your attorney says that there is not rush to file and you can keep an eye on your assets, then I would sit back for a bit. We always say here that unless it is an abusive situation and a real need to protect your assets, to let them do them do the heavy lifting and hard work for the divorce that they want.
Do not tell her that you have sought out legal advice or going to sit back for a while. Play it cool.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
1. Set up a parenting schedule that is as close to what you would want in a divorce
If you want 50-50 in the future, then you should practice 50-50 now
2. Finances should also be as close to what you would want in a divorce
Twenty inning baseball games are short compared to this
Stay strong
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes many of us decide to let them file MY xh filed after 2 years of separation
If she does file it is good to be prepared a good attorney is worthwhile, so you get what is best for you- They can sometimes ask for everything or nothing
It is also a wise idea to separate accounts and credit cards ahead of time- and check the credit cards.. get your name off of hers
A MLCer can breeze through massive amounts of money and some do not care
MY XH racked up severe debt.. I was able to separate everything before damaging my credit-
At the same time, we have to create a new life to help New friends, church groups..( as you are) You will meet people and start over for now as you grieve
hang in it gets easier
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Strangely enough, we actually only managed to minimally overlap finances (outside of things like the mortgage, car loan, etc) and neither of us has any access to one another's revolving credit lines. She also established her own separate bank account when she announced her intent to leave back in February and returned her debit card associated with our joint account (since only my income goes in there). Of course, this was after she halved our savings account at the same time so... wash.
We are currently largely sticking to the 50/50 custody arrangement we agreed to, though in truth, I probably have our S more than half the time due to her work schedule and my ability to work from home most days. I think this is grating her though, because she mentioned a few days ago that she would seek a new job so that she could keep our S for more overnights. In practicing some DB principles on detachment, I simply nodded and resisted the urge to try and lay out the pros and cons of leaving her "dream job" at the hospital. That's not my role anymore.
It was the same day she had come over to the house to see our S for a few hours. I remain cordial and respond to her questions and such but I typically make myself scarce when she is around. Nonetheless, she did ask to talk to me in the kitchen and - for the first time - directly blamed me for this situation.
"I'm having a breakdown and I blame you! It's your fault I feel this way and have to do this!" She then collapsed in a pile on the floor in tears. My response was to kneel next to her, place a gentle hand on her shoulder and calmly state that I accept responsibility for what I am responsible for and freely admit that I am no perfect husband, but that I will not accept full accountability for the entirety of this. It can't possibly be one person's fault. No way.
As painful as it was to hear, in the days since she said that, I think it's exactly what I needed to hear. I understand now the depth of her confusion in all of this and I feel so bad. At the same time, I MUST DETACH because I cannot follow her where she's going and I will no longer act as this co-dependent "hero" to try and save her from herself. I love this woman today same as I did a year or 5 ago, and I probably always will. And that's exactly why I have to let her go.
My basic attitude is thus: Maybe she comes back one day, maybe she doesn't. Maybe whatever she has with OM goes nuclear and she breaks down fully, maybe he's exactly perfect for her and she lives happily ever after in supreme happiness. Maybe she wakes up or maybe she stays asleep. No matter - I type this as I watch my awesome S play with his toys and ask me for a hot dog. We have our "observed" Thanksgiving tomorrow with my parents and brothers and Sisters-in-Law. We played in the snow last night. I'm getting better at playing bass and learning some guitar chords.
In short, I'm starting to get some other things going - things that have nothing to do with her. My heart is wounded but still open, still beating. I'm starting to believe I'll be OK regardless of what someone else says or does, and I will be OK on my own terms.
